[seeker1950]

Hello, I am new here, and at age 54, divorced 8 years, refraining from a relationship with any man for the past three years, I met a man last Feb. thru Yahoo Personals. A Psychology Ph.D., an engineer, and a gifted musician, I was smitten from the start. I had never met someone so intelligent and attractive. We became sexual by the second date, and since I had been celibate for a long time, I was unable to perform, experiencing what my OBGYN described as "atrophy.
This was not a small step for me, having been alone by choice for a substantial period of time. I felt anxiety about it and expressed it to the man, but never really rec'd comforting responses, only talk of the sexual attraction. We continued to see each other on the weekends for a couple of months, but during that time, as my anxieties grew, I began to feel some resentment at his detachment. I, on the other hand, was feeling I had fallen in love with him. During our last visit, I discussed this with him, after sex, and he stated bluntly that he was "not in love" with me. I cried as he repeated this several times. This occurred at least two months ago, and I haven't seen him since. I have emailed (not called) him several times, receiving only polite responses. I know I must get over this and move on. I am currently in summer grad school in Fine Art, and grateful for the distraction, but I still come home each day thinking about him.
His dissertation was all about the brain, and he had stated to me that he believed in "nothing" spiritual. I, on the other hand, do lean toward spirituality, and like to attend Church. I had talked to him about my beliefs, and felt that was a turnoff. Also, since I am 54, and he 50, I felt my age might have been a factor, although he sought me out, and at first was very complimentary and seemingly devoted to building a relationship.

I am still in great pain and devastated by the way things worked out. I resist now the desire to contact him. The aftermath leaves me feeling humiliated.

I would like to hear from anyone here regarding this experience. I want to move beyond it!

Seeking

[(JD)]

Hi seeker. I know about yahoo personals and wonder why, if you were both honest about your spirituality how this mixup occurred! I'm sorry you are so torn. I met a guy with a PhD and he was taken with me also...and left his card for me to pick up at my table... but it went nowhere. I am wondering if there is something to the idea that if we all were so wonderful, we wouldn't be on yahoo personals?

Anyway... I digress.. I'm sorry it seemed he only wanted a physical relationship. I hope you can continue to seek... I agree with you, that even 4 years age difference can be big if other factors are not close too.

Don't feel humiliated... this was part his problem too... learn what you can and you'll become better at it.. remember, you had no practice for a long time and the field and rules tried changing!

[Myzen]

Hi seeker,

Oh, how painful and I feel for you very much, especially about overcoming your fear of intimacy only to be hurt.

About the guy - a big lesson I have learned over the years is that intellectual ability is not related to wisdom and sensitivity, one does not follow the other. This guy sounds bright in one way and really dumb in another. He sounds like a 'cold fish' to me.

There are genuinely warm and caring people in the world, although IMHO they are not so easy to find when you need one!

A thought about rejection. In my quite long experience, I have noticed that when I have been rejected, it is by someone who is not really very nice. I often hear that they have done the same elsewhere. The really nice people that I know don't go in for rejection, as it would be painful to them to have to do it to someone, if you follow my thinking.

This is only a generalisation of course, but I think there is some truth in it. It's like the difference between employers who 'hire and fire' and those who look after their staff. I know which kind of boss I would choose!

Good thoughts, Myzen

[seeker1950]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses...
Myzen, you have hit the nail on the head regarding this fella. He had related how women from his past acted out in "anxious" ways, and when I questioned him, he was guarded and/or nonresponsive, except in a clinical way. At one point, out of frustration, I had sent him an article, via email, about Emotional Intelligence, and he even characterized himself as a "colf fish."
One of the reasons I became so enamoured is that he started out very attentive, emailing and calling daily, but that soon subsided. I kept thinking it was something I had said or done, or even my age, which turned him off. I kept hoping to resurrect the first impressions and responses from him, but he became more and more distant. Emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic come to mind, but I still have trouble with self-blame. I truly cared for him, and the physical attraction as well as the emotional and intellectual were very rare for me. I know, cause I've dated several fellas who didn't do a thing for me and to whom I had to talk myself into looking past my feelings of disgust or revulsion. Not so with this man, but maybe that is because he was such an enigma, and that was the "hook." So....I know I have to learn from this, and move on. I certainly don't want to pursue anyone who doesn't want me! Nor do I want to be in a relationship where I am in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety...No way! I know, I KNOW!, that in a healthy relationship, there should be none of that...NONE!!!l
Incidentally, he sought ME out when I tentatively placed my profile on Yahoo, not even joining, but stating that I could be reached thru my art sales on Ebay, and that is how he contacted me. I removed my profile shortly thereafter. I have no desire to search thru that venue again....too many jerks!
Seeking

[Myzen]

Hi Seeker,

Hope I was a little help, it's a rough situation. One comfort is that so many of us have had to deal with it at some time or another.

Now the future beckons! My belief is that if you were attractive to this guy, who obviously thought very highly of himself, then you will be attractive again.

Good things do happen.

Cheers, Myzen

[MacD]

Everything you've written about this man indicates to me that he was never interested in a relationship with any depth ("only talk of sexual attraction"....emphatic about lack of interest in spiritual)....He was literally telling you in roundabout ways that his interest had specific parameters....You're obviously intelligent and articulate....Don't worry, a better prospect will come around....grace

[seeker1950]

MacD....I have given your response a lot of thought!!!! When I first read your words, my mouth literally dropped open, and I have been thinking about what you have said all afternoon. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I think you are right! For some reason of denial on my part, I have been unable to see this truth! I am going to print the responses I've rec'd here and keep referring to the insights you and others have shared with me .
Thanks,
Seerker