I push others away...can anyone else relate to this?

So, I have always struggled with relationships and I have been dating this really great guy for 2 months now. We have been seeing a lot of each other and I am scared cuz I actually think I have found the right one for me. It's apparent that he loves me (I love him too) and he treats me so good. Yet, here I am again trying to sabotage a good thing for myself. He actually calls and texts me everyday and always makes an attempt to communicate. He also wants to see me every chance he gets and I am really happy with him. He told me he wanted to come over tonight, but I said he shouldn't cuz I don't want him to see me like this. Then, he said I understand and he said let me know if you change your mind and wanna come over here. That made me feel kinda hurt that he did not insist on coming over anyway. :-( I feel confused. I feel like I should be alone, but that might only make me feel worse. I also have other things stressing me out right now such as being a full time college student (I haven't been doing too well lately with that) and having a full time job. It's a lot more difficult than I thought to juggle all this stuff.

We didn't even have a fight until a few days ago. That was our first real fight. A fight that was started by me really and I feel bad cuz it was something that should not have mattered at all. I got all upset cuz he told me he thought that one of my favorite movies of all time was just okay and he didn't really want to watch it with me cuz he had already seen it. I don't think I was being fair getting all upset and overreacting to opinions on a movie, but it was moreso the idea that he wasn't willing to watch it with me that hurt. I would watch any movie with him even if I didn't like it. He told me after the fight he was willing to watch it with me, but I declined and said I didn't wanna watch it anymore after that. I let the fight go on for about 3 hours and I kept getting all down on myself and talking about hurting myself. I didn't really wanna do that looking back, but I now think I did as an attempt to push him away cuz he has been getting so close to me. I have no idea why I do that. I don't really think it's cuz I am afraid, but I don't know. Maybe it is. Does anyone else here do this with people? I could certainly use some support on how to get through this. I used to see a counselor for my problems, but I stopped going to her cuz I simply could not afford it anymore. I have medical insurance and even with that, it cost me a $40 co-pay each visit. :-( If it wasn't so expensive, i'd go back. My medical insurance really isn't the best so it would be the same no matter where I go really cuz that is the co-pay for a specialist. I just really don't wanna end up pushing this guy away too.

Hello, Melinda. Maybe this article will provide some insight:

http://www.queendom.com/advices/advice.htm?advice=345

Be well.

(((Melinda)))

Thank you Byzantine!

Melinda, My father committed suicide when I was 8. My Mom never trusted a man enough to ever have another relationship.

I have spent my life looking for someone that could fill that hole in my heart...I will be 47 years old next month and have just realized that no one can do that.

I have been in relationships, but always expected to be abandoned...so...I left before that could happen.

You are still young and I hope you will not waste your life looking for someone to fill the hole in your heart. Only you can do that.

Much love to you,
Susan

Hello Melinda,

2 months in a relationship is less than a honeymoon period and though you have the initial feelings of euphoria I don't think it is love just yet. And to be honest I don't think you putting yourself down and your threats to hurt yourself was pushing him away as much as punishing him for not doing what you wanted, and for hurting your feelings.

I know those things are real and are things that you do because they are part of your illness; the way that they are done and what they are used for that have just as much importance.

When you do them because you want to punish yourself for being whatever it is you perceive yourself to be, that is one thing; to do them to punish someone else is another entirely. Look at that and work out where that came from.

It is obvious (even if you can't see it), you want to be the power holder in the relationship (passive aggressive to active aggressive). Believe me there should be no such thing and you should both have a say in decisions no matter how simple those decisions are.

You are a person with just as much right to love and happiness as anyone else, but wouldn't you rather have a relationship that isn't based on pain? Where ever the fear and devastation came from that urges you to sabotage relationships, I really hope you conquer it and win. You are worthy, you are able and capable of having a long term loving, giving & receiving relationship...you just don't know how to. So it is time to learn.

Look at the very basis of what damaged other relationships, what was it? Anger? If it was anger then you need to go to the very time that the anger started and work on it. Make yourself the one in control and put the anger to rest. If that means forgiving someone you vowed never to forgive then so be it. There are lots of things you can do to make yourself ok...even if you do one thing at a time ...we are here to support you in doing that...

Good luck,

RHiannon

Yes. I do this. I have done this, a lot, through my entire life. And the issue you're describing is becoming a huge problem in my 1-year relationship, and is the main reason why I finally registered for this forum.

I have been seeing therapists for the past 3 years, mainly because I have the luxury to do so (my health insurance thru work pays for such things, for which I am eternally grateful.) Some of my therapists think I sabotage my own happy relationships because there is a history of alcoholism and addiction in my family, to the extent that that I connect love with codependency. The other therapists I've seen think I'm simply not ready for a serious relationship- that I'm too focused on career, friendships, traveling, etc- and so I end up pushing away anyone who gets so close they could interrupt those things. Does any of that sound familiar to you?

Personally, I do think I am affected by all those things that have been suggested to me, but I don't agree with either of those theories 100%.

