problems with adopted daughter

I don't know where to start. Why on earth am I at this place in my life as a mother to this 17 year old when all I ever wanted to do was love her and protect her? I wanted to give her a better life. She is somewhat developmentally delayed. Early language deprivation. She was exposed to everything you could imagine. She has been here since she was three. We have been her parents. She has been going with a boy who we have had odd feelings about since the beginning. It now turns out that he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to her.

Within the last 2 weeks we have come down hard and terminated their relationship. He scares me, and his family scares me. Please no one take offense to this as I do not mean it culturally, but his family is off the screen from DELIVERANCE. Meaning, they have no respect or clue to societies rules or human law, just what they themselves want. His family I think has been wanting to get her pregnant and wants her to move in with them when she is 18 in a few months. There is no way. Why would I have parented this kid for 14 years? I want her to have a better life. She has no understanding of how they are manipulating her. She has no understanding about this boy and the mind games he plays. She is in Therapy with the same T for a long time and the T does not believe that she understands what is happening. For the past 2 weeks she has been with friends of ours who are taking care of her. They are trying to show her a normal good time and a more normal sense of activities. She isn't even trying to spend time with her brother who is here for the weekend.

Next week her sister graduates and my in laws are coming up. She told my friends that she thought that the grandparents would want nothing to do with her. I don't have a lot of extended family. I have no family except my children, spouse and friends.

I am so torn between saying forget it and letting her go, and going all out and filing for guardianship and making every effort to help her be safe and have a better life.

I am hurt as heck. She seems like she could care less for us. She has hurt her sister badly. I can forgive a lot but she has rejected her sister and this has caused her pain.

She is brainwashed by this boy and his family. She has no clue what it is like to be part of a family and doesn't know what responsibility being a part of a family is.

She has a birth sister who she doesn't seem to want contact with. I have tried to encourage them to stay in touch. She doesn't even want to do this. it hurts. I put my family through hell so many times doing foster care of special needs kids. We adopted this one and her own written story tells that she was hiding behind a tree in the park after the adoption because she didn't want to be adopted. She was 6 when the adoption occured but 3 when she came.

I went into her room earlier, something I try not to do for privacy reasons. She had notes that could be purchased by the worst porn mags around! I am mixed up a lot about all of this. I hear the voice of THE EVIL MOTHER telling me that I was dirty and bad because I had sexual parts of me. I wasn't seamless like a doll. And then I wonder if I have done that to this daughter. I don't think so, having sex wasn't the issue for me with her, it was him going around bragging about it and offering no apologies for betraying a trust. Little creep. he wrote all of these notes about wanting to do certain things some more.

So I have to figure out where to go from here. Cut my losses and turn her loose the way she wants? Do the restraining order and try for guardianship? Tell her to take her stuff that she says was never as good as her sister or brother's and get the hell out of here!

I just don't need the grief! I am hurting about it all and I have to darned much stress in my life. Time to make some decisions.

Wisewoman, as a mother, I would want to try for guardianship and the restraining order. BUT, then there's the part of me as an outsider here saying "OK, this is how she wants it, fine, let her go and maybe then she'll see how "bad" she really had it."

As much as we want to protect our kids from not so great things, there comes a time when we have to let them make their own decisions.

With her developmental delay, would that make getting the guardianship easier, for her own protection?

I see you're so torn here, wanting to let her go for your own sanity, but wanting to protect her because she can't make responsible decisions of her own.

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but I'm just now entering the tough teen years with my own kids (the things they tell me some of their classmates are doing already just astouds me). I wanted to let you know I was reading.

Make the decision that hurts the least amount of people, is the best I can think of, because it doesn't look like everyone is going to come out unscathed.

((((((((((((((WW)))))))))))

((((((Wisewoman))))))

I don't know what to tell you, except to follow your heart. I just don't know what I would do in your situation. My gut instinct is to say "File for the guardianship of her", but I don't have to walk in those shoes. I'm sorry that things are so hard with your daughter.

Wow Wisewomen.. this seems so much like a situation I just went through with my step-daughter. I love her but she is also dd and I just couldn't convince her that she shouldn't make a drastic move she went ahead and made anyway. IShe has moved thousand of miles away from her entire support system and not only is she DD but also blind! I'ts been fine so far. My husband, her Dad, wanted to go the court way but I was against it because I thought it would make her feel that all the successful stages she had gone through didn't mean anything. So we have taken our chances, moved back and made sure she knows that if she falls we will caught her. But her lack of love for us is what has me bewildered, like all those years didn't mean anything. She was a premie and came into my life when she was 3 also, but I guess the damage was already done. All the machines that kept her alive also seemed to have mutted her ability to love - detached. I can only tell you it has been a real trial.. so far so good though! I'll hope for the best for you too

Best Always
Deirdre

((((((((((((((((((((((WW))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I would apply for guardianship because at 17, they still do not know what is best for them. At least I didnt. I understand though wanting to let go and relieving yourself from all this stress and pain. This is truely a dilema. I am sorry i dont have more advice but I wish you the best and hope for a peaceful resolution. Take care and Much Love.


Jen

I think if it were me I would think about the severity of the developemental degree. I mean is she really bad or just mild? If it is a mild case then I am not sure it would do any good to go for guardianship. Hope all goes well with you hon

Well, thanks everyone. I am so tired. I don't know about the guardianship either. I am quite torn. I want to give them all up at this point as they are all a bunch of pains. i spoke with boy's and girls town today and they recommended me getting her back right now, as soon as possible because she is a minor and just because she is angry it doesn't mean she gets to go have a vacation somewhere. Her disability looks mild but in testing she is 1 point from official diagnoses of Mentally retarded. She is however much more functional then that. Her hatred toward us is the worst. I just can't deal with that. And then the youngest gives my hubby grief because we don't eat together etc and she mightr as well move out. I am about ready to open the door and tell them all to fly away. I am hurt and angry. Thanks for the replies, it helps to see differing view points. i guess it's time my spouse and I gave it all up and shrunk down to living in a yurt off the grid and simplified everything.

