Affections Withheld

My boyfriend, and I, have been dating for about 6 months; knowing each other for about a year.

He has told me that he comes from a family that shows no emotions. No hugging, no kissing, no "I Love You's", no affection, whatsoever. Well, I (too) came from the same type of family. No one every held me, told me that they "loved me", hugged me or made me feel like I was loved.

My concern is this....

My boyfriend does not like "hugs" from me. I ask him, for hugs, and I can "feel" or tell that he does not like me doing so. In fact, the last time I saw him, he told me that it makes him feel uncomfortable because he grew up without love or hugs.

I have grown "emotionally" and spiritually (in my life) and have learned to love, hug and be affectionate. I like and enjoy showing my love, caring and appreciation for this man, but now it seems to be getting in the way of our relationship.

I guess this is all about communicating.

I'm feeling rejected, because he is unwilling to even "touch" my arm, or just pat me on the back, or "feel" with me.

What can I say, to this man, to help him along? He seems that he does not want to even "try", but at other times he seems willing to be able to try and work on this issue.

Can someone be so "hurt" from the past that they will never "ever" get over their non-loving/non-affectionate parents?

I have had sex, with this man, and he does touch and feel during our lovemaking, but he just cannot seem to open up and just let things happen.

Know what I mean?

I'm wondering if this 'relationship' is going to be worth the effort? Maybe I need someone that is "more affectionate", to me. That might be the bottom line.

Please HELP!

Feeling Rejected

My wife was raised in a home where there was little to no affection shown. No hugs, I love you's, nada. This has caused problems between her and I because she won't hug me and at times refuses to hug me.

It is wired in her and I can tell her what my needs are, but it does little to no good. I still think that your boyfriend can change, but it may be slow going.

Patience is the key. Don't give up.

Hello, kkfk. I am more cynical. My thought is to ask your friend to see a therapist and maybe do joint counseling. If he refuses to see a therapist, I see problems ahead. Does he talk to you? There have been many threads here discussing how to deal with an unemotional mate who will not talk and show affection. Most from women who feel alone in their own home.

I also think you should make it clear how important showing affection is to you. He needs to realize that he can choose to change his behavior. He is not locked into the past.

To frequently feel rejected is not my idea of a loving relationship.

It is interesting to me how you say your wanting love and appreciation is getting in the way of your relationship. An alternative statement might be that your boyfriend's unwillingness or inability to show love or appreciation is getting in the way.

I too came from a home where there were no hugs, kisses, touching, or I love yous. But as soon as I started having romantic relationships, I put all that behind me. That was family. This was romantic partners. I was starved for physical affection so getting it in the context of a romantic relationship helped fill a longstanding need from childhood. So I do think if people want affection, they can show it and receive it even if they didn't grow up with it. If a person is withholding affection, I think they must not want to give it or receive it. I see that as serious stumbling block if that person has a relationship with a person who does want love. I think it is a very big deal.

Kkfk, I think before moving forward toward marriage, you should decide how important it is for you to be with someone who is able to hug and say I love you, who doesn't withdraw if you touch him. Only you know. Perhaps it is not that important to you. If you don't really know what you feel, it might be helpful for you (alone) to explore this topic with a therapist. If you decide that affection is a must for you in a relationship, it seems like going to couples therapy with your boyfriend might be in order.

I have been where you are. I was married for over 20 years to a guy who was not physically affectionate (if I tried to hold his hand, he would not reciprocate, but at best tolerate my holding his hand, which he would let hang there like a dead fish; other times he simply pulled his hand away). He never initiated a hug with me, or a kiss, or an "I love you." He was very withholding in all ways, even including conversations, preferring often to speak in as few words as possible or sometimes not even answering a simple and direct question I might ask. Even during sex, he was a robot, never wanting to kiss or touch during the act beyond the bare essentials. Just the minimum necessary for him to get what he wanted. He would not allow us to have sex unless he initiated, which was rarely. I told myself there was much good about this man and he was worth it to give up affection and expressions of love. But in the end, I was kidding myself. All those years I missed out on being with someone who could feel and express it in even the most basic of ways. Life in the marriage was very lonely. I don't know what I was thinking when I was young, and we were first going out. I think I didn't know myself well enough to realize how important these deficits in him would be to me. I'm glad we're divorced now. I think this knowledge about oneself and what one needs comes with maturity but can be sped along by honest exploration of the topic with a therapist.

Good luck.

I have never met the successful relationship in which this question was necessary.

I would suggest that you just be there for him and be patient as you slowly show him how nice intimacy outside the bedroom can be with a person you care for... do not push or nag him about it (just show thru doing) and remember that this issue is about him (what he didn't receive as a child) and not about you or his love for you.

I would see if he will "play" with you and explore what is comfortable and feels good versus what is scary/uncomfortable for him. I would remind him that just because he learned a certain way of being in childhood doesn't mean he can't change it if he wants to and if it would make you happier (presumably he likes to make you happy, since he loves you :-)

My husband and I accidentally found that we fit together best when I'm standing on a single stair :-) We happened to have one of those in the "office" of our previous house and whenever he wanted a hug he'd tell me to "assume the position" and I'd run and hop up on the step. It is great fun and we look for single-step situations, see who can spot them first and get the other person involved without saying anything.

Another thing you might try is back rubs or other less intense (than hugs) touching. My husband cut the bottom of his foot when he was a teenager and a lot of nerves got cut so they're still "jangled" now and occasionally he'll have intense pain which, he says only are soothed by my rubbing his foot. I extract payment though, by having him read aloud to me from a book of my choice. It's even fun to look for books we both might like.

Maybe you can just practice sitting together/at opposite ends of the couch and one of you reading aloud while the other rests their head/feet in one's lap, something like that.

Thanks so much for your great reply!

I think being "playful" is a great idea. I'm naturally that way, anyway!

Gee, I had not thought of that.

Thanks again for your great reply!

Thanks!

Patience is my greatest virtue, so I will rely on that as my starting point!

Oh, Yes...we talk very well. In fact, he made the comment that he likes to talk with me. I think it has to do more with I'm more educated, than he is, and he gains knowledge and insight, from me.

Ah...yes...Patience!

Patience is a hard thing to learn and practice, sometimes!

kkfk, hope you can get this resolved in a way beneficial to both of you.