[mrsbuttercup]

So I think one of my major problems that rukes my life is my relationships with my parents. My parents divorced when I was 14. First I guess I should start with how I grew up. My dad ruled with a belt and beat all of us, he firmly believed that we didnt need friends, and he was my best friend even though I felt like I could only talk to him for some things. My mother at this time was also abused and worked all the time. If she wasnt working she was sleeping or doing things my dad told her to do. Once the divorced, with I truly believe was the best thing that happened in my life, my mom partied alot and my dad went out on the road to be a trucker. So I moved out of my moms and moved in with my grandma and had a wonderful relationship with my dad. But then my mom called my alot and made me feel very guilty about leaving her and moving with my dad. So I moved back with her but in turn made my father very unhappy. Since then my dad barely talks to me, rarely comes into town and has told me he isnt proud of me, thinks im a horrible mother and Ive totally screwed up my life. I try to talk to him but he just gives a one word answer to general questions and I'm honestly I am very afraid of him so I dont push any conversation with him. My mother is in my life but creates havoc at every turn. I dont have any friends, other than my husband, so I feel like I have no one to talk to. So I try to talk to her when something frustrates me but everytime I do she creates havoc. And everytime I vow that I will not go to her with my problems but then I just do it again. I dont make friends easily because I am really shy and once I do make a friend I have a hard time keeping up with them. In addition to those problems I still let them rule my life. I constantly think what would my mom or dad think about what I say, do, or act. And if I do make my own decision I usually lie to, mostly, my mom about it because lying is easier than dealing with her lectures about what I should and shouldnt be doing. I feel guilty about not doing what she says because she helps me alot financially and with my children but I suffer emotionally for it.

How do I get out of these viscious cycles? I want to be able to do things that I want to and still accept the help she gives me without feeling guilty? How do I just accept that my dad and I dont have a relationship without feeling like a complete failure?

These things majorly affect my life and the life of my husband and kids. I just want to get past them and be able to happily live my life.

Any suggestions are very much appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((mrsbuttercup))))

Things really are turbulent for you with regards to your relationships with your parents.

One question I would ask is if you have a husband why does your mother need to take care of you financially? Is your husband the reason your father doesn't speak to you or is it because of your relationship with your mother? It all sounds involved and a little confusing...

I hope to help if I can so please don't take my questions as too personal, I'm just trying to work out the dynamics of your relationships,

Rhiannon

[REINE D AMOUR]

hi first you must take controle of your life,and take time for you and your kids , it is ur life ,

[rohshall]

Probably you don't see this, but your parents don't seem like awfully nice people to me. You need to get in touch with yourself, your emotions mostly your fears of people. Think (and feel) about how they prevent you from being a normal outgoing person. Only then you can truly access the damage done to you by the emotional abuse in your childhood.

[mrsbuttercup]

Thank you for all the support and advice.

Rhiannonsmoon, with my situation with my son I often have to stay 2 counties away when my son is in the hospital, which is fequently. He is 8 months and we have been home a total of 67 days since he was born. I also have a five year old daughter. I am unable to work and my husband owns his own business and works all the time. So my moms usually helps us with groceries or gas when I need to get back and forth and things like that. It not always financial stuff. she also helps take care of my daughter while I am staying over at the hospital and my husband is working. She doesnt usually provide alot of help but the help she does give she usually bring it up later that she always has to help me. And usually I dont even ask her to put gas in my car or get me grocery stuff. She just does it on her own. I tell he all the time how much I appreciate the help she gives me but she still says things that make me feel guilty about it. As for my dad he stopped talking to me long before my husband came along. And he doesnt talk to me now because, in his words, I am just like my mother. which by the way my mother always says I am just like my father. Truthfully I dont want to be like either of them. I just want to figure out who I am and be able to live my life without feeling guilty for everything. And you are right it is very involved, so I tried to condense it as much as possible because I felt like I had already written a book (lol). Anything else you want to know just ask...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

That cetainly is a sad situation with a lot of different dynamics trying to push their way to the top.

I think your dad is a little jealous of your ongoing relationship with your mum. And I think your mum does what she can but is afraid of it being missed (which it most certailny isn't), so she brings it up a lot.

You are you! You may have some genetic traits which asimilie to both of your parents but you are still you. You are unique in that regard and your parents are trying to punish you for having traits that each of them have..so who is it who doesn't like whom? It's not you, it is the other parent that they are taking a slice at.

You'll find a lot of support here mrsbuttercup, and I really hope your children realise what a great mum they've got...

Rhiannon