[Missquestions]

I wanted to see what every one thought about paying for things in a relationship. I grew up in a culture where the women are not suppose to pay for anything if we do we are looked differently. I have tried not to let those things bother me since we are now living in the 20th century and things has changed. Women simply doesn't stay home anymore they have degrees/careers like the men also. Here is my scenario:

I am not living with my boyfriend, we have been dating for the past eight months I moved in about 5 months of our relationship. He figured it would be best for me to pay off my debt and help with rent here but only a small amount. I know on our anniversary dinner he pays and most of the time we go out he pays. I usually buy all the grocery and household stuff and stuff for the kitties (3). TOday he mentioned that last night he spent a lot of money while we were out and that if I can get lunch today. When the check came he paid but asked if I could pay for the other stuff when we ran our errands. I paid for the stuff for the cats which was about 50 dollars or so then we went to Target and I asked if we can separate our stuff and for him to pay for some. Today I 've noticed that when he asked "DO YOU MIND?" i guess that basically means, "Do you mind paying for the stuff" so of course for the first time today I said yes I do , why don't you take care of the stufff that you have and I'll take care of this stuff. I am a bit irritated that I have to pay for more stuff for today. When we got into the car he pretended that it didn't happen which is rare for him to let things go like that . So I dont know who should pay for what in a relationship?

[Belle1979]

I think that every relationship is different. personally I like to pay my own way - in everything. That way I feel like I am 'pulling my weight' so to speak.
With my previous relationship, we would both want to pay, who ever got in first and handed over the cash won - it bacame a sort of game really.
Now with my current BF we take it in turns, say we go away for a weekend, then I'll pay for the accomodation and he'll pay for the dinners out etc. Seems to work out fine.

My bestfriend has just had a baby and wants to go back to work so that she can contribute to the household and at the very least pay off the debts that she had before they were a family. Her other half earns enough to support them all and expects her to live off his wage - Her and I agree that if the debts were there prior to the relationship then they need to be paid by her... But most men (3 that I have talked with about this) see to think that once you are in a relationship then the debts become part of the relationship...

For thinking the way that I do I have been called stubborn LOL

I guess every relationship is different. I like to be independant so paying for myself makes me feel more secure that I am not obligated to anyone.

[REINE D AMOUR]

no he should be more responsable ,you should pay for your stuff like make up ,clothes but not the grocery stuff,it is our culture,iknow it is not the same everywhere

[beatbyadifferdrum]

First
Do you work?
you state you do not live together but then state you moved in for 5 months.....
So do you live together now? Who's cats - your or his?

Its hard to know how to help when there are some missing pieces.....

[beatbyadifferdrum]

In today's world most couples, whether married or living together, work. In the OLD days yes the men were more responsible. But the woman stayed at home so the need for the woman to pay was not a question. Love and relationships are about give and take. About making each other happy.

I am a stay at home mom and wife. I take care of our children, cook, clean, run all in the home front.
My husband works and supplies for the family.
When you make a commitment to live with some and live as a couple then that means sharing everything except for prior debt. Your debt is your his is his. When and if you marry then it all becomes both.
If you both work then you both would pay and you would both help with cooking cleaning and household chores. If the cats are yours then you pay.... if the cats are his then he pays. If they are both then you both pay.
If he is renting the home and you move in then both pay. If the home is purchased and only in his name then he pays.... you pitch in for utilities and such. If you are indeed a stay at home housewife then you would have no income to contribute so why would he ask you to pay your fair share?


If you live in different homes then no question.... you pay your home he pays his....
If you invite him over for dinner then you pay for the groceries.
If he invites you out then he pays. If he want you to join him for a car show let him pay.

But just because you are a woman does not give you the right to assume that MAN must pay for everything. If you are living with a man outside of wedlock then you are indeed a product of the late 20th and 21st Century. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you want the man to supply all in regards to finances then you better get married ... take off your shoes and get to making baby.... and cleaning..... clip the coupons......
Why ever should a man that your are not married to be responible for you?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Missquestions

I am not living with my boyfriend, we have been dating for the past eight months I moved in about 5 months of our relationship.

