I am a terrible mother

My daughter Kimmy just turned 13 on Saturday. She is a wonderful kid. Free spirited and very artistic in so many ways.

Kimmy was dx'd with ADHD at age 5. We started her on Strattera in December of 02. She was like a different child after taking this medication. She was attentive, alert and even surpassed the teachers and my expectations in school. It was a complete turn around for her. At the end of the last school year, June of 04 she asked if she could stop taking her Strattera because she wanted to be a "normal" kid. I told her no because the medication has helped her so much. She persisted and persisted and we went to the Dr and we made a compromise. During the summer months we would take her off the Strattera and see how she does.

To my suprise, she did pretty well. She was able to stay on task with alot of things. The only noticable thing was her twitching and rocking. Other then that, pretty normal. As school approached I was going to refill the Strattera before school and before our move to TX because our health insurance was only until the end of July.

Now she has started school, in a brand new place and is doing horrible. She is extremely disorganized and she said she can not think clearly. I feel like a horrible mom because its my fault that I even allowed her to end her medication in the first place. I should have stuck to my gut feeling and said NO, NO, NO. But I didnt. I gave her what she wanted instead of what she needed and as a mother, I should have known better.

I have emailed her counsellor at school and explained the situation. The thing is, here in TX they do not consider ADHD a disablility as they did in VA. She also has some developmental delays. The school is still waiting on records from her last school so i am hoping that after they receive those, she will be eligible for services.

I feel so bad that I have done this to her. It's 11 pm right now and that poor girl is sitting at the hotel table doing work that she should have done last week. She had crumbled it up so I wouldnt see it. She is extremely frustrated with herself. i am frustrated to. I am angry at me and at her. I'm so stupid.

((((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))))))))))

i can so understand your thinking right now, but would you step back with me as an outsider and look at the entire situation? i can see things a little differently as another mom's point of view.

your daughter has a real issue, yes. she persisted in something that she wanted and felt that she needed. you consulted with her dr's and allowed her to try the waters. what you did was out of love, jen. it's a beautiful thing. i also think that it was a good thing for the long run. as she gets older, she more than likely would've bucked the meds even more and maybe went completely off. and, as an older child or young adult, you would have little say so.

i think you've allowed this "young woman" to see that she needs these meds and remove doubt from her mind. that's going to prove EXTREMELY valuable to her in just a few more years. i think you will see that this time was actually a good thing.

you're a wonderful, beautiful mom, jen. don't you ever doubt that. i don't. i wish you luck in obtaining for her what she needs. you allowed this because you're a good mom. i think it's going to be worth it's weight in gold in a few years.

kd

i also want to say that you allowed her some input into her own treatment. that's going to amazing as well in a couple of years. you treated her with respect to try what she felt she had to. how empowering is that?

i'm sorry it didn't work out as she'd hoped. however, the meds will hopefully kick back in soon and she'll be back on track with the knowledge that she has a very powerful tool in her life to function as she feels she needs to.

y'all are going to be fine due to the massive respect and love shown all the way around.

Good Grief Jen, as far as I can see you did everything by the book. A psychologist would probably have made exactly the same decisions as you did.

It's rotten luck that Kimmy has this illness, and it must add to your stresses.

However, I think it's time for a chorus of the time honoured affirmation - "It's not your fault."

You have quite a transition going on at the moment, but it will settle down soon, I'm sure.

Good luck, M

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Don't beat yourself up so bad! It's not ALL your fault. Kimmy is old enough to start making some of her own decisions and is bound to make some not very wise ones. No doubt she's learned her lesson about going off her meds. Taking them IS "normal" for her.

It's so hard to allow our kids to grow up, but instead of beating yourself up, look at the positive side. You ALLOWED her to make a decision that she's learning from. She's growing up, Hun.

Jen,

I so agree with Kimmydawn and Myzen-- you are not a bad mom!!! I agree that it sounds like you did this out of love for your daughter-- you gave her a voice and listened--- no better show of love than that- IMO!

Heck, it was even ok'd by professionals-- so why would you be so hard on yourself--- are you one of the professionals??---no--- you are a wonderful, loving and caring mother.

Not meaning to add my story in here.... but..... thought it would be relevant. My son has ADD and I struggled with him to take his meds until just last school year-- he was 15 almost 16 at the time. Exhausted from arguing with him about taking his meds he quit them... two months later-- I was called by the police-- my son was going over twice the speed limit (105 in a 45mph zone) which warrants arrest for reckless driving, lower grades came after that-- and still he resisted my urging meds. After not driving for many months now and 65 hours of community service-- I can only hope he will see the light for this school year. Kimmydawn is right about having less say once they get older-- it's so very hard. How does one force an almost 17 year old to take his meds??

You did right by letting your daughter have a say and exploring how it is without meds for her. The younger she learns about this the better. Sometimes as parents- we have to let our kids fall a little, it helps them learn about life-- just so long as we are there to lend a caring yet firm hand as they are dusting off!!

Jen, you're a good mom.

mandy

Jen, you are not a terrible mother. you let your daughter have a say in her treatment. it will all work out and she'll respect your allowing her to make a choice. she understands now that she needs the meds. good luck and hugs.....xoxo pat

Mandy, I really like the way you put that!! Right on!!

Thanks to all of you. Kimmy was up to a little past midnight completing her homework. She was completely frustrated and upset with herself. I have to admit, I was feeling the same way.

As you know, we are staying in a hotel so the situation is not ideal for any of us but I heard her crying herself to sleep. I asked her if she was ok and she pretended that nothing was wrong. This adds to my guilt.

I understand what all of you are saying and it has given me a new way to look at the situation. I did email her counsellor last night and received a reply about 5 minutes ago. The cousellor has forwarded the information to the special education coordinator and she will be in touch with me in the next few days. This makes me feel a little better because I feel that the wheels are in motion now.

Last night, I felt so powerless. I think my frustration was that I could have prevented this in the first place. I know that Kimmy is getting older (13 YIKES) and that she needs to make some of her own decisions to learn lessons in life but it's hard when the decisions she has made do not work out.

Thank you, all of you for making me feel that I have done the right thing. It's funny, how one tracked minded I can feel when I initially made my post but after reading these responses, you guys make me feel that I did the right thing by my daughter. That makes me feel good.

I will keep you posted on the outcome of this.

Thank you Kimmy for your kind, gentle words. They mean so much to me ((((((((((((((((KD)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Myzen)))))))))))) Thank you. Your support means alot to me


((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))) Thank you Mama.

((((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))) Thank you for sharing your story with me. It isnt very easy being a mother is it? Please pm me if you ever wanna talk.


((((((((((((((((pat)))))))))))))))))) Thanks friend. I appreciate your support.



Love and Hugs,


Jen

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Mandy, I really like the way you put that!! Right on!!

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Hey thanks SeptemberMorn!!!

Jen, if you hadn't let her practice walking, falling and picking herself up again, she'd probably still be in a stroller, right? We learn from the spills we take in life, not from being coddled. Remember, it's always hardest for those who are watching a loved one go through trials than it is for the person going through them.

When she pretended nothing was wrong, she was learning to pick herself up again, rub her sore knees, and move on with her own life. It's time for her to start establishing her Self. I don't envy you one bit, Sweeheart! Not one little bit! But I'll always be here to share my experience with raising four teenagers!

Thanks Tomi. I will definitly need support with raising the kids. You know I have a 14 1/2 year old girl, Kimmy who is 14 and my son who is 9. He seems to be the easiest. LOL. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.