Frustrated

a) husband has managed his depression for over a year now, with the help of Lexapro and therapy
b) although he loves his Lexapro, he is awful about doing things like getting refills on time, making his own dr. appointments, etc. He was diagnosed with ADD and took Strattera for a while, his prescription ran out and he never manages to make an appointment with his new doctor, so can't get it refilled
c) so, he's been off Lexapro (cold turkey) for almost a week, and the bad habits have started again. I really thought with all of the therapy, he had kind of kicked them.
d) today, he has done NOTHING. N. O. T. H. I. N. G. even though we are under a huge time crunch to get some mandatory stuff done to the house before we leave for a vacation on Wednesday
e) I asked him to help and he said 'ok', but continued reading a magazine.
f) 1/2 hour later, he makes a call to get the Lexapro refill. The pharmacy number was apparently swamped, because he sat there for a good 5 minutes.
g) I suggested that he take the cordless speaker phone so he could get stuff done in the meantime. He said he couldn't do that.
h) 15 minutes later, he is still in here, laying on the floor staring at the ceiling, with the corded speaker phone on while I was trying to do my homework and watch/help the contractor rip out a wall.
g) so I couldn't fume and scream all kinds of obscenities, I gave up on my homework, left the room, and proceeded to do one of the tasks that needs to get done before we left. It's kind of a "guy" task, but it wasn't too difficult; however, I was still fuming because I was doing something that in my opinion, a good husband would have considered it to be his responsibility (assumption, yes I know. Not clear communication)
h) 30 minutes later (4:30pm), I go inside and he is in bed with the door closed. I asked him if his prescription was ready, and he said he hung up before they picked up. Why? Because I was being mean to him. Huh????????
i) he stayed in bed for the next hour
j) he came downstairs and apologized
k) I asked him to help me and he said he had to eat something. Didn't offer to get me anything even though we ate at the same time several hours earlier
l) I finished all of the "guy" tasks and came inside to find him sitting on the couch reading a magazine.
m) the therapist just called -- we had left her a message earlier in the day asking if we could postpone our appointment, because my husband said he thought we had too much stuff to do. Anyway, she called back and said she'd only charge me for 1/2 of the fee. All that and he still didn't do any work.

I don't know what to do.

Ok, I thought that after writing that, I would be calm enough to move the day along. We have a friend visiting and the friend doesn't go anywhere on his own, so he's been hovering over me all day. I want to get him out of the house, but I'm so emotionally stretched that I abhor the idea of being alone with him to go out. I asked my husband if he would go out with us as a favor, especially since I spent the first half of my day with my mother in law as she put her dog to sleep. He said no, he doesn't feel like it because he hasn't done anything all day. I said, well, why don't you just do something starting now; something that will take 10 minutes or 1/2 hour? He said: "why, what's the point?" Me: "because doing something for 10 minutes is more than doing absolutely nothing except looking at BMX races. He pushed past me, slammed the door (thanks for the public embarrassment) and is now back in bed. I'm numb. How is it that *I* keep ending up being the bad guy when I'm doing all of the f*@#$)ing work? What, am I supposed to be superwoman and NOT be upset by this? I feel like my freedom to be legitimately disappointed has been taken away, as though his feelings are overwhelmingly more important than mine. I don't know whether to cry or throw up.



And what's worse is that my friend is downstairs, can obviously feel the tension, yet does nothing to give us a little space to work this out. Or offer to help with things like housecleaning or some of the guy stuff -- so my frustration is compounded by two what-I'm-trying-not-to-call-and-give-them-the-benefit-of-the-doubt slackers. They have been literally sitting there all day watching me work.



And what's worse is it's unbelievable what a redneck I sound like. How did I get to this point where I even have slackers in my house????

Oh, I don't know what to say, but send you sincere, hugs and good wishes for better days. This has to be so very frustrating. I find men have a harder time accepting that they have a "problem" (like my husband) which makes our lives a living hell, more than theirs.
Hang in there, seems to me you are doing all the right things.
Lots of love and good wishes for good things to come.

