[Fartraveler]

I have a real problem with this.

I now believe that people (me included) probably want it and need it. I think that an important part is being able to trust and share one's true thoughts.

I now think that trusting and sharing with one's T can be important.

But here's my question.

In the real world, do y'all think that a satisfying intimacy can best be obtained through having a partner? Or do you think that an equally satisfying intimacy can be obtained through joining an intentional community, and trying to consciously create a new family?

(I don't have a partner, and I am wary of trying to do that. But I would like to have a life with more family.)

What do you people think about this idea? Work on trying to find a relationship? Work on trying to join/form an intentional community, ie, relationships with lots of friends?

Thanks for any ideas.
-Far

Fartraveler------I think you have already stated the right things to do to improve your life with more "family" and joining in in some sort of community.

Once you make the attempt, you may find intimacy with some, and not with others---------------------------------------sending my thoughts your way---theo

[ECHOES]

Far, I replied but my reply was ditched when your post was moved. I'm sorry.

[eskielover]

One can find closeness in either place. I had a marriage for 33 years that wasn't intimate because my husband wasn't able to communicate or be a true partner. He could do nice things like a friend, but couldn't take care of a family or protect them.

I left him 3 years ago & moved across the country. I never had a group of friends when I was married & was pretty much a loan person all my life, but when I moved here, I found a group of friends that I ride horses with & I found another group of friends that I go to Bible Study with. Both groups I have found to have several people that I have been able to become close with.

After my Mother died 5 years ago.....I had NO family left other than my husband & daughter & my daughter had moved away many years before that. You can find a group or people but that doesn't guarantee that you will find an intimate relationship with any one in there. It takes having interests in common, communication on things that interest, caring & taking care of each other, being willing to go out of your way to help them & then in turn, they go out of their way to help you.

Finding intimate friendship is not guaranteed not does it always happen whether on an mate sort of relationship, nor in a group setting. It all depends on the people & on yourself......guess what I am saying is that there are no guarantees in life...all you can do is try & see what comes. I think it's easier to find good friendships than to find the right partner from my personal experience.

Best wishes on your endeavor to find that intimate relationship you are looking for. Sometimes we can put too much thought into what we are wanting & then try to force it to happen rather than to just let life happen the way its supposed to for us. Some things we can't force, we just have to be aware of what is available & put ourselves in situations where they can happen, but things like intimate relationships can't be forced or made.....they have to happen.

[sunrise]

Fartraveler, what kind of community would you join? It sounds like the community pre-exists, rather than a community you would build one friend at a time (your own personal community of friends). I am intrigued by the idea of joining a pre-existing community.

In the last few years, I have tried to make friends with people I really wanted to be with and share with and who I had sincere interest in getting to know better, rather than random folk who walked through my life but might be the opposite of supportive and thoughtful and positive. I did want more intimacy and honesty in my relationships. I wasn't ready to look for a romantic partner, so I tried with friendships. Before this I had very limited friendships as I had withdrawn from almost everyone as my marriage deteriorated and I became more and more depressed.

My success has been limited. I have formed continuing acquaintanceships with several people but have not been able to take it to the next level of friend. I think this is due to my inattention to the relationships. Friendships really need to be nurtured and I haven't done that, beyond the initial establishment of the relationship. I meet these people, am able to take it to the next level beyond "person who I happened to meet" and email a bit with the person, perhaps go to an event together, or meet up for some reason, but then I don't follow through and continue with this. If I happen to run into these people, we stop and talk for a while and are both really pleased to see each other. But that's it. I am super busy and can't make time to nurture these friendships. I know the fault is mine.

I guess I just somehow have to make this a greater priority, and if I don't, it won't happen. I think that is why I was intrigued by your mentioning joining a community, Fartraveler. You could come into the pre-formed community and not have to do so much of the groundwork. I'm not sure I would like this, actually, but it was an interesting alternative that I hadn't thought of.

For me, I think I can get enough intimacy from friends. A partner can come later, if I am ready, but I don't think is essential for finding emotional intimacy in one's life.

Could I ask you, if you met a person you wanted to be friends with, how would you do that?

In the real world, do y'all think that a satisfying intimacy can best be obtained through having a partner? Or do you think that an equally satisfying intimacy can be obtained through joining an intentional community, and trying to consciously create a new family?

If "create a new family" means having children, you still need a partner, unless you are thinking of a test tube baby. How are you defining intimacy? Intimacy to many means a sexual relationship. Is that what you mean? If so, why do you think you would have better luck with intimacy in an intentional community?

