[Belle1979]

Long story.. don't know really where to start. If you have read my other posts then you know that I thought one of my friends had intentions towards me.
He has been brilliant through out the break-up, been there for me every moment I needed him, kept me sane when I was breaking down, took me out when I was feeling blue. Gave me hugs when I needed them and spent all his time trying to make me smile.

A little while ago he told me he had feelings for me.. I guess I thought at the time that maybe I did too. We talked it out and really I thought it was sorted and that he accepted that there wouldn't me more beween us. Not to mention that I'm on anti-depressants and seeing my T all because of a break-up that lead to suicidal thoughts with one 'small' attempt.

We have kept the friendship going - went out to the movies with him for new years and have been spending a fair amount of time with him. I was worried I was giving mixed signals so tried really hard not to be more than just friends 'friendly'.

He had said that I shouldn't be with anyone until I was off the anti-depressants and not seeing my T anymore as it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else. I totally agree with that.

One night when I walked him out there was a bit of playing around - I accidentally touched his bum when hugging goodbye.. in the end I said something I like "I have a better arse - see?" and I turned around for him to grab it... I just wasn't thinking at the time. Stupid me once again. I was just being playful and flirty I guess. I was feeling good about myself - selfesteem had come back in a small way.

Tonight is my worst nightmare come true. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me and that I should give it a chance. Many many text messages later and I'm crying, hurt, frustrated and I feel guilty. I just don't feel the 'spark'. He says it will grow - I don't think it will. I have been in one rebound realationship before and it was not good.. it lasted a year or so and he loved me greatly and ended up terribly hurt. I never fell for him and it broke his heart.

Thats exactly what I think would happen here if let it. I'd be unsatisfied and he would end up hating me, hurt and heart broken.

The other thing he is arguing is that I didn't love Mark at the start either - it was a fling to me - but the key to that was there was butterflies, passion and the feeling of excitment when I thought of him (all lustful thoughs).... the love grew after Mark sais that he had feeling for me than went beyond just a fling.. I opened my heart again (shouldn't have!!).

I think that I've lost his friendship and it's horrible. All the thoughts that go through my head are a mess right now. Did I lead him on? Did I manipulate the situation because I was needy? How can I fix this? Why can't I just make everyone happy?

I'm not fully over Mark - true I don't really talk about it with this friend - because I only talk about it here and with my T.

One thing this has made me realise is that Mark couldn't give us a second chance because he didn't have the inlove feeling 100% anymore, lucky to have it 20%.
I don't have the 'inlove' or 'lust' feeling for my friend and now I've ripped his heart out and stomped on it.

I was finally climbing out of the hole that I was in - I was 75% of the way up the side when all of this happened. Now I'm a horrible person, not worth anything and I deserve everything that has happened to me and more. I'm back where I started.

My signature is all false now.

Please help!

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Belle ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lynn P.]

Hi Belle,
I think you're being too hard on yourself. There a famous radio host in the U.S and Canada - she always tell people who have broken up "to wait at least 1 year before starting a new relationship." The reason being you need to heal and grieve the relationship that's lost. You don't want to get into a rebound relationship because it will most likely fail. It's not fair to you or him.

If I were you, would write him a letter explaining all of this. Do you think you could ever see him the same way he sees you, in the future? The only time it would be okay to become physically involved in to do the 'friends with benefits' arrangement- where 2 people agree to be physical but with the boundaries they are only friends and not in love. Since he has already declared he loves you, then I don't think this is possible in your situation. If you don't think you can ever love him in a romantic way, you should be honest about that, but say you still want to be friends. Your friendship should have boundaries of course, so you want to avoid things like butt slapping LOL. I hope he comes around and still wants to be friends. You're entitled to make sure you're in a healthy place before you get romantically involved again and you shouldn't feel bad about this. You're protecting yourself and your friend from being hurt.

[lynn09]

((((((((((Belle)))))))))) I couldn't say anything better than lynn P. already has, so I'm giving you warm and gentle hugs to help see you through this. Take heart and take care. lynn09

[Belle1979]

Thank you all

I ended up talking with him on the phone last night. I explained how I feel and he explained how he feels. I really do hope that we can be friends for ever.
I'm sorry that I gave him 'mixed' signals if that's what I did.
I don't think that I could ever have a romantic relationship with him. The attraction is just not there from my side and I think to start a relationship like he wants that attraction needs to be there.

I know that I have hurt him and that causes me pain too - but not what he is feeling now. I try my best never to hurt any one and to make everyone happy (something the T says we need to review haha).

