[JustAPixie]

Before I start rambling and saying mean things about my husband, I want to say that:
1. I don't want out of my marriage
2. This is only one side of the story
3. I can be a bit dramatic sometimes

With that said, I'll start. My husband and I recently started marrigae counselling. I have a past of abuse and he blames all our problems on that and my depression. About a year ago I told him that I am starting to feel very down again and asked him for help before it's too late. He said he didn't know what to do. Well, neither did I. Earlier this year it got really bad and I didn't know which way is up anymore, I just didn't want to live like that. So I gently told him that I am not threatening him, I just want to let him know that if I don't get help then I don't know what's going to happen. He said he would help. So, I waited............................................................................................................................

A few months went buy and I started crying and begging him to just please help me, or get some help because I can't go on like this. So, I waited.......................................................................................

By this time I wasn't feeling depressed anymore, just really, really angry everytime I think about him and I started to resent him. How can you do this to someone you love? All I wanted was a hug when I didn't deserve one, some kind words after a bad day etc, but we just fought and fought over every little thing, we even almost got divorced because we couldn't agree on the name of an actor!!! He lives his life completely independent of me. He never says how he feels because he says I just get mad... The times he did share his feelings he said things like: "Everone has to deal with bad stuff, why can't I do it too?" or "What happened to you was long ago and it's time you grow up and get over it" That's not sharing feelings, that's just being cruel!!! Why can't he see that? Now he never talks. When I talk to him he doesn't look at me, he always looks away, which is his way I suppose, but he doesn't give any indication that he hears me, because I can't read his face this way. So everytime I have to ask "Did you hear me?" I would say to him that I had a bad day, and that's where the conversation ends. If I ask if he heard me or repeat it, then he just gets mad at me....
Last week was the first time we went to a counsellor, after almost a year of me begging him. I'm so angry I can't sleep.... I have no outlet....

Do I have a right to be this angry? Or am I expecting too much of him?

[LostSavant]

Men don't like to guess...I am a woman...but was raised as a man.....

Men prefer to be told right out....examples would be:
I want a hug because I am sad....I need to talk to a professional about my problems that I can not resolve by myself.
I love you and I know you are upset with me because I have a lot of unresolved issues, just having you be here when I need a hug or a kind word would help me so much.

Simplicity is the key.

When I'm in severe pain (I have alot of medical issues as well as depression, etc.) My dear husband didn't always know what he could do to stop my pain and that scared him, so he would shy away. I told him just being here for me, holding my hand gently, until the pain stopped.
The same goes in reverse (he suffers from back spasms). I can't make his pain go away, but just being there and patiently (and quietly) by him until his pain eases up, means alot to him.
We have been together for a very long time. We made several rules years ago which we still live by to this day.
No lying.
No beating.
No cheating.
No volunteering each other to do things for others.
To always be honest (even if it is brutely honest).
We tell each other everything, no matter how bad it may hurt, we get it out on the table (per se) then discuss our options of how to deal with the situation. To this day we are still best friends as well as life partners.

Sit down...and say you are sorry...and would like to start anew...by trying to be more direct, and not demanding but asking.....

Maybe his anger is a sign of fear...Men sometimes act out in anger when they are afraid...It is natural for them to react that way.....

I am not a professional by any means...I can only tell you what I know from personal experience. And a marriage counciler is always a good idea.

If you have any questions you can PM me....best of Luck...hope things improve for you and your husband.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello ((((((((JustAPixie))))))))

Savants' post is just about perfect. My partner have the same thing, if I have a bad day I just say "Arms please?" and he will stop what he is doing and hugs me until I feel ok. He knows how that makes a difference to me but it is my responsibility to ask him for that hug, he's not always a mind reader.

If I need help I am very specific in what I say and how I say it. Because it is MY responsibility to be aware of how I communicate and what I communicate (though I'm not responsible for how it is received, I do my best to be clear when I'm in need).

It seems as if your husband does simply does not have any answers and does not know what to do to help you; he is possibly turning away because he can't stand to see your face crying and rarely smiling. That is an issue most depressives have and people don't like being confronted by scowly or sad faces.

If it were me in your situation I would get not just couples counselling but a therapist for your mental health issues. We too have a responsibility to ourselves and not to just pin everything on someone else to do for us.

Take care and keep us up to date on how you go....Best of luck

[salukigirl]

I agree with the above. It took a LONG time to be able to just say what I want. Seems like we always want that romantic comedy where the guy always knows exactly what to say and do and can read our minds....but that doesn't happen.

I have had to learn that it's okay to say "will you just shut up and hold me please?" And I know he appreciates that much more and has learned what I want WITHOUT me having to say it. The other day all I wanted was a little seriousness and some reassurance. Maybe tell me how awesome he thinks I am lol. But he was just joking around. And I didn't even have to tell him this time. He just kinda figured it out. It was amazing!

While that is really mean I do understand being frustrated with the 'guessing'. Sometimes we feel like we have tried so many different ways of dealing with things and we get to this point where it's like "dude just suck it up". I admit I have done that with my bf when he has been upset about something and I try several different approaches and none work I just kinda snap. I agree with being forward, direct. But also make it clear that you do not deserve to be talked to that way.