What IS fair?

This is a question pertaining to money. I sort of already know the answer to this, (but you know how sometimes it's helpful to be reassured of what's right and wrong).

There's just the 3 of us. Hub, myself & daughter.
He earns close to 100K a year. So, we aren't exactly struggling financially, really.
My beef is how he whines and moans about EVERY little cent spent, (and I do not spend needlessly). We have no major overhead, other than monthly rent...(we do not own), and the usual monthly bills, nothing excessive.
Even though daughter is a teen, she does not request what alot of teen girls usually nag for....so I do make certain that the few things she does ask for is provided, so long as they are earned, of course.

And with our ages ...getting "up there", of course more med issues will be requiring attendance..meaning $$ spent. What is frustrating about this, especially is how we have insurance...almost complete, full coverage medical and dental, (optical there is a co-pay), so any money isn't coming out of the pocket, really....Yet, since I've been needing some optical attending lately, (eye issue), he's been *****ing how I'm such a financial burden to him. Sigh.

I've taken it upon self to remove money out of "his" bank account (which he "allows" me to have full access to...go figure), and place into "my" account so that I do not have to nickle n dime him for spending on the usual...(which is groceries, and gas...blah blah). I use what's in my acct to spend on daughter's needs...so he isn't "bothered" by it...(and so I don't have to hear his *****ing).
He tells me that it isn't right that I remove from one acct n place into another. I feel it perfectly alright because of his analistic tendancies, (it prevents further discrepencies between us).

We just finished filing "our" taxes.....and "he" is getting back almost 10K.
My signature was required to have our taxes filed, yet it's "his" money.
Sigh.

Blah. This gets old.....lol. Guess I'm just ranting....

Shangrala

I'd be upset too! He may make most of the money, but marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you take care of everything at home. Does he pay you for this? After all, a full-time live-in housekeeper, nanny and cook is not free. Also, when was the last time he went to the store and saw what the prices are? Perhaps, if he thinks you spend too much, he should try to do it himself and see how much he spends. I know that if I sent my hubby to the store, he'd come home having spent much more than I would AND we wouldn't have enough food to last the week. I'm sure we'd have some steak and chips though...lol.

This is not just a question of money - it's a question of value... does he not value what you offer to the partnership? Perhaps he needs to be reminded.

It sounds like you have a communications/personality stuggle rather than a money issue. I think a lot/most couples have discussions/disagreements about money.

My husband and I just have one account but two credit cards (different ones in case one person's gets a problem when we're out/on vacation, we can use the other until the problem is solved) and we get into disagreements as to how much money we each spend on the credit cards.

In the past, when we were both working (we're both retired) if I wanted to spend more on something and he objected (at our last jobs he earned 7+ times as much as I did), we'd discuss our views about the importance of the item to each of us and if it was something I wanted and we couldn't quite agree, then usually I'd either adjust my spending elsewhere (buy fewer books :-) for a certain period of time or, if I wasn't working, I'd go get a job that made at least enough to cover the expense (my therapy out-of-pocket). Sometimes I would just have to agree within myself that it was "okay" to make him unhappy; I'd choose between the pain/uncomfortableness of his unhappiness/complaining and getting/not getting what I wanted.

In all the discussions on money that my husband and I have had in the last 25 years, I've come to understand that he has some cognitive/emotional issues and does not see my point of view, though I see/get his. I have decided that it's up to me to "balance" the disagreements, to use my good judgment (which he has publicly stated I have :-) to be the "referee" as well as one of the parties spending the money. Hence, the acceptance that X is going to be bought even though it makes him unhappy.

My husband loves me and has, unfortunately for him :-) said that he cannot deny me anything it is in his power to give me that I really want. When I was starting therapy again, an $800 a month out-of-pocket expense he was unhappy about, I totalled up for myself how much I had spent so far in my live on therapy and got a figure like $50,000+ and only half-jokingly asked him if he would spend $100,000 on me to make me "happy"/healthier/feel better and he instantly replied he'd spend every last penny he had if it would help me. The intensity/feeling behind his reply almost did me in :-) To solve that expense problem though, I got a full-time job to pay for my therapy.

Become happy with your own values and how you spend money. It doesn't sound like, as you say, you are bankrupting the family or spending money unwisely. Accept that and do your own thing. It can hurt and be difficult but it can be very freeing to know your own path and follow it; you don't have to "take it personally" when he complains. His complaints are about his feelings about money (and, probably, "control"). Do what you can to feel good about yourself and try to present what you are thinking and doing clearly, without apology, and discuss feelings rather than the actual money/what it was spent for. It's my experience that marriage money/time/etc. require ongoing conversation, kind of like therapy :-)

honesty...I think that 10k tax return belongs to you and your daughter....your hub can't have it if you guys are not codependent....I had to pay taxes because I don't have any deponents to claim....so sad

He whines his usual routine of moans n *****es..."everything costs "him" money and he never gets to spend any of it".

Well, news flash....I repeatedly remind him that he has every reason and right, (and capability & resources) to go out and buy himself whatever he wanted. After all..he works hard for "his" money...why not treat self to something?
Nah...he'd rather stick to his routine..."I work hard for a living"..blah blah.

