Abandonment issues and breaking up

Hi,
I'm after some assistance with my current relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for approx 10 months now and it's fair to say that our relationship has had its ups and downs over this period.
I have a few issues of my own that I'm currently working through with a therapist, and have come to the realization that being in a relationship with any partner, let alone my current one, is not currently what I want or need in my life. The challenge I am facing is that my girlfriend has abandonment issues and ending the relationship is not as easy as it may seem.
In the past, she has undergone therapy to identify these abandonment issues and was quite upfront when we first started dating about this. At first I didn't really do any research into this or understand the implications of these abandonment, till the first time that I tried to walk out on the relationship (approx 4 months into it). The resulting reaction and hysteria that followed came as quite a shock to me because it certainly wasn't expected, and at the time I considered it totally irrational behavior.
However, now that I understand a little more about her abandonment issues, I can certainly sympathize with her and understand from her perspective what drives these reactions.
Since this time, I have probably tried to end the relationship a handful of times, each time resulting in a similar reaction. She gets hysterical, throws things around her apartment and the scariest part, threatens to harm herself which I obviously do not want her to do.
On each occasion, I have backed down and agreed to stay in the relationship, almost out of obligation to her because she has done a lot for me in the time that we've been together. However, I now understand that staying in the relationship for her sake and not mine is not going to do either of us any favors in the long run. I also shy away from conflict which makes this all the more difficult, because when we're in the full thrust of the discussion and things get heated (which they inevitably do), I just want to walk out and let things calm down which obviously makes things worse for her from an abandonment perspective.
For the most part, she is a reasonable person and acts accordingly, but when these feelings of abandonment surface, this tends to go out of the window as you would expect it to.
So I guess what I really need help with is how to end this relationship? It may seem pretty black and white to some, but for me it's not that simple because I do care for her a lot and really don't want to a) see anything bad happen to her, or b) deal with the resulting hysteria again. I'm also not only afraid of what she may do to herself, but there's also a fear of what she may do to me as well.
Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, damo4578. Is she receiving professional help? Are you receiving professional help. If you are, what does you therapist advise you? How long are you willing to be held hostage?

Damo4578, Im so sorry your having such a difficult time, Sounds like some serious stuff, Im not the best at relationship advice, but i will try. You asked about ending the relationship? Have you sat with her and discussed with her why its not working? You said that you can see that staying in this relationship is not good for either of your sake, that you have had many ups and downs? Maybe she sees these too? But is scared to admit theres a prob?Its noble of you because you care about her to try and do this gently,because if shes fragile, breaking up with someone is hard, so your doing the right thing. Im not sure theres a perfect way to break up with someone, esp if your worried she may harm herself or you ?Has she ever indicated that she would hurt herself or you? Does she still go to Therapy, Therapy may help her deal with the prospect of a breakup, I had a friend who was similiar and therapy really helped her after her bf and her broke up.Just try and let her down gently explaining that while you care for her, its better to end it now rather than prolong the fighting until it gets worse and any care you had for the other person turns bitter, Let her know you care about her, what happens to her, and that you want to stay her friend. Thats its better for you both in the long run, Because if you stay theway you are now, you will just be hurting each other and you dont want that.

You mention that you are currently seeing a therapist. I think that it might be helpful for you to bring this issue up with your own T. They should understand abandonment issues and be able to help you find a way to break up with your girlfriend in as gentle a way as possible. This might take a few sessions, though...

Also, have you thought about writing her a letter? I would try writing everything out, so that you make sure you get all your points across -- such as it not being healthy for either of you, your concern for her safety, wanting to do what is best for the both of you, etc. Perhaps you can take this to her and she could read it while you're still there. I want to suggest having an open discussion with her, but I feel like she's not much for discussing when she's feeling rejected or abandoned.

I would definitely ask your T for advice.

Good luck!
,
Ro

Thanks very much to each of you for your responses. They have definitely helped and I appreciate the support and kind words. I am seeing a therapist at the moment and discussed this with him in my most recent session. He was quite upfront in saying that there's no easy way out of this and that I just have to be gentle with her when I do it. At the same time, he said it's very important for me to get my life back and take control of it again.

I will post back when I've had the discussion with her to let you know how we're both getting on.

Good Luck Damo4578, I know its not easy, Stay strong

How are you doing, damo4578?

I can empathize with you. I think I'm in the same situation with a man!

Hi TheByzantine,
I'm going OK but certainly not great....thanks for asking. But the situation has not changed a great deal. I was actually tossing up what the best approach was to raise this with her and in the end I settled on being up front with her and just telling her exactly how I felt.
I think in the past when I have tried to raise this with her, it's often been at times when there has been a lot of excitement and anger on both our parts ie. in the middle of an arguement or at the end of a long week. But on this occasion, I was very calm and measured in my approach, and was very honest and upfront in telling her my reasons for doing it and that I cared for her greatly and was as reassuring as I could be, all the while delivering the message that I didn't want to continue the relationship.
Unfortunately, the net result was much the same as it has been in the past. She was calm at first, but it wasn't long before she started to get hysterical, then started using her abandonment issues as a reason why I couldn't leave. I understand that everyone has their triggers and buttons, and me walking out the door obviously triggers those for her. She feels abandoned and it all stems from her childhood where she was never allowed to feel good about herself and achieve anything.
In that moment, I'm very scared for both of us because I have no idea what she's going to do. I actually believe that she's not in control of what she's doing. But even when she calmed down and was talking more rationally, she still will not let go of me or the relationship. Even taking what I'm saying into consideration, she's arguing every point with me and telling me that what I'm thinking and feeling is wrong and that our relationship will stand the test of time. She's very committed....I'll give her that.
Net result was that it got to 3.30am in the morning and I had to be up at 7am the following morning so I agreed to try and work things out with her just to get some sleep. Sounds stupid, but I'm sure plenty of others have been there and done a similar thing.
I'm now at the point where I'm thinking the only approach that will work is to stop being nice about the whole situation and just walk out the door. As harsh as it sounds, its getting to the point where I can't see any other choice.

She is not giving you any other option.

Make the exit so slow that it doesn't feel like a break-up for either of you. People usually respond best to things they figure out for themselves, which gives them a sense of control, rather than having someone tell them they are doing something. Spend just a little less time on the phone, in person and closeness each week. You recognize that she is not whats best for you right now, thats good you see that, as that means your not whats best for her right now either, but you can still be a great support to her. It also doesn't mean you can't be a good friend to her over the longer term. Her getting some help with how she feels is critical though as it looks like you might do exactly what she fears most, just walk out. Can you stay around a little longer if she gets help and makes progress?

That is what already is going on and not working. My thought is that damo has been held hostage long enough.