[Martina]

Have any of you read the book "The Five Love Languages"?

Well, even if you haven't - imagine this: my husband's "Love Language" appears to be Acts of Service, where he will do little nice things for me, like do the dishes, pick up dog crap, fix my car, fold laundry, stuff like that. That's how he shows his love. And it might be inferred that that is how he receives love. Possibly.

I suck at housework. I hate it. This house is a dump. It looks like crap. The bathrooms don't get cleaned, not even weekly sometimes. It's disgusting. He does the dishes - he says he likes to because he likes to soak his hands in the water. Yeah, right. He picks up the dog crap outside. He takes out the garbage to the street. I do a horrible job at laundry, stuff ends up stained, wrinkeld, not put away until days later. The house is just generally a MESS.

Could this perhaps be one reason why our marriage is not up to par?

I know I should do housework "out of love" but how do I get past the fact that I just plain HATE IT and it feels like slave labor and I despise every minute and every second that I am doing it? How do I make it feel like love? It doesn't, to me.

[Belle1979]

I learnt after my break up that being the perfect house wife didn't make the perfect relatioship...
What makes you think that your marriage is not "up to par?"

[PufNStuf]

Martina,

In my first marriage, my OCD was out of control because I was so anxious...I cooked and cleaned with a gusto! Then I let everything fall apart. Fast forward to now: I have about 7,000 sq ft. to keep clean.....and instead of hiring a housekeeper, I do it. Partly because I'm really weird about wanting it done a certain way (whoa...I didn't realize I'd used a bad word until I saw the astericks....hm...edited it), and partly because BF and I are paranoid...a lot of celebs live out in this rural area, but the townspeople really don't seem to like any of "us", and I'm scared to hire someone =P I try really hard to go out of my way to talk to people, but mainly they just think we're rich, stupid and crazy (okay, maybe true on the crazy! Hah!)

(which I realize is expensive, but it may be worth it for your sanity! Really! If that's not an option, I'd also ask a very good friend to help you whip your house into shape....I have the most amazing best friend in FL who would fly up for a week JUST to help me clean because I was overwhelmed when I first got here. Just tell them you really need some help with it and it's just stressing you out. I'm sure your GF's will help! Make it a party....make some nice drinks, put some music on, kick the hubby out for the night...)

Anyway dear, I've got a system going where I will clean with abandon when I'm "Up" with BPD and when I'm down, I don't (and I don't feel guilty about it....because the house is clean when I'm feeling well).

I see you have a kiddie (aw!), so I'm sure your time is limited.

When I moved into my "new life", my friend J (a very sophisticated lady about 30 years my senior) really sat me down and told me what kind of "help" I needed to hire....she stressed that I was NOT to cook or clean! lol! I <3 her attitude about it all...but see, I just enjoy that "nurturing" with cleaning and cooking.

I doubt any of this will help, but the friend route can be so soothing. Especially a friend who doesn't judge you....that you guys can giggle when you find something grossy to clean! Please let me know how it's going....I can offer my cleaning ipod playlists! lol.

I also have an office of my own that I let get absolutely destroyed...and I tell the BF not to utter a word. Close the door if you don't want to look at it. =D

[Perna]

I do housework when I "have" to (someone coming over or I'm moving :-) but my T pointed out that most people don't enjoy housework so I'm probably not that alone in having trouble doing it.

My husband and I made a pact early in the relationship; I'd cook, he'd do dishes. But even that doesn't hold up as, if I don't want to cook, he'll take me out or we'll order delivery and he does the dishes when he feels like it, which doesn't necessarily fit in with when the cook needs the dishes :-) So, the end result is sometimes he cooks (he makes a nice breakfast each morning which I may/may not eat) and sometimes I do the dishes because they're in my way/bothering me. We each do our own laundry, I do the household towels, dish towels, rugs, etc.

Our relationship is built on a give and take; if someone doesn't like some level of public mess, they clean it up; we each have our own private areas, piles of books and papers, etc. that the other usually doesn't mess with.

