I don't wanna seem rude

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something. He's making sacrifices too to the best of his abilities. He has to put up with a lot of...stuff, being with me. I'm so messed up it's not even funny, or at least I think I'm messed up. My close friend thinks I'm being harsh on myself? Maybe she's biased lol. I mean after all, she is my close friend. But anyway, that's another story.
Whoa, it's almost 4 a.m. Ok time for bed

Dear uoffl,

Maybe you should heed the thoughts of your close friend as she has your interests at heart and sees what is really happening. IMO he sould like a child who has never stood up to his parents, but he clearly has some back bone to fend you off when it isn't convenient for him.

The only compromises in this relationship is being done by you. The only sacrifices in this relationship are being made by you. You are clever and very intelligent (has to be so otherwise you wouldn't be in med school). You sound very caring towards him but it doesn't seem to be coming back your way. If I read what you are saying correctly, he has you right where he wants you. Cant he see that you are putting his needs ahead of yours always...??

Like Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us. You are worth more than being hidden away like some secret.

How many years do you want to be treated like this?
Stop defending his rudeness and childishness. He is treating you badly.

If you need help then get it. Find some freedom and find your own sense of self worth.

uoffl I am trying really hard to be understanding of your feelings for him. But I have to say this (even at the cost of NF being mad); WHO CARES what his parents think? Salukigirl was trying to make the point of how ludicrous it is for him to be hiding his relationship from his parents, not trying to make you feel badly that he may get "in trouble". I'm still baffled as to how an adult can exactly "get in trouble" by his parents in the first place. As I am confused about things you say he's not "allowed" to do. Maybe I'm confused about your ages? Are you still in high school? If not, if you are both over 18 you are being severely misused in this situation. You shouldn't worry about his parents. You are in a relationship with your bf, not his parents. If we all worried about keeping everyone's parents happy, NO ONE would ever make it through any relationship, good or bad, parents are really hard to please. It seems bizarre to me that a man who's on his way into med school would be still taking orders from his parents and would be afraid to tell his parents something as innocent as about having a girlfriend. As possum220 points out, you are the only one sacrificing anything. You really need to try to get an outside perspective on this relationship before you go moving with this dude. And I'm assuming you won't be living together after you move (thank god), am I right? I would honestly have to wonder if he's got another girlfriend or some other secrets, its just far to strange to hear about a grown man who's parents supposedly control his life to this extent. Be careful. You don't want to ruin any part of your life chasing after a phantom relationship (something you thought was there, but really wasn't). I'm sorry to sound harsh about any of this, but the more I read from you, the more concerned about your well being I feel.

I would not worry about his parents or his relationship with his parents. If he doesn't want to rock the boat, wants to do things their way while he's with them and live with you when he's not, etc. and you are okay with that, then fine.

I believe your question was about how you were behaving to him, and whether you were being rude to "invite yourself" along with his brother. I don't think telling someone else what we think and feel, when it is about us is ever rude. You gave him information, that you wanted to go to the beach with him. He didn't know that until you asked. You are not rude for asking and his response "sure, I'll pick you up" was a fine one. If he'd said, "no" that would have been a different matter, might have impacted your relationship differently.

But you cannot change him or his parents and their relationship. Only he can do that. All you can do is see if you mind the way it is, taking backseat. As we have heard, not everyone would "put up with" that but you may enjoy moving, having a new, good school to go to and living with him again. Leave how he relates to his parents to worry about if he ever asks you to marry him and wants to elope or do it in secret :-) Right now you're just going to school and living with a guy you love; nothing wrong with that! Good luck.

Thats really good that you actually like the school and the program and that is a plus.

My brother always gets mad at me when I say I'm messed up. It's not that you're messed up. Everybody is different in every way. Everyone has certain issues and you're not messed up - that's just the things we go through and society etc... It shouldn't be that he is "putting up" with you. I do some really quirky things and really weird things and it took a while before I found a guy who appreciated those things and didn't see them as "issues" but as things that are me so he likes them.

Like perpetuallysad said, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I'm just thinking of things that have happened to me. A guy followed me down here from Ohio and eventually we broke up. He wasn't okay with me going on in school or working and making more money than him. So then he ended up uprooting his entire life for a relationship that wasn't based on mutual trust and love.

I read a psych book once that explained relationships as trekking a mountain lol (I promise it makes sense). The relationship was like a base camp. You both have separate lives and do separate things but eventually come back to each other. You shouldn't have to follow someone. And like others have said, he is his own person and an adult. If he can't stand up to his own parents about something as important as his education....that's just weird to me. God knows my mom doesn't want me living 11 hours away in Arkansas but its what will make me happy so she doesn't say anything. My brother moved 3,000 miles away to LA and, even though my parents hated him being so far away, its what he had to do.

