Fiancé

So my fiance didn’t want to get married so soon. I told him I was scared to lose him because I’ve been hurt so much before that his “I promise” didn’t mean anything to me. I needed proof pretty much, proof that he would stay, proof that he really loved me, and that he wanted to spend his life with me. The conversation went on and he told me “I’ll never leave you” I hugged him then pushed him away and I responded with “then why have you left me before? All this fighting and breaking up is childish, I feel like I’m 16 again. Do you know how much it hurts me when you refuse to talk to me for days at a time? Do you know what goes through my mind each time you run and hide? You tell me I need to open up, you tell me I need to trust you, but how can I when I’m so scared I’ll lose you. You overreact to little insignificant things and refuse to talk to me for days. You also make it hard to talk to you about anything because you always have such a strong opinion. I’m so scared something I say or do will make you leave.” He said “you just need to trust me” I said “how can I when I’m scared you’ll leave me?” He then said “what do you want then?” I can’t just trust, it’s hard for me to do after all that I’ve been through. He’s told me that for how long we’ve been together I should be able to trust him, but I just can’t. I want to trust him, and I do to a certain extent, but I’m just not to the point where I can fully trust him yet. Is that so wrong?

Now we’re engaged and I don’t think he’s too happy about it. He eventually did want to marry me but not now, not like this. I mean we are very much in love, don’t get me wrong we are, but he doesn’t seem content. Trust is still shaky as I have to earn his trust back and I can’t seem to open up to him about much still. I should be able to tell him everything shouldn’t I? He gets upset because I keep things from him but I have a good reason to. I’m still scared of losing him, even now. I’m scared he’ll overreact and that will be the end of things. I don’t know if he’s ready for commitment but I sure am. I love him and only him and want to spend my life with him. He wants to spend his life with me but I’m a bit unconvinced. He says he truly does want to, and I absolutely believe him but something is making me unconvinced, even a tiny bit. Perhaps he can’t help but overreact to things and maybe I should be more understanding but I can’t just leave him alone when he’s upset. I get even more scared when he’s upset or is refusing to talk to me. When that happens I just don’t know what to think. When he’s upset he won’t talk to me at all, and I always give him time but nothing is ever solved because he avoids talking about it ever. He refuses to go to therapy with me, dismissing it as “rubbish anyone could do” and calling me foolish just for suggesting it.

I still need that proof and calling off the wedding well that could possibly mean losing him. I don’t want to have problems with him anymore, I don’t want to fight, I want to open up but he makes it so difficult to do at times. I would like the spend my life with this man but he doesn’t seem to be putting any effort into fixing things, and if he is putting effort into it then it isn’t fixing anything, just making it even more complicated for both of us to figure out.

Most of the time he makes me feel so special, like a true princess. He makes me laugh and smile when I think it’s almost impossible to do. I love who he is from the inside out, but is the overreacting and fighting enough to pull us apart to the point where we can’t be together. It drives me crazy when he refuses to talk to me after a fight or threatens to leave. When he isn’t doing that I’m madly in love with him, well I’m always madly in love with him but well you know what I mean. I get so upset and sad and I feel like giving up. But the times that I hurt, that my heart aches, that I feel dead inside because of him some how seem all worth it because of how he makes me feel otherwise. I don’t know though, I’m so confused. Is it wrong to want proof that he’ll stay?

Now I’m starting to think it was wrong to push him towards marriage but I need that stability, that bond. He said it was fine, and he proposed. I’m happy with him but the pain is getting to be too much at times. He won’t really talk about our engagement in detail, I’ve asked him before if it was rushed or too soon and he said “no, it was what you wanted and I am fine with that. I love you and want to spend my life with you.”

Any thoughts on what I should do?

Quote:
I don’t know if he’s ready for commitment but I sure am. I love him and only him and want to spend my life with him. He wants to spend his life with me but I’m a bit unconvinced. He says he truly does want to, and I absolutely believe him but something is making me unconvinced, even a tiny bit.
Hello, Liz. You both have trust issues. If you absolutely believed him, you would not be posting. He is upset that you do not open up to him and responds with the silent treatment. Then he says, "Trust me."

You seem to think getting married will make the trust issues go away. It will not. He will not go to counseling, I expect because he is too insecure. He does not seem to appreciate how harmful his insecurities are. Yet, you say you have to earn his trust back.

http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Crucial...onship&id=2136

If this relationship is going to work, both of you must be willing to acknowledge the concerns of the other, communicate better, and face the challenges with the commitment to resolve them.

Good luck.

"When he’s upset he won’t talk to me at all, and I always give him time but nothing is ever solved because he avoids talking about it ever. He refuses to go to therapy with me, dismissing it as “rubbish anyone could do” and calling me foolish just for suggesting it."

I've got to say, I take that as a major red flag, right there. Therapy is not "rubbish anyone could do," or else it wouldn't exist as a business, would it? And him calling you foolish for making the suggestion.... that would make me very nervous, if it were my fiancé saying such things.

Plus, problems need to be talked out. Unwillingness to do so is another warning signal.

Anything that annoys you a little, now, will drive you stark raving bananas once you're married. Please proceed with caution. If you go through with marriage, with these problems in place, things will only get more difficult.

KeepHoldingOn,

I hate jumpimg onto bandwagons, but the very first paragraph of your post concerned me.

I am speaking from personal experience when I warn you that having a ring around your finger will not change a thing. Both people have to be committed to make a serious relationship work. (Married or not) When one feels vulnerable, that adds stress. Both people have to work through the stress together, to strengthen the committment and faith in one another.

