[Missquestions]

I was hoping that I can get some advise on this site, as this is my first post. I am currently dating someone with anxiety and depression. He relived this to me after I moved in with him, I was a bit shocked since I am not used to people being on medication. I over reacted at the time and now I am bit more supportive. It is hard for me at times to deal with him, he gets sad for no reason and is super sensitive. Lately we have been arguing a lot over basically nothing. Yesterday, was a good example: he was away on a business trip while he was gone I expressed to him that I missed him and can't wait to see him. When he arrived home yesterday, we sat on the balcony, I have this fear of bugs or any sort. I tried to kill this mosquito that was on the balcony , he gets upset with me because I was trying to kill the mosquito. We went back inside to talk instead and I tried not to worry about what happened and let it go. With his body language i noticed that he was still annoyed by me trying to kill a mosquito.

To me that wasn't a big deal and I felt like he held on to it. Am I wrong for trying to kill a bug? THis is a constant battle of dealing with him not knowing when he is going to get upset with me. He claimed that he was tired but it seems like the excuse for every argument..

[who_0]

hey, i'm not sure i can help with advise but i can relate. it's sometimes difficult to be the possitive one for both of us but i have also learned that the battles i choose have dwindled down more and more lately, i try not to but i find myself tuning out the discussion when it it get's unneccessarily agrivated. patients, good music, and my camera really help. it's fine line between happyness and denile. but sometimes, it's whatever works. i don't know if that made any sense, haha. keep yer head up and yes kill m'skeetoooos!!!

[who_0]

ps. everything i say is said to be an argument....i got really good at arguing!!! and i have to use it wisely

[Soul Quake]

Tell him mosquitoes are disease carrying pests that add nothing to the ecosystem. From now on don't kill anything besides those and bugs that cause infestation.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by who_0

hey, i'm not sure i can help with advise but i can relate. it's sometimes difficult to be the possitive one for both of us but i have also learned that the battles i choose have dwindled down more and more lately, i try not to but i find myself tuning out the discussion when it it get's unneccessarily agrivated. patients, good music, and my camera really help. it's fine line between happyness and denile. but sometimes, it's whatever works. i don't know if that made any sense, haha. keep yer head up and yes kill m'skeetoooos!!!

Hi,

THank you for your response, were you referring to me or him? I think their might be a communication problem with him. I think he can control how he reacted towards me.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Soul Quake

Tell him mosquitoes are disease carrying pests that add nothing to the ecosystem. From now on don't kill anything besides those and bugs that cause infestation.

Funny, I did mention that because I saw on the news that 2 people died the past week close to where we live by a west Niles disease. Well I usually run away I don't kill them but it was flying around us and I wanted to take action.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by Missquestions

I was hoping that I can get some advise on this site, as this is my first post. I am currently dating someone with anxiety and depression. He relived this to me after I moved in with him, I was a bit shocked since I am not used to people being on medication. I over reacted at the time and now I am bit more supportive. It is hard for me at times to deal with him, he gets sad for no reason and is super sensitive. Lately we have been arguing a lot over basically nothing. Yesterday, was a good example: he was away on a business trip while he was gone I expressed to him that I missed him and can't wait to see him. When he arrived home yesterday, we sat on the balcony, I have this fear of bugs or any sort. I tried to kill this mosquito that was on the balcony , he gets upset with me because I was trying to kill the mosquito. We went back inside to talk instead and I tried not to worry about what happened and let it go. With his body language i noticed that he was still annoyed by me trying to kill a mosquito.

To me that wasn't a big deal and I felt like he held on to it. Am I wrong for trying to kill a bug? THis is a constant battle of dealing with him not knowing when he is going to get upset with me. He claimed that he was tired but it seems like the excuse for every argument..

I have depression and anxiety issues as well . But I try to put on a mask if I'm with someone . Just to make them happy . Go figure . Sucks to be me.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Missquestions,

When you are dating or living with someone who has anxiety and depression, you are dating or living with someone who doesn't understand themself any more that you do.

Yes they are oversensitive but that sensitivity is quite possible because they feel they they have no more right to life than a mosquito, in fact they feel as insignificant as a mozzie and it's quite possible he was thinking of the sacredness of all life no matter how small the being is living it. Sounds very deep I know, but believe me people who suffer depression are probably the deepest thinkers in the world and is it because of depressives that philosophy is alive. And it is because of philosophy that psychiatry and psyhcology exists.

We are really sensitive Miss, and we can't really apologise for that because it is the part of us that in disorder there is little we can do about it as we battle to understand why or what right we have to live among everyone else on this planet.

Depression to me and my experience is the total polarity of violence and any violent act. Seeing violence when depressed hurts more, and deeper than you could possibly imagine. Seeing someone doing something loving or brave brings us to tears because we wished the whole world was like that. Again, we are sensitive, but we are caring.

