why do men shut down?

Whoa, why do some men shut down when we (girlfriend/partner) are trying to explain how we feel about something, especially if we are hurt, and they feel hurt in return at the implication or at what it is we are accusing them of. Sometimes not even accusing, its just a matter of saying "hey you know what, when you did/said or didn't do/say this, it really hurt my feelings and made me feel like you don't care that much about me as I would like you to.
Why do they suddenly get angry or upset and then completely disengage? in my case, hang up the phone or log off the computer (msn conversation).
How common is this, what does it mean? I'm in a fairly new relationship, its strained because of the distance between us (half a world actually) so hanging up is quite literally hanging up and puts a very final end to the conversation. Why why why do people do this??? There couldn't be a louder or more straighforward way of saying "I don't care about your feelings and so I'm out of here".
What does it mean when man does this? I know my man loves and cares about me - or I thought he did! Why do men do this? I have never been in relationship with someone who does this, and personally its one of the most upsetting things I could come across. My God, if I don't find out why my boyfriend did this and what it means, perhaps he'd had enouch and needed some time out, but maybe ... maybe it really does mean he doesn't give a fllying rats ***.

This is doing my head in. are there any guys here who use that as a comping mechanism when they are upset, why do you do it, what does it mean, this sis the first time its happened and i feel completely shocked and slapped and rejected. Seriously, I don't know how I should take this.
Im wondering if this means its over. Surely if someone cares about your feelings they wouldn't just hang up on you like that? I would never ever hang up on the man I loved when he was in teh middle of explaining his hurt feelings to me. No matter how attacked I felt. And you know what, I wasn't actually attacking.
Why do they do it, does it mean they really don't care, and what shoudl I do? Clearly he doesn't want to talk to me about it, he's not answering his phone. My gut tells me to just leave him alone, does it mean it's over... i mean, that's throwing a really icy bucket of water over my feelings, why would you do that unless you're throwing in the towel and want to let them knwo you no longer care about them?

Am I doing a typical woman's reaction here and getting so upset and reading too much into it? Please, guys, help me out, I know there are many men out there who do this I just want to know why!

Hoping you get some insite from the fellas on here. Just my observation, but I would see this behavior as a red flag. It could indicate that he really does not know how to respond appropriately to an emotionally charged discussion. I would not let anyone treat me like that. Rlease make sure he does not hurt you again. What he did was mean and insensitive

He definitely sounds insensitive. I've had many relationships (not just romantic ones) where the other person would hang up on me when they got angry, or whatever, to me this is the worst offense. I would never do it to someone else. I personally think its mean as hell and I generally do not try to stay in any sort of relationship with someone who acts like that. That being said, he may just not deal with things well. I don't know your situation exactly, but it cannot be easy having a long distance relationship. Maybe this is a symptom of a larger problem?

I, as a man, would never engage in such communication. I think it just highlights very bad manners. I doubt very much if men in general act this way. I know of a few women who are also guilty of this behaviour.

I am sorry that your partner is treating you this way, it is most insensitive.

It is definitely a sign of a person who doesn't want to be in touch with emotions, especially yours. People who start off a relationship like this will not get better because usually as relationships get more familiar, people will treat each other with less & less sensitivity, so one that's starting off this way is NOT A GOOD SIGN of anything to come in the future.

It is definitely NOT a sign that he loves & cares about you. Remember, actions speak louder than words.....he actions are speaking very loud....HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!!!! or he wouldn't treat you this way. No matter what excuse he uses for why he behaves this way, doesn't make it right nor does it excuse it if he should ever give you an excuse.

When someone really cares about you, they will be there for everything the good & the bad, the tough discussions & the easy ones. Distance doesn't help, but it also isn't an excuse for this behavior. It's just a sign that he doesnt want to bother with those things that matter to you.

It's definitely a sign of a person who you will never get close to if his boundaries are this on the phone, even though the phone is a difficult place to have those conversations over anyway because you can't see body language, but his actions are loud & clear. If he cared about you he wouldn't do this. Red Flag for any relationship forming beyond a long distance one you have. I wouldn't waste my time on someone who couldn't treat me better than that personally.

