Substitute Relationship

Well first off I am a rather honest person. While I may not make strong emotional connections I don't usually go around berating people either. Also I tend to connect really well with children as they have not been corrupted by the reality of life, and are not entirely consumed with only themselves. It's true that they live mostly in their own worlds but it is out of innocence that they do this. Adults do it out of selfishness and callousness. On top of this adults lie to other people, and if that wasn't bad enough they lie to themselves so much and don't even recognize when they are doing it.

I could provide a friendship to this lady and her daughter, create something like a surrogate family, and at least do what I can to take care of their financial needs. I am not talking about making this woman fall in love with me, I have no desire to get emotionally attached, but I don't see a problem being the guy who is just there, that people just see as having always been there. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

The child is already 6 and has seen many men come and go from her mothers life, and is at an age where she notices these things. Even if I don't fill the role as father I may provide some form of stability as a male figure in her life. It may sound cold to talk about it this way but I do have the girls best intentions in mind.

I have already begun to talk to her about my views, and about my cynicism. I don't plan on manipulating her if I can help it. I think if I just am honest and approach the situation slowly I may be able to establish a friendship without any real attachments, and hopefully can create a surrogate family without anyone really noticing.

At least this is how I have planned it in my head. I am unsure as there are many factors to take into consideration, and I know it trifling with matters of the heart is not something to be taken lightly. Still if I do nothing at all then I feel that would be worse than trying and failing.

Either way, I have several goals now to make myself a more interactive member of the community. Whether or not they will pan out is yet to be seen but I believe as long as I can keep my wits about me I should be successful in at least one of them.

Believe me when I say I have no intentions of harming anyone emotionally, especially a child. If I honestly think that my presence will be of a disruptive nature in any way I will remove myself from the situation. I have no desire to drag other people down with me should I stumble again.

thanks for the replies, I appreciate the different views on the matter and am glad I brought it up. I was unsure whether anyone would have an open mind at all and it pleases me to see that some people do. Thanks again

You have thought this through and broached the subject with your classmate. You do not in my view appear to be a typical SPD. If you can make a difference in the lives of you friend and her daughter while enjoying the friendship, I wish you the best.

Thanks for the honest explanation Rob. This is off topic a bit but it does relate to the practicality of a relationship. I've been married for 25 years but we had a major fallout 3 yrs ago - it's a long story but it involves his infidelity. He doesn't want a divorce but still is in the other relationship - of course I hate it. We live in a nice house and if I were to insist on divorce the assets would be split, plus we went through bankruptcy 6 months ago - there's no possibility of buying a smaller house. So I'm kind of stuck.

One positive thing is we have remained civil and respectful for ourselves and the kids sake. If we split we'll both have to rent and live in poverty - the kids would suffer financially and wouldn't see their father as much. So for now, we're taking the PRACTICALITY road - I understand what you're saying about that. Not all relationships are like prince charming and the princess where they're madly in love.

So for now I'm accepting the best circumstance available for me and my girls. Yes if I won the lottery I would buy my own house and officially divorce, but I would still be on good terms for my childrens sake. I don't think you're a bad person and your intentions seem honest. If you like someone - do you feel attached to them? Would you feel sadness if it didn't work out? Good luck Rob.

I think you're a bit naive as you speak of both "if the feelings are real" and manipulating others to think/feel or yourself to think/feel after you've set definite limits on what you're willing to think/feel.

To be and feel loved, you have to be capable of loving. One cannot manipulate feelings. If I love/like/care for you, it's "Me" doing the loving, liking, and caring, and that's 100% because of who I am, not who you represent yourself to be. Likewise, what you get out of a relationship with me, doesn't have as much to do with me as it does which you! For what you think would be a satisfactory relationship for you; you'd either have to find someone "like" you describe yourself (which doesn't sound very fulfulling to me, to be on the receiving end) or, you have to find someone who could be manipulated by you, and that sort of person doesn't sound very fulfulling either?

@PErna Manipulating other people and their emotions is amazingly easy. It is easy to act like whoever a person wants me to be when I am not influenced by my own emotions. People do this on a daily basis wearing masks for all different occasions. If you are unaware of this then it is you who is naive.

@lynn, I can become attached to people but it's usually after I create some form of fantasy where I picture them as being better than they actually are. Most people do this all the time in the beginning of a relationship, Infatuation blinds us to the tiny flaws that people normally have. I am not immune to this but it takes me much more time and effort to allow myself to reach this phase. I have had many crushes in the past, but even when I feel that way I am well aware it is nothing more than chemical reactions. I do not delude myself into thinking there is something magical about any one person. I believe all relationships require a certain amount of work. It's been 7 years since my last relationship with a female. I was certainly crushed when it failed.

@TB, thanks, I am still unsure because I do not want to give her the wrong impression, and even when you enter something like this with full knowledge of what you want emotions can run wild and destroy the best intentions.

