apathy

She's lying next to me, falling asleep. We were in her basement about half an hour ago. She was IMing her boyfriend. They seemed to be having a pretty long conversation while she and I, who have been "in love" for something like a year and 8 months, sit on a couch saying nothing for hours straight.

So I got irritated, got up, and went up to her room.

She just came in a few minutes ago. She gave me a little nuzzle on the arm and said goodnight.

And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing right now. I just don't care about this "relationship" anymore. I don't really even feel like I can be friends with her. She makes me angry. I occasionally feel love for her but she hardly seems to return the feeling. And when I confront her about it, she gets either really sad or really pissed.

I really don't even know if I want to bother looking for a new relationship. I want what she and I used to have; someone to hold, someone I can feel passionate about, someone I can sleep with. But if I do I'll just end up in this bitter hole I'm in now, with no way out. It always does.

Hello Am,

It seems to me that you are distancing yourself from her so that you feel less and less; when you walk away you will no longer be in so much pain.

You sound a little peeved as well, which I think is reasonable in the situation. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave and if you feel bitterness when you think of her then that isn't a good sign.

I wish you luck with this situation,

Rhiannon

Hello, Amanda. What you describe is quite the enigma. You and your friend have been together for a long time. Yet, she has a boyfriend? Not a friend who happens to be male, but a boyfriend?

You say you feel absolutely nothing, but are angry and want the passionate relationship you and she used to have. That is not apathy. To add to the enigma, you show your mood is happy?

You list some very serious mental health concerns. Are you receiving treatment for them? Is your friend dealing with illnesses too? If so, is she getting help?

My thought is that the relationship is not going to get better unless you and she take better care of yourselves. You need to deal with the illnesses.

Good luck.

I feel your pain and I've been/am in a similar position as you. It's very inconsiderate of your partner to communicate with her BF while you're sitting together. Sounds like you're near the end of your relationship. What do you think is keeping you in this prolonged agony? You deserve better. I wish you peace and resolution.

TheByzantine -

Thanks for your concern.

My mood changes very frequently, often several times a day, but I'll try to elaborate more on my post. I wrote it pretty late at night and didn't take a whole lot of time to mull over it so it's probably not as clear as I wanted it to be.

When I said I was apathetic, I was feeling so as I sat next to her in bed, and when she nudged me and said goodnight. I neither loved her, nor hated her. I felt literally nothing. She could have been anyone lying next to me. But when I was talking about how she makes me angry, I mean that on an ordinary day dealing with her just frustrates me. That's why that feeling of apathy was so significant at the time. Instead of the usual anger there was just nothing.

And when I say I want what we once had, well, that should be understandable. I want to be happy. I've been spending a lot of time and energy fighting to have what we used to have and now that I see that's impossible, a part of me wants to find that in someone else. But I'm a pessimist. I'm convinced if I try looking for someone else, I'll just be in this situation again.

As far as my mood status goes, I usually forget it's even there. I change it now and then when I'm feeling a strong emotion I want to express, but otherwise I just don't even think about it. So, sorry for the confusion.

I'm aware I should be talking to someone about these mood issues. But I've been seeing positive progress in my behavior and mood just from changing my outlook on life and making various changes in my lifestyle.

Thanks for the concern and support, everyone.

I am 100% single and free now. I haven't cut off contact but at least I know for sure I no longer have any kind of commitment to her.

WOW that happened quick Am! I hope you are ok and are feeling strong

Rhiannon

It's been a long, loong time coming. I wasted so much energy trying to either end it or fix it and it all boiled down to a 30-second conversation. Strange how life works.

Hello Am,

How are you doing? I just wanted to remind you of something, and that is that no matter who you are, if you are single you are going to meet and love a number of people in your lifetime.

Eventually you will meet someone who wants what you do and is in tune with what you want for yourself.

You will be walking together and one day realise that you are walking in perfect timing with the one walking next to you and you will feel content and fulfilled...

Please just be patient