Keeping the lines of communication open are most important here... if you can't do that between you and her, then I suggest a third party to mediate.. anyone from a T to her school counselor or principal...

Don't let her go. If nothing else, she needs to know you care enough. Even if she rebels against it, tell her it is because you do care and you are doing the best you can to protect her. When she is old she won't be in therapy because you didn't care enough to try.

((((((((((((((((((ww)))))))))))))))))) i'm going to respond to this soon. i need to get baby down and then respond.

kd

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They are trying to show her a normal good time and a more normal sense of activities.

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This has me confused! Why is she at someone else's house to see "a more normal" environment? You don't feel you've given her a normal life? If not, then it's time you let her go. However, if I had taken her in, there is absolutely no way I would turn her lose right now! NOW is when she needs you the most; when she's about to really derail her life and who knows what could happen to her. There's no way I could let her go knowing all the trouble she can get into know and who knows what else in the future.

Oh lady, I don't know what to say, what to suggest, I first want to really let you know, along with all the rest of we readers, that I'm here, I'm reading and thinking on you, I am listening.

If I was with you in person I'd be able to give you a hug and bring you food and whatever you needed. Maybe a chance to sleep and rest undisturbed.

I hear you about Deliverance, I know what type of family you are talking about.

Is there any third choice? Anyone else who could take her in, anyone responsible?

(((((((wisewoman)))))))

More thoughts on this, what if you decided to be first completely focused on you? I'm just brainstorming here, what if you pulled in all the support you can think of for -you-? Because you sound beyond fried, burnt out, in deep need of some support and lovin' and time for you first. You are in a situation that would test the patience of a thousand saints.

Sometimes, even though I know about a bad situation, and could probably do something to help rectify it, I have to still walk away, for my own sanity and ability to survive.

If you do go the guardianship route, are there more resources you can call in so you don't get abused and emotionally battered anymore?

Along the brainstorming idea, if you could do anything in the world, what would it be?

oh ((((((((((((ww))))))))))))))

it sounds like you have a daughter in so much pain. i would wager money on that she has some very severe attachment issues, combined with a deep hunger for love and acceptance- a incredibly painful combination

i don't have to walk in your shoes, so far be it for me pass judgment on any decision you make, but my heart bleeds for this young girl. she needs a loving mother, even though she rails against it. i say get the restraining order and do whatever you can to help her while you still can. from someone who has railed against a "mother's" (my T's) love plenty, i can say that sometimes when it seems you aren't getting through at all and it hurts like hell to try to love someone, you can reach them in ways that you can't see and you can help them find their way out of crisis. T did that for me.

you can't save everyone, though, as terribly sad as that is.

please trust your heart to know when you have given everything you can and cannot go any farther.

sending you many wishes for strength to sustain you, clarity to help you see what needs to be done, and love to inspire you and keep you willing/able to do what you must...

Sept, I meant more normal being that she has done nothing normal since this boy started controlling her life. It was subtle, we didn't see it happening that she didn't want to be with us and was not going to social functions with us. ALSO a very bad attitude. I learned that we can start the guardianship now so it's in place come her b'day, and I also spoke with her and tried to get her to look into the battering cycle stuff. She is determined she wants to run her life her own way.

Sky, Sweet and Sarah, Yes Sweet you hit it on the Mark, she does have severe attachment issues. She is blind to the mental abuse he is inflicting on her and she is doing this teen rebellion thing very well. Oh my. So far I told her to be home after therapy weds and that she belonged here, I would get guardianship, I would stop her from being abused by this kid who is like her birth dad. I told her she had the best dad here in the whole world and she should recognize what she has because if she throws it away she will come to regret it someday. She can't even see the battering cycle though she explains his behavior very well and he fits right in there. I also gave her grief for a comment she made about her grandparents not wanting to see her now because she is not their "real" grand daughter. I was angered by that. They have been the best grand parents to her. I told her I know she is wondering where she belongs, and she belongs here, with us, her family, that she knows that she has history with us and her life story has been mostly with us. Who knows if she'll get it. My friends have been great at keeping her busy doing normal things and away from this boy. Thanks for all of your support.

Okay, here is the twist. I gave this daughter hotline numbers for teens and woman who are in abusive relationships. I was hoping she would reach out and speak with others about what is happening and get feedback. Well, she did, she was given the number for legal aid. There has to be humor here. I who strive to protect basic human and civil rights have a daughter call legal aid on me? My instinct is to fight for her. There is a children's book, I don't remember the name or anything but it has words like as long as... my baby you'll be. In this story the baby animal says what if I fly away etc etc and the mother always answers that she will come after the baby. Does anyone know this book? I want it for my daughter. At least I can tell her this is where she belongs. I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe the court will decide she doesn't need a guardian. I know this boy is troubled but I really hate him right now. She wants to take care of him and feels that her place is with him. Thanks for listening.

<font color="green"> WW, you are confusing two books one is 'The Runaway Bunny'by Margaret Wise and the other is "Love You Forever' by Robert N. Munsch. Amazon carries both and they are not too expensive. You might want to look at Gregory Keck's books,he deals with children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder and has written two good books about dealing with them. I have two girls who have RAD but are healing. </font>

consider shring a poem called "answere to an adopted child". with her. It made a great difference I am told in my life as I also was adopted at a very long age. Your discription of her is almost a mirror immage of meI when I was in my late teens. drop me an e-mail if you would like me to send it to you. alivetoday.(.Paul)