need advice about life threatening abuse

QUEEN OF WANDS · Jan 04, 2011, 12:13 PM

i went to a meeting this morning with victims services and she went through a pretrial with me..she brought me into the courtroom and explained what was going to happen..i have to testify directly sitting in front of him,,how intimidating.and i have to identify him,which means i am forced to look at him.she also told me the defense will question me and try to twist my words..i hope they dont believe i attacked him like he is saying...i have no pictures of the bruises and the police has not gotten any other witnesses to come and testify...they have not been very helpful,i know they are busy but they would have a stronger case if they took time to gather more info..it took them 5 days just to take my statement and would not get around to escorting me to the hospital when i needed to go,or bring me to take photographs..they are the ones charging him because that is how it works here,u would think they would want all that stuff..idk,i just need to have strength to get through it..i need to be able to move forward..please pray i have strength for thursday morning..

Tatyana2009 · Jan 04, 2011, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

i went to a meeting this morning with victims services and she went through a pretrial with me..she brought me into the courtroom and explained what was going to happen..i have to testify directly sitting in front of him,,how intimidating.and i have to identify him,which means i am forced to look at him.she also told me the defense will question me and try to twist my words..i hope they dont believe i attacked him like he is saying...i have no pictures of the bruises and the police has not gotten any other witnesses to come and testify...they have not been very helpful,i know they are busy but they would have a stronger case if they took time to gather more info..it took them 5 days just to take my statement and would not get around to escorting me to the hospital when i needed to go,or bring me to take photographs..they are the ones charging him because that is how it works here,u would think they would want all that stuff..idk,i just need to have strength to get through it..i need to be able to move forward..please pray i have strength for thursday morning..

hello. U r so brave. I know its hard. I know how u feel - as if the whole world is against u. My ex says i attacked him too. But think about it - with your ex history its pretty obvious that he is guilty.

It wont be easy to sit there in front of him and being questioned. But u know what happened. U know the truth. Just tell it how it was.

Are you able to speak with the prosecuting officer before the hearing?

Can i ask which country u live in?

I wish i could be there beside u on thursday. I will be in thought.

You are doing the right thing! Hugs xxx

QUEEN OF WANDS · 11:11 AM

he plead guilty to assault and they dropped the death threat charge..i did not have to testify.he will be sentenced on feb 18.the prosecuter is going to recommend 2 yrs probation and forced mental health treatment and classes.if he gets jail time it would only be a couple of months and they could not enforce the treatment or restraining order.

malapp1 · Jan 06, 2011, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

today my boyfriend was very aggitated and started treating me very badly,,he then started a fight and and left..(we live seperately)..but calling me and arguing over the phone..after a few times of answering the phone,,i decided to not answer and shut the ringer off..about an hour later he burst into my apartment in a rage and started screaming and i told him he really had to go,the baby was getting upset..he would not and started to scare me ..i went to the front door with the baby and he freaked out..he had a look in his eyes and he grabbed my throat very hard and squeezed it till i was about to pass out,,i had never had that much fear before of him,and telling me he was going to kill me..when he let me go he grabbed me and pushed me into the bedroom while telling me again..i begged him to stop and he finally did...he then went into the other room and started crying ,,first blaming me then telling me he is sorry..he spent the last 3 hours begging me and telling me it will never happen again..this is the 3rd time he has physically assaulted me in one year,,the first 2 were not very bad but fearful..i told him he really needed to get some help and i wanted out..he would not take that..he wants me to let him get some anger management..assaulting me with words and intimidation has happened the whole relationship,,it has been a nightmare relationship,,but i think statistics show that it will only get worse..he told me about his history of abuse with his exes and that he had learned to control it for the last 11 years(well the physical part)..we have been together for 4 1/2 years..IS he really sorry,,i told him to go to the hospital,,but they have dealt with him many times over the past 10 years they dont really give him help he says...he says meds dont work and gets very hateful when he is told things he doesnt want to hear or do...he explodes..today i see just how bad he can get..its been bad a long time and if this continues i believe he will either kill himself or me...when he was arguing on the phone i told him i would get a restraining order if he didnt stop(before he hurt me physically),,but really he is looking at his life and has so much bad feeling that i believe he would walk straight through the restraining order,,and if he did that then it would definately be the end of me because he doesnt do anything half way,,he follows through,and the restraining order would cause him to go after me with rage,,so,,do i believe if he gets help he is safe to let him be some kind of part of my life for the baby ,,or really am i just listening to 3 hours of pleas not to leave him...my neck still hurts,,its a little swollen and the skin feels raw,,but i would have to hide that from my family...i am not looking for sympathy..i just wanted to explain how hard he squeezed..i have created my own hell with the decisions i have made by staying through the abuse and crying the whole time instead of standing up and leaving..i have been standing up little by little for a year..he is extremely intimidating and then so pitiful afterwards..i think i have been listening to his excuses for his behaviour for so long i dont know what to think..he says he wants to better...i am looking for advice and statistics on if he is safe to believe he will get help..i think im still in shock..

