need advice about life threatening abuse

Have you reported these occurrences and your fear to the police?
If he's not abiding by the house arrest then he can be taken away.
what are you waiting for?
not making sense. report him, if he's breaking the law, he's taken into custody.
simple

wish you the best.

I'm very impressed that you got out so fast and I'm happy you're safe in a shelter. If your mother sees him parked outside her house, she should call the police, since he's supposed to be under house arrest. Can someone from the shelter go with you, to the doctors? You should take a cab and don't take the bus. I'll keep you in my prayers.

((((((((Queen of Wands)))))))) I just want to echo everything Lynn says above. Your Mom for sure need to call the police if this guy is lurking around her house. And please do take someone with you when you go to your appointment tomorrow (((((((((((Queen of Wands)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry that this man is still on the loose. I don't understand why breaking his House Arrest isn't considered a new crime, for which he should be locked up???

Thinking of you and sending you love and strength

we have reported the incidents but each time the police go to his house he is there..we were advised to record everything..I AM NOT WAITING FOR ANYTHING! I AM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT!and i do not appreciate the sarcasm..this is hard enough.i went to my appointment with some help and am starting meds...my fear was overwhelming yesterday but feeling much more positive today...i am a survivor and will gain strength to see this through with my head held high...thank you for your caring and support...struggling 2010 i am sorry for what u have experienced as well..i do not have the time to go respond to your first post..but i can see we have similarities..altho u seem to come across harsh or angry..i cannot handle negativity right now..too busy caring for my children and making a better life for them....thank you again all

I'm sorry if you took offense to my post. Please don't take offense ... i have a ... humh, nice way to put it as someone said ... matteroffact ... approach and it can come off wrong.

but what i was saying it what others are concerned about as well. who needs that guy ... lurking around EVEN with a PO and etc ..., especially from what we went through. What we've read, you or the next victim can end-up dead and MUST AVOID for sure.

sorry that you are going through such ... harassment though. this part is something i don't get either. BUT from reading so much of late, PDs can be an extremist as well as nonsensical in their actions.

Just when the actions are life threatening ... NO TOLERANCE should be the rule. I did struggle, feeling empathy for my ex. But really, i've come to a resolve and got the closure I needed. Forums did help in some aspects of hedging forward and past what happened. Though, you'll find / later realize you knew everything they're telling you anyway ... in the back of your mind / somewhere in your mind.

Yours though didn't stop. And though at this point it's not about grieving over what happened and the loss of a relationship of love but more of the focus these days are about FEAR AND SURVIVAL.

I hope his charade STOPS ASAP for everyone's sake involved! Sorry law enforcement can protect you anymore too.

Take good care and be safe. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to be terrorized in the manner you've been going through since you've left and can't really "LEAVE" him.

Hello struggling2010,

Two of my alters have that problem, I'm very careful what I say now and moreso "how" I say/write it; it's so easy to come of "sounding" rough when there is absolutely no intention of it.

Poor Queen has had such a bad time and I think she is jumpy, nervous and very afraid and needs our most positive support. I know you know that and I know you didn't mean to offend.

Take care,

Rhiannon

Hello Dear Queen,

Thinking of you each day as you make this scary journey. Knowing you can and will make it through and create a better life for yourself and your children.

Don't think about the "what will I say" speach to your baby, that will happen as it should and you will know to speak from your heart.

Love and Hugs to you Queen

Rhiannon

So very glad to hear that you made it safely to your appointment yesterday ((((((Queen of Wands)))))))) It's great that you've started on medication and that you're feeling more positive today. You are so right that you are a survivor!!! You are incredibly strong, and your children are lucky to have you as their mother Wishing you all the very best

I agree with ((Sundog and Rhiannon)) - you're doing great and it's takes a strong person to get away from the clutches of an abuser.

