Substitute Relationship

so lately I've been thinking that it sucks to spend so much time alone, but I have no real desire to actually pursue a relationship in real life. Don't get me wrong I think the opposite sex is great, but I just don't want to deal with the stress involved.

So I have been thinking that I could pursue one online, one that I know has no chance of success. But I feel bad cause I would only really be using this other person to fill a need in my life. I doubt I can really just pitch my idea to strangers and have it work out, not many people are able to look at a situation as objectively as I can. So I guess I would have to manipulate them. But in the end if the feelings are real should it matter? Granted it is setting up for disappointment down the road but that's not something I'm too worried about.

Does this make any sense? Or am I being naive in my thinking. I'd rather go about it this way then actually make any real commitment.

It makes sense to me. I agree pitching this to strangers wouldn't work. You can't (or shouldn't) ask a stranger "Wanna be my friend?" then hold hands and skip off into the sunset together. That rarely works - even with kids in a sandbox!

What you have to say here is upfront and honest. It takes time to find and develop a friendship that will lead into a relationship. I'm sure there are people out there like you who would like an online open friendship/relationship without any strings attached.

Good luck.

Hi Rob~

I think your chances of finding someone online for something casual (without commitment) are fairly good, so long as you're upfront and honest with your intentions. I think you just may be surprised how many people are out there who seek the same.

Shangrala

There are a lot of people out there like yourself. You have gotten exellent feedback about being upfront about what you want. Good luck!

chaosrob, I think you should get a pet.

lol I want a sugar squirrel but they are meant to be in pairs, other than that I do not wish to have the responsibility to care for another creature. Having an apathetic master is not something I would want to push on an animal, or another person for that matter.

There's people online looking for the same thing you are somewhere.

adultfriendfinder and Craigslist.. lol Full of people who just want sex without all the "relationship stuff".

absolutely do not mislead people about your intentions. you could really hurt someone by doing that. i'm sure there are sites for folks who only want open, casual relationships. just google it.

Um don't manipulate someone D;

You wouldn't want to be used as a pillow too would you?
I duno I am sensitive to these kinds of topics.... How about you find a hobby and make friends you can talk to and hang out with whenever : D?

How are you doing, chaosrob?

actually I am not looking for sex in any way at all, that is one thing I'd rather avoid to be honest.. I just want someone that enjoys spending time together doing the same things. I suppose I really am looking for a really good friend, but I don't know that I will find one.

I thought I had made it clear in my opening post. I am looking for a relationship that can not ever really work out romantically, but one nonetheless that I would be able to become attached to the person. eh it's hard to explain. I don't want to have to become too emotionally involved, if I know it has no chance of turning into anything real I can then be comfortable.

I suppose you have to be familiar with SPD to understand why I am saying this.

no, I am not looking for sex, just want to make sure that's clear

Rob, I think that would be a positive thing if you could develop a friendship on-line. Internet friends can be supportive.

What are you interests or hobbies? Do you like music? If you can find a friend with a similar interest that could be interesting.

the thing is it doesn't seem to matter, I talk to all these people but there is no connection there. I am unsure what I am doing wrong, I suppose that it's one thing to act like a friend and another thing to make the emotional commitment of being a friend. But I do not know how to go about actually developing a friendship, it is not an easy thing for me to do as I usually just follow whatever seems to be the most logical choice. I am not really anticipating being able to accomplish my goal in a timely manner. As it is I suppose I will keep doing what I am doing and see if by some sheer twist of luck I connect with another person.

Would you mind explaining what SPD is? Are you interested in a relationship IRL at all?

"Schizoid" Not to be confused with Schizophrenia or Schizotypal personality disorder.
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness. There is increased prevalence of the disorder in families with schizophrenia. SPD is not the same as schizophrenia, although they share some similar characteristics such as detachment or blunted affect.

"Patients with schizoid personality disorders consider themselves to be observers, rather than participants, in the world around them."

the majority of schizoids are not either oversensitive or cold, but they are oversensitive and cold “at the same time” in quite different relative proportions, with a tendency to move along these dimensions from one behavior to the other

Many fundamentally schizoid people present with an engaging, interactive personality style. Such a person can appear to be available, interested, engaged, and involved in interacting with others; however, in reality, he or she is emotionally withdrawn and sequestered in a safe place in an internal world.

The more that schizoids can rely on themselves, the less they have to rely on other people and expose themselves to the potential dangers and anxieties associated with that reliance or, even worse, dependence. The vast majority of schizoid individuals show an enormous capacity for self-sufficiency, for the ability to operate alone, independently and autonomously, in managing their worlds

Because of the tremendous investment made in the self — the need to be self-contained, self-sufficient, and self-reliant — there is inevitable interference in the desire and ability to feel another person’s experience, to be empathic and sensitive. Often these things seem secondary, a luxury that has to await securing one's own defensive, safe position. The subjective experience is one of loss of affect. For some patients, the loss of affect is present to such a degree that the insensitivity becomes manifest in the extreme as cynicism, callousness, or even cruelty. The patient appears to have no awareness of how his or her comments or actions affect and hurt other people. More frequently, the loss of affect is manifest within the patient as genuine confusion, a sense of something missing in his or her emotional life.

