[debiclar33]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years w/ a man diagnosed w/ bipolar, add, and ocd. He has issues w/ self mutilation and suicidal ideation. We have had ups and downs and I thought we were on the right track with him going to therapy 1 a week and being on meds. during my recent pregnancy, problems arose with drugs and drinking. We now have a 3 month old child I am raising on my own. I have discovered that he became involved with women he met on porn chat sites. Engaging in sexual behavior that makes me want to vomit. He has been using cocaine since spring time and evidently was giving it to my teenage kids from a previous marriage. It culminated into a suicide attempt by him the first of December and all of this info came out then. He voluntarily committed himself for a week and was in a partial program for 2 weeks. He wants me back and says he will do whatever he needs to do. My family and friends do not want me to even be talking to him after all the hurt he has caused and damage he has done. I love this man with all my heart and I am struggling to deal with what he has done. I have looked into his eyes and the man I loved was gone. He became psychotic and aggressive. Now, i look into his eyes and see he is back. I feel his pain and the torment he goes through every day with his disorder. I know the man he truly is would not have done the things he did. But the reality is that it happenned and I am struggling to deal with it. Please give me advice on how to come to terms with what he has done!!!

When do you walk away? Now.

[MidLifeCrisis]

He gave cocaine to your kids. That should make you mad as a hornet. I know how drugs can change a person into something they're not. But I would want more sobriety under his belt. If he's willing to do anything... why not 6 months sobriety and then you'll reconsider?

[NuckingFutz]

This man gave your daughters some very addicting and dangerous drugs and you love him? I think you need to love your kids and keep them safe.

[Tatyana2009]

I agree. Anyone touching my children in any bad way (incl drugs!!!) will be out of my life yesterday! ! !

I can understand that you may be addicted to this man as bipolar behaviour in a spouse can be addictive (its like a drug that keeps you up and brings you down so you become like a bi polar - if that makes sense...) - so I would look into your own issues of why you need this. Did you try therpay yourself?

I would like also to ask you - can you trust this guy? after the things he has done?

Remember that both sides of his personality are him himself. This is him. Volatile and irresponsible. Manipulative and charming.

Your kids deserve better! and so do you!!!!

[Elysium]

He will do it all again.

I'm sorry....but that is true. You say that the man you love is back but he will not stay for he has not learned the appropriate coping skills to prevent himself from flying off the handle again.

His behavior is most definitely linked to his bi-polar disorder, but there is also free-will and choice in there as well. I applaud him for getting into a program, but he has a long way to go.

You don't need me telling you that a parent giving drugs to their child, even if it's a step-child, is extremely out of line.

My sperm donor gave my brother drugs when he was 12...my brother then went on a 10 year binge of drug abuse and self destruction. There's no guarantee that my brother would not have discovered drugs somewhere along the line...but he definitely did not need the helping hand from his father.

Just because you split up with him doesn't mean it's over. You have an opportunity to make a life for yourself and your children....a safe life where they won't have to be damaged by his issues. While you are doing this, your husband can be working on his issues and taking care of his business. You can still support him from a distance while protecting your kids. And if/when he shows that he is ready to be a partner and a parent, then you can invite him back into the family environment.

Please, take it from someone who grew up with a bi-polar father. If you make it to easy for him to not get better....he won't.

[Martina]

Yes, his behavior is related to his illness, but that in no way makes it okay.

I say do a trial seperation for several months, maybe a year, maybe longer. Give him some time to figure things out, get clean, get medicated correctly, get his head screwed back on straight. If he can figure everything out and really change his ways, then MAYBE, just MAYBE, you could take him back.

But for now, I think both of you need a split. I don't think he would focus on his issues if he's still with you.

[VickiesPath]

Any bipolar person of any type will tell you that mania, even hypomania, can be very, VERY seductive because it makes you, DRIVES YOU, to do dangerous, exciting, illegal things. And when that seduction takes over, there is little that can stop it. It makes you quit taking your medication so you can develop as high a mania as you possibly can so that you can ride as high as you can and have as much crazy "fun" as you can without thinking of the consequences. Most of us have done it more than once. It is only a matter of chance and personality that determines who decides for himself or herself when enough is enough and they will not let that seduction take over again.

I would simply not trust him. Not until at least a good year or more has passed. Endangering his own life is one thing. Endangering the life of a chid is a whole different ball game with a whole different set of rules.

Protect yourself and your family. Let him deal with his illness and be responsible for himself. And don't let him near your family for at least a year.

[StarTrekker]

Negtive energy is like a hot piece of metal. The longer you hold on to it, the more it hurts you. At some point, you have to just let it go.
But that is easier said than done, especially when you have devoted so much time and love into this person.

If your family is close enough to you to adivse you in this part of your life, then they are close enough to you to help fill the hole that will be in your heart and being once you are strong enough to step away from this pain. And make no mistake, you are strong-- you have endured more than what you have shared with all of us.

Just remember-- the best way to eliminate something from your life is to replace it with something else that is better. This is why diets arent successful for most people(diets eliminate without supplementation) Can you turn to your 3-month old for comfort and support? A new and time consuming hobby? Your Faith? Your family? A new pet?
I wish you great luck in your endeavors!

Doing things to you is one thing...........

Involving your children is a totally different ball game.....

He needs more than rejection from you in fact I would hire someone to do a good job on him, how dare he involve your kids !

No excuse.

[debiclar33]

Thank you all for your responses.... I agree with so many things you have said! I just need to find the strentgh with in me to do the right thing. I have moved away from the city he lives in to be closer to my support group and am trying to rebuild my life and to repair the damage done. He will "fix" himself and deal with his addicitions or not. I have tried for 3 years to "save" him and I feel like I lost myself in the process. Now, I am trying to "fix" myself and help my children. We are all in therapy and planning on attending support groups. I feel like if I keep going through the motions and keep pretending, maybe eventually it will become reality and the hurt and emptiness inside me will be gone.

Getting better is hard work. I commend you for the steps you have taken to make a better life for yourself and your children. Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Good luck.

[marvin]

I can understand the difficulty of this decision. You really need to ask yourself if you do take him back are you willing to sacrifice other relationships? Are you willing to put yourself and your family at risk for it to happen again? Or can you show everyone else in your life what you see in him is true?

[Tatyana2009]

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there! The emptiness will pass as you develop yourself more and more and heal. I hug you xxx

[Perna]

He can only "talk" to you and swear about what he'll do better after he has done those things! When/if he gets his act together and a year or two down the road you see things you LIKE about him (not love, love is not the same as like), maybe you all can get back together. But meanwhile you will be growing too and filling out your life so he'd have to be pretty special to be up to your quality then. Now is not the time for reunion though, I don't think.

[BenMSW]

Keep in mind, it's not the man who is harmful as much as it's his illness; nevertheless, get too close to somebody who suffers from a highly contagious and very dangerous illness and you're still at risk of getting hurt.

The main thing is to take all the necessary precautions. In this case, I would suggest making sure that you are in individual and family therapy with a licensed and highly experienced therapist. Furthermore, I have seen wonderful things in my own life with support groups. Often times the group will point out inconsistencies in my own thinking that I can't see by myself. You might find that the support you get from a group of women with similar experiences is a highly therapeutic dream come true.

I hope it all works out for the best.

Originally Posted by BenMSW

Keep in mind, it's not the man who is harmful as much as it's his illness; nevertheless, get too close to somebody who suffers from a highly contagious and very dangerous illness and you're still at risk of getting hurt.

Contagious?

Anyway. Walk away and don't look back. He's a louse.