[salukigirl]

I know you guys are probably tired of this bc, personally, Im tired of talking about it. He was sooooo miserable every single day. All I heard was once he gets a job he will be less stressed and actually happy. So what happens? He gets a job and still comes home angry and miserable. I went around and cleaned the house, did the dishes and made dinner to show him I appreciate him sticking with a crappy job and to try and make him happy and he snaps on me because I found a couple better jobs that he could apply for while he is working this crappy one. Then says that he doesnt wanna have to think about applying for jobs right after he gets home from work.

So heres a little recap of my lovely day:
I get to work at 8 a.m. where I either do physical labor (i.e. cutting down trees or hauling off logs) or I sit behind a computer screen all day until my wrists hurt.
Then I get home, clean and make sure dinner is ready when he gets home.
In between making dinner and him getting home I search for more, better jobs for him because I know he hates this one.

What kind of appreciation do I get? yelling. Yelling and pissy looks. Im so tired of him being friggen miserable every single day. Do I looooove hauling off logs in 100 degree weather?! Do I love sitting behind a desk and staring at a screen all day?! Somehow I do all of that and his one day of working was just too darn stressful for him to even clean up after himself. All night its "can you get me a beer?" or "can you get me a soda?" He was directly in front of the tobacco and still asked me to get up, get it and roll him a cigarette. Am I a friggen slave now?

But at the same time, I know he wont do any of the stuff I just listed so if I dont, then I go hungry or the bills dont get paid. If I dont find jobs and email them to him every single day, he wouldnt even have a job now. I cannot friggen wait until our lease is up and I move out. Im going to call our landlord and ask if he has any one bedrooms open next May. AGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[perpetuallysad]

Oh Saluki, perhaps you should talk to your landlord about one bedroom apartments now. I know from personal experience that living with someone after its "over" is an absolute nightmare and will definitely not help you feel any better. Maybe you could find a roommate for him, so he doesn't have to leave (which I personally feel is amazingly kind of you if you choose this route) or find a roommate for yourself and tell him to leave.

Huge hugs to you. I know that he doesn't appreciate it, but I think its wonderful that you are so good at taking care of yourself. I remember when I used to be independent and I miss it desperately.

[salukigirl]

The problem with that is that he cant support himself right now. I cant make myself move out or kick him out when I know he couldnt afford it. He couldnt even afford the uhaul to move back in with his parents. I really do miss living on my own. And I see other guys be so sweet to their gfs and hear my friends tell me nice things their bf did for them and I think "man, I wish he would say/do things like that". Or on shows like Bridezillas or Say yes to the Dress they interview these couples and they all have really nice things to say about the other. If you asked me right now why Im with him still I really couldnt give you an honest answer. All the reasons we got together have gone away. Like he used to go out and talk about anything or take me out to dinner or a movie. He used to do goofy things just to make me laugh. Now whenever he does something he claims is "cute" I usually think its disgusting.

Thats another thing. I feel like he just doesnt respect me at all. I ask him constantly to stop making certain jokes (i.e. the woman jokes like get in the kitchen etc...) and he always apologizes but never stops them. Then he gets mad when I say his apologies dont mean jack to me anymore because he will say "im sorry" then do the exact same thing he apologized for the next day. Or groping me. I swear to god the guy cant hug me without touching either my boobs or my butt. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, he always does it. Then apologizes. Then does it again 10 minutes later.

But Im so neurotic I cant figure out if its him being disrespectful or me being a prude. Because whenever I tell him to stop he tells me I need to lighten up and not be so prude. Whos the wrong one? I dont feel like Im prude but if anything ever upsets me, its never his fault, its always me overreacting.

[perpetuallysad]

OH MY GOD, I just typed like 3 paragraphs and then pressed back somehow and lost it all... I'll try to remember what I was saying.

You shouldn't jeopardize yourself for someone who so clearly doesn't want to change nor want help. You have been giving him a lot of slack and a lot of chances. He chose to move to AR with you, you didn't force him. If he cannot get home, its really not your fault, you aren't married, you don't have children together, I personally do not think you should hurt yourself like this for someone who is clearly ungrateful and, quite frankly, sexist and degrading. Groping you against your wishes is bad! And the women jokes would nearly make me homicidal, so I truly understand why you are pissed. You are working hard on making your life good, don't let that get side tracked because you are stuck taking care of him.

I know that's all very cold sounding, but considering all that you have been through in the last 6 months with him, I think you've given him plenty of chances. Were he kind to you and caring, I would never suggest leaving him (or kicking him out) but he doesn't seem to appreciate you at all.

I hope I am not being to bossy, that's a terrible trait of mine.

(PS my husband's not talking to me right now. Ah, just love relationships!)

