[thine_self_untrue]

I am almost seventeen and I think I might be in love.

Yep. You can laugh now. It is stupid.

This was so not the time. This was SO not the plan. This was totally NOT when I wanted to have someone like him in my life.

We met last summer. Hit it off pretty much instantly. He got my jokes. (?!?!) Yes. That's actually rare. He made good comebacks. He was fun and intelligent and brave and capable. Everything I wasn't. But for some odd reason, he seemed to like me.

He asked me to prom, in spite of the fact that a bunch of kids at his school pretty much hate me for the homeschooled loser I am. He said I was different from the other girls- like that was a good thing.

I can't date. My conservative parents will never let me. I told him that. I wanted him to find someone he could actaully date. Someone to take out and teach to golf. He said he could wait.

We have never kissed. We have never even held hands.

He is my only friend. My best friend. And he has no idea about the SI or depression. Just like everyone else. I don't know. I guess I thought he's have ditched me by now. Before I was ever close enough to tell him.

I don't know where we'll end up... I can see spending the rest of my life with someone like him... but I don't know if I should hope for that. I feel unworthy. I feel like I should never marry or be in a close relationship, because of my issues. I feel like imposing my crap on him would be so selfish and disgusting. He could find someone better.

He says I am better than he deserves. He respects my parents and my family. He comes to my church on occasion. He has never so much as made a move that made my uncomfortable. He's a keeper. But I don't feel worthy to keep him.

I guess that's it. I can't imagine where I would be without him... sometimes he is the only thing I am living for. I've felt up and down about him... wondered why I was ever attracted to him and then saw him again and 'remembered'.

I just can't seem to be happy even when I have so much.

[lynn P.]

(((thine self untrue))) - I enjoyed reading your post, except for the part where you put yourself down. I agree with you, he sounds wonderful. The fact he respects you and your parents is fantastic. He also sounds like an independent thinker - doesn't let other opinions influence him. Those people who talk are just mean and jealous. You sound like a nice person and this is one of the reasons he likes you so much, I bet

You need to believe in yourself and see what he sees in you. No one is perfect and probably this love will help you with your issues. You both sound special and I agree it does sound like love - I'm so happy for you. Don't doubt yourself and enjoy every second you have together. I wish you the very best of luck. There's a commercial on this Dove website that reminds me of your situation. Here the link and click on Campaign For Real Beauty: http://www.dove.ca/en/default.aspx - it's this commercial where a young man is waiting outside a girls house. It talks about how the young lady keep thinking of a 100 reasons why he wouldn't like her - but the boy can't think of 1 reason not to like her.

[lynn P.]

I forgot to mention, once you click on 'Campaign for Real Beauty' - you'll see 2 squares and the one on the right with the boy looking up, is the one to watch - it's cute and inspiring. We're the one's who magnify our own faults - the people who love us don't see those faults.

[AkAngel]

I met my wife when we were kids and I knew the day I met her; I'm 45 years old now. She sounded a lot like you do now. She thought the world of me and thought herself too broken. One day, a few years into the relationship, I wrote her a note, which she's kept all these years. I want to share it with you but no laughing...it was private and it's kind of like showing someone a page out of your diary, you know?

When we are advised to “accept ourselves for who we are” we automatically consider and reconcile ourselves to our shortcomings. We try to accept the fact that we’re a bit overweight or not the most experienced person in the office; we accept that we’ll never be as smart as Kyle or have flawless skin like Jessica. To truly accept ourselves as we are we need to go beyond and behind our fears and first actually see ourselves as we truly are. Consider this:

Until I met you, never has a woman been able to stupefy me with her beauty. You know that it’s true. You’ve watched as our conversation sputters, my train of thought gone, the complete bewilderment and utter confusion on my face as I get lost in you. To me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known; but beauty couldn’t have me.

You are the most intelligent woman I have even met. Intellectually gifted, street smarts, emotional intelligence, you are the complete package. I bring everything to you; holding nothing back because of a fear that you won’t understand. The subject might be obscure, the concept revolutionary, the depth daunting – but you intuitively grasp whatever subject matter I bring to you; but intelligence couldn’t have me.

You possess a self-awareness born of wisdom attributable only to an old soul. Your ability to peer behind fear and see things as they truly are is astounding. You’ve amazed me from the first day we met and that amazement only grows. Able to grow beyond your programming, you are freer than most will ever be. From our earliest days I knew and I shared with you my desire to always watch the world reflected through your eyes. You are my beloved teacher; but wisdom couldn’t have me.

When love abides in a person, there is a light that emanates from them; the energy from that light is palpable and measurable. We ponder the strange behavior of the moth, drawn inexorably to the light and yet, their behavior is far from strange; all living things are drawn to the light. You are my light, you lift me up and help me to become more than I could be without you. Only love could have me; it took love.

Love is light, light is energy and energy has a frequency that determines compatibility between other sources of energy. Whatever you think of me baby, whatever significance you might attribute to me, whatever spirituality or love you find in me, know that in all the universe, you are my perfect balance. Accept yourself for who you are; accept your greatness and your divinity. Dare to reject the diseased and decrepit tapes, which speak of insignificance and brokenness. See yourself as you truly are. See yourself as the only woman I’ve ever felt worthy to be my world.

