[mfunk]

Can someone give me some advice on how not to feel jealousy when my fiancee is affectionate (hugging, caressing, patting belly) towards her male relatives or her close male friends. I don't mind that she be like this with females; she has the softest of hands, and the thought and/or witnessing of her hands touching other males (as mentioned) has me uncomfortable. I can only imagine how they are enjoying her touch, even if it is just a display of affection. I would appreciate any kind, thoughtful advice on this, because I do not want these feelings of jealousy anymore; I just don't know how to get rid of them. I have told her about how I feel, and she just says that I need not to feel that; she is Hispanic, and it may be cultural, I don't know. I am not Hispanic. Help!

[Shangrala]

Matthew~

(I've replied to your other thread regarding same issue)..

You might have a point there.....Hispanics do seem to be more physically affectionate.
I have a Hispanic sis in law, and her conduct of affection is quite more apparent than most in our family. Takes some getting used to, but I've learned is nothing more than her expression of mere harmless affection and is actually quite a refreshing addition to the family.
I do believe it is a cultural thing, yet behavior that still can be tamed if she is willing to compromise for the sake of her relationship with you...

So long as, of course, your jealousies are not exceeding that into possessiveness. Then, there might be a problem.

Hope it works out for you.

Shangrala

[crazybones]

hey man i dont know much about ur situation but i know what you mean my girlfriend was kinda the same way always hugging and touching and so on really all you can do is learn to live with it i know that sounds aweful but girls are more affectionate then us men and there is nothing we men can really do to stop it

[jerrymichele]

I couldn't do that in front of my bf. OMG would he flip out. I don't do that anyways. I never have. If she is just doing a friendly hug then I don't think it's a big deal. If she'd doing it in a flirty way towards some of her guy friends then I would question it.

[billieJ]

Dear mfunk, ~ Have you heard the saying "act as if" or "fake it 'til you make it?" If you can bring yourself to mimic your girlfriend's actions, e.g. show affection for your own female relatives and friends in the same way she does, this can accomplish wonders: you can come to understand the friendliness and innocence of such gestures; and she, watching you, can come to understand how you might feel. Mutual understanding can heal big wounds in a relationship. Jealousy and even rage can be replaced with, "Oh, okay," when there is understanding of the other's behaviors and feelings. And "oh, okay," can make it go away! Wishing you the best that love has to offer ~ billieJ

[salukigirl]

I would just think of the fact that she is doing it in front of you. Why would she be openly affectionate to a male who wants her or someone she wants in front of you? This fact should make you realize that its not meant in that way at all.

Have you talked to her about it? My guy friends and I tell each other we love each other and my boyfriend does that with girl friends of his. I just know that if there was something going on he wouldn't be that open about it with me.

[mfunk]

I guess, what I am wondering is, why would she be affectionate like this with her male relatives or close male friends? It doesn't bother me so much that she shows affection; it is more about how she shows it. I think that the kind of affection she shows them is more appropriate for me, her fiance; she could still be affectionate with them, but in a way that is more respectful, to give me my place.

[salukigirl]

what are some examples of the ways she shows affection? Some people are just flirtatious in nature. I have dated guys like that; girls always had crushes on him because he was just charming and flirtatious in nature. In the end, I couldn't deal with it so we broke up. This sounds like something that needs to be taken care of before you guys get married. If you two are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, you need to have open communication where you can flat out say to her "I'm uncomfortable with your affection towards (insert names here)." If you two are really in this for the long haul, she should be understanding about it and talk about it.

Its not healthy to go into a marriage with a jealousy issue or issues of trust.

[mfunk]

Some examples are: Giving light pats, pokes, or caresses on the belly area; quick hand caresses while doing the typical kiss on the cheek greeting (the kiss does not make me feel awkward, just the touch part); and rubbing their backs when hugging them. I don't mind good squeezes for hugs; just the "extras" that she tends to add in to the affection.

Isn't touch something that is reserved for the intimate partner? I know that, out of respect, if I ever hug anyone other than my fiancee, I am so good about just doing a quick hug (squeeze), or a quick handshake; I am always thinking first of the comfort of my lady.

Comments?

Originally Posted by salukigirl

what are some examples of the ways she shows affection? Some people are just flirtatious in nature. I have dated guys like that; girls always had crushes on him because he was just charming and flirtatious in nature. In the end, I couldn't deal with it so we broke up. This sounds like something that needs to be taken care of before you guys get married. If you two are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, you need to have open communication where you can flat out say to her "I'm uncomfortable with your affection towards (insert names here)." If you two are really in this for the long haul, she should be understanding about it and talk about it.

