I don't wanna seem rude

Ok so you know how there's a saying "Each relationship has it own pace"? Maybe I just made that saying up lol but anyway, here's the situation. I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. The first year has been very rocky. I think for now, we're learning to compromise and understand. We're pretty young, we just graduated college. We're still kids, so I guess we're still trying to find our ways. His parents don't know he has a girlfriend, so he can't talk to me on the phone or anything. When he's able to see me, I think he tells his parents he's going out with this guy friend. Anyway, whenever my family and I do something, I invite him to come along, but he always says no. So today, when he told me that he was going to the beach with his brother, I asked oh how come i can't come? And he said "oh do you want me to come pick you up? I just thought you might get bored 'cause I do beach stuff with my brother and we're gonna stay there long so I don't want you to be bored."
I know I'm not good at the beach thing he does with his brother and friends, but I just wanna come to see him. We rarely get to see each other. So I read again what I asked him online, and I realized I was inviting myself! and that is soo rude of me! I feel bad. Anyone thinks I was unreasonable? He says he wants to go the beach with me alone 'cause then he can spend time with me. I feel like, I'm not being included in any event of his life. Like...the only time I'd spend time with him is when he's alone. If he's with his friends then 100% of the time I won't be invited. So of course if it's an event with his family, I won't be invited either right? I tried inviting him to my friends' events like Thanksgiving party or Christmas party, but he always says no too. So..knowing that he probably won't let his parents know about me for a long time to come, anyone thinks it's weird of me of want to be included in some events with him? I don't know, maybe I am weird.

Frankly, your friend's behavior makes me mighty suspicious. Why will he not tell his parents about you? To me, that is a big time insult.

Well, enough.

TheB said it so much more diplomatically than I would have. My response is...why is a fine young lady like yourself allowing your boyfriend to treat you like his dirty little secret? He's not married? Inept and dealing with social class issues? You do not deserve that either. If you really have the strength to find out, show up at the next family get together and have a nice chat whth his mother complete with pictures of the 2 of you doing relationship things (goes to credibility). Your bf is not willing to tell you the truth so I would not count on him. People who profess to care about one another sure do shi++y things to eachother don't they?

He's an honest person in a fact-kinda way. He says things based on what happened, nothing more nothing less. So I do believe he's telling the truth. I don't think there's anything he's not willing to tell me the truth hehe. His parents are strict 'cause he's getting into medical school right now, so they want him to succeed without distraction, probably. He doesn't want to disappoint his Mom, and that's a noble thought. I wouldn't want to disappoint my Mom either. So I'm working hard in my medical studies too. I understand his position, so I very much appreciate his efforts to see me and talk to me when he can. He basically has to stay near his computer to talk to me online, and that's hard to do too. I know 'cause I'm also on the computer 24/7 to talk to him. So we give and take, we learn to compromise. And if his parents don't yell at him, he borrows his parents' car to see me. I would be scared to ask my mom for her car too if she tends to get angry with me if I go out. Luckily, my mom is understanding. She used to be really strict until I showed my her I can be responsible for my academics being in a relationship.
And no, he's not married lol. I'm understanding about his parents' situation. I guess I would like for there to be world of the two of us, and also an existing of a world where everyone who are close to us can be involved too so they can see how wonderful of a person he is, and he can see how wonderful my family and friends can be. And I wanna see how wonderful his family and friends are also. I just need to communicate it with him hehe. I knew I had thoughts floating around, just needed to make it into coherent sentences. Thanks everyone!

And also, I can't show up at his family's event lol! I think to me, that would mean I'm disrespecting his wishes to give him time to tell his parents when they're ready, and I don't want to be disrespectful.

I don't think you're being rude inviting yourself along with his brother/friends. I assume his brother knows about you and won't "tell" on your boyfriend? Does the brother have a girlfriend he could bring along so you could sort of get to know friends of his friends :-)

How far apart do you live? How did you meet? I don't think I understand how the relationship began and is maintained for so long if you don't see one another much and don't inter-relate with each other's real lives?

But I'm a little concern with how he is "allowed" to go to the beach with his brother and "fool around" but not go out of the house normally? I have three brothers and they were out "driving" in the car whenever they could; the only time I ever ran out of gas was because my next-older brother ran it out of gas just driving around. That's what guys do; I can't imagine what his mother wants from him inbetween graduating and getting into med school? How does going out relate to that?

And I'm back again! lol. I just wanna say thank you to NuckingFutz for saying I'm a fine young lady, but I'm not...really, lol I have my issues to work on. Part of my new year resolution is to be a better person. So yeahh...my boyfriend has to deal with my issues sometimes, and I feel like I'm being unfair to him, and anyway that's a whole other story. So I guess I just came back to say..well I don't know what I was trying to say lol! Just that I have my issues, too. And my boyfriend is wonderful with all his flaws.