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Saluki,

From what I read I tend to think that you are not prude, you just don't like the guy and when you don't like someone their aggressive advances and groping you like you are a horse in a sale yard isn't going to endear him to you any further.

When love dies it is usually the one who it dies for first who gets the heebiejeebies when their partner does things that make them feel ill embarrassed angry or worse contempt; when contempt steps in you know it's over and you seem to be there now.

I wish you strength, personal power and fortitude

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

salukigirl,

you are not responsible for your boyfriend. i'm sure his parents will give him the money to hire a u-haul home if you break up with him and tell him to move out. i know it wouldn't be easy to do and you'd feel really bad, but i doubt he'd want you to stay with him out of pity. i can't imagine anyone wanting that. if you break it off he will be okay once he gets over the initial shock. of course he'll be angry and hurt but that is understandable. staying with him when you just don't love him anymore is actually worse for him--and certainly you--in the long run.

[Perna]

I would make it a little less easy, a little less comfortable for him. Stop with the personal services! No you are not a slave and doing little, personal things for him only counts as loving care if you initiate it. Wait a week or so and give him an ultimatum to start pulling his share or get out. Cut your losses. It will hurt you but less than the strain of the relationship?

[lynn P.]

I'll be honest Salukigirl - you've been having problems for a while. I think we agreed your BF is spoiled and lacks motivation. You will haul logs to make money - I bet he wouldn't do that. He's waiting for a job that tickles his fancy, rather than getting any job for now to make money. If he was on his own, he would have to find a job fast in order to eat. I think you need to move on your own ASAP. He will either get a job to support himself or move back to his parents - I doubt they'll like his attitude either. He knows you'll support him, so he takes it easy. I think deep down he's lazy and feels entitled from the way he was raised. I don't think you want to struggle with this in the longterm and bring this into a marriage. It's like you have to be his parent. Sorry to sound like a downer.

It's not your fault he can't support himself. That's his problem. You've done more than enough for him already, what with being his personal slave and all, and now he should be responsible for himself.

Take care of you.

[salukigirl]

Well he just called me and woke me up and when he asked if I had been sleeping and I said yes he goes "ahhhh must be nice" like its so terrible that he has to get up at 6 am.

I told him that if he doesnt have fun at work thats his own fault and to quit being so whiny. Im going to see if some people in my lab want to go out to dinner or the bar after work tonight so I dont have to be around him when he gets home.

I did start looking up apts in the area. Im gonna ask around to what landlords are terrible before I sign something. And I do have a friend with a truck so I wouldnt have to use a uhaul but him and his wife are on their honeymoon (ironic huh? lol)

Thanks guys. Your posts are making me get mad instead of cry whenever he does this crap. I have told him before that I know I dont deserve this and that there are plenty of people out there that respect me and love me the way I am but somehow he always weasles his way back in......Im trying really hard not to let that happen anymore.

[thunderbear]

I don't have any advice. Just letting you know I'm right there with ya. I knw how you feel

Originally Posted by salukigirl

\ Im going to call our landlord and ask if he has any one bedrooms open next May. AGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

But I can say this about the above. You won't be breaking your lease is you switch apartments.

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I have told him before that I know I dont deserve this and that there are plenty of people out there that respect me and love me the way I am but somehow he always weasles his way back in......Im trying really hard not to let that happen anymore.

STAND YOUR GROUND!!! Do NOT put up with that kind of treatment. When he thinks he's losing you--or when he actually has lost you--expect him to be really nice to you for a while; that's the pattern. That's *how* they weasel their way back in. But it's an act, until they have you where they want you--right back in the palm of their hand again.

(I am not talking about men in general here. I am talking about abusers, which can be of either sex.)

[salukigirl]

That was another thing. I feel like the way he talks to me and treats me is considered abuse but he doesn't physically hurt me.

Well now that I said that thats not entirely true. Like one time I was laying on the couch and he kept sitting on me when I asked him to stop so I gave him a little slap on the back to get him off of me and he turned around and slapped me. If I wouldn't have put my arm up he probably would have hit my face. And a couple other times. Like he will be joking around, Ill ask him to stop, push him off or away to get away from him and then he retaliates at me retaliating....... Like if he cant have his way he just goes nuts. He will start cussing and yelling over nothing. Then tell me that I raised my voice first and thats why he is yelling. Is that still abuse?

[perpetuallysad]

Um, yes. In my opinion that is definitely abusive behavior. I am very sensitive to abuse, so it may not be construed as abusive by someone else. Restraining you by sitting on you is just as bad as tying you up or something. You pushing him off of you is not retaliation, it is you protecting yourself. Uhg. I am really sorry you are having to deal with this!





Edit: I just realized this was my 1500 post (I talk to much).