So you are not living with him? Or you are? When you're married, it's easier, you just combine your two incomes and pay for everything out of the shared pot. But when you're living together without being married, it's harder to divide things up. Before marriage, my husband and I lived together. We paid jointly for things like groceries, cleaning supplies, rent, and utilities. We alternated paying for dinner when we went out, or for movies or other entertainment. He was making more money than I was, so if it some kind of extra expense was beyond my means, we either didn't do it, or he understood that if he wanted it so bad, he would have to pay for it without my help. And we each paid for special expenses for ourselves on our own, including pre-existing debts like student loans. For example, he bought an expensive new bicycle and he paid for that completely by himself. (Just think if you end up breaking up, who will get what. He would get his bike so he pays for that himself.) And we each paid for the upkeep and insurance on our own cars. It seemed to work out pretty well.

It is good to have an understanding of how the finances in your relationship will work, otherwise this can grow into a big issue and cause ill will between you. Can you try to speak directly to him about this (at a time when you are not standing together in line at the cash register at a store)? If you come to a mutual decision on how the expenses are divided, you will both feel more secure and like things are "fairer". Good luck.

[lone_twin4]

In a relationship where you have shared expenses (not just meals out... but stuff for the house and kittens) I think the fairest thing to do is to set up a joint bank account or pot and deposit equal amounts into it every month. Then you can pay for all your housekeeping and meals from there. I don't know how easy that is to do for someone unmarried, but it should be possible in this age!

What I pay when dating depends on our incomes, I think. I'm a student so I don't have very much; if I dated someone who had a big allowance from his parents, I would expect him to pay for more. If they work for their money like I am, the amount of income is irrelevent. Generally, if I don't want to go somewhere, or I am not sure about going somewhere because I don't have much spare cash, and they insist on going, I would like them to pay for me because I wouldn't have gone were it not for them. If we are going out for meals together, I would split the bill and buy them drinks. The next time, maybe split the bill and have them buy me drinks.

It's complicated!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by lone_twin4

What I pay when dating depends on our incomes, I think. I'm a student so I don't have very much; if I dated someone who had a big allowance from his parents, I would expect him to pay for more. If they work for their money like I am, the amount of income is irrelevent.

I actually think it should be even whether the parent provides the income or the student works for the income. You don't want the parent subsidizing the entertainment needs of their child's friend/partner. That's kind of like "using" the parent to subsidize their child's friend's desire to conserve funds and not pay their own way. Kind of yuck! If the child's friend/partner has a job, then by all means the child's friend can pay! Otherwise skip the movies or drinks. Just my two cents from a parent's point of view.... (BTW, no matter your stage in life, a great way to save money is not to buy drinks--alcoholic or otherwise--with your meal when you go out for dinner. I have saved thousands of dollars [and calories] over the years by always just drinking water.)

[Rhiannonsmoon]

DJ & I live together and we are exactly the same as if we were married. We have sperate bank accounts but we pay bills as they come out of one account and then others out of the other account. We plan it so that we have savings left over and a comfy cushion for emergencies.

We may not be married (and we don't wish to be), but we live as a married couple does so why should we act any different?

I think you did the right thing though missquestions because it sounded like he was trying to take advantage of you and that is a low blow. I'd be wary of him because he was trying it on with you and that was why he let it go when you got into the car. He knows his boundary now and I doubt he will test you again for a while....

Rhiannon

[steffi01]

i agree with rhiannon plz be careful n test the waters since u must set the groundrules for ur financial situation with this guy or else u will b stuck in an abusive relationship. he has to know this loud and clear. pls take care of urself and do not compromise on such matters.take care

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

DJ & I live together and we are exactly the same as if we were married. We have sperate bank accounts but we pay bills as they come out of one account and then others out of the other account. We plan it so that we have savings left over and a comfy cushion for emergencies.

We may not be married (and we don't wish to be), but we live as a married couple does so why should we act any different?

I think you did the right thing though missquestions because it sounded like he was trying to take advantage of you and that is a low blow. I'd be wary of him because he was trying it on with you and that was why he let it go when you got into the car. He knows his boundary now and I doubt he will test you again for a while....

Rhiannon

Originally Posted by steffi01

i agree with rhiannon plz be careful n test the waters since u must set the groundrules for ur financial situation with this guy or else u will b stuck in an abusive relationship. he has to know this loud and clear. pls take care of urself and do not compromise on such matters.take care

We do live together and today I told him that we need to set a budget, the two cats are his and I have one. We haven't mentioned anything else about that day and I don't want to bring it up and add on the rest of the argueing that we have been having all month. I am honestly just tired of situations like that and now trying to move on from it. Today I did mention to him , why don't we set up a budget and use it for grocery, household items and cat supplies so that way we can keep track and if you don't want to do any of the work you won't have to ask me to pay for it and it would be simply fair and I won't feel like he is taking advantage of me. Rhiannonsmoon, may I ask why do you and your boyfriend live as a married couple but have no plans to? I believe in the future years from now I would like to be married but I know I would like to sort out all the problems first before legally married.