I will go back to the OP and say that no, you are not being rude. I feel like you are being too hard on yourself and going on guilt trips when they're not needed. You deserve to be invited on trips and to be invited over for family events. You seem like such a nice girl and I bet you could find any number of guys that would be proud to have you as their girlfriend and would be calling their parents talking about what a sweet, caring girl they met. I just don't like thinking about a smart sweet girl being hidden because of parents.

hi uoffl. i grew up in a town with a lot of asians so while i'm not asian i think i get where you're coming from a little as i've had a number of asian girl friends over the years. the pressures to succeed put on the asian kids by the parents in my town were incredible and dating was commonly discouraged until one was a bit older. so, i don't agree with that mentality (and my parents had that mentality too!), especially if your bf was able to maintain high grades while you guys lived together, i do understand and feel for you.

your parents are probably pretty strict but his do sound quite controlling. he will need to stand up to them eventually or he's going to be letting them control him, and you, for the rest of his life. what about telling him that he needs to tell his parents about you before you move with him to grad/med school? i think you will have to set your boundaries with him and make it very clear what you will and won't accept otherwise his parents will be ultimately running your relationship even if you're not living near them. what i'm not suggesting is you start being pushy or tell him what to do all the time but rather make it clear what you can accept. the thing is though only you can decide what is acceptable for you.

if you were to say, for example, that you wouldn't move with him to med school unless he tells his parents beforehand and you even got to meet them before moving, then if he didn't agree to it you'd have to not move with him. maybe that would be too drastic for you, but i think you can start asking now for more of what you want in this relationship. it does sound like he cares about you but is just really under his parents' thumb. maybe start with something small and tell him you'd like to be included more when he does things with his friends and see how that goes. you could tell him what you've said here about wanting your lives to be more intertwined with family and friends. i hope you keep posting. i think you'll get some good help here. i know it's not easy to stand up for one's self and ask for what you want but it is ok. i think you'll know if you've gone too far and it doesn't sound like you will.

There's a lot going on in this message. You say you're not a lady but you asked if you were being rude. Sounds polite to me. I've been helped by just conversing here and I hope the same for you. The answer may be in your original post . . . his family doesn't know you. Have they not known you for two years? You sound outgoing and as though you are exploring. So besides the "friendship" you having going with him, decide what you want for you.

Sooooooo...............I just got back from dinner with my boyfriend!
We were talking about med school and moving there, and suddenly I asked "Once you're officially in med school and going there, will I get to meet your parents?" And he said yes! And I said "Really? Not after med years?" And he said no! that's too long!
Then when he dropped me off, I usually called him to talk while he's going home, so he was talking about the beach trip, and I asked so when will you go on the next trip? And he said maybe 2 more weeks. And I asked "Do you think I can come with you?" And he said yes, he'll let me know when they're going, and he'll come pick me up!
So we agreed that I'll bring a book to read or something while his brother and him do their stuff. YAY! I'm REALLY happy!
And I'm so excited about meeting his parents when he starts going to med school!

hi garden,
I'm not exploring the dating world at all
I'm so happy I found my boyfriend and I'm ready to settle down and commit to him for the rest of our lives hehe. And our relationship is more than a friendship. I hope it doesn't sound as if it's a friendship?
Oooh did you see my newest post? Isn't it exciting?! I'm gonna put some more grinning faces

Thats really awesome. I'm happy to hear that. I'm glad you got the courage to bring it up! And I'm really glad he said yes. That's also good to hear that he wants to bring you along with his brother. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and really want to make this relationship work. I hope the best for you both and keep us posted! We're always here for you!

hi bloom3,
I don't know much about his parents, but I think they really do want to make sure he will be in medical school. Maybe once he's in med, they'll loosen up a bit more? I guess I'll see how that goes once he starts his studies hehe.
And his parents do seem to be more strict than mine, maybe they have different values and outlooks? Either way, I'm really understanding toward people, so I feel I will be able to understand their perspectives if I get to know them.
I just posted a new one, and he said that I'll get to meet his parents once he starts going to school, so that's good news! And I'm so excited I'm bouncing all over the place right now haha.

Aw salukigirl, you're so nice!
You live really far away from home. I went to a university that's only 2 hours away from my family, and I miss them terribly.
The school is in an excellent location. My boyfriend chose to be near his family, so if we move there, we're only 1 hour away from both his parents and mine.
And the reason I said I'm messed up is because it's more than quirks. I made some terrible mistakes in the past and I'm working hard to turn the leaf and become a better person.

salukigirl

I will definitely keep everyone posted. Thanks everyone for listening to my long story and help me!
I think I'm gonna get some green tea to calm down this excitement. Maybe I'm high on sugar lol. He bought me sweet tea, so bad for my health 'cause it has tons of sugar. But it tastes so good! I love it! And I love him. Aw he bought me sweet tea! It's my favorite
We have so many cute smilies faces on this forum! Ok I'm gonna stop talking nonsense haha. Tell me when I get annoying.

You sound ecstatic! Good vibes, man!!!

Best wishes, uoffl.

very cool! your bf sounds totally responsive and you're asking for what you need. i think you guys sound like a good match.