He pushes me away when he shuts down. How should I handle this?

My boyfriend is going through a hard time right now. He told me that for the first time he has someone by his side to help get through things. We've been together for a year now. What I find frustrating is that he doesn't understand how it affects me when he shuts down when he's feeling overwhelmed and angry. Its a problem he's been dealing with for the last 3 years but for the first time we now have a sure plan to achieve the goal he wants to change his life. We're getting very close to having all the money to hire an attorney, we have support from his family and soon his life will change. I see that his life is a cup that is "half full" but he continues to see his life as a cup that is "half empty." I asked him why must he continue to see his life in such a negative way. I'm by his side helping him get through it but its not enough. He doesnt understand how it affects me when he continues to shut down. I've told him that when he shuts down he only pushes me away and I become frustrated because I feel I"m not doing enough for him. I told him that I don't mind helping him with things but still I need him to show me that I'm not going to take on all the heavy burden of things but when he shuts down I feel the pressure to take over. When I get frustrated I soon begin to get mad and start to yell. I'm not proud of myself when I do. Everyone deserves to get upset and overwhelmed but with him its a everyday thing as though he enjoys being the victim. Even when we get good news he won't accept it and still stay upset, depress, hopless, angry etc...

People please help? I'm lost with so many emotions and not sure how to handle this.

Hi dear,

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I used to feel, think and assume like you do now. But not any more.

I think your last sentence is very meaningful. You say you are lost with so many emotions. Maybe start by identifying each thought that leads to each emotion that leads to what kind of behaviour. That helped me.

Your guy is seeing the empty glass, does not accept happiness, drags you down with it, and waits for you to rescue him only to be able to discount that rescue and say 'told you so'. This is hard to accept but easier to name the game by its name rather then be lost in the muddle of codependency.

You cannot rescue him. You cannot save him from himself. Its painful for you and its confusing. Why should his anger be affecting you so badly?

Hello, Jenn1fer82. Would he consider seeing a therapist? Somehow he needs to realize his behavior is inconsiderate and shows no respect for you and your feelings.

Jennifer I feel the same way all the time.

My T says that when someone is depressed, this is how they act. The whole, him not responding and you getting frustrated/angry....that is the cycle that bothers me the most in my life. B/c its like, very frustrating to be ignored/invalidated. Then WE end up looking like the "bad guy" because somehow, it's worse to yell than to ignore someone.
It's maddening. I agree with everything tatyana said. You can't fix him...my T says that when you try to help someone and it's like pulling teeth every time and it drains you, eventually resentment will build up. And it's just the difference between wanting to spend your life trying to help someone be happy...or just being happy yourself, and letting them do whatever it is that they are going to do.
Ugh, so much easier said than done. ((((((jennifer))))))