well i was speaking with victim services today and apparantly the court date on the 25th is just for him to enter his plea..they do not expect him to go to trial until January or February...makes life harder but i cant let the fear take over..i will take every precaution..i accept if it happens ,it happens, maybe if I end up hurt then the police will open their eyes wider on protecting victims of domestic violence...they seem to think the house arrest is fine for now,,and if he breaks it then they will take action.....i am sorry if i jumped and got defensive in my last post..i am just all over the place with my emotions....i will be moving into a new apartment next weekend..my family will be very close but i am still afraid...i wish i could just walk outside,,i havent taken the baby out unless its in a cab to my moms and back...i am having alot of guilt for being with this man for so long..i am also fighting my emotions for grieving...i will never be in another relationship like this..i will listen to my gut when the signals are flashing long before anything will happen..i plan on staying single for quite a while..i never even would be in this situation if i hadnt of had a breakdown when my ex husband and i separated..i met this man 6 weeks later and i was in really bad shape mentally, but i have my head straight this time and i will take time to heal and better myself...thank you all so much for your encouragement..i dont get much time on the computer at the shelter so i just try to update..it makes me feel good to be able to write on here and know some people may understand...thank you all for caring.....much love and hugs

Hey Queen. I have been reading about how he's been sitting in front of your mom's house while on house arrest. She ought to take pictures or a camcorder. Of course, pics wld be hard to prove the date but if she has videoon her camera, she should video him the in the same shot take video of the newspaper showing the date. I know that sounds paranoid but if the cops won't so anything unless he's caught, that would be just as good. This guy is dangerous to everyone, including your mom. Please stay safe, Queen You and your little one will be in my thoughts

well he was driving up and down my street every so often during his one hour a day that he's allowed to leave his apartment,and he activated his facebook account and was on my friends list from a long time ago..i did not see him driving but my brother who goes outside to smoke has a few times...so my brother went to his contacts on the street ,and my ex was warned from 3 people(big guys) to drive a different way..i told my brother i do not want any more violence even towards him,,it will only cause more trouble but ,he has not driven by since..and my face book account,i blocked him..then transfered all the people i trust to a new account,then deactivated the old one..trial Jan.6..i am feeling more confident but am suffering PTSD from the incident on top of the trauma from my childhood,but the childhood ones have calmed for now..yesterday was very hard with severe burning around my neck and mental anguish,but today i am doing well,,it has started to flare up from reading my threads but i needed to know how far i have come..again ty for all your help

I'm in total agreeance- GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!! You don't need that, and neither does the baby!

I have a couple of questions... you said that he's done it before, so did he say those times that it would be the "last time?"

Also, does his family know that he has severe anger issues?

You don't need someone like this. Please get the help you need!!!!

ty for your concern missing..you should read through the thread tho because i did leave..i was so confused that night

I posted before my screen fully loaded and I didn't see that there were multiple pages. I apologize!

I'm really glad you left. He hasn't been threatening any of your friends and family so he can get information, has he?

Dear Queen,

This is the first time I am coming across your thread.

I read your first post on it now and the last page.

Your first post - well - I can hear shock and panic and confusion and fear. I am so sorry. It was a scary, awful and dramatic experience. He could have killed you. First know that your reaction is completely normal.

I understand that you now left him and there is a court process. Are you in shelter with your baby? Is the baby his? Is the hearing for an injuction or also to prosecute for the abuse?

I would like to congratulate you for leaving and for taking positive action for your own well being and safety. Its very very hard to leave relationships like this. Some of the stuff you wrote are so classic - the guilt, the confusion, the questioning of oneself and wondering if you are crazy, the fear, the panic and the need for reassurance, the need to believe that the man you loved is not a bad person, the need to believe that its not all over...

The truth is - that a lot of what he told you (without me knowing him) is lies. Its not about controlling his behaviour. Its about his own belief system and his own perceptions, his own emotional abilities and motives.

Abusive men view women as their possession. They are driven by control and power and any (even small) challenge (or what they percieve as challenge) to their control, power and rules - is a good enough justification for violence, emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

I am glad to read that you are being careful. The statiscs show that 75% of severe violence happen when the woman is trying to leave or leaving the man. Most happen post separation. I read of stories where the guy did not adhere to any court orders and tried to kill the woman. I am not saying this to scare you. I am saying this to warn you.

I do not know where you live but different countries have different services in place. Are you seeing a counsellor? if not - its worth starting. What you are dealing with is tough - like you said - you are dealing with the trauma, with the grieff over the loss of your relationship, with low self esteem and with all the confusion that relationships like this cause.

