[valfor]

I'll get right to it.....everything is falling apart all at once...my relationship sucks right now. We have been together 15 yrs and we have both been in long term and also were married before..2 children for me with my ex and 1 with my current relationship..he has no other children.

I suffer with the lost of my children (taken by there father) many years ago, met my current relationship 18 months after and we have been together since meeting....at that time he was the answer to my prayers such a loving ,caring ,nurturing person who took me a stranger into his life and we had a great passionate, sexual, stormy relationship and now we are just stormy.....I have always said you know a person by his past by the amount of friends he still has from his past especially if there friends from when he was a kid. Everybody likes him he makes friends easily.The problem is, is us together as a couple..we are so very much the same it's like living with yourself...stubborn, opinionated controling, loving, would do anything for anyone. But now we argue every time we speak to each other...we do not get along at all plus he says thing that are very mean he knows what I have been thru but yet he will use it against me every time we argue.

He has no patience with stupid people so he says..he is mentally abusive with me...but than he will apologize later and say how sorry he is and than we will argue again and do it all over again..I feel like a yoyo...when I am angry with him I will ask him to leave but he won't...he says not until our child is older he says he will not leave him and that he needs a mom and dad and I do agree but exposing our son to this toxic relationship is not right and the frustrating thing is he will agree.

I am dealing with trying to get my daughter home from the country where she is , but it is a Muslim country and there laws are so strict when it comes to women that it's almost a hopeless situation but we still talk and it has been very hard on me, I feel so helpless I can't help her...well my husband gets so upset that this is hurting me and we end up arguing because he says he wants to help..but his idea of helping is telling me I am doing everything all wrong. Instead of hugging he rants and raves about how no one else would put up with this s*#t and he's getting tiried of it and how much money it's costing for the long distance and how I'm taking away from my family.....I understand his frustration but he takes it out on me and yells at me and it just upsets me more and I say things like "how can you say those things" so than I am more upset...he is very good at saying mean things when he's upset I always say he is a master at it but I just end up in tears...says I have a big fat mouth and don't know how to keep it shut.

I am not saying he is wrong but his "tough love" as he put's it is not working because it just makes me angry...what do I do this is ruining our life it does not stop my son even wants us to seperate and that coming from a 12 yr old breaks my heart..what are we teaching him...I want my man to be a man and not a bully to me....is it me? I am beginning to question. I suffer from PTSD and Generalized anxiety on top of peri-menopause and he says it's all in my head and again when he's angry he will tell me that I am mental.....like, what gives ,why is he so mean..he will role his eyes when I tell him my heart is racing and I feel scared and my anxiety is thru the roof and he will just say something mean and push me away and say you need help.....sarcastically! I am so upset...my anxiety symptoms are at it's extreme high and am resulting in taking an Ativan and it's been 2 yrs since I had to take something...was so proud I was doing well and could do it on my own....but now.....not sure

[AkAngel]

Like everyone, you have certain preconceptions you have taken into this relationship. Personally, I don't agree with them. Now that doesn't make them wrong, but perhaps you might take another look at them. For instance, you said, "I have always said you know a person by his past by the amount of friends he still has from his past especially if there friends from when he was a kid."

I don't collect friends, I have very few, but I can count of them unequivocally and would give my life for any of them. None of them are from my childhood.

You've also said, "I want my man to be a man..."

What is a man? In todays world more than at any time in history the definition of 'what being a man' means is unraveling. Perhaps his concept of what being a man is different; have you asked him? For instance, you said, "...when I am angry with him I will ask him to leave but he won't..." If you are interested in ending the relationship, why is it that you don't leave? It seems that you have an expectation that the man should leave if the relationship is not working; you are free to do so as well.

I don't know if the relationship is worth saving; no one here will. Too, we only hear one side of the story and while I am not doubting that you are accurately explaining the situation exactly as you see it, he might see it entirely different. It sounds to me like the two of you need more communication and less blaming, as well as some counseling if this has a chance.

Good luck to you.

Hello, valfor. Who has title to the property where you live? If it is a rental are both of youe names on the lease? Does Canada recognize common law marriages? Are both of your names on your son's certificate of birth? Who owns the personal property? Is some of the personal property jointly owned, like any vehicles? What about bank accounts and credit cards? Are they joint accounts.