Hi Perna, to answer your questions
Yea, I got to meet his brother once I think, but his brother was so quiet I didn't really get to know him or even talk to him actually. And I don't think his brother has a girlfriend. Both of them seem to be really devoted to their family. Anyway, I think he's allowed to go out with his brother. I think when they go to the beach, it's just them two.
Also, we live probably about 35-40 minutes away from each other. We went to the same university so that's how we met. We were in the same major. We met later near the end of the college years in then end of junior and on to senior year. So while we were still in college, we lived together during senior year. I still had my own apartment just so I can put my stuff and come back whenever. So yes, we do have our lives together, dealing with stuff together. But it was always just us two. I still hang out with my friends, and spend time with my family. He still hangs out with his friends, and his family. We just do it separately 100% of the time, even on big holidays. So it's kinda like, when we're together we're all about us. You wouldn't see us separated at all. But once you add in family and friends, then he's never there. And since his parents don't know about me, I'm never there at his events either. I don't know about his friends, maybe they don't like me? They used to invite me to stuff in the beginning of our relationship. Then now they don't anymore? And when he's out with his friends he doesn't invite me along, so I guess they may feel weird too if they invite me haha.
I don't know about his parents and how strict they are, but they just seem really strict to me so maybe he's not allowed to go out at all except with his family or guy friends they know.

Personally your boyfriend is the one being rude. 2 years and his parents don't even KNOW about you? I wouldn't stand for that. My bf and I have been together about a year and he has met my family and I have met his. If you both are out of college then he is old enough to tell his parents he has a gf. This whole thing just sounds weird to me. My bf and I have pretty much intertwined lives now. My family sends him messages on facebook and his mom texts me. I help his sister out with school and my friends are his friends. We still do stuff separately but I wouldn't stand for a guy to not even let me into his life. Especially after 2 years. I'd be inviting myself everywhere if that were the case. And, I'm sorry, but it's not rude to "invite yourself" when you're his gf! I understand that every relationship moves at its own pace but he sounds like a friggen snail. And if that is all because of a relationship with his parents then that is kind of a red flag also. I have dated guys who never talked to their parents about anything and they ended up being pretty rude people in general. My current bf calls his mom all the time, always tells her that he loves her. His relationship with his parents can show you a lot about how he will treat you in the future. I would be really concerned with that whole situation, personally.

Hi salukigirl,
My boyfriend actually talks to his parents every night when he's away in college. He always makes sure to call before they go to sleep so he can tell them all about his day hehe. So I think he's really close to his parents and his parents to him. They really care for each other. I truly do think it's because his parents want him to be successful first before taking on anything else such as relationship. It's a lot of work for both parties to put in a relationship, and I think the adults know that so well, that's why they discouraged kids from being involved too early in life.
It's okay really. I really can totally understand his situation 'cause my mom used to be SOOOO strict with me too. And my best friend's parents are strict with her too, except she doesn't have a boyfriend so she got nothing to worry about. I think it's an Asian thing haha.

uoffl You deserve to be in a relationship where you two are the primary persons in your lives. I am not saying you should be getting married, or even living together but it sounds to me like you don't allow yourself to be considered on the level you should be after TWO years of being together. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking to be involved in going to the beach especially if you don't get to see each other often or even talk on the phone. I don't want to read too much into anything but he seems to be controlling the terms of the relationship a bit from the short bit you have shared. I hope you learn that if you aren't truly happy in a relationship that eventually you will become resentful and that can poison a relationship. Good luck.

Uoffl, I meant what I said...even fine young women have issues. You know what is best for you. Regardless, we offer support on a lot of different levels so keep posting.

Thank you everyone
I will definitely communicate my concern to him, and we'll reach a compromise from there.
Yes yes, I do agree he is the one who control most of the terms for our relationship for now. I wanna think logical, but I can't. I love him, so the only logical thing to me is to be by his side and believe we can get through anything

Sounds to me that you BOTH are old enough to make your own decisions for yourselves?
Granted, maintaining respect for all concerned is noble and admirable, but seems to me, in your situation, is it reasonable?

Two years into your relationship and his parents aren't even aware of you?
Ummmm.....WHY do you tolerate that? Can he not make decisions for himself? Is he so under his parent's control that he is forced to "hide' you from them?
From your description of him, it sounds as though he's still in High School....."Allowed to?"

No. You are not rude for wanting inclusion in his activities, especially considering that the activities you are requesting inclusion don't involve his parents, (from whom he is so inclined to hide you). Which makes me wonder....WHY not include you? Are you sure his parents are the ONLY reason for not including you?

