[ACanthony]

Hello To make a long story short, I was going out with "Becky" for a 1 year. We loved each other so much (had some problems but who doesn't?). It was a great relationship. We promised each other over and over we'd get married (we are both kinda sensitive and need those reinforcements). However, in the past month she had TONS of trust issues stemming from a relationship in the past where the guy cheated on her. I am a great boyfriend and was always nice to her and more than trustworthy. When she has these problems she feels like she can't even talk to me so she decided to break up with me to "save me from herself." I begrudgingly agreed and convinced her to see a therapist and she's now getting help. We still talk as friends but her therapist felt it was set her back if she kept talking to me in the short term. Long term she said once she's better she'd contact me. Okay. So a week goes by, she calls and tells me she went out with "Paula" that night. I don't like Paula because she's a TERRIBLE influence and loves to pick up random guys. Becky promised not to hang out with Paula because she realizes she's a bad influence (Paula just broke up with her boyfriend and I know she'll be on the rebound trying to get guys). Not that I have a right to tell Becky what to do because we aren't going out but still, I know it would hurt me if I knew she's going out drinking with Paula. So she promised not to do it again. Tonight, a week later, I see on facebook that she's going out for drinks with Paula. She's staying over and I know they'll both be out drinking until 2 AM. This just hurts. I know Paula will attract guys and while Becky is a very good girl, she's single, she's going to be drunk, she's going to get hit on. I just am very upset she's doing this after promising. My rationale is if she promises not to see Paula (I'm not a controlling person whatsoever, Paula is practically the devil though) and she lies about that, who is to say she's not going to hook up with another guy. Yes, I'm playing out mental images in my head but this just hurts too much.

[ACanthony]

It just really hurts me. I understand the problem she is going through. She is just reliving the past hurts in her head and she feels like she's saving me from herself. But if I had a personal problem I wouldn't just get rid of her. I feel like trash. That's fine though I want her to get better and to be happy. But now I'M the one who is miserable and I know she is going out drinking with a very promiscuous girl. I can understand why she felt the need to break up with me, but not being able to talk to me just flat out hurts. It makes me feel like I did something wrong when I couldn't have been a better, loving boyfriend. I put 100% of my energy into her and I'd die for her. BTW, I deleted my Facebook account to prevent further things like that from happening.

[mysecretname]

I think that you need to concentrate on your own life... If the therapist recommended you not have contact, and she has decided to go on and live her life (which she should) then you should too. Don't worry about what she is doing with someone else while you are sitting at home waiting for you to call and say she is "better". Get back to living your own life, see your friends, be social... I am not saying go get wasted and pick up girls, that would probably not help... I think that if "Becky" was really worried about her road to recovery for herself, she wouldn't be going out and drinking. If she is not worried about recovering, then you can't be wasting your life waiting for her to "get better" and call you like nothing happened and get back to your old life.... With the hurt that you are feeling and what has occured, things will not be the same and if you both decide you want to try and work things out, it will be starting over and working through your problems... But that day may never come... Get back to living again...

[ACanthony]

Thanks for the advice. I agree with it, but we both still love each other, which makes it hard. On one hand, I do want to "wait" for her because I really do love her and I think she can get through her problems and I still really believe in her. She's a great person and great for my life. I don't want to move on because if I still love her, I don't know if I could just forget about her (and plus if I do meet someone else, would it really be fair for the other girl?). And on the other hand, I know I should move on and be social because this isn't healthy living!

[lotusflames]

at the end of it all, she's single, you dont really have any right to be telling her who she can (and can't!) hang around with. you never really did even when youw ere tgeother.

you say you're not controlling - sure sounds like it to me! You might mean it in the best possible way but that's just not how it came across.

let her live her life how she wants to! we all have to make the mistakes some time!

[Lilleth]

Get on with your own life

[Elana05]

Hey ACAnthony,

Yeah, Lilleth said it. Break ups are really hard, it's true. But here is the thing: you can't control another person. Just let go. Are you really going to wait around? I have found therapy super helpful with stuff like this and I hope you will consider seeing someone at least temporarily. Better to focus on yourself. As the old adage says, there are other fish in the sea.

E

[ACanthony]

I understand I can't control her and I'm not going to (yes in that situation with her hanging out with a slutty friend, yeah, I came off as controlling but that wasn't my intention). The problem is she still loves me. I didn't do anything for her to break up with me. She feels like she's doing me a favor. I honestly am not one to wait around. I know when to move on and when not to move on. In this situation I just feel like I should be strong and wait for her to settle her issues but I guess that's not the case. I'm the strong type, I like to think anything is possible with patience and hardwork, but I guess you guys are right. I should and will move on.

Yes, it's easy to just say move on with your life, but Becky is also my friend too. I know she's depressed and has problems, besides the fact that she used to be my girlfriend too, she's also my best friend. Just move on? It's much easier said than done.