While I hope you and he can work this out, it is good to be prepared. Maybe there will be other supportive posts with better ideas. Good luck.

[bmx35]

I suggest a breathing space. Away from each other for awhile to think matters through. If your relationship will not change, your anxiety might be heightened and will worsen your condition. You need healing and his behavior towards you is not helping. Probably, he too is emotionally fatigued. Marital counseling might help you set goals for your relationship...With whatever choice you make, I wish you the best.

[valfor]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Like everyone, you have certain preconceptions you have taken into this relationship. Personally, I don't agree with them. Now that doesn't make them wrong, but perhaps you might take another look at them. For instance, you said, "I have always said you know a person by his past by the amount of friends he still has from his past especially if there friends from when he was a kid."

I don't collect friends, I have very few, but I can count of them unequivocally and would give my life for any of them. None of them are from my childhood.

You've also said, "I want my man to be a man..."

What is a man? In todays world more than at any time in history the definition of 'what being a man' means is unraveling. Perhaps his concept of what being a man is different; have you asked him? For instance, you said, "...

I don't know if the relationship is worth saving; no one here will. Too, we only hear one side of the story and while I am not doubting that you are accurately explaining the situation exactly as you see it, he might see it entirely different. It sounds to me like the two of you need more communication and less blaming, as well as some counseling if this has a chance.

Good luck to you.

thank-you for responding but the reason why I don't leave is because I own the house it is in my name and this is also our son's home and he would not be able to raise a son on his own especially since I have always been the "main" caregiver...my job enables me to be flexible for my son. I guess what I am saying is it's much to complicated to leave and in spite all that's going on I do love him and I am confused about all this it makes me so sad that it is the way it is. As far as what I meant about a man is I want him to stand up and take control of his own behaviour and treat a women the way she deserves. The term man I used was more of a way to explain...we are in our 40's and are both traditional in the way we were bought up but are here in the changing times of equality between a man & a women.
I do agree with you on the counselling thing I just wish he would agree.

[valfor]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, valfor. Who has title to the property where you live? If it is a rental are both of youe names on the lease? Does Canada recognize common law marriages? Are both of your names on your son's certificate of birth? Who owns the personal property? Is some of the personal property jointly owned, like any vehicles? What about bank accounts and credit cards? Are they joint accounts.

While I hope you and he can work this out, it is good to be prepared. Maybe there will be other supportive posts with better ideas. Good luck.

Hi Byz, how are you to answer your questions the mortgage is in my name we do share a bank account because I am the book keeper here at home. Yes they do recognize common-law marriages...yes we are both on the birth certificate..we have our own vehicles.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by valfor

thank-you for responding but the reason why I don't leave is because I own the house it is in my name and this is also our son's home and he would not be able to raise a son on his own especially since I have always been the "main" caregiver...my job enables me to be flexible for my son. I guess what I am saying is it's much to complicated to leave and in spite all that's going on I do love him and I am confused about all this it makes me so sad that it is the way it is. As far as what I meant about a man is I want him to stand up and take control of his own behaviour and treat a women the way she deserves. The term man I used was more of a way to explain...we are in our 40's and are both traditional in the way we were bought up but are here in the changing times of equality between a man & a women.
I do agree with you on the counselling thing I just wish he would agree.

I understand much better now and I am sorry for your difficulties. It sounds like you are in a tough spot and I don't envy you. Perhaps counseling on your own for now and perhaps a call to a women's shelter - not to leave, but I bet they know what your options are better than anyone. I know you don't want to lose the relationship but at least if you have a plan to know how, then if the time comes you won't have to figure it out in the middle of that chaos.

Good luck and you'll be in my thoughts.

[valfor]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

I understand much better now and I am sorry for your difficulties. It sounds like you are in a tough spot and I don't envy you. Perhaps counseling on your own for now and perhaps a call to a women's shelter - not to leave, but I bet they know what your options are better than anyone. I know you don't want to lose the relationship but at least if you have a plan to know how, then if the time comes you won't have to figure it out in the middle of that chaos.

Good luck and you'll be in my thoughts.

Thank-you Akangel..it makes me feel better just to vent and know someone is not going to lecture me...the way my hubby does. I know living with someone who suffers depression like I have cannot be a picnic to live with and yes he is probably emotionally stressed. Thanks again there's a reason I come here and your kind words have helped. I hope I can one day repay the words.