I know - I am in a similar situation to you. I left my partner after he was violent. After a period of working on things while I stayed away - I could see that it will never change. That he will never change and will never be able to give me what I need. So I moved to a house - not telling him - and when I did tell him that its over, that I am moving on and that I want to collect my stuff from his house - he became scary and angry (on the phone). He now prevents me from coming to collect my stuff. I am worried that he will find me. I bumped into him in the middle of the street the other day and the more I think about it - it was not a coincidence. So I am being very very careful.

I have been reading a lot about abuse in the last year - a good book is 'Why does he do that: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. Another good book is 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

I know its hard. I keep reminding myself that the hardest bit is done - leaving him. But every day is a struggle... Just do not feel guilty for staying all that time - some women never leave...

Hugs x

yes it is a big ordeal but he is now on house arrest till the trial..and i surrounded myself with family for protection..i will testify on January 6 and hopefully he will not bother me again,,at least while he's put away,he has stocked past girlfriends for years so depending on how long he is in i may move out of the city for a few years if i dont feel safe..ty for your caring Missing..alot more work ahead of me buti am doing 100x's better ..hope u are doing well too .. the human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it..i like that saying

P.S. i am also commenting on your other thread

ty tatyana ,yes i fled to an abused womans shelter..i am starting coucelling (altho she had a family emergency till after the trial)..i have started meds and i have gotten myself safe..i was told by victims services i am in EXTREME danger of being killed by him..they have some kind of scale system to measure the threat and he was all the way to the top and even had other disturbing things against him..its hard to believe i could be sucked in with words for so long to the point i questioned everything..its like he was inside my mind,,but i will get better..i will look for those books but probably not right away,,i am trying to just get through this for now..i have ptsd and reading too much about it triggers my neck to burn and hurt..hopefully that will stop over time..actually i read too many of my own threads tonight,,i have come a long way from where i as in the beginning..ty for your concerns .. i think you should get more safe too..praying for you ((hugs))...

Where is the baby? is he/she with you?

What are the meds? are they helping?

I can understand that the victim services rated it as extreme danger. Just from reading your posts I can see that. You were very lucky that day that he did not kill you. I hope he gets locked up. Just keep looking after yourself. What are the other disturbing things they have against him?

I know what you mean when you say that its like he was in your head - they are so manipulative and do it so gradually that by the time you know something is not right you are so deep in it and so confused. These men are killers - they kill women spirit. And when the spirit is deminished its hard to make decisions, think straight and act.

You sound stronger now. I am sorry all these things trigger. The first book I mentioned is written for women in our situation - so its written in a gentle way and in a very caring way. I think you will find it helpful also mentally and emotionally as well as the info in it. I read it when I was still living with him. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read it while having a bath - it helped me getting stronger and helped me in leaving.

Thank you for your concern about me. Yes - I am doing everything possible to keep safe. I am scared too but I have the police here informed of the situation, and my neighbours know. Thank you for your prayers. I pray for you too. The truth is - we do not need man. We should be with a man because we want to - because he is worthy of us. Not because of our needs. I hug you too dear one and hold your hand as you walk through this xxx

yes i brought the baby with me .i am a good mother and would never leave him.he has already had positive changes in the past couple of months,he no longer is afraid of people.the meds seem to be working,but i was in such anxiety for so long im not sure where i should be,,i see the doc on the 29,,he will evaluate..the ex has a long record..victims services told me he has theft,drug convictions,weapons convictions,assault,breaking probation,pointing a gun,restraining orders,trespassing which had to do with stalking,the most disturbing is that 13 yrs ago when his ex girlfriend of 10 yrs tried to leave him he had a standoff with 27 police officers,with attacking pitbulls and butcher knives strapped to his wrists.it lasted 6 hours.he almost killed her that day.. he got sent to a mental institution,,and they are talking of doing that again..i remember reading it in the paper back then,,i cant remember now but there is more..i cant believe i was with this man..my spirit was totally diminished(but coming back),,he sucked every ounce of it out of me and all the good i have he would drain to the point of exhaustion..i have been through hell and i am looking forward to having only good people in my life..i will continue to be strong..you are in my thoughts and prayers..i dont have any time left..gtg tc

Good that baby is with you. How old is he?
I am sure you are a wonderful mother. I have no doubt about that
Its important that your son has nice man role models around him from now on - so next time just choose carefully. Take your time with men - just say you have a son so you want to be sure its the right relationship.
I am glad he is happier and no longer afraid of people - thats good. He has been through trauma as well - and at that age it can affect the brain - make sure you hug him a lot with his face to you and look into his eyes with big smiles as much as you can - at least 10 times a day - it will affect his brain development positively and help heal the trauma.

