[wi_fighter]

This could go in caregivers or here, so here is where I'm putting it because it involves a phone call that I'm going to have to eventually make.

School has been in session for 2-1/2 weeks. We have online access to our children's grades. My ex is relentless in checking them and letting me know when he's less than happy with our daughter's performance. She already has 8 missing assignments and is getting F's and D's in some classes. Because she was staying with me the first 2 weeks of school, he called me to let me know we need to discuss her school performance. I let the answering machine pick up the call, like my counselor told me to do.

I ask my daughter every night when she gets home "what do you have for homework." I make sure she works on her homework every night, and keep checking on her to see how she's doing. How can I make sure she's doing homework that she doesn't tell me she has?

We get mixed messages from my ex constantly. One time he'll say it's my daughter's responsibility to do her work. If she fails, then maybe she'll learn to do better. The next, it's my fault that she's failing. Never is any of the responsibility his.

I dread calling him back and discussing this. It will be him pointing the finger at me, telling me that she belongs living with him during the school year. Thing is, she lives with him every other week, and she's still not getting her work done on those weeks, so why must I take 100% of the blame. I refuse to do it this time, but I don't know how to effectively talk with him.

If he thinks of me the way he's been telling me in e-mails, my opinion means spit and he's going to do what he wants anyway. I'd like to say "did you call Dr. Hitch? (the neuropsych that did an incomplete ADD assessment on the ex's insistance). Did you call the teachers? Did you call the psychiatrist that she has an appointment with?" If my opinion is worthless, why is he calling me first?

This is the guy who went against court orders and had her taken off Concerta for ADD because he insists there's nothing wrong with her that a good diet won't fix. She's been on an excellent diet now and it hasn't made one bit of difference.

I've let him do things his way and the results are no different, so why is it my fault?

Why are you taking it on as your fault? Are you going to let it stay this way, til she's grown?

[wi_fighter]

Pat, I don't want to take it on as my fault. He's going to try and do it though.

According to my joint custody book, if he brings up the issue, if he has the problem, then it's his problem to solve. Yes, I have a problem with her school performance and we've discussed it many times.

I talk to her when she gets home, see what she has to do, make sure she gets working on it, don't let her go hang out with friends and say she'll "do it later." How much more can I do? Go to school with her and make sure she's writing down all of her assignments? Because that's the only thing I haven't done yet.

And how do I say to my ex NO MORE BLAME POINTING or I refuse to discuss this any further, without him saying I'm being uncooperative. I need to protect myself, and if that means not putting myself in a position to be ridiculed by him, then I guess I have to be considered uncooperative.

[h0kie]

I'm assuming she is in high school, right. First, does she have some kind of assignment notebook? By the time she is in high school there is only so much you can do. If you haven't called the teachers, try that, but I don't think they'll be all too helpful since it is high school. Is there any posting of assignments on the web or via phone? My old school had some kind of homework hotline that we could use if we forgot.

You're right, you can only stay on her so much. She needs to think school work is important and right now, if I had to guess, I would think the ex is hurting more than helping. If Dad nags her no matter what, why do the work? Ya know?

You're doing everything you need to do as a mom. At some point, she has to take responsibility for her actions too. Could this be an ADD related issue? Like maybe she forgets? Sounds like a good enough reason for me to see about getting her ADD eval redone by someone competent.

Do what you think is right. Not "his way". Since you are being blamed either way, you might as well know in your heart you're doing everything YOU know how to help your daughter.

[wi_fighter]

Erin, she's a freshman this year. She has an assignment planner, but she conveniently "forgets" to write them all down.

There's no online assignment page. We only find out after the fact, when they post the grades.

I've already had the discussion with her that high school is different than middle school. They don't get nearly the amount of do overs, and if they fail the class, they have to retake it until they pass. She even told me last year that she wants to do well, but that she has no motivation.

[h0kie]

Hmmm...is she overwhelmed? Like I said, I would try to get the ADD evaluated again. Any chance she has an IEP or 504 plan due to her ADD?

What motivates her? Does she even know? High school can be scary that first year. You're doing all you can. We just have to keep trying different things until something clicks. It will eventually.

[wi_fighter]

Dad got the ADD diagnosis overturned, or at least had it questioned. Since the doctor had to do an incomplete evaluation, he said he couldn't give a definite diagnosis, but she likely has it based on his partial assessment. She has no plan in place and doesn't get any special accommodations since she doesn't have a formal diagnosis any more.

With her weight issues, we can't really have her on meds right now anyway.

