[Gleak]

I'm getting married on May 15th!! I'm very excited and buzzing around trying to get things done and set for the big day.

About a month ago, the woman i'm set to marry, my fiancee, is sitting on the couch on her laptop when I got home from work. She said she met a friend from the same city where we live and she seemed so excited.

She told me a bit about this person. He's a bar go-er, basically. He owns a taxi service in town i'm told and spends most of his free evenings at local pubs.

A few days after the initial online meeting of her new friend, I come home from work again and she's on the laptop, chatting it up w/him. She asks if I would like to go out and meet him with her. I figure, hey.. why not. Could be fun! So I agreed.

I asked if I could chat w/him and she agreed, and let him know I was taking over the keyboard to say whats up. When I type to him and say hey, what's up.. I read "ice cubes can be fun in the bedroom" coming straight from him.

That was intended for my fiancees eyes, not mine. So I asked her if i could read what else they've been talking about. She agreed

My fiancee asked him what types of qualities he looks for in a woman.

-- This triggered a red flag. Only, I thought, someone on the search would ask this type of question.

He answered & asked what type of man she was into. They talked about other misc. things mostly laced with a touch of sexual banter tossed in.

They also had exchanged phtos & arranged a meeting already at his favorite local pub. The picture she sent to him was of her and I next to each other if that makes a difference.

Regardless, I typed to him that I was curious why he was talking to my fiancee about her sexual interests, etc. Of course, he said "IDK" which is short for I don't know.

I let my fiancee know that it made me uncomfortable for those types of conversations to be had. She said all guys talk sex and it's not her fault. Well, the way I see it, she didn't say no to it and kind of added fuel to the fire.

We recently had a discussion and it ended with me being labeled as jealous, but still in a "safe" manner.

Now, because I dislike other men talking SEX w/my very soon to be WIFE, I am jealous. A "Safe" jealous, but jealous, nonetheless. She mentioned I was trying to prevent her from having friends of the opposite sex.

In my opinion, a person in a committed relationship talks sex w/their significant other, not some guy/girl they meet online who lives like 15 minutes away that they've known for 3 days and had several few hour long conversations.

Does this make me a jealous person? I really don't like that label and I protest it. I sincerely don't think I was in the wrong by expressing my discomfort to the situation.

She still talks to him, once a week she says.

[NuckingFutz]

I see what you see. Totally inappropriate. She may not see it that way. Red flags...especially where she says she only talks to him once a week. I would watch this situation carefully. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[Phoenix1985]

Totally inappropriate. I'd hit the roof if I caught my partner having a conversation like that with a chick.

hope you can sort it out ((((Gleak)))).

[Belle1979]

More than inappropriate I'd say... When I am in a realtionship I don't discuss sex with anyone but my partner... the odd 'flirty' comment perhaps with male friends but not indepth discussion such as what they are looking for in a partner and what they like the bedroom.
I'd be jealous too - you are not in the wrong IMO.

Hello, Gleak. Did you go out and meet this casanova?

[Shangrala]

Some definitions of jealous/jealousy:

~Protective of one’s rights or possessions
~Inclined to suspect rivalry
~Vigilant in guarding something
~Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity

I think you have every right to feel what you're feeling. Her behavior is inappropriate.
Harmless flirting is one thing, but to go as far as to include discussions of sex, (no matter about what), is taking it too far.
Perhaps, if you were to discuss your reasons for feeling as you are, (maybe attempt to guide her to view her behavior in role reversal...?).

Jealousy is a natural emotion, however, as it sounds in your case, you don't sound as though you are the "jealous type", (meaning suspicious and actually creating issues due to your inability to trust?, which can lead to possessiveness/obsessiveness...etc). This doesn't sound like you. You are more than willing to be receptive and to actually meet this new guy friend of hers, (pretty accepting of you, if you ask me).

I'd definitely go through with meeting this guy and see where that goes.

I sure hope this works out for the both of you.