[ACanthony]

What do you guys think I should do? I understand "move on." But keep in mind she's also my friend. Do I not talk to her at all? Talk to her like once a week? Do I completely remove her from my life? I honestly think I want to still be friends with her but it may do more harm than good. What do you think is the best course of action?

You have to decide the best course of action for you. I expect you would do better without contact until you are absolutely sure you are not harboring thoughts of a reconciliation.

[Laurie1041]

Originally Posted by ACanthony

What do you guys think I should do? I understand "move on." But keep in mind she's also my friend. Do I not talk to her at all? Talk to her like once a week? Do I completely remove her from my life? I honestly think I want to still be friends with her but it may do more harm than good. What do you think is the best course of action?

You are ruminating and obsessing. In my experience, my ruminations have never changed the outcome of any situation. You are powerless over "Becky's" choices and actions. Work on exercises (with or without a therapist) that will help you to keep the focus on you and your life.

Are you satisfied with your life? Do you have good relationships with a variety of people? Do you have a job that gives you satisfaction? How about hobbies? Do you derive joy from any hobbies? Do you like your own company? If our joy in life is only derived from a relationship then it increases the likelihood that we will feel like we cannot live or be happy when a relationship comes to an end.

Your obsession is self-imposed and will only cause you continued suffering.
The choice is up to you - continue to obsess and remain miserable or accept the fact that you could be greatly helped in all aspects of your life by learning some new coping skills. All the best, Laurie

[ACanthony]

I really appreciate all the help I agree I am ruminating! That is for sure. But it's not like the break up happened 2 weeks ago or 2 months ago. It just happened and the problem is we still love each other. Yes, I know I have to move on but if you love someone it's hard to just move on!!! Especially when the other person loves you too!!!!! Yes, I do have a lot of friends (definitely blessed with that) and a lot of nice family members and I do LOVE my life. I have a lot of hobbies (reading, in grad school, exercise). I am a very happy person and yes, I don't like being depressed like this! I MIGHT have like one sad day a month.

Yes, I agree I am powerless over her actions but at the same time, I still think she needs me. I know she loves me and it's hard to just remove her from my life if she is still my friend. Girlfriend or not, I want to see her happy.

Ya'll don't have to respond unless ya have any suggestions. For right now, I'm just going to be patient with everything, let everything unfold, and keep my head held high and continue to express my emotions and trust my friends will get me through this.

[salukigirl]

I don't feel like you're "controlling" per se. Some times 2 people can be awesome separately and you put them together and it's like a tornado. Sometimes that works but usually it doesn't.

I'll admit that I never really understood the whole being friends after a break up thing. You broke up for a reason right? Being friends will only make it more difficult for the both of you. I'm friends with an ex on facebook now and that took about 5 years. And we broke up kind of in the same situation as you. I was with a guy who abused me and was constantly berating him. I knew it was best for both of us to move on even though we still loved each other. We tried to be friends but that just didn't work. So even though I will always care about him, it was better for the both of us that we broke it off.

I also agree that if she really wanted to change she would surround herself with people that aren't bad influences. But also, you don't really have any right to tell her who she can and can't hang out with; whether you're dating or not. I may not like all my boyfriends friends, but I can't tell him to not be friends with them. There is a friend of mine that my boyfriend thinks is a total slut (to be perfectly honest) but he trusts me enough to know I would never do anything to compromise our relationship. If you are still worried then maybe she isn't the only one with trust issues?

In the situation with my friend. She is the one picking up guys and my boyfriend knows I'm the DD making sure she is safe and not allowing her to go home drunk with random dudes. If he ever accused me of anything based on the people I hang out with, we wouldn't be together. I think that maybe you should focus on the insecurities causing you to feel this way and not focus on hers. She did open up about it and understands that she does these things. That's gotta say something.

[Belle1979]

You ask how to move on.... It's not a question that can be answered really. You have to find something you enjoy and go do it, exercise it a great help with a break up - start with walking if nothing else, take time to be yourself.

You have to let yourself grieve, cry, yell do anything to get the emotions out of you head and in the open.

My T told me that I shouldn't have contact with my ex - he was right but I didn't listen and it became a terribly emotional time for me. If her T is saying that to her then he/she actually thinks her life would be better off without you in it (Sorry!!).

You can't help her through what she is going through as much as you want to. Just doesn't work that way.

A few months of complete NO contact - no text messages, no emails, no calls, no visiting will help - as much as right now you feel you cannot do this. Believe me I know.

You say that she loves you (is this what she is telling you?) because in some cases actions speak louder than words.

Listen to your gut and not your heart - hearts are full of hope and dreams but the 'gut' feeling is usually has the honest answer

I do hope that you are doing okay.