[lostandlonely]

I am 39. Single for seven years. In those seven years the longest relationship I had was a couple of months. For whatever reason I always seem to scare the men off. I met a man two months ago and was so happy with him. No longer lonely. We were both so happy together and it was the most amazing feeling. We both were enjoying the relationship and then out of the blue he ended things. This break up though came out of left field and was a real shocker. I really saw us together in the future...could see him in the long term because I had not felt that kind of connection with anyone in years and I KNOW he felt it too, or at least he sure acted like it. We got along so well, had so many fun times and laughs and were truly compatible and the chemistry was amazing. What more do you need? We just had a wonderful night together and I brought up the "relationship" question. We have been dating for two months seeing each other 2-3 times per week. He panicked and said he is not ready for the pressure of a relationship (feels pressured by me) and doesn't know what the future holds for us and then broke up with me cuz he doesn't want to hurt me. Too late! I am devastated and feel like he is making a huge mistake. We just planned a weekend getaway together and I finally started telling people about him, of course for it to only blow up in my face. He keeps saying we took things too fast and rushed and he can't just jump into a relationship that quickly and he wants to still see me as friends for now. I have no idea what to do. He says he cares for me and doesn't want to lose me or be enemies and wants to still see me but feels like something is missing and feels pressured to be in a relationship and he just doesn't want one right now. Mind you he has never been in a relationship longer than a few months and he even told me he has never been in love and doesn't fall in love. It's like he convinced himself of this before things even started with us but never clued me in. Now he is saying he wanted us to take things slow and start out as friends but he never said that before, and every time we were together he acted like my boyfriend (physically and emotionally and all of that) so I have no idea where that's coming from. I am so depressed and convinced I am unlovable. I really thought this was different. This was the first time I really felt like I was falling in love for the first time in many years and now I'm back to being the single spinster that I will turn into. I don't know if I should see him as friends and see what happens or what. I am so devastated and depressed I don't know how I'm going to get over this and how I will ever know when it's the right man because I really thought this time it was! I feel like it will never work for me, ever and I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

[Belle1979]

Sounds to me that he has major issue committing - to anyone not just you.
From what you have written you are so not unlovable, you come across as a wonderful caring person
Falling in love is wonderful, getting your heart ripped out is utterly painful.

Do you want to be friends with with? Would you always just be wanting that little bit more? And in doing that you may just miss out on finding "Mr Right" (I have to believe that such a fictious person does exisit ).
I tried being friends with my ex, because, and yes I will admit it now, I wanted more.. I wanted him to realise that he did still love me and come back to me.. no matter what lies I tried to tell myself at the time that was the motive.

Only you can decide what you REALLY want to do. My honest advice is to move on.. yes it's hard and painful but there are many more fish in the sea

Your self confidence has taken a hit but you can build it back up

Get all the feelings and thoughts out of your head, it helps in ways you can't imagine xxx

Love Belle

[Cowboybud]

**hugs**

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((lostandlonely))))

I agree with Belle. He has major committment problems and if you hadn't brought up the "R" word he may not have reacted the way he did.

He's got a right royal shock because he was just happy things being the way they were and when you brought up the R word which he was probably waiting for, he did his usual backflip.

Im so sorry this has hurt you but only you can decide what the right thing to do is; if you can handle being a friend that's ok but if he brings another new girlfriend into the mix you may become even more broken hearted...

Wish you luck in this

[YoungPilotAstray]

I only just found this forum and started browsing around. When I saw this post I thought I had to create a profile just so I could reply.

The behaviour you're describing in your partner is exactly how I have been acting for most of my life, until I finally found some methods to help me deal with it in the last few weeks (hence my interest for this forum).

Anyhow, what I'd like to emphasise to you is that this is not in any way, shape or form, your fault. You are not unlovable, you have simply had the misfortune of meeting one of these people who are like me. I have never been able to stay in a relationship for long either, not through any fault of the other person but simply because an anxiety so strong that it eventually results in panic forces me to finish it.

It was very hard for me to see how I could act otherwise, but then I found a book that totally opened my eyes. Unfortunately it's in Swedish (Hemligheten by Josefsson/Linge), but it's based on concepts like ACT theory, cognitive therapy and Mindfulness. I have also been recommended a book called The Happiness Trap by Harris (by the author of the first book, no less), which I've ordered but haven't yet read.

If you're still on friendly terms with your partner and he realises that he has a problem, maybe he'd be willing to take a look at some of this material. For me, it has been life changing. I'm only at the start of my journey, but I can totally see how these methods can make a change.

(I had included links to the books in this post but the forum wouldn't let me post links. I hope you can find more information on your own.)

My question to you, YoungPilotAstray, is how do you justify the hurt you knowingly inflict on the unsuspecting?

[YoungPilotAstray]

TheByzantine, I don't justify it in any way. I felt so much guilt about that I tried to completely avoid relationships. But it can sometimes be a very hard thing to do, when deep down, what you really desire is closeness.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...fect-partner-0
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...unhealthy-doub
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...y-relationship

[FeelingHopeful]

Young Pilot, I sympathize with you alot! I had a question,is there anything someone can do to help A person who feels like you do, so they know howmuch you care about them and wont leave them , no matter what?