You being stuck in fear ~ fear that he isn't truly completely committed ~ and him growing resentful for your constant need of assurance isn't real good. Adding to your fear is his tendency to withdraw, rather than talk about what's bothering him. He NEEDS to talk about how he truly feels, rather than putting a cork in his mouth (as it will certainly explode!). It's a teeter-totter ~ love/fear/hate. Yikes!

Please do seek out some professional help to make it through the pain that you seem to your find yourself engulfed in. Perhaps your finace will join you in the journey of self-improvement. I hope that he does. You both need to make some changes before I'd recommend making a date for the wedding (or going any farther in the relationship).

Very best wishes to you!

Sorry it’s taking so long for me to respond, I haven’t been in the right state of mind to do so. I’ve spent hours staring at the blank screen trying to get myself to write something but words seem to slip my mind. I keep trying to rationalize everything, make excuses so his actions will some how be “right” or “good”. I’m trying so hard to do everything for him, sadly I can’t make him love me. Right now I’m not sure if he really does, only that he feels obligated because of the baby on the way.

Byz- You’re right, he is insecure. I know being married won’t make those issues go away, but I’m hoping that if we are he will be forced to face the issues that are presented to him. Having to earn his trust back is based on the fact that he thinks I have lied to him. He’s so insecure he blames me for things without really thinking it through first.

Love- It’s not new to me though, I’m used to him saying that kind of stuff to me. He doesn’t say it often but I’ve had to deal with enough in my life time from a lot of people which has trained me to deal with situations like that. I don’t know why he is so unable to talk things out with me. I won’t bite, I swear.

Shez- Again I agree it won’t change anything if we’re married or not. Trust me I want to work out the stress but he won’t allow me to help. I’m committed to him, or at least I think I am fully. My fear is a build up of being scared of losing him and perhaps other things as well. He talks about how he feels but he dismisses it as unimportant. No matter how much I tell him it is and that I need to know, the more he hides.

I just need someone to support me right now. I’m unstable, things aren’t always easy for me, but I want someone to love me for who I am.

Liz,

Have you heard of the words "Control Drama"? This is so classic it was like reading it right out of the book.

I could write for ages on it but that won't help, and I'd only be giving James Redfields words anyway not my own. So I honestly suggest you read The Celestine Prophecy.

It is the one book that explains the controls that people use over each other, in the simplest of terms that are easy to understand.

I wouldn't be trying to get into a marriage when the relationship you are in is already so complicated and tied in knots; I really think you need to sort yourself and your insecurity out before you complicate it even further,

Best Wishes,

Rhi

Liz, trust is so basic to a relationship. Right now the trust is not there.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/35198

Wish you the best.

He avoids conflict when I confront him about an issue but he has no problem pointing out my mistakes right away and blowing them out of proportion. I’m just so lost and confused. He says he doesn’t hide anything from me yet he won’t admit to me that he is mad. I don’t automatically assume something is wrong, however, he is not very convincing when he tries to lie to me or play it off as nothing. When I ask if something is wrong he says “no, bye” and won’t talk to me.

If I break down and cry enough he will come to me and tell me he won’t leave me. An example of this is in the first paragraph of my very first post. When he sees how vulnerable I am he scoops me up in his arms and calms me down. He says everything will work out, that we need to communicate and trust. For a while after my breakdown things get a lot better. He is more understanding, loving, he tells me everything. He’s the perfect guy during that time. The problem is as soon as something upsets him again he goes back to not telling me what’s wrong. The process repeats itself, almost like it’s a never ending cycle.

I’ve heard about The Celestine Prophecy but never read it. Thanks!

Byz- I know it is and I’m trying to make it so that he understands where I’m coming from, the trust issues I have had in the past. Each time he says “I’m not like any other guy, you should know that by now! You should know you can trust me”. I know trust is essential to any good relationship and I’m trying to establish that, I just hope he would really try as well or at least make it easier for me to trust him.

((((( Liz )))))

Thanks Byz I really needed that.

I’m so confused still...

From personal experience: DO NOT MARRY A GUY JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT! I got pregnant with a "casual" boyfriend when I was manic and it was a horrible, horrible experience. He sounded much like your guy. Extremely insecure. Very controlling (not sure if your's is). Huge anger problems. Trust issues. I could go on and on. He deftly manipulated me into a horrible situation and it took me until my son was 1 1/2 years old to get away. Now I am stuck dealing with this idiot for the rest of my life.

I tried to gather how long you've been together, but I couldn't guess... how long were you together before you got pregnant? Was it a serious relationship before? If I am being rude or asking too many questions, just tell me.

It was definitely serious. We have been dating for about a year but we have been discussing marriage for months now. There’s something about him I just don’t want to let go of.

I'd advise you to really think if you consider a 12 month relationship to be a serious one. Discussing marriage for months is frightening! It is something that should be talked about for a number of years before you take that step. And if things are not rosey now don't think for a moment that they will change just because you get married.

You have a lot of issues to deal with and I don't think you are emotionally stable enough to take on a marriage when you can't handle a relationship of 12 months. Marriage is supposed to be a life time committment but if you aren't secure enough to cope with the relationship now, please understand clearly that marriage isn't going to magically heal all of the issues and problems and it doesn't mean that the relationship will be better than it is now. There are more pressures in marriage and I honestly urge you to think before you leap into something that isn't a sure bet no matter what you think,

Loving thoughts,

Rhia