We had a large Mother's Day party here and I stashed all the cords and chargers to the electric lawn equipment, computers, cell phones, etc. under a table in a bin with other "stuff" (that I hadn't cleaned up in ages, just put in the bin and under the corner table out of the way) and the next week, I gave away that bin, thinking it was just my stray exercise equipment and parts to my wii/Fit I sold to my girlfriend. I'm so glad I sold it to my girlfriend, had to call her and go pick the bag of chargers up, LOL

No one should have to do all the clean up (unless they truly like to do that) and I've noticed my husband is better at some of it than I am which makes me feel strange. I remember the first time he spilled his milk on the living room carpet and was 15 minutes and thorough cleaning it up; I would have just thrown a few paper towels at it, blotted it for a few seconds and been done :-) Don't forget we are all raised differently by our parents and have different backgrounds that can still influence some of our responses. My stepmother was extremely strict and I'm still revolting from her "Army" lock-step attitude and things being done completely and perfectly at a particular time and place. My husband, on the other hand, was paid to wash dishes (it was a job he had as a teenager) and was the eldest of four boys so did babysitting and general cleanup as part of his way of life so truly doesn't mind it, views it as part of life.

I made a collage of different chores and "free" days, numbered each area of the collage poster board and bought a pair of dice. I rolled it first thing each morning and decided I had to do whatever I rolled that day for half an hour. There was "cat" and "kitchen" and "bath" and "laundry" and "filing" and "dollar store" (I had to go and buy one item there and bring it back and use it to improve the household :-) and "general cleanup" (like vacuuming). I still have the board but decided, after a week or two, that I could do such obvious, simple work for half an hour a day without having it dictated to me in any fashion (anti-stepmother ways :-) and, to a certain extent, I still do. It certainly helped me feel a bit more connected to cleaning as part of my daily life.

[hesterprynne]

i hate housework too! always have. my husband, who is home most of the time does as much as his arthritis will let him. i do the rest, but not very often. the house isn't filthy, but it certainly isn't spotless.
i had a bumpersticker on my car when i met him 20 years ago that said
my only domestic quality is that i live in a house.
he thought it was a joke.
it wasn't.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by hesterprynne

he thought it was a joke.
it wasn't.

Love it, Hester. When I met my husband the management company for the apartments I lived in had given me a couple of "clean up or be evicted for health reasons" notifications over the years (I lived there 13 years).

[AkAngel]

Love languages aside, how does a guy respond negatively to this:

Honey, can I talk to you? I have a favor to ask you.

Look, I love the heck out of you and I want to show you how much. I bought and read this book trying to find a way for me to show you just how much you mean to me but what I got out of it is that I could do so by being Susie Homemaker. You may have noticed, I'm not Suzie Homemaker and I never will be - but is there something I could do, that I couold incorporate into my life that would show you how much you mean to me?

I mean, it seems to me that's why you're reading the book. You want to improve your marriage and you want to do it because you love him.

[seeker1950]

I hate housework too. But!!!...I do like a clean and orderly environment, as I truly believe our environment affects our mental state.

I think the reason I "hate" housework goes back to my childhood. While my parents worked, I, the older of the two siblings, was responsible for getting the housework done after school, and before parents arrived home in the evening. My younger sister did none of it, but if I didn't get it done, I was whipped. When I was married, my husband was fastidious, and would go around checking for dust....just a further extension of my childhood, really.

Alone now, I do it for myself, so I can have a pleasant environment. But it's nice 'cause I don't have to meet other people's expectations.

As I read your initial post here, your description of your husband showing his love by doing things sounded much like my ex. But I wanted an emotional connection he didn't know how to give...just a good fixit man. Now, I can pay someone to fix things.

I'm not being much help here, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in hating the housework. ONe thing I do which helps me in getting things done, is to make a list, and checking off the tasks. I get a sense of satisfaction from accomplishing this, and do it at my own pace.

Patty

[Skully]

Honestly, I broke out in laughter when I read the thread title because I completely identify with it. I too suck at housework but luckily I live alone and the only ones who can complain about it are my dogs. They have yet to say anything lol.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Skully

Honestly, I broke out in laughter when I read the thread title because I completely identify with it. I too suck at housework but luckily I live alone and the only ones who can complain about it are my dogs. They have yet to say anything lol.