Its not healthy to go into a marriage with a jealousy issue or issues of trust.

[salukigirl]

Personally, I think this sounds like your deal more than hers. It doesn't sound like you only have a problem with her affection towards others, but also your affections towards people. How will you feel when her and her father do their first dance at the reception? That is definitely a lot of touching and putting heads on shoulders etc...

I think the more important thing here is to figure out why you can't have those affections around. It would be different if you could show that to others, then it just sounds like a little jealousy. But this sounds like an issue you have with showing affection, not specifically with her. I don't know why but that can be a sign if you can't do more than a quick hug with people you are close to.

And I'm not trying to put you down because i'm the same way and working on it now. I just recently started saying "i love you" to my own parents and it feels weird every time. I can't show affection towards boyfriends around my family and can't show my family affection. All of my family is that way because that's just how we were raised. It's really weird to me that my boyfriend and his sister hug every time they see each other and say I love you to each other because my family just doesn't do that.

But I know that that's my problem. Affection is just a normal emotion and, unless it goes overboard (which it doesn't sound like your fiancee does) then it should actually be embraced. You have a loving woman with a huge heart! That should be the focus here. You have a fiancee that loves her family and wants to show them that. I would be more worried if she acted the way I do around family.

[mfunk]

Hello again.

As I have said before, I have never suggested that she not demonstrate affection to her family (especially her dad, mom, and sisters); I am speaking more about the males (that are not in her family, but are close friends). I do value that she has such a giving heart; she is a terrific person.

There is nothing wrong with showing affection with close friends and such; all I am really questioning is the kind of affection (which does seem a bit much to me) that she does show to those males. From my end, I do show affection towards those that I am close with, but I always respect the comfort and rights that my fiancee has, and never engage in prolonged touching or things like that.

Just last week, one of her coworkers (male) was having a farewell party, for his contract had expired (and was never extended). All of his coworkers (females only, including my fiancee) were present, and I am sure it was quite the difficult time for all. I also know how such a party tends to end (and I know just how close my fiancee was to him); I got really anxious, for I knew that when it was her turn to give him the hug, it was going to be quite the endorphine stimulator (she is such a soft, demonstrative hugger). Can you see why I might be feeling a bit awkward?

Maybe a blessing, or not, but we are 4000 miles apart, she and I; seeing that interaction would have been hard for me to stomach, even in this circumstance. Yes, you have a point, that this is more about me than anything else; my thing is, again, I do not have a problem with her being affectionate, but how she is doing it.

[salukigirl]

I'm not sure I really follow you here anymore. You keep saying that you understand that this problem is with you but then ask the same questions you have been. I'm really confused about what you said that you know how these parties usually end? It really sounds like you are too possessive. To be blunt it sounds like you need to chill out. If this isn't something you can deal with then you shouldn't be marrying her.

You respect her and don't engage in something like what? You are seriously making it sound like she makes out with men when she hugs them. I don't feel like I can help you because it seems like this is YOUR problem not hers. How is it appropriate when everyone else in the world hugs....but not her? Seems like you are seeing things that aren't there simply because you're insecure.

[4gotten1]

i have a slight jealousy issue myself ... im not sure how to handle it. recently, my bf of 6 months proposed to me and of course i said yes. we live together with his mother and his best friend ((a girl)) in a one bedroom trailer. him and her are very close but i know there is no chance for them to do anything cu they arent THAT close. but they believe the saying "bros before hoes" ... she loves attention so when he is showing me alot of attention she feels left out and ignored and gets pissed off which upsets him and makes him stop paying attention to me and pay attention to her. so now he rotates basically back and forth from me to her. cuddling with me, then cuddle with her ... is this right? is me feeling jealous wrong? am i in the right to think they need to stop cuddling sop much? i honestly feel like he is dating both of us but the only difference is he has sex with me ... i need help here.

[bridgie]

It does seem a little odd that he would cuddle with her so much. I mean attention like playing cards or conversing is also good attention but close personal physical attention I believe he should keep for you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that much closeness between them. Iguess I really don't have the answer. You will have to decide what is too much for you and if it is interfering in your relationship. Good luck.

[salukigirl]

First off that whole situation seems a little......odd. And if my bf ever cuddled with another girl he would be gone.

[4gotten1]

Originally Posted by bridgie

It does seem a little odd that he would cuddle with her so much. I mean attention like playing cards or conversing is also good attention but close personal physical attention I believe he should keep for you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that much closeness between them. Iguess I really don't have the answer. You will have to decide what is too much for you and if it is interfering in your relationship. Good luck.

thank u for that ... i thought iwas the only one who saw this as a problem