You have got to go. You can't make a relationship out of delusions. When the mania takes over, there is no safe place to go. I am told that the person they love most is the normal victim. I know I was!

Tatyana2009 · Jan 07, 2011, 08:06 PM

Hi,

How do you feel about that? That he pleaded guilty, that he probably wont sit in prison and that they cant force treatment? I can imagine you are releaved you dont have to tesify... I hope you are ok!

What ever the result - he knows he cant get away with his behaviour. What bothers me a little is that he pleaded guilty only to assult. what about attempt murder? what about causing bodily harm?

How are you feeling physically? Are you seeing the counsellor?

Hugs and stay strong! You did not let him get away with it whatever the result! xxx

QUEEN OF WANDS · Jan 07, 2011, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Hi,

How do you feel about that? That he pleaded guilty, that he probably wont sit in prison and that they cant force treatment? I can imagine you are releaved you dont have to tesify... I hope you are ok!

What ever the result - he knows he cant get away with his behaviour. What bothers me a little is that he pleaded guilty only to assult. what about attempt murder? what about causing bodily harm?

How are you feeling physically? Are you seeing the counsellor?

Hugs and stay strong! You did not let him get away with it whatever the result! xxx

well,i feel like he has never really had to pay and own up to his behaviours,so he will never change..he plead guilty so he would get an easier sentence and they would drop the death threat charge,,he also managed to somehow get a pardon(or magically make his record dissappear),so the judge will never see his previous violence.his brother has VERY close connections with the police and has always helped get him out of trouble.it is sooo frustrating..i realize he has been on house arrest and will be until sentencing,so he kinda paid some that way,and he does have to have people know he assaulted me,,but moreso i believe he will have to answer for his behaviour when he dies,,,idk,i just wish it was over and i could move on without fear...seeing him yesterday triggered some really deep hurting emotions and i am trying so hard to heal..but i seen a councellor today and she helped me...hope u are doing well,,ty for replying,, in the future when its not so hard i look forward to talking to you about both of our experiences

...have a good night Tatyana

Rhiannonsmoon · Jan 07, 2011, 09:32 PM

Dearest (((Queen))),
What a terrifying time for you after everything else you went through. I loathe those plea bargains, they do not address the problem just move it on. I can't believe they don't want jail time! He deserves at least 5 years for what he did to you. Hon just make sure that they keep him away from you and that you have a phone and a mace spray on you all the time just to be on the safe side; that way if he comes after you, you can blind him and call 911.

I'm glad you were spared the need to testify though. Once he is sentenced you need to make an application for victims of crime compensation. You will be compensated financially for everything you have been through. It may not be much but it will be a start for you and something positive out of such a bad situation.

Love and Hugs to you dear (((Queen)))

Tatyana2009 · Jan 08, 2011, 07:18 AM

http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Tatyana2009 · Jan 08, 2011, 07:21 AM

I read your other thread so thought the link might be useful with regards to your question how to be able to say no and not feel bad sbout it. I will reply to your post above a bit later. Hugs xxx