LOL, Skully...My two dogs and one cat are the main messer-uppers here, and they don't complain! I let all the fur-bunnies go for two weeks recently, as they love being inside, and are my friends!
Patty

Housework is not a favorite pastime.

[mamaJenof5]

I am not the best house keeper I just get so overwelmed with things. I have 5 kids and a husband that can't/don't clean up after themselves. (not a good subject to get me going on) I am always after them (12,9,8,6,2) if you make something to eat just wipe the counter and put away the stuff. If you have to step over something just pick it up. If you can't get your dishes to the dish washer then maybe you shouldn't eat/drink (lol) I am a rapid cycler so I really am more depressed than manic( I have no mood in between) When I'm manic I am a crazy cleaner! More ocd than anything, I stay up all night scrubing everything (sometimes more than once). But when I'm depressed (which is more than not) I really don't care, I clean by putting things in boxes/totes and my room is full of crap I take from other rooms to hide. I even go as far as throwing dishes away b/c I can't bring myself to do anything w/ them. I understand where you all are coming from and I wish I knew how to change but I don't think it ever will. Good luck!

[Julial]

I used to be a fanatic about cleaning the house. My main concern was what would the neighbors think, Oh God the repairman is coming, and a some ocd was going on as well. Twenty-five years later, I don't care what the neighbors think, the repairman could give a flip and the ocd has calmed (a little bit) so I'm calmer about the housework. I put myself on semi-schedule for the weekly things and wing it for the rest. After all, I have better things to do with my time such as...well, nothing!

[notz]

My 20 year old, out-of-town gran-niece will be staying with us for 2 days a week while she interns in the governor's office over the summer. She's lovely, smart and ambitious.

I told her...spouse and I have been together for as long as she's been alive and we're unaccustomed to people staying with us, but we're looking forward to having her here. I warned her that we can be fastidious about some things and not give a flying crap about others...so get used to it and love us anyway!!!

The only hard and fast rule is the kitchen must be good and clean. That's me. I go nuts if it breeds germs.

[la doctora]

Oh how I hate housework! I try to stay on top of things so I only have to do a little every day, but when I am depressed I just don't care if it gets done or not. And then things pile up. Luckily my sweet hubby will pitch a little in when he sees that I am overwhelmed. I am just not "suzie homemaker". I don't think I ever will be. I hate cooking too. I know I should just buck up and cook but I would rather make sandwiches and eat cereal than use the stove. My poor hubby wants me to cook more too, but he doesn't give me a very hard time about it and fends for himself when I am not in the mood to fix something. Someone mentioned something about doing it out of love. I like that. It's probably the only thing that would motivate me into doing better, but I don't know if even that would motivate me.

[Sabrina]

I am the complete opposite and have hesitated to respond to this thread because of that. I cook and clean for my husband and son and love it. I would be lost if I could not care for them in this way. My husband goes out of town frequently and does not even pack his own bag. Everything is done for him.

My husband does not help with any housework but then again I am home all day whilst he is working. (Ok, I work from home but I still have hours to spare).

If we have people over and it is late, he will help me in the kitchen as he knows I just can't leave dishes for the next day.

I love my life and do housework every single day. It is often a real chore but I would not be happy if things were not the way I feel happy them being. If that makes sense.

Maybe this all works for me because I am truly doing it out of love. No other reason. I just love to care for my family and they (well, 12 year old son, maybe not) really do appreciate it.

[Elana05]

Interesting thread.
I think depression does make things that are normally hard even harder. It's interesting to see how we all differ, though. Sure, not everything can be attributed to our parents or how we were raised... But I grew up livin with my single mom (just us two). She never seemed to mind housework all that much and the chores even spilled over into mowing, fixing things, even minor home renovation (which she loved). So housework and fix-it projects have always been a source of independence and pride whenever I have the energy for them. However, my mom always acted as though her day job was a necessary evil. She was always complaining about her jobs, her bosses, basically how awful it was. So now I don't mind housework, but a job to me? Always makes me feel like slave labor (well put, Martina).
Slave labor:
Working against one's own will.
Right now I'm trying to figure out (in therapy) how to get back to feeling self-possessed and free while still being able to earn a living at a job. Might it be similar for you? How do you keep your independence, feeling free to choose, feeling like this has not been forced upon you?

E