Shangrala

[NuckingFutz]

You know, this needs to be nipped in the bud NOW In order for the wedding to continue. This puts you in a very tough place that you did not cause or create. Has she done anything like this before? Sounds like she does not share your values when it comes to fidelity and the guy has no respect for your relationship. "I don't know" is a careless, thoughtless and cruel response knowing you 2 are about to marry. And her projecting her wrong doings on to you is backwards. It cuts off the possibility of continuing the dialog in order to fix the problem. I know marriage vows to one another are the core of a marriage working out. Maybe you 2 can go over them before the ceremony to make sure you are on the same page. with the information you have shared, this is the only solution I have to offer you. Keep posting. We really do want to help.

[Perna]

For me, other grown people can talk about whatever they wish to talk about! If your fiance is talking about her sexual preferences, that's her business; if she is talking about your sexual preferences, that is not her business.

If you do not like what your fiance talks to someone else about (presuming she shares it with you) or her behavior, then perhaps she isn't the woman you "can" get yourself to marry. Presumably if she talked about subjects you did not like or which you found in poor taste or were boring to you, etc. you wouldn't have been attracted to her and dated her/asked her to marry you. But her expression of her self, her likes and dislikes, whether they be sexual or anything else, is who she "is". That does not make her (or him) "bad" or cheaters or anything else. I would consider, that she is sharing all of her information with you, wanting you to meet her new friend, wanting you to like him too, etc. This tells you about her.

My husband and I had a couple who we were friends with and the guy was a working man and liked dirty jokes. My husband and I don't particularly care for them but we didn't take his telling dirty jokes personally! That was about him and, otherwise, we enjoyed being with him.

Your fiance has a lot to her. Some of it you probably don't know yet, because you haven't been married to her 20 years :-) That's part of what marriage is all about, getting to know the other person.

But she is your equal and can be interested in whomever she likes, and be friends with whomever she likes. She'd like you to be friends with this person too but it does not sound like he's your kind of guy (to put it mildly :-) But their friendship is not your problem. Knowing she likes this guy and likes occasionally talking about sex, etc. and whether you want to be with someone who likes those things, is your problem. She doesn't like/love you less, because she likes being friends with this guy. I wouldn't necessarily call you "jealous" (unless you do not trust your fiance and/or are insecure in your own sense of self that you are afraid this new friend could win your fiance away from you).

But I'm glad your told your fiance that her talking to the guy made you uncomfortable. It sounds like you both have a fairly good start on good communications. I would continue talking with her about this, tell her that you are afraid for the relationship because of your discomfort. I think if she were not so forthcoming with information about her talks with him and showing you everything and wanting you to meet him and become friends with him that then you would be in a different, more worrisome position of wondering if you could trust her but, from what you've said, I would trust her because of her transparency. However, to me, it sounds like you really don't like this guy and may be afraid that some how he could win her away from you? Or someone else talking about sex "embarrasses"/"worries" you? I don't think "all guys" talk about sex (like your fiance seems to think) but I think that may be coming from her experience (which makes me think she's not very old/experienced/hasn't been around that many men in different social situations) and maybe you can talk to her about that image she has of guys and how, if it is her experience, it makes you unhappy (since it's not true and there's lots more to guys than just sex)?

So it seems the man can look in his little black book and decide he would like to catch up on paramour's love life and maybe meet sometime for a drink -- since he can be interested in whomever he likes. And his lady has no reason to be concerned and in fact it is none of her business.

A rather novel concept.

That doesnt make you jealous, it makes you normal. You love her and it seems as if she's not totally ready to be married to you if she's still casually chatting up guys, asking relationship questions. Listen to your intuition, it's not just for women anymore . =)

[salukigirl]

At first I was thinking that I have asked other guys what they like so that I could take that home to MY boyfriend, just to get some ideas. But then I read on and that is really inappropriate. Guys have talked that way to me before and I have flat out said "you make it really difficult to justify being friends with you" and leave it at that. If they continue the talk after that then I just quit talking to them. The only time I would ever see that as appropriate is if he were talking about things he likes about his gf or wife etc.... and the same for her. But just saying "this is what I look for in a man...." or vise versa...I would flip my lid. You have every right to be concerned. And even if it is jealousy....it sounds like you are handling it in a mature way instead of snooping and sneaking around to find something out. I would probably ask that she not talk to that guy anymore.

