[isadora]

Ok my boyfriend says the i stare too much at other guys and im not i do my best NOT too stare at guys.. How can i prove him that im not staring at guys?? Cause i dont want us to break up cause i love him soo much he's my everything.

[Soul Quake]

Your boyfriend sounds controlling and paranoid. Stop allowing him to control you by doing what comes naturally. You're with him, not them. The issue here is lack of trust on his end, not your alleged bouts of "staring." Address that pertinent issue.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like you got advice from someone who's been there. be careful.

[isadora]

Yeah its great advice thank you so much

[Belle1979]

Sometime controlling behaviour seems "loving" at the start.. jealousy, wanting to know what you are up to all of the time.. etc. In the end (usually after you have escaped) you come to realise just how controlling he has been.
Take care and lok after yourself xx

[isadora]

Thank you belle1979 take care tooo

isadora, he is never going to stop unless you stand up to him. You have talked about this dear love of yours many times. If you wore a blindfold while you were out, he would still find something to pick about.

You have to love that guy a lot to put up with his bogus demands. Too bad he has not figured this out.

[NuckingFutz]

Someone once told me that the first thing an abuser will do is to isolate their target. At first, this can seem flattering (wanting you to check in with them, controlling the amount of time spent with family and friends) as this illiminates the target's support network. Then the real fun begins. Every little problem becomes the "fault" of the target. That strong protective person becomes controlling and shows a quick temper. One someone show's jealousy, it does not really have anything to do with love. There are a lot of times when we realize too late that some protectors become our tormentors. Just some things to watch out for.

[isadora]

I can say the he is very jealous. Sometimes he gets mad for little things and yes iits been going since a long time. Thanks everyone. Ill be very care.

[NuckingFutz]

Okay. If you want to arm yourself with a little knowledge, there is a really good sticky about power and control in relationships. Seriously though...we are not trying to be flippant or unnurturing. We are trying to help keep yourself safe. And I wouldn't be worried about him breaking up with you, he knows he has you but at this point, if you tried to break it off with him, you couldn't pry him away from you. These people are cowards and need to maintain the illusion that they would leave...doesn't happen. Happy reading!

[isadora]

And you know what he said if i dont change soon he will break up with me.

[NuckingFutz]

A control tactic to keep you in line. Covers up his fear of loosing you. People who love you don't validate your insecurities. Keeps you right on the edge doesn't he? Just when you feel loved and secure and protected and safe...then WHAM, outta no where he pulls your chain again. Then you have to prove something or convince him to get that safe love feeling back. And pretty soon you are jumping through more hoops then Patty's Prancing Poodles. You are a human being and he is using dog training techniques here. You deserve to be treated like the precious human you are! Trust me, this guy does not have the babes lining up for him, but he sure will convince you he does. Another hoop...

[isadora]

Your right. Well i cant complain he treats me good he has never try to hit me cause if that happend than its over i would never be with someone who will hitting and treat me like a trash. But he is not like that

isadora, emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse. Robert Burney says this:

Emotional abuse is Heart and Soul Mutilation

Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound.

"although i was only emotionally abused, my father was physically abused.

There is not such thing as only being emotionally abused - I have heard many horrifying stories of physical abuse and the most damaging aspect of the physical abuse is the emotional abuse it causes - when we say "I was only emotionally abused" it is the disease minimizing the trauma we experienced. Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse - the most damaging aspect of physical, sexual, mental, etc. abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by the people that we love and trust. The other types of abuse can add more levels to the healing necessary but the bottom line is the emotional abuse and it's effect on our ability to Love and trust ourselves. In fact, being only emotionally abused can sometimes make it much harder to get in touch with our issues because it isn't always blatant and obvious. Some of it was very subtle - some of us were abused and shamed by the way they looked at us or said our name or did not see or hear us - on a daily basis."

Perhaps your friend is not being as good to you as you think?

Good luck.

[NuckingFutz]

So are you just trying to get past the part where he stops threatening to leave you? I would like to be more supportive but am confused. Maybe tell about the things you like and that work in the relationship...then we have more to go on. Safe hugs, NF

[isadora]

Your right byzantine you get more hurt by your feeling. NF he doesnt trust me at all he thinks in the future ima be a cheater. And i want him to trust me and he thinks that when i stare ill be checking out guys and im not. I want to make him see that im not like that i want him to trust me, and i want to stop staring at people what sould i do? Thanks everybody for all your help =)

[NuckingFutz]

It is just up to you to learn about emotional abuse. Like I mentioned earlier, it sounds like he always has yet another hoop for you to jump through. You really can't fix someone else's problems. He has trust issues. Most people I believe are good, but sometimes their issues get in the way. I figure, if anyone else were in your position, he would be treating them the same way. He can't trust. You can't fix this. He could if he saw it was his problem. What is it he wants you to change about yourself? Why not find someone who loves you for who you are instead of having to go through all of this? Do you know that you are worth loving just as you are? Or has he convinced you that you are loveable if only you would (fill in the blank in pencil here as the reason will change to keep you walking on eggshells). I care and I think you deserve better. Time to learn about self esteem and how he is chipping away at it. I care. I have been where you are. If this comes across as harsh, I do not mean for it to at all. Hug!

[isadora]

He says that i dont show him my love, he thinks im talking to someone else and im not.

[NuckingFutz]

These are his fears projected on to you. You can't stop doing what your not doing. So he can break up with you at any time for something you have not done. Are you prepared to go through this?

[isadora]

No honestly im not i dont want him to break up with me cause i know ima be in so much pain if he leaves me. My heart will be broke and i know ima cry alot and miss him so much

[NuckingFutz]

He knows of your fear of him breaking up? If so, he has you right where he wants you. You will do anything for him not to leave you. He uses this fact to keep you where he wants you. So tell us, in what ways is he good to you?

[isadora]

Well he treats me good he has never cheat on me he care about me and he loves me alot. He says he wants me forever.

[NuckingFutz]

If he says he wants you forever, why does he keep threatening to break up with you. I am just confused. Does he mean you have to change first before he wants to be with you forever? In what other ways does he want you to change besides the staring thing? What if you asked him to change or you would break up with him?

[isadora]

Well he wants me to change before he can live with me. Thats the only thing he wants me to change and prove him that i love him and that i want to be with also that i will never cheat on him, and i will never do that. He has asked me if theres anything that i want him to change. He saying he feels like i dont love him nomore. I love him soo much.

[Belle1979]

As I am not in you situation i can only offer an opinion.
Your guy seems to be playing mind games isadora.. Why should you have to change? Either he loves you for who you are or he doesn't. People don't change and why should you? You sound like a loving, caring and special person.

Hope it works out the way you want xx