[acrazynao]

i told my husband about sleeping with someone who was both of our good friend. now i feel so much worse than even before. i didn't know how i felt about eitehr of them and i still don't. their friendship is ruined and it feels like its all my fault. i don't know where to go from here. neither of them want me now. i don't know if i can save what is left of my marraige or if i can save my friendship with the other man. i don't really know what i want anymore. i know it is selfish but if i could stay friends with both that would be my preference. its hard bc in a way i love both of them. i can't see myself having kids with my husband (between both of us being depressive i can't see us stable enough for kids) he is often there physically but is more often gone mentally/emotionally. i think thats why it happened in the first place. i've had a really rough year and he withdrew. he wasn't there for me and this other friend was. i know its not a good excuse. if there was a way that the trying my husband and i have been doing the last month would continue and i wouldn't be left alone again i think it could work. most of the time i feel like i should just disappear that if i wasn't around they could be friends again and everything would get better for them. i've really lost my way. i don't feel like i'm doing anything good in the world, just taking up space and ruining other peoples lives. i hurt so much and in a way i know i deserve it. the rational part of me says to move on with my life and do better, but i don't know how to do that or what to do.

[Tokyovogue]

Moving on is always really hard. Do you have some good friends that you can confide in? Maybe try spending time with them, talking about your feelings when you need to, but also taking time to just enjoy small pleasantries in life.

I've lost my way in the relationship I'm in right now - we're on a break because of it. Instead of feeling hollow or unhappy, I'm really trying to attack my own issues straight on while finding things in life that make me happy.

[Perna]

I think you have to concentrate on you and your life; you can't orchestrate their lives, they get to do that. You have to decide if you want to stay married and work on that relationship with your husband if he wants, let the other person go, let the friend go, he does not belong in your marriage, ever/at all. If you don't want to stay married you can move on but they are going to feel their own feelings and have their own thoughts about you and each other and you can't do anything about that.

[hoping4best]

U made a mistake by being unfaithful to ur husband. His reaction is only natural. Give him some time to digest this news and c what happens.

[madisgram]

well this has gotten a little messy. don't know where for you to start first. but you are married so that is a good place to begin. would you and your hubby go to counselling together? with this latest snafu he is feeling pretty distrustful i think. if you decide you want to try to save your marriage then counselling imho is a good way to go. you both need an objective person to help you all work out your relationship.
the next thought is, do you know why you had the affair to begin with? imho his friend was not his friend at all. if he had been he would have said no to you out of respect for your hubby. this whole thing was a double betrayal for your hubby.
i can't sugarcoat this situation cause it's so "polluted". i guess first you need to decide what you wish to do...stay or go...then go/build from there. we all make poor decisions in our life. so you're not the first and i make poor decisions sometimes too. just this is not one of them. i came from a family where mother hurt my dad big time. i swore i'd never act like she did cause it affected my life in a large way and my dad's. i saw the damage done to our family.
i hope you can mend fences if that is what you wish to do.

[acrazynao]

i don't quite understand my own feelings. 2 months ago i was ready to call it quits with my dh since we weren't getting anywhere. then this last month we have started to find our way back to eachother, but my mistake kept me from giving my all. now i feel like i don't want to be without my husband even though i am still terrified that he will disappear into himself again. i'm so lost. its been 7 months of trying to get my head on straight and i feel more lost than ever. it wasn't until after i told him did i start wanting to touch him and be held and want our relationship back.

[madisgram]

well can you all consider counselling? if you want to try to mend fences and the 2 of you work towards a common goal..staying together...then that would be a beneficial start.
BUT..your last reply sounds like you're really unsure of what you want. perhaps some 1 on 1 therapy for you might be the best way to start.

[acrazynao]

ya so to make all this so much more fun. we flew his friend in form out of town (different friend obviously) and they went to a strip club. came home with 2 girls. so 'his friend can get laid' i was asked to stay invisible as to not interupt that process. fml

I'm so sorry you're feeling so lost and alone! I don't have much advice other than to say that perhaps this was for the best. It seems perhapas you';re husband was pulling away from you anyways and this was just the last straw for huim, no matter what was going on in his head. When people are going through tough times, their loved ones should want to be there for them. Perhaps marriage counseling might be a good idea for you? I hope things get better for you. =)

Originally Posted by acrazynao

i told my husband about sleeping with someone who was both of our good friend. now i feel so much worse than even before. i didn't know how i felt about eitehr of them and i still don't. their friendship is ruined and it feels like its all my fault. i don't know where to go from here. neither of them want me now. i don't know if i can save what is left of my marraige or if i can save my friendship with the other man. i don't really know what i want anymore. i know it is selfish but if i could stay friends with both that would be my preference. its hard bc in a way i love both of them. i can't see myself having kids with my husband (between both of us being depressive i can't see us stable enough for kids) he is often there physically but is more often gone mentally/emotionally. i think thats why it happened in the first place. i've had a really rough year and he withdrew. he wasn't there for me and this other friend was. i know its not a good excuse. if there was a way that the trying my husband and i have been doing the last month would continue and i wouldn't be left alone again i think it could work. most of the time i feel like i should just disappear that if i wasn't around they could be friends again and everything would get better for them. i've really lost my way. i don't feel like i'm doing anything good in the world, just taking up space and ruining other peoples lives. i hurt so much and in a way i know i deserve it. the rational part of me says to move on with my life and do better, but i don't know how to do that or what to do.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by acrazynao

it wasn't until after i told him did i start wanting to touch him and be held and want our relationship back.

Dearest One,

I feel for you, I ask you to look at what you wrote above. This sentence shows clearly that you reached out after you told him of the indiscretion with the hope of keeping him close and in the hopes of having his love for you reaffirmed

You had opened up and spoke of something which had the potential to rend your marriage completely and the need for him to be close is the need for him to want you and forgive you for the indiscretion

So let any confusion of why you felt that way, completely dissolve. In truth there is silence and no confused thoughts. But give him time to digest this because it is to him like digesting bone

His actions in finding a woman and bringing her home is surely to hurt you and is lashing out at you to put up with it and see how it causes you to feel.

Only you can decide if you two are to remain wed. I understand his hurt but I do not understand his tit for tat thinking. Does this mean that when ever he thinks of the thing you did, he is going out to find a wench? That is not balanced and is not healthy, but please be prepared to tell him what you are thinking about this. Two wrongs do not make a right

Morgana

[acrazynao]

so nothing happened between him and either of the girls. they both slept with this friend. they also stole his laptop since he and his friend were too drunk to notice when they left. things are a bit better between us since it happened. i still believe that if we can both grow and work together this marraige has the capacity to get so much better than it was, but i am still so afraid he will withdraw once this current friend leaves. i guess its better to hold on to the hope but it hurts so much more when it breaks.