[marjan]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through....but if you flip the side and think about it, you were able to have all those loving feelings in your heart again...and that's amazing....just unfortunately, this time you chose a wrong person....I just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing....It's all on his side...and the best thing to deal with him is just leaving him alone....He will come back to you....

take care
Marjan

[YoungPilotAstray]

FeelingSad, thanks a lot for your kind words, really appreciate it.

I don't want to hijack the thread though, I think the original poster is the one deserving of sympathy here right now. She must be feeling utterly dreadful, and I thought by sharing my perspective, it might make her realise that she's not to blame, but rather that her partner has a psychological problem. A problem that can be addressed if there's only willingness to recognise it and access to the right tools.

I would however love to carry on the conversation and reply to your questions. But if that's better done elsewhere in another thread, please let me know. I'm afraid I don't have too many answers yet though, it's quite a complicated thing to try and explain.

But in short, I always used to think that any emotion I felt was to be trusted, and was somehow a real indication of how I felt. So if I felt anxiety or pressure, or didn't wish to see my partner one day, I would take it as a sign that the relationship wasn't right. Or in the cases of panic, that I just had to remove myself from the situation in order to be able to live again.

The KEY insight has now been that some of these emotions are not what I truly feel, but rather my subconscious "relationship model" constantly throwing spanners in the works to try and prevent me from getting close. So the thing to do is to allow yourself to have these feelings, but keep doing the opposite of what they tell you.

I think it would take a VERY strong and determined partner to try and "fix" someone with my issues while in a relationship. I needed some very specific therapeutic advice to start to unravel this whole destructive mess of preconceptions and ideas.

By behaving like this, I have recently lost what with hindsight was the most amazing relationship I have ever had. We had exactly the kind of fantastic connection that lostandlonely describes, and I truly felt I loved this person. I did from the outset talk to her about my previous relationship problems and of what usually happens. She accepted this, and initially, things went really well.

But after about two and a half months, the intermittent anxiety that had been coming and going turned into constant angst and panicky feelings and I ended it just to be able to breathe. I was also hoping that we could continue seeing each other in some capacity as I still really, really liked her and knew I would miss her. Initially she took it well, and we discussed it amiably, but then things took a different turn and she felt the need to cut off in quite a harsh way. This made me really depressed, I didn't eat, couldn't focus on work and actually ended up in hospital one night after a strange physical reaction where I lost control of my body.

A few days later, I finally found the book that started to make me understand my behaviour. And through the tools it presented, it really made me understand that I truly loved my ex, and also made me see how I could deal with the anxiety the next time it arose. So I tried explaining all of this to her best I could, how I could change, and asked her if she was willing to give me a second chance, but unfortunately she said no.

Which is totally fair enough, and I respect her decision. But that doesn't stop me from feeling great loss, and great sadness over having messed up something that was so beautiful. We're now having a complete break and it's been tough.

I'm sorry about the long post, and for hijacking the thread here, but it sounds like a very similar situation to the one the original poster described, and maybe it could hopefully at least help to shed some light on the situation.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thanks Young Pilot, I too would love to carry on the conversation if you want to talk, you can pm me on here if its easier. Im sorry too, it was Lost and Lonely's thread, your right , we dont want to hijack it. I have alot of sympathy for Lost and Lonely, I miss someone very mmuch i was very close to also, its not the same as her situation but there are some similiarities, Lost and Lonely Im so sorry your going through this!! I wish i had words to make it easier for you, Hang in there, You are not unlovable! Its something going on with him, your a beautiful person. Please take care of yourself.

[lostandlonely]

thank you all for your kindness and advice. i don't know when i will start to feel better...i'm still totally devastated, sick to my stomach and hopeless. i just don't know why i have to attract these kind of men. why if they have these issues did they have to come into my life at all. i don't need it and don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't have it figured out but that is all i seem to attract.

[FeelingHopeful]

Maybe they came into your life because they need a sweet person like you Sending you a big hug!

[Envision]

Two things stand out at me here, the comments you made how you tend to scare guys away and your cooment that you seem to attract guys who don't have it all figured out. Some here think it correct to blame the guy for 100% of every relationship that doesn't work out, it simply couldn't be me. I think from your post that your're smarter than that. Why do you scare guys off? Just because you seem to "attract" a certain type of guy, does that mean you have to date or sleep with him? No. So that leaves the question why are you chosing the guys you do? It's more popular here to simply agree with the poster than provide insight that may help you make better decisions for yourself. I would concentrate more on your actions than trying to figure out his. In any event, I do hope things get better for you. Post updates to your situation.

[lostandlonely]

while I appreciate the above poster's comments, I never said it was completely the guy's fault. my point is that i keep attracting men who are emotionally unavailable. when you say I don't have to date them what are you talking about? the whole point of my post when I say I attract these types is obvious that i'm dating them...that's the point..that i'm dating commitment phobes. this is not a post about why i attract commitment phobes as friends, it is about why i keep dating these types so i don't really get what you are pointing out.

[marjan]

I have different perspective than yours lostandlonely!