This doesn't make sense to me, other than he is possibly hiding more from you than you care to want to face, or that he apparently is perfectly okay with keeping you at a far distance and has little to no intentions of including you in HIS (other) personal life. So long as you're fine with it and allow it to continue, why would he even think about changing it?
Seems he has best of both worlds...simply because you give it to him?

I hope the best for the both of you.

Shangrala

I understand that you want him to feel comfortable and don't want to push him to do anything he doesn't want to but if he is keeping his grades up while in a relationship then his parents don't really have any room to talk do they? My parents can't say anything to me because they used to always tell me that boyfriends would make me distracted and lower my grades and I still have really good grades. And being successful can mean different things to different people. I think that if you make him happy, then they should be accepting of that. Being successful doesn't always mean money. I will consider myself successful when I'm in a good place in my life which includes all things: healthy financial situations AND healthy emotional relationships.

And how does he get through a conversation everyday without mentioning you? I can't get through a convo with my parents without saying "Dave did this..." or "Oh yeah Dave and I did that the other day". It seems like thats a lot of extra effort just to keep your parents happy. And in the end, you have to do what makes YOU happy.

From what I comprehend, on the list of priorities in uoffl's boyfriend has a priority list: 1. Parents. 2. Medical school. 3. Friends. 4. Uoffl. Now Uoffl is doing her best to stay on this list. Of course this list will change...when her boyfriend graduates med school, internship will replace med school and then internship will be replaced with prabticing medicine. Now Uoffl here sounds like she is in the longhaul for this. Let us give her any and all the support we can.

Edit: NF made me feel mean, so I deleted my comment. :P

lol hello perpetuallysad,
I'm open to comments and opinions so there's no need to delete it. I hope you'll retype it soon

That's what I was afraid to hear, that he's not that into me
But he said he really wants me to be with him. He wants me to move with him to medical school so I'm currently applying to a school that's near his school so we can be together.
I don't want to date other guys
I really want to be by his side. I hope it works out. I really want it to work out.

And I'm back again haha after a little bit of thinking. I don't think he would give me excuses. I feel he's the type who would say something straight such as "I don't want to be with you" rather than be afraid to break up.

You're choosing a school just to be by him? Why can't he choose a med school to be by you? There are like 300 med schools in the U.S. Why are you the one sacrificing everything? Sounds like you do all the giving in this relationship. You can't expect someone to put you above their education - that's a given. But my bf and I talked about it and flat out said...if there is no other reason for you to move other than me, then you shouldn't do it. But I'm not going to lower my education goals or sacrifice MY well being and education for a guy. No matter how much you love someone, it's not worth your own well being. Especially your education. You are there at his beckon call and away when he needs you to be. He wont tell his parents about you even though your parents (who you said are very strict also) know about him. You are straight up changing your school plans to suit him and has he even offered to do the same to you? I would put some serious thought into this before you do it. Why do you want to commit to a relationship that is partially based on a lie? What are you going to do if you're still together when he graduates and can finally tell his parents? You gonna wait another 3 years so that it doesn't look like you guys are engaged after dating for 1 week? Or are you going to be exposed to a family that eventually finds out that their child has been lying about you for years? Either way this sounds like a volcano waiting to erupt. Either they find out about you and resent you for their son lying to them. You guys have to keep up the lie about the last 2 years forever. You move and then break up and you are in a place you don't like without the guy you went their for.

I'm sorry I just really don't see how a situation like this can work out. I'm here for you and will give you all the support you need, but this really does sound like an eruption just waiting to be ignited.

[QUOTE=perpetuallysad;1268124]Edit: NF made me feel mean, so I deleted my comment. :P[/QU ................... I am sorry sad, that was not my intent. Was just trying to show the timeline of a med student and her devotion to her bf. I have my opinions, however Uoffl's reason for coming here was because she thought she was being rude to him. Offl will come to relize she resides under his feet and not by his side as she has written before she can go forward with what she desides to do. Hugs.

salukigirl pretty much said everything I said before I deleted it, so I won't repeat it all. But she's right. Somethings not right in your relationship dear. YOu shouldn't be the only one to be making scarifies.

NF, its alright. I love ya anyhow. :P

hi salukigirl,
I actually did not think about it that way before....what you said really make sense! Ohh noooo.....I don't want his parents to be mad at him about this if they find out, and me!
I know the risk of the move. I've talked it over with my friends and my mom. My moving means I'm putting my faith in the relationship. And faith means believing without seeing for me. I hope we won't break up when I move for him.
About the school, I've done research on the school and they actually have many interesting programs I feel would fit me, so I ended up being really excited about applying there. I know he wouldn't move for me. I asked. Lol yes, I actually asked, and he said he can't 'cause his parents wouldn't let him.
I am really thinking it through about his parents' perspective after salukigirl brings it up. I really have never thought of that before, and now I'm really worried.