QUEEN OF WANDS · Feb 22, 2011, 08:15 AM

well its been a hard 3 1/2 months..i went to court on the 18th and managed to be strong enough to get up and read my victim impact statement...took every nerve i have,but i did it..after i got up and the councel spoke to the judge,,he asked my ex to stand and gave him a lecture,,he told him he needed help and said some things that were harsh but true,that made me feel good,,and obviously my ex was embarrased..i also found out some things about the case,,the death threat charges were dropped because he plead guilty to the other..the charge was not lessened,its still inditable..he also did not get a pardon,,the only person that had his record was his own lawyer,,for some reason the prosecuter could not find one,but when the judge asked about a record,his lawyer had to turn it over,,it is a very long and dangerous record...his psychiatrist that he started seeing after the assault sent a recommendation to the judge for him to be turned over to mental health court,,that means he will have to have regular treatments and appointments to follow,,he will have to go to detox for his marijuana use,,see a psychiatrist,go to programs,and follow very strict guidelines ,,if he breaks anything or does not attend anything he automatically get turned back over to regular court and he will be sentenced to prison for 2-5 years..there was a reporter in the court room frantically taking notes,,i did not notice him till after i got up and read my statement,,so this will be in the papers,,people will know how bad it was,,....im not sure how to feel about all of this,,i really do hope he gets help and learns to become a better person,,but i also feel like i dont have closure..the fear is still in me and im having such a hard time to move forward..my doc told me if i continue to isolate myself and live in the past i will never be able to live in the present and for the future,,he also recommended i attend a crisis councelling group that will teach me some skills..i dont know how to let go of the fear and the hurt...so im not sure what the heck im doing right now except living

Feb 22, 2011, 11:13 AM

Hello, QUEEN OF WANDS. Your courage is admirable. I hope you are able to find peace.

IceCreamKid · Feb 22, 2011, 05:15 PM

Call the police and report this man before he kills someone.

QUEEN OF WANDS · Feb 22, 2011, 05:31 PM

already did that ice cream kid...its been a long journey..if u read the whole thread u will see..ty for caring

Tatyana2009 · Feb 22, 2011, 06:00 PM

Hi, I think - and I am sure you know, your T is right. The way forward is by taking this couragous step and moving into socialising and meeting people. Otherwise he wins all over. Having said that - do give yourself time. Do not feel like you have to rush yourself. It takes time to move beyond the trauma and heal. There is no need to feel like you have to do something. The only thing you have to do is be good to yourself. Look after yourself and remember you are worth it.

I understand you feel you have no closure - its like - all this happened and now what? But I believe that we are able to give closure to ourselves through understanding that what happened is in the past and now you are healing. Its as simple as that.

You are doing well. It takes a lot to get through all this, including the court. In time you will feel stronger. Remind yourself you are safe now and you are allowed to live your life happily and successfully.

Hugs xxx

struggling2010 · Feb 24, 2011, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

well its been a hard 3 1/2 months..i went to court on the 18th and managed to be strong enough to get up and read my victim impact statement...took every nerve i have,but i did it..after i got up and the councel spoke to the judge,,he asked my ex to stand and gave him a lecture,,he told him he needed help and said some things that were harsh but true,that made me feel good,,and obviously my ex was embarrased..i also found out some things about the case,,the death threat charges were dropped because he plead guilty to the other..the charge was not lessened,its still inditable..he also did not get a pardon,,the only person that had his record was his own lawyer,,for some reason the prosecuter could not find one,but when the judge asked about a record,his lawyer had to turn it over,,it is a very long and dangerous record...his psychiatrist that he started seeing after the assault sent a recommendation to the judge for him to be turned over to mental health court,,that means he will have to have regular treatments and appointments to follow,,he will have to go to detox for his marijuana use,,see a psychiatrist,go to programs,and follow very strict guidelines ,,if he breaks anything or does not attend anything he automatically get turned back over to regular court and he will be sentenced to prison for 2-5 years..there was a reporter in the court room frantically taking notes,,i did not notice him till after i got up and read my statement,,so this will be in the papers,,people will know how bad it was,,....im not sure how to feel about all of this,,i really do hope he gets help and learns to become a better person,,but i also feel like i dont have closure..the fear is still in me and im having such a hard time to move forward..my doc told me if i continue to isolate myself and live in the past i will never be able to live in the present and for the future,,he also recommended i attend a crisis councelling group that will teach me some skills..i dont know how to let go of the fear and the hurt...so im not sure what the heck im doing right now except living

sounds like things went pretty well and agree with the psycho therapy and your Doctor's recommendation.
i am going to court myself on 4/1/11 and will be asking he is sanctioned to get psycho therapy as anything else won't help him. i agree with you that i too will him to be a better person. for himself and for those around him.
people in these situations do not change on their own and simple jail time doesn't "fix" the problem they have. therapy is best situated to keep them from doing it again / from future harm. deterring them with jail time is just that, but doesn't help in making the person a better fit for ... society.
i too hope the judge will grant that for mine.
when i spoke with the DDA she said pretty much the same thing, he needs counseling ... at least a year before i should ever be anything with him and with PROOF of it. and that I should find local groups to go in person.

wish you the best!

Menu

need advice about life threatening abuse

My Support Forums