It's not that you attract these types of guys, it's just simply you haven't met the right one.....

Two years ago, I was dating this guy called A. He was so handsome and I could see how many girls are after him....but, I was so uncomfortable in his presents....I could have felt something.....I don't know how to describe it......He was just a recipe for disaster....I could not even seat next to him without constant changing my positions.....I thought I'm going crazy....and he was telling me why are you moving without any reason.....he was right, but the point was that I was just not comfortable with him.....my mind would not stop wondering....I was feeling he will hurt me....and of course he did....when we broke up, it didn't take him more than couple of weeks to go with another girl....I don't want to tell you how devastated I was when I went to the dance class and I saw him coming to the class with the new girl....I could not breathe!!!! and I'm not in my 20s....I was 35 at that time....and now 37!!!!
Anyway, long story short....it didn't take him even couple of months being with that girl, and they got into fight or whatever, then he started dating that girl's best girlfriend who was her roommate....when I found out....I thought, how lucky I was to not have him.....I would go crazy if the guy go after my girlfriend.....that's too much....
to say all these....I spend more than a year wondering why? I wrote a lot here....I spend so many nights not being able to sleep.....constantly thinking about him.....It felt my brain got a virus that is repeating itself.....
But then I stand up, I told myself, there is nothing wrong being alone.....It might be not that great and awesome, but still I will survive and it will be good....That's how I start going to gym, hiking again, swimming, dancing and meditating.....working on my thought process, trying so hard to stop thinking about him....and I succeed....although it took me a long time.....
So, just be patient and try to stop all these negative thoughts and accept the life as it is and have hope in your heart.....give yourself time....and don't worry about that number called age.....
write down to us, we will support you....and we will love you no matter what you say here.....
with love
marjan

[lostandlonely]

thank you Marjan. It's just so hard because he rocked my world. I was so attracted to him, loved every minute with him (even when we were doing nothing), felt so comfortable with him and enjoyed his company, and he made me feel so desired and that he truly liked me exactly for the person I am. We had a mutual chemistry and connection that I hadn't felt in years...key word is it was mutual. I could feel that he felt it too which is why this is so out of left field. I am so afraid I will never feel this again because I hadn't in so long, and I don't fall easily for anyone, and that is why I thought this was different and special. I could see a future with him and now I am just devastated and feel so stupid and fooled and bitter and angry. I still don't know why he broke my heart and never will because I feel he is gone for good. How could he do this to me if he truly cared for me? Because he obviously didn't.

[marjan]

I think if you had such a good time with him and now he's changing his direction, then why don't you just think about all the good memories and be happy that you were able to have all those emotions and feelings.....and that shows you're still be able to find love.....Probably, he was just a helper here to show you there is possibility to fall in love....
And you never know.....he might come back to you again....or you will just meet somebody else....
Just for time being, try to stay cool and relax.....try it....you can do it....
with love
marjan

You are grieving.

[lostandlonely]

so depressed...

[marjan]

Originally Posted by lostandlonely

so depressed...

I'm so familiar with all those feelings....and I hate them to come back to me, that's why I was avoiding relationship for so long.....
Just try to see if you can force yourself for some fun activities.....do you like to workout? do you like to go to gym or hiking or biking? what about dancing?
I know if you don't feel happy, anywhere you go you will have the same feelings....but there is a magic in exercising....praying is another magic....and breathe....

take care
marjan

[Envision]

Originally Posted by lostandlonely

while I appreciate the above poster's comments, I never said it was completely the guy's fault. my point is that i keep attracting men who are emotionally unavailable. when you say I don't have to date them what are you talking about? the whole point of my post when I say I attract these types is obvious that i'm dating them...that's the point..that i'm dating commitment phobes. this is not a post about why i attract commitment phobes as friends, it is about why i keep dating these types so i don't really get what you are pointing out.

"For whatever reason I always seem to scare the men off."
"We got along so well, had so many fun times and laughs and were truly compatible and the chemistry was amazing."
"We were both so happy together and it was the most amazing feeling."

Your response made my point better than I could. Thats right, YOU are dating them. The very guys you say you keep attracting and don't like, YOU date them. I didn't say you blamed him 100% but that seems to be the normal tone here that it must be the guys fault and woman accept no responsibility for their own choices. Your statements above indicate to me that maybe the compatibilty and chemistry were not as great as you thought leading me to believe that maybe this was more wishful thinking than reality. In any case, I am sorry for your loss and hope that either you two find a solution or you find someone who you are compatible with.

[lostandlonely]

ENVISION: please don't reply to my thread anymore...you are not making me feel any better and i already feel like crap so i really don't need you to make it worse by telling me that perhaps my experience was more wishful thinking than reality, etc. you weren't there. the relationship was real and everything i described.

[lostandlonely]

Marjan: thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, I am going to try all you described as I know as much as I am so depressed and don't feel like it i must force myself so that i will feel better. the discouraging part is that this is why it took me seven years to really trust again...because I too have been hurt so many times...and yet here again it happened and i didn't even see this one coming. i just hope i don't waste more years out of fear of being hurt like this again, because it is the worst feeling ever.