I think you went a little too far in your "half" of the discussion and did not let him tell his half. What can he say to your saying you feel he doesn't care that much about you? There is no way he can tell you what he does, in fact, feel (if he has the words/experience to identify/speak about his feelings; I think many men do not) because you have already told him how you have interpreted him and he can't do anything about that.

I would have left it at, "When you did/said this, I felt hurt." He is not responsible for your feelings, he cannot hurt them, only you can feel what you feel, it's your interpretation of what is happening around you that determines your feelings. Likewise, "didn't do/say" is something I would try to stay away from because it implies that other people read our minds and do/say what we want them to?

It is all right to end a conversation with someone else, to hang up the phone or turn and walk away; however, it is polite/educated if one knows/is emotionally able, to first tell the other person one is going to take that action. Were I he, I would have said, "I am unable to continue this conversation at this time; I am hanging up the phone now."

Everyone takes care of themselves as best they are able. If you still care about this man, I would call/email him and apologize for putting him on the spot and asking him to try and warn you in the future if he is going to terminate a phone conversation as, "I do not like abrupt, surprise endings to conversations."

This forum seems to be quite popular in blaming men for everything. Of course, the women never play a part in any relationship that has gone bad or is it ever their fault for staying in a relationship that clearly isn't working. Now, like a previous poster said, what is his side of this. Why would he just hang up? I doubt its out of the blue. If this is the norm for him and its not you constantly repeating yourself to the point of him not being able to have a good conversation, maybe its time to move on. Otherwise, the only reason to hang up is if you leave him no other choice, is he saying goodbye and you won't let him off the phone?

I have quite a bit of similarities to this very situation.

I have to say that I feel that you may seem to be unfair to your bf regarding this.
Yes. He hung up on you as you were expressing your feelings to him, and that isn't a nice thing to do.
Have you thought that maybe something you said triggered something in him TO react that way? (an impulse act). Does he behave this way every time when confronted with something unpleasant or difficult?
(This can go into so many different directions BECAUSE it is a long distance relationship).

You say that you are on the opposite side of globe, almost. I am in same and have been going on for 4 years now, (still working on uniting).
I have learned the hard way that there are are difficult limitations to long distance relationships and unless the BOTH of you completely understand AND mutually agree to these limitations, you are bound to an emotional roller coaster ride, (if you even last that long).

I'm sorry that your bf is hurting you this way. But try to understand, that the both of you are lacking an essential structure in your relationship...the physical.
You can only go as far as the virtual will allow and without the physical, you are bound to suffer experiences that normal relationships wouldn't have to even encounter.

If you both really love each other perhaps have patience with your bf, as this situation is equally difficult for him as it is for you.
However, if he continues to behave this way, then I certainly wouldn't stick it out. You cannot carry this on your own. Impossible.

I wish you all the best in this.
You can pm me anytime if you'd like someone to talk to who has experience in this very situation...(I have quite a bit of that...lol) and would love to help you if you need it....

Take good care~

Shangrala

There could be a lot of reasons for his reaction, none of which are an excuse by any means. It's possible that he was never taught to deal with emotions properly. Perhaps his parents raised him to bottle his emotions and that showing vulnerability is bad. That doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person; he's just not accustomed to dealing with his feelings, let alone someone else's.

It's also possible that he was distraught over something and didn't feel he could control his reactions while in such a state, thus chose to take a step back and calm down before responding.

It's also possible that he's an arse.

I'd say give it some time and talk to him about it calmly and rationally.

I think he shut down because he perceived your words as being critical of him, of blaming him. Some men are very sensitive to being criticized by others, especially by women (for better or for worse). I think you need to work extra hard on how you word these things, and be SUPER sensitive about not coming across as criticizing or as blaming. Sure, it would be nice not to have to do this, and to be able to have a frank and direct discussion, but it will go better if you take major pains to not tromp on his ego and make him feel like it is his fault. It can help by saying your goal, that you really want to be closer, etc. And then say something about yourself and how you sometimes say the wrong thing, or screw up in the relationship--it lets him know that you know you are not perfect and that you need to work on things, so he knows you are not putting the full responsibility on him. Even if this seems obvious to you that you feel this way, you really need to say it repeatedly to him, or else he feels blamed and criticized, and he will shut down if he feels that way. Certainly not all men are like this, but some are, and things will go more smoothly in the relationship if you acknowledge this and figure out ways to express your concerns without his feeling blamed or criticized. I know it may seem like pandering, and that can feel yucky, but it is what it is for right now, until you two can work out communication between you.

