[seeker1950]

Most of my adult life, I've found fault with my ex husband and felt HE was the cause of the failure of the marriage. Only recently, within the past 6 months or so, have I begun to acknowledge that I was at fault also. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret divorcing him after 20 years, but I recognize my own shortcomings. This is not in the form of self-recrimination so much as to realize how ill-suited we were for each other, and also how much I lacked in self-awareness of my own needs. I was like a feather floating around and attaching myself to anyone and then trying to adapt, trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip.

It's kind of freeing to come to this kind of realization. I have the same feelings about the post-divorce dating relationships in which the endings found me wallowing in self-pity. Rather than seeing myself as a victim in these debacles, I now see that I was a full participant who stayed much longer than was rational. Hindsight is great!

Just wanted to share!
Patty

[manu-la71]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

Most of my adult life, I've found fault with my ex husband and felt HE was the cause of the failure of the marriage. Only recently, within the past 6 months or so, have I begun to acknowledge that I was at fault also. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret divorcing him after 20 years, but I recognize my own shortcomings. This is not in the form of self-recrimination so much as to realize how ill-suited we were for each other, and also how much I lacked in self-awareness of my own needs. I was like a feather floating around and attaching myself to anyone and then trying to adapt, trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip.

It's kind of freeing to come to this kind of realization. I have the same feelings about the post-divorce dating relationships in which the endings found me wallowing in self-pity. Rather than seeing myself as a victim in these debacles, I now see that I was a full participant who stayed much longer than was rational. Hindsight is great!

Just wanted to share!
Patty

Good you see that, one step forward.
hope you do well

[lynn P.]

I'm glad you're at peace with this revelation. I agree most couples are at fault - as the saying goes "it takes two to tango". Sometimes couples are just mix matched - it doesn't mean either one is a bad person - they just don't blend well together.

I'm all for amicable splits(unless there's abuse) - that way each one won't go the rest of their lives resenting and regretting.

seeker1950, may you find peace and forgiveness.

[emotiguy]

I'm all for amicable splits(unless there's abuse) - that way each one won't go the rest of their lives resenting and regretting.

So....Lynn P.....are you saying that in cases of abuse the split can't/shouldn't be amicable? ....just curious.

BTW...thanks for the confidence pic....it is great!

[emotiguy]

I want to share that facing my own flaws has been very difficult, but also rewarding because I feel like I am in more control of my emotions and actions now. I have ADHD...untreated...and probably borderline as well. I drove my wife away from me by being all over the map emotionally. She never knew what to expect from me, and I felt like no one understood me. Now she is gone for good for 9 years and I still feel sad about missing the opportunity to learn about my personality issues during our early years together. I would have done something about it....gotten help or something. I have caused a lot of hurt and pain in my marriage due to rash, impulsive behaviors that might have been prevented with treatment.

I suppose everyone has some regrets. While owning one's flaws is a great first step, the second should be forgiveness.

[purple_fins]

That's wonderful.

while playing the "victim" can be of some comfort... it sadly can keep one stuck in a rut... where seeing ones own role in a situation-- can reveal power they perhaps never knew they had. (hope that made sense!)

Great work

fins

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there seeker,

Isn't it just wonderful to realise and accept who you are? Once we do that we can work on those things and gee it brings peace! The peace that envelops one when they actually are able to say "I really know and understand myself!" is actually almost elating. Rather than having to hide behind who our ex told us we should be or what we should be like or what we should do and say etc.

I know I am far from perfect but I have peace knowing who I am and what I am. Sure I get really bad depression and anxiety, I have chronic panic attacks and the occasional seizure; but I know that it is a brain illness not something someone else did to me not something that I did to myself it just is. So I don't blame anyone else, and I don't blame myself I just try to get through one day at a time as I am because meds don't do a huge amount. And knowing brings understanding, which brings peace...

I think you have achieved something major, great work,

Rhiannon