What I think is happening to me, and may be happening to you, is this: for some reason, I feel that all human relationships end. Inenvitably. I can get along with friends pretty well and have long-term friendships because I don't feel so emotional about friends- I'm not so "aware" of how much it would hurt if I didn't have a certain friend in my life anymore. But with romantic relationships, especially when they start to get really intimate, I freak out and start to push them away because I can't stand the idea of breaking up and also having to deal with detaching that person from my life. It seems to make much more sense to keep that person at a distance than let them get so close that they have the power to hurt me. The only thing that can make me feel comfortable is having my significant other fight tooth and nail for me, and I become immensely sad and disappointed if he doesn't do that.

Ultimately I think it's all about REALLY looking at what you're doing and REALLY seeing what's happening. You don't need a therapist or counselor to do that, but you do have to be ready to be honest with yourself. If you're not ready for a serious relationship, don't get into one and then chastise yourself for not being ready for it. If you're pushing a wonderful man away, question whether you would REALLY be happier with or without him- he may not be that wonderful, or you could realize that you're done pushing him away and you don't want to do it anymore.

Sorry this is so long. Right now I'm pretty much just thinking out loud, because your question brought up so much for me.

Thanks for the fantastic insights everyone (especially Rhiannonsmoon and onemoreplease). I can understand your points of view and I really appreciate you taking the time to provide your opinions of my issues. I really believe that you can love somebody right from the start (and it doesn't really matter how long you've been together) because love is a strong feeling shared between two Individuals where as you can't see yourself without that person and when you're in love you are willing to sacrifice and compromise all you can to be with them. Deep down in my heart, I am willing to sacrifice and compromise for this Man and I can't imagine a world without him in it. I see a good bit of him and yet I never tire of it. I have been seeing him almost everyday during our 2 months together. We probably only skip 1-2 days a week due to other things going on each week (such as I have class on Tuesdays so we usually don't see each other then). He truly is fantastic, but he's human so he has typical faults. Everyone does have faults and those are little things I will have to learn to cope with. They aren't major and I am sure I can learn to cope with it, but like everyone does, I get annoyed sometimes with a person I spend a lot of time with. I have had many fights with my Mom before, yet I know I love her.

We've had one fight in 2 months really and I don't think that is bad at all. I have to also mention that during the fight I was already feeling angry and aggitated cuz I wasn't having a good day so some of that may have been taken out on him. The thing is when I am feeling upset in any way, I usually think about negative past events. I have a difficult time letting go of the past especially when I'm angry or depressed. I tend to bunch a lot of negative past events together and it all adds up and makes things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I can get downright confused and not think clearly when I am in a depressed state of mind. I hate it! Really, I have just recently started feeling depressed again and I think I attribute a lot of it to stress that's brought on from my job and school. The main cause for my depression is not how he treats me at all and I end up thinking/worrying about the future waaayy too much (especially considering that we've only been together 2 months). These past 2 months have been the best I have ever felt. He ended up calling me as soon as he got home from work last night and I explained my feelings to him and cried a bit and he told me he understands cuz he's been really depressed before as well. He ended up coming over last night and when he came over, I felt so much better. I began to think clearly again and I felt like I could take comfort that things are really going to be okay between us. I don't believe I have as much of a desire to push him away as my past bfs. My past bfs gave me more of a reason to because they didn't treat me as good. I can see now that if I wanted him to watch a movie with me then I should have just asked nicely and then offered to watch something he wants to watch with him. I don't want to have all the power in this relationship, even though it may seem that way and I probably wanted to in past relationships. I honestly feel like I want us both to be happy and I want to consider his thoughts and feelings as well. Just like most men, the thing he needs to do is open up to me a little more, but I tell him when I feel he isn't opening up enough and then he does share things with me so I can tell he's making an honest effort.

onemoreplease, I can totally relate to you on both those theories. I think you could definitely be right that I connect love with codependency and I dislike going through breakups. I don't really think I desire to push him away cuz he's interrupting with other things in my life. I know I feel so strongly that all I really look forward to anymore is spending time with him. I loathe time apart from him and I don't want a lot of it. Even if I plan on just laying around doing nothing (like last night), I prefer to do that with him. I am already thinking about moving in with him, but I want to be careful not to make that jump too quickly cuz i did that with my last ex and things did not go well there. At the same time, I recognize that this is a very different and much stronger relationship than my last one though so I don't really wanna compare it with past ones. This really feels different to me and I truly believe he's the one that I want to be with forever (if it's even possible to stay with someone forever). I know it seems crazy to some people, but I know people who have moved faster and moved in only after knowing each other like 3 weeks (they are still together and doing well 2 years later btw) and I believe it can work out if we commit to each other early on. I think you can look to others for advice and opinions, but you are the best judge of your own relationship.

I may be passive aggressive when I am depressed, but that doesn't mean I am always that way. When I go through periods of clear thinking, then I love to give to others and It isn't all about me. I basically become a different person and it's really hard to be around me when I get depressed. That is what depression does.

As long as you feel the happiness, and can see where you are going to and where you have come from then you are doing well...

I think that whatever else happens, no matter what others think if you feel it is love then that is what it is. I didn't intend to belittle your feelings in any way so I apologise if that is how it came across.

I believe in attraction at first sight not love at first sight but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen just because I don't believe in it...

Rhiannon