Having this sort of delicate conversation is best done face to face. It is a recipe for disaster to do this over MSN chat. Since you are living apart at this time, at least discuss these important matters over the phone.

Here is a book on communication that I recommend you read, and if you like it, you can share it with your partner:
"Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life," by Marshall Rosenberg
Even if only one person learns the skills in this book, it can really help communication.

I think you're wrong there. Relationships are a two way street. If you're being sarcastic, I didn't find it funny. Of course women play a role and have responsibility in relationships. Duh.

I agree with envision...I forgot that I too am a man so my opinion doesn't count...lol...

I do not feel that the forum blames men for every thing... its just that the majority of posters on here are heterosexual females, therefore, we are going to talk to about our problems with our significant other and that other just happens to be a man -

Remember:
Women need to talk in order to work through the issues in their life.

From my forty-two years of experience I have found that we all (men & female) react to hurt emotions just in different manners.... Men tend to become angry or shut down completely and Women tend to cry or shut down by walking away to sulk.

And while they both (men & women) are doing different things in order to cope with the information they have just heard... they are both showing that they care about the other person or they wouldn't be acting in such a manner.

Please keep in mind that not all adults come into a relationship having the proper communication skills required and some times it is up to the more mature person in the relationship to help the other one learn... with love and patients at all times.

BTW - to answer your question WHY
1.) Men become angry when emotionally upset
2.) Women cry when emotionally upset

I would think that it must be difficult as a man to grow up under the stereotype belief that his feelings shouldn't be expressed because it's not what "real, strong, macho men" do.
While at the same time, they are perfectly aware of what they're feeling...yet struggling to know how to express it without seeming like a "puzzy" (excuse the bluntness).

That must be a hard thing to deal with......

Shangrala

We believe that there's always something gained and something lost in an arguement. However, when the time comes that we think our gf decides she's not going to let something go or try to help us work things out, that is the time we shut down and become silent and sometimes.

There are always 2 sides to and arguement or disagreement. It is beneficial for both parties to talk things out when they can in an orderly fashion. Sometimes even if you feel you aren't in the wrong, you need to swallow your pride for a moment and see where things are going. Sometimes the other party feels more deeply hurt that what once was thought. Something like this may never surface if one part of the relationship won't bow out for a minute or so.
It takes patience, yes, but any relationship worth fighting for deserves some type of patience on both sides, even internet relationships. Sometimes that patience comes from letting something go till things calm or both sides agree on something.

Thank you all for this excellent discussion.

Hello, Paraclete,

I am in a long distance relationship, too, so I can understand your struggles and frustrations.

I wish I had more to add to what you're going through, but I am seeking my own solutions, as well.
Just letting you know that you are not alone in your struggles, I suppose....

Katz

Sunrise-

Quote:
Originally Posted by Envision
Of course, the women never play a part in any relationship that has gone bad

I think you're wrong there. Relationships are a two way street. If you're being sarcastic, I didn't find it funny. Of course women play a role and have responsibility in relationships. Duh.

Of course that was sarcastic. Sorry you didn't see the obvious humor in it but it accurately reflected the tone of frequent threads who blame the male for everything. I agree with you, women do play a role/responsibility in the relationship. A fact that all too often is left out here. Double Duh.

I think I put my opinion on this early and it was a generalized observation. I have started thinking of the family of origin work I did on my father. He supported our family financially and hardly saw him other than dinner time. What I found out was very revealing. He was shipped off to military school when he was seven. Went all the way through military academy. This was very revealing to me because how is my father suppose to learn about feeling and emotional support and nurturing when the main objective of the school is to produce some of the finest officers in the US Military. Not a nuturing man.