[marjan]

Very inappropriate
I'm a woman and I would not like my partner to chat with random girls on the internet, specially right before getting married!!!
Besides, she labels you as jealous because she wants to continue what she's doing....very bad....she's still not ready for a committed relationship...IMO!

[Gleak]

Originally Posted by marjan

Very inappropriate
I'm a woman and I would not like my partner to chat with random girls on the internet, specially right before getting married!!!
Besides, she labels you as jealous because she wants to continue what she's doing....very bad....she's still not ready for a committed relationship...IMO!

Inappropriate. My sentiments exactly.

Believe me, I have tried the role reversal. I went as far as to write up a fictional "chat" between me and some made up girl from my city, basically the exact same (just worded slightly different) as one of her said conversations w/this guy.

She saw nothing wrong with the scenario.

Now... don't get me wrong, she's not the type that would "cheat". I trust her with my heart and my life.

However, the conversation that took place between my fiancée and this guy, made me uncomfortable, ergo I expressed what I felt.

I personally would never talk this way to another person, just my fiancée. Between her and I, in my possibly biased opinion, is the only place that her sexual preferences and mine should be thought of, let alone discussed.

Either way, after all was said and done, I declined to go meet this person.

I let my fiancée know that if she felt she wanted or needed to go meet this guy, she is more than welcome.

Another thing, someone mentioned that I may be afraid of losing her to another man? No. If that was the case, I wouldn't be so eager to marry her. She is a remarkable person and we're very much in love.

Doesn't mean we wont frustrate each other every now and again!

Thanks for all of the replies, they've been helpful!

[Sameera]

I would say that it is inappropriate to the extent that she was having such a conversation with someone that neither of you really know.

I have no problem with adults talking about sex, it is wise to stay within the bounds of comfort for all involved, but I have no problem with it.

That being said, it is a little odd to have such a conversation with someone you have just met. It would be one thing if it were someone that one or both of you have known for years, but days?

It is great for each of you to have friends, of any gender, and with no worry about if they are a friend to each or both of you. However, there is a world of difference between just having a fun conversation and discussing something that is usually considered to be private.

It is hard for many people to grasp but in marriage the things that used to only be private for you are now private for both of you.

In answer to the comment earlier that said if she were talking about her own preferences, it is ok. The truth is a bit different. In a romantic relationship, and especially in marriage, when you reveal deeply personal things about yourself you are also making that choice for your partner. By talking about the things that you like to do or have done in bed is instantly perceived as your partner being the one who provides or benefits from these things.

Even if the subject has no real bearing on what the sexual relationship between you is really like (maybe the preferences are from times long ago). That doesn't matter, the person your talking to doesn't know that it happened long ago.

The absolute, most important point in all of this is the fact that sex is an act of a couple (ideally). The intimacy, emotions and bonds that are formed through sex are a very private thing. To share this information or ideas about these experiences with someone outside the relationship can stir up all sorts of emotions, many of which aren't even close to good.

Also, not to say that it really has a role so much in this case, something that people should keep in mind is the very real truth of male sexual jealousy. We really are hardwired to respond with aggression if we feel that someone is trying to form an inappropriate relationship with our significant other.

Anyway, I think the best thing to do is to tell her how you honestly feel about the whole thing. Keep it as calm a conversation as you can and explain your side of it. After that let her explain how she feels about the whole thing. Listen to her side of things about what she really revealed, if anything at all. After that you guys can work out some sort of agreement that takes care of each of your concerns.

The question for me is what does your fiancee get from talking with this guy? She knows you are not comfortable with this ongoing chat. What is she getting from this chat that she cannot let go of that she cannot get from you?

[Gleak]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

The question for me is what does your fiancee get from talking with this guy? She knows you are not comfortable with this ongoing chat. What is she getting from this chat that she cannot let go of that she cannot get from you?

I'm not too sure, exactly. We've had a discussion regarding just that and all I could make out is that she was looking for friends.

I've explained that i've had friends of the opposite sex before and sex wasn't a topic of discussion between us.