DE

(((((((((((( LMo ))))))))))))))))))

LMo...hang in there,

I know its horrible advice, but I truly do think when you look back on this day with all these problems, you will smile and know that the good days far out weighted the bad!

((((((((((((((((LMo))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry. i don't see anything changing either until the friend leaves and hubby's "mood" changes. could he be grieving the dog or worried about something doing with the vaca? i don't know. also, you could ask friend to leave. i know that's more than difficult, but if he's not respecting your needs he should come back at a later time.

anyhow, my point is...you can't change them or their actions/thinking. it sounds like you are feeling the crunch of the massive upcoming vaca and trying to get it together with no one to help you, however, can control how you react...even if it's just for an hour. can you go out in the back yard, take a long bath, something to relax for a bit?

have you explained to hubby what you're feeling and why. have you told him that you're really feeling stress right now and could use his help as a partner and helpmate in your life? sometimes when hubby doesn't get it, i do that. i ask instead of what he calls "demand". he tends to get rebellious and ignores me when i do that. i've been learning to take the things that i can't do on my own, present them to him as the "issue", and ask what we can do about it together. it works so much better that way. i think he really feels like he's helping instead of "just another one of the kids around here".

i wish you well. i know how frustrating it is.

be safe,

kd

I also have sever Depression. It was one of the things that ended my marriage. I know what your husband is going through. Depression is a very sneaky condition. The person with depression will often unknowingly work to sabotage his own recovery. It may not seem fair to you but you need to make sure he takes his meds and gets to his appointment. If you can do that. the other things that are frustrating you will slowly disappear as he recovers. He will be more active and responsive to your needs. Just because he seems to be better on his meds isn't necessarily true. He needs help. think of it like he has Cancer or something like that. If he did would you let him skip his meds? Would you allow him to miss a Dr's appointment? It is hard on you I know, but it is far worse on him. He knows he is messing up. He knows deep down inside he is failing you. He knows he is failing himself. The more he fails the worse he feels. the worse he feels the more he fails. it is a vicious cycle. It is good that you can vent here. Please remember it is his depression and not him that is frustrating you.
tell that friend to get out! You need to be alone with your husband. You will only beat this if you and your husband work as a team. I wish you the best.

Hi Everyone -- thanks for your thoughtful and supportive replies, including those by email. I don't have any email privacy right now so I can't reply to those I received for another few days, but I read them and I thank you. You know who you are.

I have definitely tried talking to him about how I feel. When he's on Lexapro and stable, the conversations go semi-well. Not perfect, but certainly better than yesterday's. The problem is that he is exactly as Artist describes -- already feels like a failure and every time I try to talk about something I'm unhappy about, even if it has nothing to do with him, somehow it always turns into how he failed me in some way and it's really frustrating because it means I can't talk to him about ANYTHING without having to walk on eggshells; he is simply too defensive. Yesterday, after I posted the last time, I was at wit's end because I was late to meet our friends and my other friend who is visiting (who is also depressed and is struggling with an eating disorder and agoraphobia) was stalling so long that I was already late. My husband came downstairs, apologized, and said he would come with us but first he needed to take a shower. I got kind of choked up and stammery because it meant that we would be even MORE late, but I was still happy that he was coming... but before I could articulate that in a way that wouldn't upset my friend if he happened to overhear, my husband took my stammering the wrong way and flew into an uncharacteristic rage... screaming at me, throwing things; he broke a window shutter and ran upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.

I was positively mortified. Not only could my friend hear, but so could my neighbors who were entertaining guests outside. Plus, the thrown and broken stuff was everywhere. We are NOT people who act like this... I wanted to die of embarrassment. I ended up crawling into the bedroom closet, closed the door, and bawled my eyes out. I just didn't know what to do -- how do I explain what had just happened? My husband is the furthest thing from a violent man -- but he did this once before, which prompted an emergency psych. visit to a clinic where he was given meds and a recommendation for a psychologist who specializes in severe depression.