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

Um, yes. In my opinion that is definitely abusive behavior. I am very sensitive to abuse, so it may not be construed as abusive by someone else. Restraining you by sitting on you is just as bad as tying you up or something. You pushing him off of you is not retaliation, it is you protecting yourself.

I agree 100%... When someone does not respect you or respect that you are saying "hey, stop, cut it out." Yes, that's abusive. They're not listening.
You might try to imagine if your situation belonged to a friend... How would you view the situation? What advice would you give her? Sometimes that is helpful for me when I can't see the situation (I'm in) anymore.

E

[salukigirl]

Yeah, if one of my friends were in my place I would tell her to get out.

My heart is pounding because he is about off work and I just got home. I hate being so anxious before he gets here because I dont know what he will do or say. I have gotten into the routine of just not speaking for the first hour or two that he is home just so I dont set him off or get screamed at. I feel so trapped.

When I go to turn in rent on the 1st Im going to talk to my landlord and see if he can help me out at all since Im already a tenant. I think if I broke up with him today he would probably just moved back home into his parents house, I dont think he would stay here. So Im going to ask my landlord what would happen if he left and I transferred my lease to a smaller apt because I dont know anyone who is looking for a roommate right now and Im really uncomfortable posting ads for it like on craigslist. Well see what happens when he gets home but I have a feeling its just gonna be another fight like always.

[eskielover]

I personally would finish off the relationship at this point & call it quits like I did with my marriage. Depending on the guy of course, it's possible to live under the same room, but in different areas of the house...you take care of yourself & he takes care of himself until you can work out the details of actually moving out & separating permanently. You don't have to do anything for him...you don't have to have anything to do with him & definitely with the way you feel so disgusted by him, you definitely don't want him touching you. If he wants a cigarette....let him roll his own....or he doesn't smoke. The only one who can stop you from being his slave is you however. Until you stop doing those things, you continue allowing yourself to be his slave. This is definitely not a good thing to become for any BF or husband. When we start being expected to do things rather than being appreciated.....that is when we end up crossing the line into being a slave. Not a good place to be in any relationship & not a good place to allow ourselves to get into either.

If you do end the relationship now, he will probably try to soft talk you into getting back together by promising you all he will do.....but actions speak louder than words & by this time, I doubt if there is anything he could to redeem himself.....that was the point my marriage got to after 33 years....the only way to go was out.

Remember, the only way you can stop being a slave is by stop doing the things that are putting you into that position....doubt that he is forcing you from what you have said. Stand up strong & stick to your guns & draw your line that is not to be crossed over in ending this relationship. What he does with his life is his problem.

Best wishes with this....but you really need to stand up & be strong for yourself & your needs.

Glad you have so much good input here

[salukigirl]

Yeah I know. I just feel like there really isnt a way for me NOT to. Like if I cook dinner for myself and not for him........ohhhhhhh I better be ready for the backlash. But if I dont cook it I wont eat because he never cooks ever.

Like I know he wont do it but I have to because its not like I can sit around and just hope he pays the electric bill. I know he will forget about it and, if he were on his own whatever, but this way it means I would lose electricity too. That kind of stuff.

You know when you get to the point with someone and you are just so frustrated and upset that you kind of wish they would be mean just so you have a valid reason to go off? Like I almost hope he does come again mad again because I have all this pent up anger and if he is in a fine mood, then its me bringing it up out of nowhere when things were good. Does that make sense?

You don't have to make that wish. He's already mean. You already have a valid reason to end the relationship. It's not necessary to "go off," but you can channel your anger into taking care of yourself and getting that good-for-nothing piece of trash the hell out of your life. Hoping my strong language doesn't hurt your feelings. It's just that I can't emphasize enough, how important it is to get out of such a situation.

Abuse is not always something that leaves physical injuries. Never mind him taking a swing at you, which is WAY over the line. Pay close attention here: Any time he's doing something that bothers you, if you ask him to stop, and he won't, that's emotional abuse. Even without the yelling and cursing over it. Just not stopping, is abuse enough. It is a blatant sign that he has no respect for you or your feelings. Plus the fact that he won't willingly help to pay the bills or do the chores--he depends entirely on you. That's abuse too. You exist only to serve him, and he won't let you have even common courtesy in return.

Do NOT fall for any of his sweetness when you break off the relationship. It is all false, and he will only abuse you again. Been there, done that.

[salukigirl]

That's the part I'm at now. I finally said I wanted to move out and he begged and pleaded but never even shed a tear. Then after a while he acted angry like he was mad that he didn't get his way. I want to believe him so bad but I don't want to get hurt again.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

That was another thing. I feel like the way he talks to me and treats me is considered abuse but he doesn't physically hurt me.