There is a very narrow range of schizoid individuals — the classic DSM-defined schizoid — for whom the hope of relationship is so minimal as to be almost extinct;
Depersonalization is a dissociative defense. Depersonalization is often described by the schizoid patient as a tuning out or a turning off, or as the experience of a separation between the observing and the participating ego. It is experienced by those with schizoid personality disorder when anxieties seem overwhelming. It is a more extreme form of loss of affect than that described earlier. Whereas the loss of affect is a more chronic state in schizoid personality disorder, depersonalization is an acute defense against more immediate experiences of overwhelming anxiety or danger

One person with SPD commented that he could not fully enjoy the life he has because he felt that he is living in a shell. Furthermore, he noted that his inability distressed his wife.

Because of their lack of communication with other people, those who are diagnosed with SPD are not able to have a reflection of themselves and how well they get along with others. The reflection is important so they can be more aware of themselves and their own actions in social surroundings. Laing suggests that without being enriched by injections of interpersonal reality there occurs an impoverishment in which one's self-image becomes more and more empty and volatilized, leading the individual himself to feel unreal.

Under stress, some people with schizoid personality features may occasionally experience instances of brief pyschosis (loss of contact with reality) Fantasy is also relationship with the world and with others by proxy. It is a substitute relationship, but a relationship nonetheless, characterized by idealized, defensive, and compensatory mechanisms. It is an expression of the self-in-exile because it is self-contained and free from the dangers and anxieties associated with emotional connection to real persons and situations. Fantasy permits schizoid patients to feel connected, and yet still free from the imprisonment in relationships. In short, in fantasy one can be attached (to internal objects) and still be free.

SPD is rare compared with other personality disorders. Its prevalence is estimated at less than 1% of the general population. but there is a discrepancy as people with this disorder are not likely to seek treatment.





Honestly I don't know about real life relationships. I don't have any strong desires to make any connections. People are so self absorbed I just don't know if I care enough to be the one to make the effort. I'd rather just go with the flow I guess

Eh, I can sort of relate to some of that...but I don't have the disorder.

I don't understand what you're looking for. Why does it have to be the opposite sex? Overall, it just sounds like you want a friend. What do you mean by "attached' to the person? Someone you can call when you're upset or bored and want to go do something?


I think you're just over thinking it. It's easier to go out and pick up someone to date. You can go to a bar or a club and pick up a date but you can't go to a bar or club and come home with a friend. A good friendship takes time to build. Even people with many friends don't have that one "best friend".

I think you just need to find someone you click with and have things in common with. You don't need to manipulate someone into being your friend. "Schizoid" is not a good excuse for it. Manipulating someone makes you an asshole.
I haven't made a real life friend since Jr. High. Years after highschool, I didn't become "friends" with anyone until I got to know a few people online. Some weren't even real "friends", they were just people I met who had similar interests.. like On Craigslist I responded to an ad for a walking partner and we used to meet at the park and walk and talk about basically nothing. We didn't have all that much in common except that and we still had fun and got along well.

My thought is your idea of not being alone is to engage people in a game of manipulation for your amusement.

ok well I dunno, lets just say I'm tired of people asking me how I'm doing. I mean my life has finally come together so you think that would be enough but they expect me to be excited too. I don't know, I came across an old classmate online. This is probably going to sound stupid but I'd like some feedback on it.

Ok so she is 2 years younger than me and she has a daughter, now from what I can perceive she's had it pretty rough, guys using her and dumping her.. And that sucks. So what if I were to become friends with her, and just create a symbiotic relationship with her and her daughter. It could be mutually beneficial for us and it might provide some stability for her daughter. It'd get people off my back about getting involved with someone. Somehow I doubt I can bring it up like that though. Why can't people just be rational about things? Why not do what is mutually beneficial? Would it really be wrong to manipulate the situation if everyone ends up being happy? well.. I doubt I'll pursue it anyways. Even that much interaction would end up becoming a nuisance.

wow. just..wow.

So you want a fake relationship so "people" will think you have a girlfriend and have a life and happy and excited? Wow. Insecure much?

So instead of using her for sex, you want to use her to make your family think you have a girlfriend? You're going to use her for socializing.

So now you're going to develop a fake relationship with a child. Her daughter doesn't need your kind of "stability". Plus, you only want to be her friend and not her boyfriend. She could be friends with you and continue dating and being dumped by guys..so her child will still be unstable. Plus, who are you to judge her child's stability anyway? That kid might have it more stable than you think. Maybe the men aren't brought around the child and introduced as newdaddys.