Sounds like he found the girl he wants to be with. Accept the greatness he see's in you.

Thine, I am so pleased you have found someone that you can be happy with.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Sound perfect for each other! Don't put yourself down I honestly feel that you two are made for each other...so lovely

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like a good match at this point. You sound so happy about that. I wish that it could just grow and blossom and be soulmates for life. I do love happy outcomes. Wishing for the best for both of you.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Thine))))))))))))))))))

I am so happy for you, and please don't be so hard on yourself, I know it is easier said than done

I read your posts and parts of it struck a chord with me because I have the same feelings, have had the same thoughts, I have vocalized the same things with the man I'm involved with.

I just wanted to let you know, your not alone.

enjoy being in love, it's a wonderful thing, and it's okay to have these thoughts, these feelings, it's a part of it all

Best wishes to you
Typo

[thine_self_untrue]

Thank you all for your lovely words I appreiciate your kindness and support.

Lynn P.: Thanks I am trying to enjoy every second we have together. I just overthink things so much.

AkAngel: Thank you so very much for sharing that. That is such a beautiful letter.You two sound so perfect together

TheByzantine: Thank you! I hope I don't blow it.

Rhiannonsmoon: Aww... thank you! Even if we don't end up together, he has proved to me that I am not as unloveable as I tell myself I am.

NuckingFutz: Thank you! He has made my life so much beter and I try to do the same for him.

Typo: Thank you! I am just trying to live and let live and see where we go

[El-ahrairah]

I belive in young love <333 I don't think it's stupid neither, fragile, sensitive and at risk of fluctuating change, yes. but not stupid, very pure and beautiful :3
I was 16 when my bf and I fell in love and we're still together after 2 years :333

[la doctora]

I think you two sound perfect for each other! It's not stupid at all. You are too hard on yourself. Enjoy him. Listen to his words and cherish them bc you might not find another that says them to you. He sounds like a great guy and a total keeper. Don't let him slip away. I am very happy for you!

[thine_self_untrue]

Little bit of an update and a plea for advice.

We're still good friends, still in "like" as it were. But we are getting closer all the time. Slowly shifting more and more into something bigger.

I'm giving away way too much. I guess I like to keep it in tidy little boxes: Real Messed Up Thine and Fake Happy Okay Thine. He gives me the real him (my God, I love that) and he wants the real me... and it's so easy to give it to him. I am so much too honest with him. It's scary. He still doesn't know anything really, but sometimes I worry he either suspects or might start to.

I am terrified by our closeness and yet I want to be closer. But I can never, ever take it back if I tell him. If I let him in, I can never undo it. There must be somebody better for him. Someone who wouldn't hurt him like I do when I just can't be happy. But he won't just give up on me and leave. I could push him away... but that would hurt him so much. And I can't hurt him... I never, ever want to hurt him. But either way I will, it's too late now not to.

What do I do?! I read his texts and I cry because he is so much too good to me. This should make me happy, right? Why do I feel so much pain just from being cared about?

When I told him I was afraid, he said he would protect me. When I said I was running away, he said I could run to him. He tells me I am beautiful when I feel so ugly. That I am good when I feel so bad. That I am smart in my own way, even though the truth is I'm dumb as a stick. He says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and that he doesn't know what he would do without me.

For a long time I didn't believe him. Sometimes I still don't. How could anyone mean those things about... me?

And even if I wasn't starving for attention... would I still love him? Do I even love him now? He's by no means perfect. He annoys the heck out of me and then he does something I absolutely adore. And if I do let us get closer... would that even be fair to him with all my doubts and problems and family crap? Would it be kinder to just end it before I totally crush both of us?

S--t. Just s--t. Why did I do this?! Why did I get close!?!?! I am such an idiot. I can't tell him everything, I can't tell him nothing, I can't leave and I can't get any closer. Everything is cornering me. I have a whole mess of family and church crap I'm trying to escape from at the same time.

It's going to fall apart, but where are the peices going to fall?

[imatter2]

I was 17 when I met a 20 year old college freshman - my parents weren't thrilled but here we are 15 years later, married 13 of them and with 2 kids. I am often amazed that he has stayed with me through so much, but as others have said love sees past the flaws to the beauty underneath which tells me that somewhere in my core there must be a spark of something amazing - even if I can't recognize it! YET!

I am so happy for you, thine. Keep up the good work.

[YoungPilotAstray]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

When we are advised to “accept ourselves for who we are” we automatically consider and reconcile ourselves to our shortcomings...

Seriously, the full text of this note is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I am in awe of people who are able to feel these things and express them in such a profound way.

Truly inspirational.

[YoungPilotAstray]

And to thine, you seem to have found yourself a real diamond. People like that are far and few in-between. I really hope you can get over the self-doubt and embrace this goodness. You come across as a very intelligent and eloquent 17-year-old I must say! He probably can't believe his luck to have found someone like you.