Well now that I said that thats not entirely true. Like one time I was laying on the couch and he kept sitting on me when I asked him to stop so I gave him a little slap on the back to get him off of me and he turned around and slapped me. If I wouldn't have put my arm up he probably would have hit my face. And a couple other times. Like he will be joking around, Ill ask him to stop, push him off or away to get away from him and then he retaliates at me retaliating....... Like if he cant have his way he just goes nuts. He will start cussing and yelling over nothing. Then tell me that I raised my voice first and thats why he is yelling. Is that still abuse?

It sure as heck is abuse saluki! Just get him out of there you shouldn't have to suffer the way you are because he's spoilt. I think you are being too nice in being concerned that he can't support himself financially. I believe he is using that as an excuse and he truly believes he has you controlled and under the thumb.

Any kind of abuse is not acceptable under any circumstances. Get your apt back and then when the lease is up move if he is bothering you. Or take out a restraining order against him.

Bullies need to be tasting their own medicine methinks

Rhia

Originally Posted by salukigirl

That's the part I'm at now. I finally said I wanted to move out and he begged and pleaded but never even shed a tear. Then after a while he acted angry like he was mad that he didn't get his way. I want to believe him so bad but I don't want to get hurt again.

Do not believe him. It is a tactic. Stand your ground. Keep saying that to yourself, over and over. And never mind him getting mad. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, it means he's an immature idiot who can't handle the fact that the world doesn't revolve around him.

PS: Don't fall for it even if he does cry. That's a tactic too.

[perpetuallysad]

lovebirds is totally correct. Begging is a tactic and so is crying. Ignore them. Remind yourself of the crap he does to you all of the rest of the time. If he valued your relationship he would be nice to you WITHOUT the threat of being kicked out. He doesn't want to lose him meal ticket/slave.

I know this is scary, but you have got to stay strong.

[salukigirl]

So we probably talk/screamed for a good 4-5 hours last night. He slept in the 2nd bedroom and actually got fired from his job today because he didn't want to work 14 hrs a day without overtime so they told him they didn't need him. Then the painters he was working for went to go paint this business about 20 mins away. When he got home, the business he would have gone to paint for called him for an interview and its a much better job.

He went on this rant about how dumb he was and how he couldn't believe he let it get to this. He said that I deserve about 1000 times better than him and he cant believe some of the things he said to me. I opened up about some sexual harassment which i think kind of hammered it in how annoying the sexist jokes are.

I told him I was going to talk to our landlord about transferring my name to a different lease when i turn in rent next week. He knows that I'm 100% serious. I was in the process of transferring his name onto bills for the house we are in right now and he just kind of sat outside crying while I was doing that.

So today so far he has been really nice and actually happy. He has been calling to talk and saying I love you every time he hangs up the phone. Honestly, I would be okay with just starting over completely. I feel like we moved too fast and it caused a lot of tension. Plus the fact that his old roommate was being a jerk so he had to come stay with me and I wanted to live on my own. I feel like that really put a strain on our relationship. And I kind of want to just back things up a bit. Like we went from dating to an everyday routine really quickly which I imagine played into him taking me for a granted because we had to skip a lot of typical dating parts from him being forced out of his house.

I brought up him possibly moving elsewhere for a job or phd and just taking it from there and he seemed more okay with that idea. I guess I feel like I'm not ready to just completely give up because I know Im one of the people who just wants to help and save everyone. Which I know puts a lot of strain on me but I can't help it.

Nothing can happen right this minute because most of the places that I could afford have already booked up for student coming back to school this summer. But I am getting the info from my landlord about the right path to go so that I don't end up breaking my lease and owing a bunch of money or anything.

Bottom line I am not taking anymore of this crap. I know that I have let it slide in the past and if I would have just spoken up and stood strong in the beginning I wouldn't be where I am right now. For the time being, until something opens up, apt wise, that will be the test. Now we're just kind of roommates I guess. I told him everything that I would absolutely have to see for me to even consider being with him so he knows. If he chooses not to follow through then I have my resources to leave when I have enough money and a house actually opens up.

[lynn P.]

Darn it -I wrote a long post and accidently pressed the wrong key and lost it.
You're handling yourself very well and I think no matter how nice he is - you should still live on your own. You can still be BF and GF and date. He needs to learn to survive on his own and support himself. I suspect he'll end up moving back home. Be careful not to fall for his begging and playing all nice - I bet he never said "I love you" after phone calls before? This is similar to the 'honeymoon phase' that abusive women go through. As you said in other threads, he went from living at home where his parents spoiled him and didn't prepare him for the real world. Your parents did prepare you and you were taught how to manage money. Regardless of his renewed behavior, I would still get your own place. Keep strong and you're doing well.