My god - your ex history is devostating. I hope he will be locked for a long time. Can it be classified as attempt murder? (sorry - I hope I am not triggering)

The realisation of being with a guy like this is hard. Its hard for me to think I have been with an abuser, a violent person, a manipulator, a lier, a man who loved to hurt me... so to think that you have been with an outright criminal is very hard. Did you know any of this stuff?

I know what you mean about the exhaustion and draining you - when I left in March - I packed a suitcase and left - with the last bit of strength I had... now I am so much stronger... yes - the spirit does come back but I feel I am carrying this weight and it wont go away...

Thank you for your kind words. Kiss your baby for me. I hug you and wish you a wonderful, peaceful and joyous xmas! xxx

my baby is 17 months and i hug and play with him alot,tho im not perfect,nobody is,so it does get hard if im going through things like the ptsd...i did not know these things about my ex at the time we met,but over time i did find out some,,by then my mind was trying to believe he was no longer like that,,and by the time i realized he was still a selfish,mean person it was too late for me to be able to walk away..he would intimidate me and then started to become violent then he would act so sorry and tell me if i only understood him that i would not want to leave,,he had my mind extremely manipulated and by the end i couldnt think straight at all,he is a con,and i call him a master manipulator..i lived in constant turmoil and fear..i have to stop now(too hard ,its getting to me) but i hope ur spirit comes back fully soon..i know it takes time and i can already feel mine coming..tc tatyana..i will write more when its not as hard...god bless

Hi again. How has your xmas been?
I decided to have a quiet one by myself and deal with all the emotions.
Of course it gets hard to look after him when you suffer. He is in a lovely age - and I can imagine he is giving you a lot of strength.
How did you find out these things about your ex? I am sorry he was so abusive and manipulative. Like my ex - a human vampire. I am glad your spirit is coming back and I can only imagine how tough it is to write about this. Please - if you feel overwhelmed then you do not have to write.

I have been my ex for 7 years. We were engaged. We lived in a huge lovely house and were looking after his 2 kids when they visited every other weekend. We went through a lot together. It was not all bad. When it was good - it was so good. He was my best friend. He was not a criminal. He was not violent to other people (with the exception I think of his ex wife when they were married). We had periods when it was lovely. But the times when he was abusive were devostating. Confusing. Heart breakin and making me weaker and weaker. He would never make a decision about anything. He would make it always so stressful. He would make promises and did not carry through. His verbal abuse was awful. His emotional abuse was just so devostating and then he became violent. When I left - I left with such little power. I spent the last year rebuilding myself. Now - that I am stronger and just want him completely out of my life and to move on, he keeps all my belongings and wont give them to me. He says he still wants to get married and when I ask for my stuff - he invents some excuse why I cant come and get it or why he cant send it to me until a few weeks... Although he does not know where I live - I still feel he is power over me as he has my things. I think he cant cope with the fact that I m moving on. He had so many chances. So much time to do something about his problems. He drinks and has not stopped. He could have married me and did not. And now he still wants to keep me captive. I have never met anyone so selfish, so cruel, so hurtful with no consideration to others wants and feelings. He scares me just thinking how he considers me as something to serve his needs. Its very hard to integrate all this...

Is the refuge helpful? Did you get to speak to a counsellor?

If you have some money - its useful to see a chinese doctor - with herbs and accupuncture they can balance the body and help you heal, balance your emotions and speed recovery. I dont know what I would have done without it.

Happy, safe and beautiful xmas to you and the little one. I am sure he is very proud of you x

thank u tatyana..merry christmas..i have had a beutiful christmas with all my children and the baby was so happy..i found out his past ,some by what he told me then i found out they were true and the other stuuf he didnt tell me through his criminal record that victims services were happy to give the info about...my spirit is coming back and i am trying very hard to think positively...i am so sorry u were with a person like that too..i can feel ur pain and know exactly how it feels...i am happy u were able to have a peaceful christmas and may ur days only get better...i will think about what u said about the doc..i have no money to do that but maybe in the future...ty tatyana and when i get past the trial and am able to put a plan for my future into place i will be able to talk to u about it more,,it is hard right now..have a wonderful night