[salukigirl]

So I'm sure you guys are sick of my bf posts by now but I'm really through with him this time. Everytime I accept his apologies and nothing ever changes. Just this morning I got a "**** you" for making a joke about him being lazy. Everytime we argue it goes back to the same thing. He either has become very insecure or has just been really good at hiding it for a year. He cannot take any criticism at all and usually whenever I try to say anything about something that bothers me he makes fun of me or mocks me. He will start screaming and cussing at me and then tell me that I'm the one overreacting.

Just the other day i really thought we made some real progress. He said he knows he is very insecure, knows he overreacts and that it really hurts him when he realizes that he has hurt me. But now its to the point where his apologies mean absolutely nothing. I hear them and feel nothing because I know in 3 days we will just fight over the same exact thing.

I understand that i still overreact and get jealous but I flat out say "I am feeling insecure because..." or "I overreacted because...." but he plays these mind games and wont ever just say what's going on. I just don't have the patience or mental capacity to deal with it. I went through all these feelings when I was 18 and don't want to relive them. He is 26 and is still in a 17 year old frame of mind.

I'm sick of never knowing how he will react to something. I'm sick of listening to him cuss at me and call me names. I'm sick of hearing "Oh so its always my fault." or "I guess I'm just not good enough for you". I'm tired of all these cop outs.

I'm just tired of this whole situation.

[perpetuallysad]

That sucks, Salukigirl. As I am reading this I cannot help but hope you are not pregnant (from that other post...). I have had a bf that was really very similar to what you describe. It actually got to the point to where I would literally not speak for days at a time just to keep from having to listen to him criticize/complain/make fun of me for whatever it was that I said. I mean it was a constant fight, unless I gave in and ignored what he said or did or else I ended up apologizing when he clearly was the one who did the crappy thing. I guess the point of me saying all of this is that we broke up and I felt such intense relief after a few days of not having to squelch myself constantly. Is there a friend you could stay with for a few days or something? Maybe if you could spend some time away from him you can better evaluate your situation and decide if you are doing what really makes you happy.

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Saluki,
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Don't feel bad about posting about your boyfriend -- that's what this forum is here for. For people to talk and vent and get support when they need it. No need to apologize.

I kind of agree with perpetuallysad. Maybe you need a few days without him to kind of clarify the situation for yourself. Part of me actually feels extremely guilty when I read your post, simply because I'm currently in a loop of treating my poor boyfriend really meanly lately. That's my own issue, and I don't want to pull away from your thread, but I know with myself... I love him so much, but right now, I have other things going on in my life that are stressing me out. And this isn't an excuse, but he's the closest person to me and I feel the most comfortable with him, that I find myself.. showing my true colors to him.. when he has done absolutely nothing wrong. Like your boyfriend, I feel extremely guilty and upset with myself at having caused pain to the one I love. Perhaps your boyfriend is also really stressed about something. Does he know about the pregnancy issue? Is the upcoming move not sitting well with him? Is he simply have trouble adjusting to the fact that he is growing up and getting ready to start his own family and life beyond the comfort of others taking care of him? If this is a relationship that you feel is worth saving and working on, perhaps couples counseling is in order? Is he open to the idea of really working hard to make this relationship succeed? I feel like he's trying, seeing how you said you made such a break through, but perhaps it will just be a slow push and pull process, and maybe he just needs some extra help (therapy wise?). At the very least, I believe that counseling might be able to help him with communication -- which seems to be the main issue you are having.

I don't think you should feel bad, though, if you think it is over. There is nothing wrong with getting out of a relationship if it is causing you harm in anyway -- and if it is taking a toll on you mentally/emotionally, then maybe you should get out, so you have time to heal a little before you move for grad school. Be strong, the decision is yours, and we want you to do what is best for you. We support whatever decision you make, and will be here to listen to anything else you need to vent about or discuss.

Best wishes, and I hope everything turns out well for you,
Ro

[salukigirl]

Thanks guys. We talked for probably about 8 hours yesterday and got a lot of stuff out in the open. Whether that means it can be fixed or not I don't know. I told him that I miss the old him and finally got him to talk about stress from grad school and graduating. I still don't feel very confident that this is going to work out but we'll see. I have just been pushed around by men so much that I absolutely refuse to let someone talk to me that way. So its really hard to get over when the person you're supposed to confide in calls you names and screams at you. Ugh.

[perpetuallysad]

I'm glad you guys talked, hopefully that helped. I am still sorry you are going through this though and I hope things resolve themselves in a way that will help you be happy.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I told him that I miss the old him and finally got him to talk about stress from grad school and graduating.

That's what I was thinking/wondering about when you mentioned the "year" timeframe. I was wondering if he was in grad school and doing as well as you or was jealous/feeling insecure you're starting on your doctorate next, etc.

[salukigirl]

Perna - I think that might have something to do with it. It seems like some stuff he SAYS he likes but then it also makes him feel bad. Like he says he loves that I'm driven but I think it makes him a little insecure that I'm further ahead than he was at 22. And he says that he likes that I'm more conservative in physical areas but then wants me to get kinda crazy lol.

One big thing I need to take into account was his upbringing - he went to a private Lutheran school until high school. He said that he was not allowed to show emotion period or else he would be ridiculed. They just weren't allowed to do anything really. So now, over a decade later, he still has this front where he feels like he has to act different on the surface.

And I said that when I get to see the real him, that's what I like. I like the guy that would sit up and talk all night with me or would go to the bar and act like a total idiot with me and dance stupid. Not the guy that acquires the personality of whoever he is around. I'm a very 'real' person and put myself out there and don't necessarily care what people think of me. But I think his upbringing has made it almost impossible for him to really discover himself.

He even said that he knows something is wrong but doesn't know what. He can't express in words how he feels or what he thinks is missing. I think him even realizing that is a big step.

He did cry last night (I didn't physically see it but I heard it) which is the closest he has ever come to showing real true emotion in front of me or anyone else. I told him it made me feel horrible that I was basically telling him it was over and he wasn't even shedding a tear. Then I started bawling because him sitting there with a straight face through that made me feel like he didn't give a rats *** if I left or not. And I think him seeing me like that really hurt him.

Later on I kinda talked him through expressing how he is feeling right now. I just asked him what was frustrating about his thesis and got info that has been going on for months that I never knew about! He said he is scared that this college life is all he has known for years and it will all be over. I think he is a little jealous that I get to go on to grad school when his is finished. He said he is terrified that he doesn't know where he will be or what he'll be doing in 4 months, doesn't know if he will have a job, doesn't know where he will live etc...

I feel like I don't want to NOT have him in my life but I don't want to be with this negative person he has turned into. I told him all the things that I miss about our relationship and he agreed. I think right now we need to take it one day at a time. My friend told me I could stay at her house if I needed some time away. We'll see what happens. I'm just afraid to let things go back to normal because I feel like the reality of the situation won't really sink in.... does that all make sense? Sorry that was such a long rant.