Thanks for the hugs and thoughts everyone

[Belle1979]

He came down to work to see me (that is a usual thing) but today it was horrible. He's cold, distant and it just felt wrong. He said he only came down to say sorry in person.
I get that he has to distance his emotions now from me but it was painful seeing him like that.
I just hope that this all blows over and it goes back to some sort of friendship that we had before...But was the friendship and how close we have become since my break up only because if the feelings he had for me?

I am so confused.

There have been other threads here where women have lamented the inability of men to distinguish what women deem to be acts of friendship for something more. I expect your friend is hurting quite badly now. As long as he retains any hope of a romantic relationship there will be a problem. I would not be surprised if he pops in now and again until it fully sinks in what he wants is not going to happen. Thereafter, I also would not be surprised if all contact stops.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

There have been other threads here where women have lamented the inability of men to distinguish what women deem to be acts of friendship for something more. I expect your friend is hurting quite badly now. As long as he retains any hope of a romantic relationship there will be a problem. I would not be surprised if he pops in now and again until it fully sinks in what he wants is not going to happen. Thereafter, I also would not be surprised if all contact stops.

I really hope not we have been friends for 7 years..

He just text me asking if I was up a a walk tonight, it made me happier but I don't want to hurt him more. I just like spending time with him.

Well, I have been where he is at. It is hard to give up hope even when told flat out it is not going to happen. Eventually, he will pay a price.

[thegreatest1983]

I paid the price today thebyzantine. belle1978 said to regester to make a comment if it was relevent. and i feel this is. I really messed up with this situation today.
I have personal issues of my own and dont want to go into too much detail. But i let my standards down. It was for what felt a justified cause but still was not right. I dont know if i can ever feel for belle what she describes anymore, after what has happened. And not sure if i was fully in love, just starting to think that it was starting to grow. However my love for her as a friend and a person is strong.
I can honestly and truthfully say that she is not only the best thing to happen to me, but everyone who meets her. including all you lot and you know it if you have spoken to her.
She has been there when i needed and i have always tried to do the same thing back. I cant bear the thought of loosing such a person that has helped through lifes difficulties. But whats worse is I cant bear to stand to loose the person who makes me laugh with our trips to saturn (soz belle secrets out) and much more that i wont go into cos its not my thread. and as all friends do i know ive done my best to return the favour and it is an honour to do so.
After our discussion today belle im happy we havent gotten lost. your a good mate precious. lol

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Well, I have been where he is at. It is hard to give up hope even when told flat out it is not going to happen. Eventually, he will pay a price.

I do hope not. I love him as a friend and I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to get hurt - not by me. I have hurt him already and the trust is gone. I hope we can re-build it and have a better friendship in the long run....

I wish you and he the best.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I wish you and he the best.

Thank you

[Belle1979]

A lot has happened with this guy now..He had been checking my forums EVERYDAY! which I didn't find out until later... (when he started quoting things from the threads!!!!!)
Also used my password to access my facebook etc... and says that I broke his trust because I told someone a small part of what he said to me after she (who he doesn't know and never will) asked if I was okay on my Facebook wall...I didn't write it on my wall but in a private facebook message to her.

My Therapist has told me to cut all contact with him as he is volitile... not to mention as my T said - 'he violated you' - in reference to checking my forum EVERYDAY like it was the done thing and looking at my facebook mail after accessing my acount..

I guess I am writing here again because I don't see him as a friend anymore. Last weekend he told me to go and get drunk as I'm more fun... I'm an alcoholic... telling me something like that is NOT what a friend would do and it's not something to joke about in my opinion. I have been sober for 4 and a half years.... If I was going to drink the last 3 months would have done it to me and being told that was just stupidity on his part.

I think I"m babbling but I need to just get all my anger today out.

I didn't cut contact was just letting the 'friendship' die a natural death in its own way.

Today he said somethings that infuriated me... One was that I let my drinking control me and that I am in denial.. the guy has no understanding of my addiction and never will. How the hell am I letting it control me considering I CHOOSE not to have a drink.??

I'm over him and any thing that he sees as friendship - I haven't lost he has.

He's studying psych and thinks that he knows it all when he really doesn't know anything... he's only in his first year a uni and feels he has the right to analyze me...

Sorry for the babble..

I have deleted him from my phone etc.. I'm not sad just angry that he was never the person that I thought he was... it's like he was waiting in the wings for my break-up/break down and just wanted to move in.

TheByzantine you are spot on in everything you said.. I just didn't want it to be true!

Thanks for reading this guys