Either way I have decided to meet with her later this afternoon. It's still possible that I may find this level of interaction to be too much of a nuisance to try to pursue such a thing. Really I don't know and I am only human, I am not always in complete control of my emotions.

I agree with your analysis of what happens when 2 people meet and there's fireworks. I think it's chemical and a natural biological response. It can blind people from seeing whether they will be truly compatible which again brings up 'practicality'. This is why there are so many divorces and failed relationships because the biological phase dies down and then they see they have no nothing in common. Good luck with your meeting.

I have not read every post so sorry if others have said what I am about to.

I would recommend that you start out slowly. At first just look for someone or a small group that you can have good, honest and open conversations with. As you find greater comfort with a group you will also eventually find someone who connects with you, knows you well enough to not be deterred by your difficulties and truly likes you for who you are, not who they think you are.

I found that I had to reenter social life slowly after my wife died. It took years to build back up to being able to have another romantic relationship. I will also be honest about that, I have not always been the "boyfriend" that I want to be. It has been a bit of a struggle but she knows of my difficulties and is excepting of that. We have taken things slowly, gradually increasing to higher levels of emotional and physical intimacy.

It is a long process but if you try to rush things you really are only going to end up with more stress, more frustration and a failed relationship. Such a thing will do nothing more than hurt you and the person that you wish to spend time with.

where does one go to meet people besides a bar anymore though? there aren't many places in my area where people my age tend to congregate. And while I am not really picky about age I don't want to be "that guy" who dates someone 10 years younger than him when he's not quite 30 yet, I think I'll save that for when I'm in my 50's and having another mid-life crisis. lol

Well honestly a bar isn't the best place to go to meet someone.

The best place to go is a place that deals with your interests. The reason why this is good is because the people you will meet there are people who share your interest.

Sometimes the best relationships come from meeting someone when you least expect it. My own experience in meeting an ex girlfriend (the relationship went well but our life went different directions), my wife (she passed away a few years ago) and now my present girlfriend, are all examples of meeting someone in situations where it isn't expected and having things go well.

Many people meet their spouses through school or work, makes sense, people with a similar interest in a place where you happen to spend a lot of time.

I would say that the best thing you can do is just go out to places where you will have fun, don't try too hard for a relationship but don't avoid one either. Just meet people, see who sort of "fits" with you and let things go from there. You will probably make a few friends and who knows, you might find that special someone along the way. Meanwhile you won't spend as much time stressing about it, you will be happier because you are spending more time in a place you like making new friends, and your less likely to rush into a relationship only to find out that it was a mistake.

Just wondering, but....who says she has to be 10 years younger? Even more so, why younger at all? Who's to say that a woman a bit older just may offer exactly what you could benefit from? Unless, of course, you are simply not into that whatsoever, (the older scene, that is), which is perfectly fine...

Just a thought...

Shangrala

I would be shocked if a day went by where a women would say something other than, "Well, he may be interesting at times but why bother with a wacko?".

in my city there is not a whole lot for the older generation to do, I had already considered the idea of an older partner but the only women that I ever see anywhere I either married or in their teens. I do not have many interests, I do go to school but it's a rather small university and while there are some females there they are all generally married or again in their teens. I think what happens most often in these circumstances is people generally meet others through friends. Or at least that is how it used to be. But at the moment I have no one that I associate with outside of my classes. So I could hang around best buy and try to pick up chicks who are interested in computers, as that is my primary interest. I do not think that they would like me hanging around their store in such a fashion lol.

My other plan for the summer is to use my sister who is a couple years older as she has friends, so maybe I can "steal" some of her friends and use it as a means to integrate myself back into some type of social circle. A job would be a good place to make friends, but I am in no real rush to give up my carefree lifestyle. I figure I'm in so much debt already that while I could work towards paying it off now there is little hope of me ever really being debt free. So while I am still able to borrow money I intend to enjoy what I consider to be my retirement ahead of time. Then I'll probably work until I die. at least this way I am sure to get one

lol tb, I am not usually this blunt in my communications with others in real life. I tend to exercise restraint otherwise I would find myself in many uncomfortable situations

don't know if anyone remembers me, but I thought I'd \give an update as to my goals and what not.

So everything has proceeded as I expected. I think I may be happy, it's rather hard to tell. Sometimes I worry myself because it just feels like people are so easy to manipulate, like they are all a bunch of puppets.

Still I am telling myself that I am doing what I am doing for the right reasons. I have grown rather close to my new surrogate family. I really think I am having a positive influence on their lives. I'm a little worried about the mother of the child, she's not as emotionally stable as I would prefer but I think it'll be easy enough to control the situation. I'm glad I decided to pursue this. I ended up in the hospital due to heart problems, nothing to serious but being 27 it doesn't really bode well... Trying to enjoy life while it's here and have been trying to make others lives easier as well..

But why do I feel like I have a hidden agenda... I wonder if I will ever learn to trust myself.. but of course.. maybe I shouldn't be trusted

Hello, Rob. I wish you well.