Sameera - She and I have had pretty much all the talks on the topic that we likely will have. It's not exactly a dead issue in my mind, but now if i bring it up, I'm "bringing up old news" and I get asked as to why I do that.

One other thing she said kind of made me a little nervous. Just last night we were talking and she, in an assumed joking manner, said that one person couldn't possibly fulfill all the needs of another. Jokingly, I asked "So, I can go find another woman?" She laughed and basically told me that I should.

I explained to her right after that again, that she's the only one for me.

There was more to the conversation than that - but that's the extent of it.

[Sameera]

Well, I can honestly say that the situation is beyond my realm of experience. I don't even have any half way decent ideas that might help. I am fully perplexed at this point.

Either she has some slightly outside the box ideas on relationships, some odd notions on commitment, or well, I have no idea to be honest.

I would think that if she were really doing something bad she wouldn't be open about it and you have already said that you don't believe that to be the case.

The only thing I can figure is that her and your ideas on relationship norms are a bit different.

I am sorry, I can't offer any real advice, I just hope that someone else here proves to be much wiser about this sort of thing.

I hope things work out well.

[Gleak]

Originally Posted by Sameera

Well, I can honestly say that the situation is beyond my realm of experience. I don't even have any half way decent ideas that might help. I am fully perplexed at this point.

Either she has some slightly outside the box ideas on relationships, some odd notions on commitment, or well, I have no idea to be honest.

I would think that if she were really doing something bad she wouldn't be open about it and you have already said that you don't believe that to be the case.

The only thing I can figure is that her and your ideas on relationship norms are a bit different.

I am sorry, I can't offer any real advice, I just hope that someone else here proves to be much wiser about this sort of thing.

I hope things work out well.

Well, I thank you for your replies and your help. Her views are a bit distorted. A bit of history, her father killed himself when she was 5. Her mother burned through 3 husbands and my fiancee was there w/her for them all.

My parents were together my entire childhood and they're still happily married today. Almost 40 years now!

The most important fact is: she's young. She's 25; I'm 30. She's never been in a long term relationship, prior to dating me. We've been together now for 4.5 years.

Still, I was never taught how a relationship should be. I just saw how my parents were, how my older siblings were w/their significant others. How my friends were with their significant others.

So If I learned from my experiences i'm sure she did the same, which means she was brought up very differently than I.

Whenever we have an issues though, which is few and far between, we do manage to get through them in one piece. Our communication skills have been improving over the years

[Sameera]

Well then it sounds like you will be fine.

She may also be learning, having a lack of experience in long term relationships mixed with the fact that both of you are going into a new area. Marriage is great but it can be a little unnerving at first, especially if you have to adjust to living with each other. That does not seem like the case here but still.

Also as you correctly pointed out, she just might really have different levels of comfort about such things and different views on areas of relationships. I got used to that with my wife, she was born on another continent much less a different culture. Things will work out. She will figure out that these things bother you and probably do them less, just as you will end up doing when you find things that bother her. It all comes with time and experience (or should, some people make me wonder about that).

Anywho, I wouldn't worry too much, your relationship has already lasted longer than quite a few marriages. You guys will be fine.

[Gleak]

Originally Posted by Sameera

Well then it sounds like you will be fine.

She may also be learning, having a lack of experience in long term relationships mixed with the fact that both of you are going into a new area. Marriage is great but it can be a little unnerving at first, especially if you have to adjust to living with each other. That does not seem like the case here but still.

Also as you correctly pointed out, she just might really have different levels of comfort about such things and different views on areas of relationships. I got used to that with my wife, she was born on another continent much less a different culture. Things will work out. She will figure out that these things bother you and probably do them less, just as you will end up doing when you find things that bother her. It all comes with time and experience (or should, some people make me wonder about that).

Anywho, I wouldn't worry too much, your relationship has already lasted longer than quite a few marriages. You guys will be fine.

Well thank you!

She is definitely learning (as am I) and her different views are definitely a trait from her mother (lol).

I don't doubt that our relationship will make the long run. We've been together this long and living together about as long.. doesn't mean that she can't be frustrating and downright confusing sometimes!