Google has a lot about intentional communities. Here is one site: http://directory.ic.org/iclist/geo.php

My thought is that you need to do a lot of research and decide what you actually want to accomplish by joining a community.

Good luck.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

In the real world, do y'all think that a satisfying intimacy can best be obtained through having a partner? Or do you think that an equally satisfying intimacy can be obtained through joining an intentional community, and trying to consciously create a new family?

I've had limited experience with intentional communities. Been in one for a while, hung around the fringes of a couple more, read about still others, both real and fictional. The catch is: a group structure may be in place to promote intimacy; participants may go through the motions of intimacy; but whether you actually have the experience of intimacy is still up to you.

It gets worse. You could participate in one community; not experience intimacy even though it was demanded of you (or more likely, because it was demanded); move on to another setting where there was less stress on intimacy but actually more room for it; and find yourself contributing all your pent-up intimacy, as it were, from the old setting to the new one.

The only thing that's ever worked for me with regard to intimacy has been not to follow these rules or those rules, but to follow my weird.

Hope this sheds some light on the subject; or if darkness, at least interesting darkness.

[chaotic13]

I've never really had more than superficial relationships with others until I started on my journey in therapy. Now, I have really connected relationships with 2 friends and have been able to heal a relationship with a person from my childhood. These relationships have been incredible and IDK I seem to be attracting people to me who are capable and interested in deeper interactions. The only downside (at least at this point) has been as I explore these more intimate exchanges and feeling things it make me crave a deeper connection with a true sole-mate or partner. Someone to share things that... :-) you can't share with friends no matter how close they are. My H...doesn't seem to be what I'm craving. I've been hoping this will change but....

IDK about the pre-set community thing through. I've never heard of that type of community, my relationships have just developed as I started changing.

[sunrise]

I went to that link, and it turns out Intentional Community is also known as "Co-housing", which is what people in my area call it. (I checked the state roster at that link, and my state has over 100 co-housing/intentional communities.) So I am familiar with this after all. FarTraveler, have you identified a community you want to move forward with? Here it is usually a big deal, where the co-housing community forms painstakingly, before they even buy the land to build on. It can be hard to divest of your share, once the land is bought and the dwellings built. I have heard of people who went the whole way and then wanted out because it turned out they didn't get along with the others in the co-housing group after all. I think it is a big risk! (I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who has just gotten out of a community of two--a marriage--and that was hard enough.) I would need great certainty I really liked the people before I would buy and build with them.

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

In the real world, do y'all think that a satisfying intimacy can best be obtained through having a partner? Or do you think that an equally satisfying intimacy can be obtained through joining an intentional community, and trying to consciously create a new family?

i think both can be good options. there are different levels of intimacy and i think most people need the various types of intimacy found from a variety of relationships. sometimes people expect a spouse to meet all their emotional needs and i don't think that is really possible.

i've always found the idea of intentional communities intriguing and i know they are on the rise these days. it is probably something that takes a lot of research and planning though to do successfully. from what i know there are many different types as well. it can be something as simple as 6 people all renting a large house together. i definitely wouldn't rush into one because if you end up not getting along well with the people it could be rather unpleasant. a lot of things would need to be worked out up front too i.e. money arrangements, cleaning, meals, etc. it might be worth putting out feelers with existing friends or friends that you are making as you've gotten to know them a bit. is there something that would be a common interest that would be tying the community together e.g. the arts, a particular faith, green living?

i do think what eskielover said about letting relationships form naturally is important too. we can put ourselves in places to be open to relationships but they really can't be forced. there is a spontaneity to relationships that make them authentic and special.

it's an interesting topic.

[Fartraveler]

Sorry to take so long to get back to this.

I realized that I was setting up a false problem. Of course I can live in a community and also be part of a partner-relationship if one turns up. I'm not thinking of joining a celibate community!! So there's actually no need to make a choice.

Yes, I do have a community (just forming) that I'm thinking of joining. I'm also on the waiting list at another co-housing community, and so I participate in stuff over there, know the folks, the dynamics, etc. (And they get married, get divorced, bring partners in, and so on.)

Community living does take a lot of effort. But I think that with the right group, it's probably worth it.

So I'm probably going to continue exploring with my new group. It will probably take a year or more for the planning process to finish, and no one will be moving in for another year or so. (It's already been going on for a while.)

And so on.

Thanks, everyone.

-Far

Good luck with whatever you decide, Fartraveler.