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Old Sep 13, 2010, 10:30 AM
Elana05's Avatar
Elana05 Elana05 is offline
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Wrote my dad a confrontational e-mail.
Told him he had hurt my feelings the other day and asked if he could do/say things differently.
He wrote back and said he thinks I am being overly sensitive and that he has only been supportive of me and I am the one who never talks.
I wrote back to him pointing out how critical he has been to me over the years.

But...
I am beginning to doubt myself.
His criticisms have mostly been so small. They are like jabs. They just add up over 20+ years.
Then there was one that I can't let go of. He only said it once,
"Face it. You have never made any good decisions."

But I can't seem to let it go.


The little jabs plus this one comment, plus years of cutting me off and not listening to me has made me feel totally invisible to him.

But... am I being over sensitive?

Shouldn't I just "get a grip" and not take everything he says and does so personally?

There is something about him being my dad that seems to make everything so magnified. It's like, you always want your parents to be there for you - to an extent that it can be unhealthy?

Ugh. Maybe this is all just the depression talking. I feel like I want to just say, "forget it. I don't need anything from you."

Maybe it's all just the depression talking.


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  #2  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 10:49 AM
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purple_fins purple_fins is offline
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Gee does this ever sound familiar.

You know, I don't see any validation from your dad in this correspondence....... you said how you felt and he just dismissed it.
do you see that?
instead of saying something like-- "darlin, I'm sorry you've felt that way, I love you and think the world of you"... he pointed things right back at you by saying-- you were being too sensitive.....
argh.... I cringe when people do that!!
soooooo many people in my life do this

I'm sorry you also got the "narcissistic monster" thrown at you... it's never their fault or cause to look at how YOU feel..... no... it's all in protecting themselves.

However-- you do have a point here:
Quote:
I feel like I want to just say, "forget it. I don't need anything from you."
that is what I've done with a few people in my family(one being --the mother)... I don't look for ANYTHING from them... it has made me feel less captive now-- it's a release that I've needed for so so long.

you're in my heart

please try and give self the things your father is not able to.

fins
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“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never mind. Forget it.
  #3  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 11:36 AM
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Elana05 Elana05 is offline
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Hi Fins,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and wise response.
So true... I could really relate to this comment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by purple_fins View Post
I'm sorry you also got the "narcissistic monster" thrown at you... it's never their fault or cause to look at how YOU feel..... no... it's all in protecting themselves.
fins
My dad is so defensive because it is so obvious he never got over how his parents hurt him. I mean, to this day he talks about how his mother ruined his life. But it is always about him. This is what I told him in my e-mail to him. But I kinda wished I hadn't. I just don't know if it's worth it, you know? He'll just get defensive and feel hurt and... well its not about me (of course).

Quote:
Originally Posted by purple_fins View Post
I don't look for ANYTHING from them... it has made me feel less captive now-- it's a release that I've needed for so so long.
The hard part is that I am taking money from him. For some bills and for therapy. It's awful. I have fantasies about paying him back everything he's given me and being free, free, free. But the truth is, I just can't right now. What I would give to be able to work and not fall into the depression hole. But the last time I tried it I wound up in a bad place. NOt to say that I won't be working soon. I just can't do it yet. Some days I can't even get out of bed. But I don't know what is worse. I don't want to have to take anything from him and his wife. Makes me feel miserable.
Ah well.
Thank you for your response.
  #4  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 12:15 PM
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purple_fins purple_fins is offline
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Quote:
The hard part is that I am taking money from him. For some bills and for therapy. It's awful. I have fantasies about paying him back everything he's given me and being free, free, free. But the truth is, I just can't right now. What I would give to be able to work and not fall into the depression hole. But the last time I tried it I wound up in a bad place. NOt to say that I won't be working soon. I just can't do it yet. Some days I can't even get out of bed. But I don't know what is worse. I don't want to have to take anything from him and his wife. Makes me feel miserable.
You are right, that is a hard situation.
It's OK that you aren't able to work at this time--the important thing is, to do what will keep you on the healing path at this time.

would it maybe help in seeing the money your father gives you as a way of saying to you-- "I love you, you're my daughter"...? Some people are never helped by parents after they turn 18 and some not even before..... I know it's not what your soul needs but maybe, just maybe --you could try and hold on to that part as the love from your father?
is that a dumb idea?...

I dont' know how you feel about that, I never had much help from parents... my dad never had any money-- he was a gambling addict till the day he died... and my mother spends every dime she ever has(she has severe impulse control issues)-- if she hasn't any, then she rationalizes her stealing

wish I could give you more help than I've given... just... not sure what else to say-- except -- believe in YOU and know that you are worth every penny and every hug you never got and every "that a girl, I'm so proud of you" that you never heard.

you're in my heart

fins
__________________
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never mind. Forget it.

Last edited by purple_fins; Sep 13, 2010 at 12:20 PM. Reason: added some words.......
Thanks for this!
Elana05
  #5  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 03:28 PM
steffi01 steffi01 is offline
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hi Elana i feel for u n wanna tell u that ur dad being also a victim of abuse n all mayb has big issues. guys specially have difficulty expressing feelings n talking about them. plz if u can just let go of his childish attitude it would b good for u. i did this with my mom n trust me she is a lot lot meaner than this. plz try not to take it personal coz he probably is like that to everybody, thus drawing in negative energy all the time. IT IS NOT U ! u r great but he is hwat he is. u should work on u n let others b what they chose to b. plz take care of Elana then u will b able to work n live the life u deserve n want. big hug
  #6  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 06:31 PM
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Rhiannonsmoon Rhiannonsmoon is offline
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((((((((Elana))))))))

Have faith in your own ability to do great things, not in your fathers ability to stunt your growth, movement and that ability you have
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Peace, the deep imperturbable peace is right there within you, quieten the mind and slow the heart and breathe...breathe in the perfume of the peace rose and allow it to spread throughout your mind body and senses...it can only benefit you and those you care about...I care about you
  #7  
Old Sep 13, 2010, 11:06 PM
cheshireKat cheshireKat is offline
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Family relationships are a balancing act. Chances are, your father's never going to change substantially--should you try to accept him the way he is, flaws and all? Or is his behavior so hurtful that it would be better for you to distance yourself? It seems like you're wrestling with something like this--on one hand you say, "It's like, you always want your parents to be there for you" and on the other, "I have fantasies about paying him back everything he's given me and being free, free, free."

And with parents, especially--we grow up looking up to our parents and thinking that they're wise and strong, larger than life. (At least I did.) Little by little, we have to admit that they're sometimes weak and petty and scared, just like the rest of humanity. It's impossible to be objective about your own parents.

Good luck sorting everything out. Take care of yourself.
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