The anxiety is something that is more difficult to explain. It is like a constant worry an agitation, a fear that will simply not go away. and we have no clue where it comes from and we are powerless to fight it. There are relaxation techniques, breathing, meditations etc, as well as medications; very little other than medication works for me personally.

It is a long hard road sometimes for people with depression, and harder too for those who live with a depressive, but there are just as many good days as bad. I love my partner more than I can express, but he has his days of frustration with me, and at times I see that he is depressed too and I am sure it is because our life has changed so much from what it used to be. But the love is stronger. Good luck with your problems, I hope you can work them out,

Rhiannon

[Gr3tta]

Hi Missquestions! My girlfriend has bipolar and generalized anxiety, and I have mental health challenges of my own.
I want to respond to you saying this: "I think he can control how he reacted towards me" Your boyfriend should be responsible for his actions and his words. However, there are going to be times, possibly many times, when he is not going to be in complete control of his emotions. He may feel aggitated, irritable, sad, nervous, despondant, worried, or paranoid, and it is in fact a symptom of his mental illness. He cannot control that any more than someone with bronchitis can control their coughing. Having said that, this does not mean that he can be rude, dismissive, or abusive to you and sidestep responsibility. The two of you will need to work together to determine the best ways for you to be able to support him when he is having a bad day, while still getting your own needs met. Also, do keep in mind that arguments and problems in the relationship may have absolutely nothing to do with his mental health. They may just be the normal bumps in the road that all couples have. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that all your troubles lie in his mental illnesses, or your inexperience in coping with them.
Mental health problems can definitely create added challenges in a romantic relationship, but they can certainly be overcome when both partners are working at it. I wish you all the best, and hope you will keep us updated!

[Yoda]

Another thought: perhaps he was not consciously upset about the mosquito but rather your anxiety was triggering his anxiety. That happens to me sometimes. My son will get upset playing a video game and then I will become anxious too.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello Missquestions,

When you are dating or living with someone who has anxiety and depression, you are dating or living with someone who doesn't understand themself any more that you do.

Yes they are oversensitive but that sensitivity is quite possible because they feel they they have no more right to life than a mosquito, in fact they feel as insignificant as a mozzie and it's quite possible he was thinking of the sacredness of all life no matter how small the being is living it. Sounds very deep I know, but believe me people who suffer depression are probably the deepest thinkers in the world and is it because of depressives that philosophy is alive. And it is because of philosophy that psychiatry and psyhcology exists.

We are really sensitive Miss, and we can't really apologise for that because it is the part of us that in disorder there is little we can do about it as we battle to understand why or what right we have to live among everyone else on this planet.

Depression to me and my experience is the total polarity of violence and any violent act. Seeing violence when depressed hurts more, and deeper than you could possibly imagine. Seeing someone doing something loving or brave brings us to tears because we wished the whole world was like that. Again, we are sensitive, but we are caring.

The anxiety is something that is more difficult to explain. It is like a constant worry an agitation, a fear that will simply not go away. and we have no clue where it comes from and we are powerless to fight it. There are relaxation techniques, breathing, meditations etc, as well as medications; very little other than medication works for me personally.

It is a long hard road sometimes for people with depression, and harder too for those who live with a depressive, but there are just as many good days as bad. I love my partner more than I can express, but he has his days of frustration with me, and at times I see that he is depressed too and I am sure it is because our life has changed so much from what it used to be. But the love is stronger. Good luck with your problems, I hope you can work them out,

Rhiannon

Hi,

Thank you for your advise. For the past couple of days , it's been harder and harder, not only that his problems has affected but our relationship is taking a big toll. I feel as I am trying to help him but at the same time I am going to get depressed soon from all these problems. We have been arguing for the past couples of days, we have been arguing every week once or twice a week at least. This is more stress then I can handle on a daily bases. I love him and I really do and I want to work things out but at some point I don't know how much I can deal with his mood swings and now I feel like I need the help or our relationship needs to be saved.

For another instance with today , he got angry with me about driving directions. I am not the best person to ask for directions and he knows it but he interrogates me to the point where i feel pressure and when I can't give him the right directions he gets angry/upset with me. I am starting to feel that everyday is a new battle and not knowing what else we are going to fight about that day.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Hi Missquestions! My girlfriend has bipolar and generalized anxiety, and I have mental health challenges of my own.
I want to respond to you saying this: "I think he can control how he reacted towards me" Your boyfriend should be responsible for his actions and his words. However, there are going to be times, possibly many times, when he is not going to be in complete control of his emotions. He may feel aggitated, irritable, sad, nervous, despondant, worried, or paranoid, and it is in fact a symptom of his mental illness. He cannot control that any more than someone with bronchitis can control their coughing. Having said that, this does not mean that he can be rude, dismissive, or abusive to you and sidestep responsibility. The two of you will need to work together to determine the best ways for you to be able to support him when he is having a bad day, while still getting your own needs met. Also, do keep in mind that arguments and problems in the relationship may have absolutely nothing to do with his mental health. They may just be the normal bumps in the road that all couples have. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that all your troubles lie in his mental illnesses, or your inexperience in coping with them.
Mental health problems can definitely create added challenges in a romantic relationship, but they can certainly be overcome when both partners are working at it. I wish you all the best, and hope you will keep us updated!

