ugh -- feeling helpless with my marriage

I've been married for five years and we've always had problems.
We were separated for a few months about three years ago. During that time, she fell in love with someone else. Then we got back in touch and back together.

She has been seeing this guy on the side since then. At one point, she moved in with him out of state and since that time, moved back in with me and then moved out again, this time not with him but somewhere close. He has since moved back in state and lives somewhere near her.

This has been the hardest thing I've dealt with in my life for the last three years and it contributed in a large way to triggering my mental affliction.

One thing that makes things difficult for me is that he has been violent to her at least once that I know of.

He suspected she was seeing me again and tonight just showed up at her place unannounced. He lifted her cell phone and wrote down my number. He called from her number and left a message.

The last time he called me, I didn't hear from my wife for six weeks. He had hit her right after he called me and she wanted to wait for the contusions to clear up before seeing me again for fear of what I might do if I knew he hurt her. She told me about it many months later.

I did hear from her later this night and he had departed without injuring her yet I know he's been threatening her conditionally...if she sees me again. But she's unwilling to attempt to get a restraining order or seek help from the police.

She has also kinda pleaded with me to never send the police out to her location because her landlord might take serious issue with the police showing up on his property.

It would appear there's not much I can do, except divorce her of course...get rid of her from my life. But when I took the vow "for better or for worse, till death," I promised to stay with her no matter what. It is now "for worse" yet I am going to honor my vows.

Hey there WLFTW,

You are in a situation that would make your blood boil and your sensibilities turn tail. Your wife is obviously in an abusive relationship but won't do anything about it. That has to be the msot frustrating and scary thing for you roght now and then there is that little fact of you loving her.

I think you need to buy a new SIM for your cell phone and call her from the number he doesn't have. If he answers ask for someone else that way she is safe. But she needs to talk seriously about how this man is treating her and what she wants for herself.

All I can do here is support you and hope that she comes to her senses calls the police and gets an order on him,



Rhiannon

Thanks, Rhiannon

This has boiled my blood. I have done many crazy things as a result of my inability to cope with my situation.

There's nothing like the feeling of watching your spouse leave the home and get into another man's car.

I can't imagine being in a situation like this. Please keep in mind that the ball is in her court and at some point, I would think, she will realize that she has to make a decision to honor her vows also or move on. I hope that it works out for you. This is not the first and won't be the last marriage to deal with infidelity. And sometimes it actually works out in the end and people move past it. I hope that will be the case for you.

Thanks for your kind sentiments.

The three of us have been waiting for that decision one way or another now for a few years. We met at a support group for people with bipolar disorder..so she has it and so does he. She is majorly depressed and he is irritable and hostile at times as well as a bit paranoid. This situation has exacerbated all of our mental health issues.

Your wife's not keeping the marriage vows makes the contract null and void. You love her but are now staying by choice and it can destroy you. All you have is "you" and allowing your own destruction is not healthy. As painful as it would be to leave, I would, rather than allow myself to be destroyed. You cannot help these two, grown, people in any way and they are hurting you.

Your words are spot on.

I do see the contract differently though.

You have made your choice. Even though the marriage has been problematical, I shall not attempt to dissuade you.

I happen to agree with the following sentiments about love from 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I certainly understand wanting to honor your vows. I will never dishonor my vows to my wife. So that you might believe that I am coming from a place of deep respect for you honoring your vows and that I mean what I have said about never dishonoring my own, let me share that my wife is in her twenty-third year in prison. I understand for better or for worse.

That said, and in my opinion, it is time for tough love. Being in such a situation is not healthy for any of the people involved. I would not divorce her but would no longer enable her to persist in behavior that is unhealthy for her. If she wants to leave the home and get into another man's car, then I would tell her that I love her, I wish she would not go, but if she does go - don't come back until it is finished.

This is not about keeping a record of wrongs or being self-seeking; this is about not making it easy for her to continue hurting herself. You may find that putting your foot down is more difficult than standing by for the status quo.

That's an amazing tale, your wife being in prison for so long. Now that is commitment.

You know, I know that for both (all three, actually) of out mental health concerns, someone needs to put their foot down and a final decision made. To be honest, I am not sure how to put my foot down. I've tried to in the past, unsuccessfully. Everyone is hurting and she's in a dilemma as to who to hurt more. It is rather scalding that the choice isn't easy for her.

AK You've done it again...you are one powerfully in touch and intelligent person...

Rhiannon

Indeed!

I have a recorded voice mail of him threatening her and I'm not sure what to do now, or if there's anything I can do. He said "I'm gonna have to hurt you...you won't know how or when but it's gonna be bad." There were also a couple of insulting remarks I won't add.

I figure going to the police would be a waste of time since (a) she's not willing to go through the motions to get a restraining order and (b) it's not like they're gonna put protective detail on her.

I thought about attaching the recording to an email to him with the subject line "insurance" and saying solely something to the effect of "you shouldn't go around threatening women." Doing something like that might trigger his wrath even more though.

Feeling helpless...


Winston

Hi, Winston!

What about just going to the cops with the recording and asking if they could send someone out to talk with him, quietly, about the consequences that could flow from his acting on his threat. If they'd do it, wouldn't that tend to cool him off?

Take care!

Thanks for responding.

I'd love to go to the police.. and when I do, I want my wife to be there with me. She is very afraid of him...keeps saying he's capable of anything. My dealings with the police in this matter have been rather unproductive. I don't know if the threat itself is illegal in my state. When she gets back from the mall, I'll talk to her and ask her what she wants to do with this recording. I mean, she helped me get it from her cell phone to my computer...so I think she wants me to have it for some reason. I don't think she wants me to know what he said and then just sit on that information. We'll have to talk it over.

Do you know if your wife is taking medication for the Bipolar? Is she seeing a therapist? Are the three of you still going to the Bipolar group?

I am wondering if your wife sent you the voice mail of the threat because she knows what he is capable of and fears for her life?

One avenue that might be worth exploring is an involuntary commitment. There must be proof of a mental illness and a danger to herself or others. The Bipolar will suffice as the mental illness, especially if she is not taking medication. My thought is that arguably she is a danger to herself by staying in an abusive relationship. The voice mail may or may not be admissible at a hearing. Nonetheless, I think you may use it to bolster your petition to have her committed.

Commitment may only be a short term solution. Even so, it should accomplish two things. First, your wife will be reminded of the necessity of tending to the Bipolar. Second, there will be a court record of the voice mail threat.

I wish you well.

I pray that she will see how much you love her...I pray that she will be healthy enough to give you that love back. Take care of yourself and know that she is blessed to have you for her husband. I'm sorry that I have no answers or advice, but I am so blown away by your devotion. That is uncommon in this screwed up world. Blessings and good thoughts for you both. Wishing you and your wife a very, very happy ending.

Thanks for the replies. She does take psychiatric medication but I believe she has been misdiagnosed and actually has depression only.

I would say that if anyone needs to be put away, it's him. I looked it up and in my state what he said on her voicemail constitutes a criminal threat. He has also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In fact, the three of us met in a support group for people with bipolar disorder.

That support group disbanded several years ago.

According to her, it has been months since he took medication.

I'll get a better read on what she wants to do when she gets back tonight. I know she's very afraid of him though I don't yet know if she's willing to try to put this abuser and stalker away for his misdeeds.

Good luck.

Thanks!