[Left in Limbo]

I've posted here once before ... Wife is battling depression , has been away from the house now almost 2 months in an apartment set up by her counselor while she does this "program" . The intent is that she get better and can deal with life and it's responsiblities again . Sure feels like a bunch of "crap" to me right now . She isn't getting any better and I havn't even been able to get involved in the counseling session as I am supposed to be able to . The wife says the counselor doesn't feel the wife is ready for it . To my wife's defense she was very sick for almost 3 weeks and unable to proceed very much with the counseling .

So ... here I sit in our home trying to hold everything togther financially as well as emotionally feeling awful . Our home was set up as many are with two incomes needed to keep things afloat . She hsnt helped at all for a shade over 3 months , always probs with the checks getting to her etc etc ... she has been working sporadically because of her physical health but regardless ...nothing . I had talked to her about it maybe 7 weeks back and she assured me she would help but she hsn't and it feels like pulling teeth to try and work through that . She even had the nerve to tell me she felt I was being to demanding with her on the phone ... she hasnt taken care of anything and I had to keep bringing up stuff that needed to be done on her end .

The mortgage is now 2 months late and I am talking to the mortgage company to see what my options are ... when I asked the wife about us possibly getting a reduced mortgage payment but that I needed to know if "she was with me" on this and that it was a good opportunity for us and wanted her input ...she tells me ...well I am just working on me right now , to get better .

Guess I had better just figure on her not being around or helping in any way as that is the way it has been for awhile , probably the best way to proceed in this ... it just really sucks to think and feel that way but I suppose she has been showing me the "reality" of what is going on just by her non support and by just dropping her hands and saying ...here you take all the load of responsibilties and by the way don't be too demanding .

What a crock of ****

Left in Limbo

[Aunt Donna]

I suffer with depression. I haven't heard of any program like the one your wife is using. Never has my doctor suggested me moving out of my home. I was put on medication and see a counselor. My husband is very supportive but like you he wouldn't be so understanding if I just moved out. Despite having depression, I still have responsibilities. I wished I had an answer for your situation. You need to find out what is going on with her and her counseling.

[NuckingFutz]

A can certainly understand your position. I have seen this type of behavior before. She cuts off communication with you and does not share responsibilities as her focus narrows to her recovery. If someone spends all her time focusing on healing, she's not really living a life in the present. Most married women in recovery would love their husbands to come to a session or two. It reinforces that you care. If you were not around to take care of the daily matters, what do you think she would say "oh mortgage person I can't pay the mortgage because I really need to focus on me right now". What about all your other creditors? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sure there are times when we really need to heal and we have to take care of ourselves or we will attempt or be destructive, but not for the extended period of time she has been doing this. She is not being responsible and does not see the negative consequences of in her inaction. She needs a wake up call!

[NuckingFutz]

I would also check this counselor out. Nowhere in the DSM IV have a treatment plan mentioning a treatment plan where a counselor sets up an apartment for a patient. That is wrong on so many levels. Find out what is really going on here. Sorry you are having to go through this. Can you keep us posted on how things are going?

[Left in Limbo]

What is DSM IV ?

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I would also check this counselor out. Nowhere in the DSM IV have a treatment plan mentioning a treatment plan where a counselor sets up an apartment for a patient. That is wrong on so many levels. Find out what is really going on here. Sorry you are having to go through this. Can you keep us posted on how things are going?

[Perna]

I don't think you can legally be excluded from participation in any program except by your wife. I would (first) point out to her that you don't see any improvement and suggest to her that you and she find her another program that might work better for both your needs. If she does not agree to that, I would then, do your "own" thing and put the bulk of communication between you, back on your wife. If she is not able or willing to help make joint decisions, then yes, "just figure on her not being around or helping in any way."

It does sound like it sucks big time for you; I'm really sorry.

[lynn P.]

It's a very odd situation and sounds like this counselor has too much control over your wife. The only thing I can think of - is perhaps your wife is telling this counselor bad things about you and the marriage - like there's abuse of some kind. Is it possible your wife is painting this picture to the counselor??

Hope your situation improves, Left in Limbo.

[NuckingFutz]

DSm IV is the mental health manual that helps doctor's classify, diagnose and treat people for mental illness. You can google DSM IV to learn more about it. There are a lot of unethical people that run scams geared toward the mentally ill as a lot of us are more vulnerable to people earning our trust for profit. Find out more about her "program" and the people running it through the APA.

[Sameera]

I can attest to the fact that the DSM does not say anything about removing someone from their home for any reason other than hospitalization as a part of treatment. If it does than I missed a section.

As to why it will take 2 months for her to get "better", that is simple. Antidepressants typically take about 7 to 8 weeks to achieve effectiveness. Usually during this time you would want to have someone around who can keep an eye on the person because as the medications start to work the chances for bad things happening increases for a little while. That passes and hopefully the person is getting the full benefit of the medication.

However, it can take longer than 8 weeks to not only find the right medication but the right dosage so that doesn't sound right. Even more troubling is the fact that any half way competent degree holding mental health professional knows da** well that if you can help it you do not want these people left by themselves when they first go onto the medication.

A typical case would be for the counselor to have both of you in so they can make sure that you both understand what will happen after starting the medication. It would be important for them to explain to you the risks, things to watch for and so on so that you can keep an eye out. Also during this time it is usually the case that the person go in for regular sessions to help them keep going on the right path until the medicine reaches the point of being effective. After that continuing therapy is considered if there is benefit to the patient or if they feel that they really need to continue (in which case it is probably better to keep seeing them).

Anyway, if nothing else I would at least place a call in to another counselor and see if this sounds right to them. I am pretty sure it wont but a second opinion doesn't hurt. If they say what I am sure they will say, that there is no reason to have her in an apartment by herself and that it might be dangerous, I would pull the plug on the whole thing and find a new counselor for her.

[Left in Limbo]

Not a chance .. the wife tells me it isnt about me , that it is about her issues and problems that are interferring with her being able to lead a normal life . She had originally left the home in Nov '09 and has since left when she feels pressure or stress . It has happened in all 3 times and I think that is why the counselor suggested the apartment so that the wife could be in a less stressful environment( to her ) while working on her issues .

Originally Posted by lynn P.

It's a very odd situation and sounds like this counselor has too much control over your wife. The only thing I can think of - is perhaps your wife is telling this counselor bad things about you and the marriage - like there's abuse of some kind. Is it possible your wife is painting this picture to the counselor??

[lynn P.]

Left in Limbo - I hope you know I wasn't implying you're abusive. I just thought your wife might be saying things, to make the counselor think she needs to leave home. I still think this is very odd - maybe the counselor would like to pay for the up-keep of 2 homes lol?

[Sameera]

Err, counseling isn't supposed to get the person to avoid the stresses. It is supposed to do the opposite, teach them how to handle them, work through them and make things manageable so that they can live as normal a life as possible.

In fact anyone who has been to counseling should know very well that they tell you to stop avoiding things when your depressed. Thats the whole point, you learn to deal with things in life, gradually sure, but still.

If this counselor is teaching avoidance than they are doing more harm than any amount of good they may believe they are doing. All this will do is reinforce the idea that she can't handle normal married life at home. The reenforcement will make it so she really is less able to handle the stress and it will only get worse the more it happens.

Talk about the exact opposite approach from what you will learn in any psychology or psychiatry coarse.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ant...9/METHOD=print

Generalizations should not be taken as gospel. We go to professionals because they are the experts. When a medication will reach full potency, what side effects to look for, or how a therapist will conduct treatment defends on many factors. If you have questions, ask the pros.