We patched it up for the purpose of getting through the evening and all in all we ended up having a good time out with our friends. I know... it seems bizarre that we could get past it so quickly but I really didn't know what else to do -- staying in the house alone with those two was the furthest thing from healing I could envision. He has apologized profusely today and explained how he was feeling -- the same that Artist articulated, and it's all stuff I know as he has struggled with depression for as long as I have known him, which is 5 years. The feelings are nothing new -- intellectually, I understand all of it. I have almost limitless compassion and empathy -- but I can't take care of everything. I know that it's hard to schedule appointments for him and remember refills... but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I trust him to manage it himself, then I get the "would you let him skip his meds if they were cancer treatments?". But if I get his meds for him, then I'm "enabling". I can't win. The stigmas get me coming and going.

My question is: when is it MY turn? When can I be the one to forget practicalities and responsibilities, and throw a tantrum or go back to bed when life doesn't work out the way I want it to? When will HE put his feelings aside because he sees that I'm upset and need comforting? Why do I have to keep both of us afloat?

I do all of the prescribed things to "take care of me"... yoga, socializing, my own work, time for me, etc... but it's not enough. I cannot tell you how tempting it is to self-medicate... but I don't have that 'luxury'. I know that it's really not a luxury but man, it feels that way to watch someone else crumble and not be able to do so myself because it wouldn't be practical or responsible. The recurring thought that feels the most comforting is putting my head in a vise grip and tightening it until my head smooshes and I don't have to think anymore.

Hi LMo,
I'm sorry you have had so much to deal with right now. I'm trying to prepare for a trip, too, so I know about all those last minute things. And having a guest at the same time? Ugh.

I also know what it's like to be the depressed person in a marriage, and my husband has said similar things and I would bet feels similar feelings as you. At one point, when he expressed frustration and was down on himself for not being able to help me enough, I suggested he start therapy to get his own support, because I was not able to provide enough support for him. It took him awhile to go, and it's weird for me to know that he pretty much talks about me and my stuff, but he said it is helping him to feel supported and to understand me a bit better.

It sounds like you really do a lot of self-care, and that's great, but I totally get the "when is it time for me?" issue. If you don't already, perhaps a short term bout of therapy for you might help?

And I hope hugs help....

((((JMo)))))

gg

((((((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))

i really do not know what to say sweetie..
I am at a loss ..

((((((((((LMo)))))))))) I don't really have any suggestions, but I do know how you feel. Sometimes, being the "adult" while your spouse is going through a depressive episode is very rough. I've been there, I know how much it sucks. PM me if you need to talk.

Thanks all... GG -- I would go to therapy daily if my T would let me. We're limited to once a week. We're doing better now -- I went with him to refill his prescription yesterday and he's easing back into it. Plus, my friend and I went camping last night so my husband got a little break and some time to think, which was good for him.

I'll be ok -- thanks for letting me vent. All in all, it's still better than a kick in the face with a golf shoe...

Ah, sounds like therapy helps. Hmmm, going every day...I'm not sure I could handle that. Sometimes I just feel like crawling into bed afterwards. Can't say I'd be very productive if that happened a lot.

Glad things are going better, and vent anytime.

watch out for flying golf shoes!

gg

Hi all -- thanks again for your support. We just had an emergency therapy session to discuss what happened so that we don't lose sight of it during our vacation, and it was hugely helpful. We both resolved to do some things differently and we reaffirmed that we were frustrated because we felt hurt by the one we love the most. So, onward and upward, I hope!

Love,
LMo

yay! Have a great vacation and we're thrilled to hear onward and upward!!

How fortunate to have gotten in with T for emerg. session. Glad it helped you both.

May you both rest, relax and gently communicate on yer vacation.

Hope is a good thing. Hang onto it and make room in your luggage or carry on for sure!

We smiled reading that you went with Mr. LMo to get refill. Wished we had a Mr. or Ms. __zh to go get our meds with us when we felt cruddy We know that was a very helpful jumpstart......keep cables ready but if his battery is dust then he needs to go in for check at docs because you can't keep jumpstarting him all the time...........every now and again is realistic with depression. Keep that hope!

Oh, Lord, LMo! You're talking about MY husband!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you come up with any answers, would you let me know? Me, I'm doing all the care giving like calling in prescriptions, doling out the meds, making drs appointments, etc. It's better than yelling at him. To top it all off, he's passive/agressive!!