On being supportive

I'm quite sure this is not in the right forum but I'm not sure there is a right forum for my question and ultimately, it is about relationships and about communications and this is certainly a place where people in relationships come. So here it is:

How do you give support or advice to someone regarding love based questions when their definition is different from yours?

PC is about support and really, I want to be supportive but I find that I'm not very good at it - or at least I am not as good at it as I would like and I want to get better. I do not, however, want to get better at being supportive so much that I am willing to lie or blow smoke.

When someone comes on and says, "I need some advice. I love my husband totally and unconditionally with all my heart but he has this little mole on his left pinkie toe and it's kind of grossing me out. Should I leave him?" I have no idea what to say. And I know, some of you are thinking - that's ridiculous but I've seen stuff on here that seems just as ridiculous, at least to me.

I mean, she obviously thinks she's in love with him and they're compatible on some level or they wouldn't have gotten together in the first place so there's a very good chance that their emotional maturity is in the same zip code... I mean, if somehow I ever found myself with a woman like that and she told me that I'd be like, "Yeah, no you should absolutely leave me. I understand completely, have a nice life." but maybe they're meant for each other. I mean, maybe he's asking his friends if he should leave her cause she put on 12 pounds or is only a C cup.

Yes, I know I can keep quiet and move on to another post - that is not the point, I would like to learn how I can be helpful to those people whose posts I find myself avoiding now. I've seen some posters do it and am mightily impressed but despite seeing how the answer might be right for the original poster, like a math problem where they just put the answer and didn't show their work, I find it hard to duplicate. How do you do it?

Think of it this way - You only read what people put out there in the message, right? So there's a lot of pieces to the puzzle missing. When someone's looking for support they aren't looking for someone to solve their puzzle, they are just looking for someone to say "Hey, perhaps if you turn a piece clockwise instead of counterclockwise, (i.e., using a method you may not have used before) it could change the outcome" or even asking a question to better understand where the person seeking support is coming from to open up the dialogue a bit more is all the support that person might need. Sometimes bringing up questions will encourage a new perspective in others. To give support, in my opinion, is simply to show that you are willing to put yourself out there in a compassionate way and to get to know a bit about another person, whether it's in one fleeting instant online or something that turns into a friendship.

The best thing about giving support is that you don't have to be confident in yourself to do it really, you just have to care about another person's well being. And after giving what support you have to offer, you may even feel better about yourself for doing it.

I think, sometimes we can overthink when looking for a way to post to someone and be supportive. I think sometimes all it takes is a "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear you are having this issue. Have you spoken to so and so about it and done some brainstorming?"

In this way, you are showing interest, you are giving supportively of your time and it may help someone think further past their nose. I know when I'm in a tizzy, it's hard to see past my nose to a solution LOL.

We don't have to necessarily connect with another member and their issue to be supportive. But I think in responding supportively, even if only with a hug, we can all learn something from one another.....from there, you may have more to say than just a hug

I have had the exact same issue. I am learning to be more emotionally supportive myself. I did not have that modeled for me growing up. Everything I am learning about emotional support I am learning on PC and from 2 of my sisters who are learning from their therapists. It feels ackward but it is becoming easier to do as I care about so many people on here. Hope this helps a bit. Hugs, NF

Sunflower,

I'm truly grateful for the response. I'd like to ask a question about the highlighted portion of your response. I do care about other's well-being, but candidly, not trying to ruffle anyone's feather here..., if you come on here and tell us that your boyfriend yells at you and puts you down then you are pretty well guarenteed to have a bunch of people tell you that you should leave him and that you deserve better than that.

How does everyone know that? If I see this person here on PC and they are extremely sensitive, often misunderstand others attempts to help, attack whenever they feel attacked etc... then there is a pretty good chance that these character traits are present in her relationship and she's being a bit abusive too. If so, then, depending on how you look at it, they either both deserve better - or neither of them do. I lean toward the latter camp - I think they probably deserve each other, not to be mean but they are equal.

pfft... My examples are awful today; let me just say this: I think that often the only compassionate response is a tough love response, but that isn't seen as compassionate or supportive. Sometimes what passes as compassionate and supportive looks an awful lot like enabling to me. It's so easy to jump right in there and give a 'me too' response but it seems almost like encouraging the same behavior that likely got them into such a position in the first place. Does that make sense?