[wi_fighter]

I *think* a found a constructive way to temporarily avoid the ex. :menacing smiley rubbing hands together:

OK, her grades include more than just homework performance, correct? It also involves classroom performance. Sooooo, I just called the neuropsychologist's office who evaluated her in July and requested teacher questionnaires. This is the doctor that the ex put his faith in to reverse the ADD diagnosis, so how can he possibly complain that I've now requested the necessary forms to make it a more thorough evaluation, especially since he says my work in the medical field for 15 years holds no weight as far as he's concerned? I'm just going over my own head on this one and going straight to the "medical expert." hehehehehehe If he complains about the eval including what it was supposed to include in the first place, he's going to come across as.......oh, I don't know......... a control freak.

[h0kie]

Good idea!

[darkeyes]

One thing that works, my son's elementary school use to have parents do this. We had to look at the homework and sign it as well as tests that all kids had to bring home for parents to see, sign and ask any questions to the teachers, rather through phone or written letter.
I also was a teacher's aide there for 5yrs before going to college, then I had to quit. Asking to see your daughter's homework before she relaxes for the evening really will help and make her aware that she just can't tell you she did it.
The signing by parent was at our school and not optional, but you do not have to do that just look at it. If she has to have a homework log to copy down assigments given for homework you can check the homework to what was assigned that day. This will make it hard for her to try to get out of doing it. One of my son's teacher, that he had for 2nd grade noticed he took longer than many to complete work, so at home she told me and some moms to put a kitchen timer on when they begin homework starting maybe with 30 minutes to 45, helps remind the child that many things have a time limit. It worked, he didn't like it but it worked. I hated to do this but he use to start gabbing with me and sort of put off getting the work done, so it also helped me to remind myself to not gab with him till his work was done.
Some teachers were brushing it off telling so many of us that our kids were ADD and have them tested, the psychologist said he wasn't, just being a kid. He also said he and his colleages (sp?) have been seeing over the years many parents and teachers jumping on the "ADD" wagon, it exists but not as high of a percentage as teachers and parents claim to see. Some of it just requires parental attention, structure and teaching self discipline.
Yes, all this takes time, patience, and rewards sometimes, but it works. Also when there is family problems kids will also distract, they feel the upset and not always know how to express it, nor do they always understand why things between parents aren't going well. What use to be sad is when kids took it upon themselves to feel guilty, that they were the cause to mom and dad's problems.
I hope I haven't talked off your eyes here, but just wanted to share some things. I think it is a good idea too, that when there are family problems, such as divorce, seperation, etc. that kids can benefit from family therapy, or see a child psychologist, a person unbias, outside of the family.
I wish you lots of luck with all of this, I could imagine what a toll it is having on you. Hang in there, and always feel free to come here and talk/vent.

Take care now,
DE

[wi_fighter]

DE, over the past 9 years that this has been a problem, we've done all the things you suggested, with the exception of the timer. She's been evaluated twice. Her doctors and teachers are not "jumping on the ADD bandwagon."

She's responsible for writing down her own assignments. If she fails to do it, I'm not psychic and can't read writing that isn't there.

[darkeyes]

Whoa! I didn't mean any insults, I didn't know this was going on for 9yrs. I didn't say or imply "she" was ADD or not. I was just sharing some things that I had experienced. I also did not say "her" doctors or teachers "were" jumping on the bandwagon, again just sharing some things I have seen and heard over the years.
Please, I did not mean to upset you, you do seem upset by my reply, and really shouldn't be, I apologize for my replies.
Sorry to hear so much is going on at the present, giving you stress. Hope things get better soon.
Take care now,
DE

((((((((((( wi fighter )))))))))))))))))


BTW
I also apologize that I failed to read other's posts and your replies more closely, I see if I had I would of not bothered replying as I did. Of what I see here, you have and are doing everything possible, an excellent mom.
Sound's like her dad needs a lot of therapy, he sounds like trouble. Sorry you have had to go through this with him.
I admire you greatly for all you are doing, have done, and patience.

rubbing hands together and giggling....you rock!!!! you can do it!!!

[darkeyes]

You mean "wi" I think, not me, right? Your reply went under my name. I know it happens.
Take care,
DE

[CompGeek]

Having your daughter see a therapist is a good idea. Personally if she was perscribed medicine for ADD by a doctor especially a therapist than she probably needs it. I am only 19 but am majoring psych with a focus in adolescent therapy I know that my opinion might not be all that valid but in class we did talk about children dealing with divorces/seperations. I would guess that her going back and forth from house to house is adding to her anxiety level. It is not your fault for the way things turn out. In reality if your daughter doesn't want to do her homework there is nothing that can really be done except to investigate why she is not doing it. perhaps she realizes on some level that by not doing well in school she is facilitating conversation between yourself and her father. she may think that by the prescence of this dialogue there is a chance that all of you will live in the same house again. Its not your fault... Please don't blame your self

-Jason