[Perna]

Money is very personal, has a lot of baggage and emotions attached to it usually. Who makes more in a relationship can be important, my husband automatically feels he can spend more because he makes more. "Theoretically" that is true and I did live alone on my own income for 13 years so know I can support myself but. . .

I think you need a discussion of how you two want to spend money. We have a shared pot and either of us use either of our credit cards to pay for eating out or groceries or shopping but, generally, if I'm with my husband I just let him pay (unless he's being a slow poke eating and then sometimes I'll pay just to have something to do while he's finishing eating :-) The only really separate things I feel I have are my credit card purchases online. Most of them are for my projects, websites, genealogy stuff and I kind of think of my husband as paying for our large recreation needs like our RV, boat, etc.

I would do a loose budget, decide on how much you should "contribute" and have part of that contribution be in credit card purchases/payments? Then, just keep track of how much you're spending, as you normally would and when you get to your limit, you just say you're at "your" limit (which means you can't buy anymore, NOT that he should buy what you want :-)

There is no "should" anymore about who pays. But one does have to have some sort of agreement or ongoing conversation with a SO or there can be a painful discussion mess later.

[AAAAA]

Is money the hidden source of your arguements? You mention a couple of occassions that he asked you to foot the bill, and state that you feel you are being taken advantage of. How do you think he feels after footing the bill for the last eight months? Is he of your culture as well?

I confess to having a double standard myself, and this thread has brought up an issue that I need to discuss with my sons. I've raised my boys to open car doors, pull out chairs, walk to the girl's door to pick her up and drop her off, and to pay for their dates. I've raised my daughter to be independent. That if he pays for the meal, you buy the movie tickets. Or you pick up the tab on the next date.

It sounds very much like he's been trying to tell you that he wants you to do your share financially and you have intentionally ignored him. The statement "our night out last night was very expensive, could you pick up lunch" is very clear, and in my opinion very reasonable. Cultural beliefs aside, if you had a friend that you went to lunch with once a week would you expect her to pay for your lunch every week?

[Missquestions]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Is money the hidden source of your arguements? You mention a couple of occassions that he asked you to foot the bill, and state that you feel you are being taken advantage of. How do you think he feels after footing the bill for the last eight months? Is he of your culture as well?

I confess to having a double standard myself, and this thread has brought up an issue that I need to discuss with my sons. I've raised my boys to open car doors, pull out chairs, walk to the girl's door to pick her up and drop her off, and to pay for their dates. I've raised my daughter to be independent. That if he pays for the meal, you buy the movie tickets. Or you pick up the tab on the next date.

It sounds very much like he's been trying to tell you that he wants you to do your share financially and you have intentionally ignored him. The statement "our night out last night was very expensive, could you pick up lunch" is very clear, and in my opinion very reasonable. Cultural beliefs aside, if you had a friend that you went to lunch with once a week would you expect her to pay for your lunch every week?

Hi,

You are absolutely correct, I think it was great that he communicated with me. Culture wise, I am Chinese and he is Jewish, I was brought up in a way , where women never have to pay because we bring the household together and we are the ones that carries the baby in our body. I recently told him that we need to set a budget so no one feels like they have over paid over underpaid and the dinners are expensive that he spends on me and we do that once a month for our monthly anniversaries. I hope this method will work and that we wont have to talk about money issues anytime soon.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Missquestions

Rhiannonsmoon, may I ask why do you and your boyfriend live as a married couple but have no plans to? I believe in the future years from now I would like to be married but I know I would like to sort out all the problems first before legally married.

Hello Missquestions,

Marriage replaced the old way of committing to one another for 1year and 1day and celebrating the union each 1yr and 1day which was the original "anniversary" celebrations.

I got married and it was the worst thing I could have done. I had such an awful continuing experience that I vowed never to take that step again. My partner doesn't want marriage either, so we see no need of it; we are together because we want to be and there is no forced union.

But the Pagan way I get to wear a wedding dress every year and a day and celebrate it with a party or reception.

Hope this explains it

.