Thanks sabby, I see some good stuff here and I'm going to think on it and practice some. *s*

Thank you, it does. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that has struggled with this.

AK,

You read my mind from yesterday. I just wanted to say "If hes so wonderful why are you sharing all of his bad points with us when you won't listen to what we say anyway?!

I ended up saying the usual "poor you" which is what the person wanted to hear any way so that she could print it off and wave it in front of his face saying "look they all agree with me"

Cynical as that seems it is the truth...I decided after that, that I would be truthful but as positive as I could be or not respond at all if I felt any frustration with the person so as not to cause them pain, and not to cause me the frustration of being deleted because somone wanted to get even with me because they don't understand what I was saying or didn't agree with them...

Support can be a minefield, as I have found out, say one wrong word and you are judged...And to think my soon to be completed Ph.D is Holistic Relationship & Family Counselling & Therapy aswell as the impact on vulnerable personalities of certain types of unrealistic counselling....

I wonder after being a trained RN, completing my BA my MA, and seeing & experiencing what I have and now being 3/4 through my Ph.D. what perecentage of people would truly listen to any counselling, cog therapy or psychotherapy, because it challenges people to think and act in a way that opposes their ingrained thinking & actions....

Rhia

I saw you in the relationship forum, clicked on your name and saw you were viewing my thread. I started a PM almost begging you to respond; I see/sensed that you've experienced some of the same challenges and was really curious at to what you would say. Thank you very much for sharing.

Hey AK,

Thanks for your post; in fact what you have done is support me by your response and I really appreciate that.

You see (and I'm sure you're aware of this), as co-posters we are in a relationship and though I'm qualified to a degree, doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and that I don't need support when I put my points across.

The situation I involved myself in yesterday I did so because no one else seemed to want to. I guess people were trying to absorb what they had read, before they commented...thats understandable because the author was literally in 2 minds.

Please dear Sabby don't take this the wrong way, but the "I'm really sorry this has happened to you/you feel thi way" etc seems to me to be a platitude and even tough I've tried to use it and others I just can't feel that those words are supportive because they seem so banal.

It's my natural inclination to want to help and to want to explain things; I'm not always right and I don't always succeed I am well aware of that but we are here to help each other and I think that is where we all come from, the compassionate desire to help,

Rhian

I have thought about many of the same things, AkAngel. I will even acknowledge doing that of which you lament.

Being informative and supportive at PC has built-in limitations. We will always have only one side of the story. We are not be able to confirm the veracity of the speaker. Even if both sides were presented, what we end up believing will remain subjective. It has to be subjective because, again, we have no external facts to rely on.

So, as you mentioned, responses to a large extent involve the personal impressions, feelings and opinions of the poster. There are going to be disagreements. As long as the disagreements remain supportive, the original poster should benefit from a more thorough airing of the concern.

More and more, I skip posts if I do not think I have a proper response. I often do what _sabby_ talked about.

Good question.

AkAngel,

I totally see where you are coming from, and I think it is wonderful that you are aware of the risks of enabling vs. being supportive rather than just showing support without thinking through what sort of affect it may have. Support can mean being on someone's side, encouragement of a certain behavior, and even just to let them know they are not alone. But I do think that support giving should very much be something that the supporter thinks through before sending or just commenting because it does contribute to the one who is seeking support. We have no control over whether that person takes it with a grain of salt or for truth. It's totally fine if you want to say that you are feeling just as crappy as someone else says they are feeling, but maybe balance that out with a positive comment to show them (as well as yourself!) that those crappy moments are just moments.

For instance, a first time gardener might have the worst time starting out a garden, and this might really bog them down. But as long as they keep educating themselves and applying that new knowledge to practice, their garden will eventually grow. (That was my attempt at changing up "the grass is always greener on the other side" cliche, but I believe it. I think it just takes reminders and consistent will to keep working at it )

Really well put sunflower

Rhia