I've concluded that he's a compulsive complainer...almost as though he enjoys to feel miserable. Well, that's all find & dandy, so long as his misery isn't constantly seeking my company, (and it does).
So, I do my best to tune that out.
I've told him that he's entitled to his misery...so long as it remains his own, then we won't have a problem.
(His misery is about the only thing he's willing to GIVE to me in abundance)..that's "almost" funny, if it wasn't such a reality.

Thanks for your replies.

Shangrala

Our greatest lack is not money for any undertaking, but rather ideas, If the ideas are good, cash will somehow flow to where it is needed. ~Robert H. Schuller

This sounds like more of a communication issue rather than a money issue. You don't like that he is so concerned about it, and he doesn't like that you aren't as concerned about it. And neither one is making a compromise.

I'm in almost the exact opposite situation. My bf makes almost double what I do. He is used to living at a higher standard than me. For the first time in my life, I'm totally broke. So I sat down and looked at the bills and realized...I am paying half of things that I don't even want! HE wants the HD Directv and HE keeps the lights on all the time, HE wants to go out all the time and HE likes to have the fastest internet EVER. When did I say I wanted any of that?! I am a very simplistic person. If it doesn't have a purpose - I don't want it. So I finally blew up and said that if he wants to keep all this fancy crap then he has to start giving me more than 1/2 of utilities. And I think that is fair. Just the simple fact that he took it into consideration and realized my concern made me not even care anymore and I still pay 1/2. I just wanted him to hear me out and actually care what I was saying.

Maybe if you acknowledge your husband's concern, he won't ***** so much when it is time to spend money. I feel like he probably just feels ignored, but so do you. You both want to be heard but you wont stop and listen to each other.

I just went back and read one of your other replies and I feel like I can't help but think that you both complain a lot. I really mean no offense what so ever. But I realize myself doing the same thing. I will sit there and ***** at my boyfriend for *****ing....... how does it help a situation to complain about someone complaining? Just a thought. Not trying to down you or anything.

Shangrala, hope this dispute has been resolved.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...e_divorce.html

I, too, can do without the extensive humpty-million cable channels, his huge *** HD tv in his bedroom, (whatever happened to the "good' tv in the livingroom that daughter and I watch and are perfectly happy with). There's nothing wrong with wanting better...I don't care if he gets what he wants, I don't care if he spend a bit "too much" on what he wants....if ONLY he'd do that without making it appear as though it's such a big deal...(spending money at all).
I encourage him TO spend money on the things he repeatedly says he'd like to have, but...."it costs money"...(well, duh).
I honestly do not think I'm the one with the communication problem between us. I've tried every angle possible to accommodate his complaints to where they were attended, but to no avail.
I do not spend money needlessly. I'm practical and can budget well.
He complains there's no food in house, so I go out and grocery shop (and I pay close attention to HOW I shop so to prevent unnecessary spending...MY choice), but then he responds with that I'm STILL spending too much....but this time on groceries.
I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

I don't think it boils down to communication problems, (as I've tried to encourage him TO communicate)...and I DO listen, though not so much anymore, but that's cuz he's burnt me out...since I can't get any progress with him, anyway.

If it isn't the money, it's my behavior. If it isn't my behavior, it's someone else posing a prob for him. If there's nothing disruptive going on, he'll make a verbal comment TO create ....something. It's how it is. It's how he is.
I've done what I can, and I still do....try, but I don't find myself investing like I used to....already full aware of the outcome.

And yeah, I find myself complaining because of his complaining. But anymore, (with him), I just tell him...."Okay. You're right".
When it comes time to attend to any of our needs which require money spent, I let him know in advance that I will be spending "X" amount on this or that, (with hopes that he'd feel included and, at least, respected by me for including him). That works and he's fine with it. I have his approval and acknowledgement that he is fine with it.....until he spends time on "thinking" about money being spent. Then, again, all hell breaks loose...and of course, I'm the one who hears it.
Blah blah....and so it repeats....lol. I sound like a freaking whiner here...but that's not the case. It just seems that way in THIS particular situation.

I think I should just shaddup anymore....lmao.

Shangrala

Gawd, Byz..You know...I wish it could be resolved.
There is something about this man which resides deep within him...a sense of misery that I've stopped trying to help to resolve. It's almost as though he's hell bent on being miserable...and that is very exhausting. I've already spent too much of myself on trying to help him out of it. He wants to remain where he's at...so be it, but I want to progress with myself without his dead weights of misery tugging at me.
It's sad. And will end unfavorably. It's just a matter of time.
In the meantime...I'll try not to express any further mention of it...as I know how whiny I may sound. Eww.

I wasnt trying to offend you, Shangrala. Im simply saying that communication is a two-way street and when it comes to that, it is hardly ever only one persons fault. While I may not agree with some of the ways my bf chooses to communicate, it is still on me to look at what I am doing to not understand him. Just like it is on him to figure out why he cant get through or understand what you are saying. I would suggest some counseling to get back to the basics of what you are both really trying to say here because it doesnt sound like money is the true issue. And if he really is just an overall negative person then maybe you need to ask yourself if you still want to work on it.

I know you weren't intending to offend (you clearly stated that in the opening of your reply).

All's good.....

Shangrala

I make the larger portion of the money and my wife spends it. Actually, I don't care how much she spends or keeps for herself as long as I have gas for my truck and a few bucks in my wallet. When she was working it was the same way and it will be until the day we part. I love her, she can spend all my money because she was with me when we were broke, homeless and hungry.

37 years