Yep, great reason to get involved in a way with someone..to prove yourself to other people. Can you be anymore insecure?


Yes, because you're not considering the other person's feelings. All you care about is yourself and your image.

What happens if you manipulate this woman so well she ends up developing feelings for you and wants more than just this weird friendship you're looking for? What happens to this child who might have fun with you, eventually look up to as a father figure and you end up ending it? What are you going to tell the woman when she tries to have sex with you? "Sorry, just hung out with you so my parents would think I had a gf, I hate sex" LOL. Everyone doesn't end up happy here. Only you end up happy in your little game.

Why don't you just hire an escort? That way your family or "people" you speak of will think you have a girlfriend and you're not manipulating anyone. You're just paying for someone to pretend to be your friend/gf so people will get off your back.

god can you be any more emotional?

look if you look at it rationally it's not like I would be treating them poorly. And as far as most regular relationships go I hate to break it to you but there is a real lack of decent parentship going on out there, I'd probably do a better job then half the assholes out there who think they are in love and then take out all their frustration on the kids when **** doesn't go their way.

It's not just me I am caring about here. I would also get to be a part of a relationship that didn't put too much demand on me emotionally. Maybe that sounds stupid to you but considering how much ******** I see other families go through I think you need to challenge your preconceptions a little better before you go judging other people.

Seriously the worlds already ****ed up, and I know I could do a better job than most the people out there raising a child. So what if I am a little emotionally distant, better than being emotionally abusive or unstable. I get along great with kids, they don't lie to themselves as much as adults do.'

Your input has been noted, it's also been noted that you have no idea how life actually works, so please don't bother posting in this thread again.

The only difference between me and most people is I know what I am doing and I don't try to lie to myself about it.

i'm not a sociopath either, at least I don't think I am, but who knows anymore right

Nothing wrong with having a high opinion of yourself. Just have the guts to let your victims know the trail leads to a dead-end.

HOLY!
Just who are you to cast judgement upon him?
I think you may have misunderstood alot of what Rob was saying. (Didn't you read his inclusion of the description of SPD???). Sheesh.
And even if you didn't misunderstand, (which would make your response even more inappropriate), it really isn't necessary to attack him by bringing out your opinion of him with such little understanding of who Rob is.
There is no need for judgement. Period.

(This is a prime example of "Everyone is entitled to their opinion, so long as they keep it to themselves"). Grrr.

You know...Sometimes, it's hard enough to want to talk about what bothers us most, but to actually express it for all to see THEN be attacked and judged for expressing it is SO uncalled for.

This is a community where we are ALL free to express ourselves SAFELY. Please, keep your judgement to yourself.

I think you owe Rob a sincere apology.

Shangrala

Rob~
I don't think it's a matter of you doing anything "wrong". There really isn't any right or wrong. I think you're much more accurate in thinking it's all a matter of timing....to find the right person with whom you simply "click" with, (whether it's something casual, or more intimate...don't really matter).

I don't think you should focus on the actual development of said friendship. Be receptive of it. Allow it to happen. Don't deny it when it does present itself. Patience and acceptance is a key as well as the allowance of it's direction. If you limit yourself to a specific destination toward what or how you think it "should be", then you only limit yourself and confine yourself to what is minimal.
Just be yourself...if it's meant to happen, (with that specific someone), then it WILL happen so long as you are receptive, honest and communicate.
And considering your SPD, yes, it will require a special someone who is capable of being understanding and supportive. However, that does not mean finding that person is impossible. You've said it yourself, it's a matter of timing, (and I soooo agree).



Shangrala

Since I'm the one who asked ChaosRob for a definition - I want to say thanks for giving a great and understandable description of SPD. I understand exactly where you're coming from and I don't think it's fair to blame you for how you are and the fact you're limited in a so called 'normal relationship'.

If I were you, I wouldn't care what others think, as to why you don't have a special someone. If you do want to be involved with a woman, I think it would be fair to be upfront with your limitations, at the right time so you don't mislead anyone. I would concentrate on being friends 1st and if she's seems interested, you could educate her about SPD. I'm sure there is a nice person who would be willing to accept you as you are. I think it's important to become friends and when you're comfortable then explain.

In regards to the friend you were talking about I understand the practicality of what you have to offer her, but it's important to be upfront. Your intentions should be for yourself/her and not just to satisfy others judgment of you. Are you lonely and just want a friend?

There are all kinds of people in this world and as my mom used to say - "for every pot, there a cover". Don't think how others perceive you and do this for yourself and be honest with what you can offer. I have heard of SPD before I just wasn't familiar with the short form. You're an okay guy as far I've seen from your posts.

In view of the SPD and your other comments, how do you intend to make a positive difference in the lives of your classmate and her daughter?