Hi,

You are right that he is in control with what he says to me, but at the same time I feel that he needs to have better self control over that. It's always something he says to hurt me then will say sorry after wards. Sometimes it might get ot the point where it might be hard to take something back that has been said or done. I am trying to work with him but this seems like an everyday matter and I feel like I am walking on thin ice and egg shells. Watching what I do and say so i won't make him crack. I am trying to battle through these challenges but we argue all the time, there is a difference between health arguments and unhealthy ones. I've noticed now that I am very irritable now and that i get angry and more and more angry with him and it's something I used to have a problem with and I am not trying to repeat the person I used to be , which is to get angry very easily and blow up but it seems all these symptoms are coming back to me and that every time we argue its more and more intense.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Another thought: perhaps he was not consciously upset about the mosquito but rather your anxiety was triggering his anxiety. That happens to me sometimes. My son will get upset playing a video game and then I will become anxious too.

Well, he said he was bothered by the fact that he wanted to relax and that when i was trying to kill a bug it was hard for him. Given the fact that he knows that I do not like bugs he could of just helped me or just let it go. Instead of getting upset with me. He was gone for a few days for a business trip and I was really excited to see him and that he was home so I said lets go outside to the balcony to relax but there was a bug that I wanted to kill. He got upset that i stopped talking and I was trying to kill a bug instead.

[Perna]

Hi, Missquestions. I sort of smiled reading your post because of your "fear of bugs of any sort" and trying to kill the mosquito (maybe while he was trying to talk/express his own concerns to you) and then, when you move inside, the roles are reversed and you have trouble understanding why he's still upset about your trying to kill a mosquito. It might not have been the mosquito but that you missed something he was trying to get across or just that a small bug was more important to you than he was at the moment when he wanted you to be focused on him?

I found it interesting that you discussed the phone "I miss you, can't wait to see you" conversation and then went immediately into the mosquito incident where you "act" the opposite. He might not have been upset about you killing the mosquito. I guess if I were in your position, I would try reminding myself (when I can't understand him) that if it looks like "small" things to me, it might not be about what I think it is about and I'd look for recent "emotions" I or he has expressed in words. If a puzzle piece doesn't fit, then often it's just in the wrong place or combination (or wrong piece).

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, Missquestions. I sort of smiled reading your post because of your "fear of bugs of any sort" and trying to kill the mosquito (maybe while he was trying to talk/express his own concerns to you) and then, when you move inside, the roles are reversed and you have trouble understanding why he's still upset about your trying to kill a mosquito. It might not have been the mosquito but that you missed something he was trying to get across or just that a small bug was more important to you than he was at the moment when he wanted you to be focused on him?

I found it interesting that you discussed the phone "I miss you, can't wait to see you" conversation and then went immediately into the mosquito incident where you "act" the opposite. He might not have been upset about you killing the mosquito. I guess if I were in your position, I would try reminding myself (when I can't understand him) that if it looks like "small" things to me, it might not be about what I think it is about and I'd look for recent "emotions" I or he has expressed in words. If a puzzle piece doesn't fit, then often it's just in the wrong place or combination (or wrong piece).

"If a puzzle piece doesn't fit, then often it's just in the wrong place or combination" good quote and I have thought about a lot of things after that. A few more arguments had accrued after that, I can almost guarantee you that we have one every weekend and it will start tomorrow. Another thing I am worried about that he was suppose to get his dosage lessened for his depression medication I am not sure at this point will it affect him to act any worse. If the medication is what makes him better so be it, but I am confused by the fact that he does not go to any more therapy and just prescribed the medication. I thought you would need both and the therapy is to help so the person that is depressed will be depend on the meds.

[bridgie]

If all of this is starting to take its toll on your emotional fram of mind maybe finding a therapist for yourself may be beneficial. Caregivers usually try so hard to help their mate/family or whoever it may be and forget to care for themselves. Don't forget you need to be healthy to help him be healthy.

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by bridgie

If all of this is starting to take its toll on your emotional fram of mind maybe finding a therapist for yourself may be beneficial. Caregivers usually try so hard to help their mate/family or whoever it may be and forget to care for themselves. Don't forget you need to be healthy to help him be healthy.

I don't want to drive myself to a therapist when I am fine with out the problems. I don't want to create problems for myself when I was fine before, I don't see why I have to be so emotionally stressed from being in a relationship. I miss the time where we didn't argue and in the beginning phases , we both didn't want to cross lines that we didn't have to now that we are living together I feel like there are no boundaries.