Concerns for my son

I have a son who is 20 years old. For most of his life, he has had a fairly normal choldhood other than a bit of social awkwardness, but we assumed it was puberty. The most traumatic event for him was my separation from his father in 1995 when he was four. When we separated, his father showed absolutely no interest in continuing to maintain communication with me or his sons (I have another son - younger). I had my oldest son to counselling when he was 7. In counselling, he asked me why Daddy doesn't talk to him. He had issues of abandonment.

Stepping back to my ex-husband, his father, there was a strange behaviour. It was as if my ex was a computer addict. When not at work, he was online all the time. He had three computers operating, three on the sside for parts, two printers, two external hard drives, a digitizing system, the list geos on. Meanwhile, we were going to the food bank to get food. He was upset I was using the credit card so much to get necessities for teh boys, like diapers, clothing etc. When we sought marital counselling, the counsellor asked him where his wife and children were in his priorities. His only answer was a question "DOn't I deserve to put a few dollars away for myself?" When he got home from work, he would be on teh computer, just surfing and sneseless entertainment. I could walk in at anytime to his computer room and all he did was waste time on the internet or doing mechanical alterations to his systems. Basically, the computers were his life. I would get up at 2:30 in the morning, and he would still be on the computers.

My son is now doing the same thing. I have to remind him of all his obligations in life, job search, chores, etc. Otherwise, he stays in his room and just surfs the net for stupid videos, anime websites,etc. He has totally detached himsel from family and social scenes. We invite him to partake in many events and he just wants to stay home in his room, alone and surf.
He is affectionate when I forcefully remove him from his computer. I insist that he leave the laptop and socialize for a while. Not long after that, though, he wanders back to the comptuer and internet.

Other behaviour patterns concern me. He does not communicate unless he is approached first. If I ask him questions about his emotions or thoughts on anything, it is like he is emotionless. Not like I am with depression, though. This is different. He cannot see any wrong with his isolation. You can tell he words his answers to my questions as if he is saying what he thinks I want to hear...no sincerity. most of his childhood was normal with social development. The school system said he was gifted. In junior high and early high school he had a long term girlfriend. He had a few close friends. Since high school, he has pulled away from teh social scene altogether.

My father is angry at him all the time (we are presently living in my parents' home), because he never socializes with family and he always has to be told to do things. I know my father sees his father's behaviour in him and that makes things worse. I see his father's behaviour in him and it is making my love for him difficult. His behaviour is not normal. I hav no authority to tell him to book an appoointment to get assessed because he is now an adult. He will not acknowledge he has antisocial behaviour so he will not see a doc about it. I am ready to tell him to get out on his own, but I feel he needs help. What could I do?

Also, I have an older brother who was diagnosed with sociopathy. Is this sociopathic behaviour? Help me.

Ingridave2, I cannot speak for your son, but I can share my own experience with my sone. My youngest ahs always been a hermit. From the time he was very young. I was worried about him for a long time. I later found out that his intellect was above those his age. He was drawn to conversation with older kids, but they shunned him as a "kid". He would look after the very young, and play with them at the swings or protect them from bullies, but he said kids his age were boreing and stupid.
As a young man he became very withdrawn and stayed in his room and stayed online all the time. His sleep schedule was messed up all the time, he seldom ate or talked.
I finally ( @ age 23) set a deadline for him to have a job and then one for him being out of the house. I explained that I was crippling him, by what I thought was help. I told him he was past the time of being a man and needed to laern to depend on himself.
It was very emotional; for me and him....I have always been a "mother hen". He is now working full time and driving...something he refused to do...and I learned yesterday that he has a love interest.
I even learned of him driving down to Houston for his job, in a company van, I was awed....my nervous little hermit is finally becoming a man, but i had to let go...I was strangling him in the name of helping him....I had to back off.
Not sure if you can relate to any of this, but it might help.
Good luck and you are in my prayers.

"I finally ( @ age 23) set a deadline for him to have a job and then one for him being out of the house. I explained that I was crippling him, by what I thought was help. I told him he was past the time of being a man and needed to laern to depend on himself.
It was very emotional; for me and him....I have always been a "mother hen". He is now working full time and driving...something he refused to do...and I learned yesterday that he has a love interest.
I even learned of him driving down to Houston for his job, in a company van, I was awed....my nervous little hermit is finally becoming a man, but i had to let go...I was strangling him in the name of helping him....I had to back off.
Not sure if you can relate to any of this, but it might help.
Good luck and you are in my prayers.[/quote]

Thank you Nupoet I have been so worried. I tend to worry anyway. My son has also mentioned seeking his own place once he finds employment, and once we are all settled in. I guess the empty nest syndrome is also in there. I feel so much better Nupoet. Thank you again.

Nupoet that is a really heartwarming story...Ingridave I wish you the best in dealing with this and the "letting go" it is never easy to just let go and let them try, we always want to protect...but that protection can be crippling as you mentioned...

Best of luck,

Rhiannon

I had a long talk with my son yesterday. We spent the day together. He said he wants to see us all settled in and money balanced in the house so that I am not for want. Then, he said he will move out. Presently, where we just moved to, it is extremely difficult to find rental units because university students have taken up everything available for the fall season. Our need to stay with my parents may be longer than I had hoped.

Anyway, he did say he will aim for his own place. While we were recently living in Ottawa, Ontario, he worked full time and contributed his pay to the bills because my income alone could not do it. He wants to make sure that rental and other expenses are affordable here first. Then, he hugged me.

I still worry though that he will choose to spend the rest of his life on a laptop screen and not socialize, like his father did. However, I guess what he does when he is on his own will be his choice. I just hope he doesn't become isolated from the family by not communicating. I love him so much.

((((((((Ingridave))))))))

Ingridave2, I hope this all turns out for the best.