[SakuraLi]

Hello, after all my research, postings on here and soul searching I have decided its best to leave my mentally ill boyfriend. We have had our ups and downs and we are still in a rough patch for the 10,000 time. He`s a good guy but this kind of life is not for me. He has been in a paranoid delusional state for several months now, its not bad or anything he just says he is stressed out. He has been a bit distant, which is not like him at all but at least he has been civil and nice about it but I can`t deal with this anymore. Not just because of this but the whole relationship. Im getting my needs met very little and its just very tiring after 7 years of this. How do I leave in a kind and gentle way without bringing up any of my unpleasant feelings? Whats the best thing to say? Or how can i get him to leave me first? I`d honestly like for him to leave me. I really need out NOW but I just need a way out that is the most pleasant for him. I need to leave because I`m very depressed unhappy and need to think about my own wellbeing now. I know Im in serious need of therapy not just about this relationship but for everything in my life. Plus, my school work is suffering as well, i need to maintain my grades because i have a scholarship that is paying a huge part of my school. So the sooner the better. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Belle1979]

Just be honest.. tell him face to face and dont back down no matter what happens.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

[quote=SakuraLi;1550135]Hello, after all my research, postings on here and soul searching I have decided its best to leave my mentally ill boyfriend.

I`d honestly like for him to leave me. I really need out NOW but I just need a way out that is the most pleasant for him.

I need to leave because I`m very depressed unhappy and need to think about my own wellbeing now.

I know Im in serious need of therapy not just about this relationship but for everything in my life. quote]

Dear SkuraLi,

This must be a very hard decision for you to make, but an important one if it has come to this stage. You shouldn't back down out of pity because that is devaluing your own feelings and that isn't a good thing. You have support here too, not judgement.

I can understand you wanting him to leave you because it absolves you of any responsibility and from your point of view it means you are not hurting him because it is his choice, his decision. It just doesn't happen that way and I'm really sorry because I know what you mean and I think you deserve a break.

It's really good that you know you need a therapist; some people are in such denial about the fact, and try to battle through but become more confused. I really hope you find an excellent therapist who can help you.

Thank you too for being brave enough to be totally honest, because it is that step in sharing your truth which allows you to prepare for the coming seperation.

As Belle has said, just be honest with him; that is the best and fairest thing to do (Belle has never been wrong yet with her gentle and caring truth), because it is pointless leaving him to think things are ok when factually they're not ok.

I really and trully hope that you find the strength for this but if you don't then we are here to support you. Being the significant other of someone with mental illness is not an easy thing to do, but heck you gave it more than enough, and I honour that.

Thinking of you and sending my support,
Rhiannon

[SakuraLi]

Thanks for your input Belle and Rhiannonsmoon. I am just trying to think of what I should do. Because I keep having second thoughts and weighing the pros and cons of breaking up with him vs staying with him.

I'll just keep trying to see what's what for a while longer and try to get him to communicate more then I can figure out if I should leave or not. I love my BF dearly and I would not want to leave him but I'm getting so overwhelmed by the current state of the relationship and my emotions, plus managing my school work.

Breaking up with a man I've been with for 7 years and helping him everyday on his issues and trying to build a life with him is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I'm frustrated with him but I was thinking today could I really go through with it?

[Emotionally Dead]

I will tell you one thing, being with someone for a long time and trying to build up their confidence or help them through their troubles is not the way to go, though it is very thoughtful.

I was with a girl for two years and during that process the only thing that happened was I raised her self confidence and she lowered mine. So it's not a good thing for you. Now one thing you have to realize is to not be selfish in this situation. After all, this is your decision and you have to play it out. You can't just sit there and try to make him dislike you enough to break up with you because that is just wrong and is very selfish. It's your decision and although it is probably the right decision, don't back down from it. When you feel it's time you'll know and when that time comes tell him peacefully and calmly and tell him face to face. Although you should let him know that even though it's not working at this time it doesn't mean it never will. He may get better with his problems and you better with yours and some time it might actually work out. Right now you just need to have a break and some time away from him, get you some therapy and go from there. Best of luck.

[SakuraLi]

Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead

I will tell you one thing, being with someone for a long time and trying to build up their confidence or help them through their troubles is not the way to go, though it is very thoughtful.

I was with a girl for two years and during that process the only thing that happened was I raised her self confidence and she lowered mine. So it's not a good thing for you. Now one thing you have to realize is to not be selfish in this situation. After all, this is your decision and you have to play it out. You can't just sit there and try to make him dislike you enough to break up with you because that is just wrong and is very selfish. It's your decision and although it is probably the right decision, don't back down from it. When you feel it's time you'll know and when that time comes tell him peacefully and calmly and tell him face to face. Although you should let him know that even though it's not working at this time it doesn't mean it never will. He may get better with his problems and you better with yours and some time it might actually work out. Right now you just need to have a break and some time away from him, get you some therapy and go from there. Best of luck.

Thanks for the input E.D. i would not want to make my bf not like me in order to get him to dump me as you implied. I only meant i want him to dump me if he doesnt think its working out for him. i dont want to create more probs than there needs i just need to think of a solution. me and my bf talked b4 about what would happen if we split. he said he doesnt want to come back to me but id keep the door open 4 possibilities so id have no choice but to let him go because thats what he wants and id respect that and he also wouldnt want 2 be friends either cuz he said he doesnt want to see me with a new guy.It felt so weird 2 have him say all that to me but thats life it hurt but he was not tryin 2 b hurtful just honest. if i really end up leaving him first i have 2 try 2 make my self emotionally detached from him which i dont know how i can even go about do that? i love him deeplyi feel i cant do that and i will always love him even if im with someone elsereal love doesnt just vanish

[Belle1979]

The loves doesn't die but it fades over time.

is couples counselling a possibility? not to fix anything but just to be able to get an impartial opinion? or some advice as to how to cope if you do stay together?

[SakuraLi]

thanks for the suggestion belle. couples counceling is not possible right now tho. he is in a different city going to college. the problem is more mine than his right now since I`m overloaded with stress and various personal issues. i got really scared about his SZ when i finally read about the condition a few months ago. so that fear adds to my stress. thats why im more interested in therepy for my self right now. it would help to sort out my own feelings, some of which have nothing to do with my relationship. then after i get help, then we could look into counceling together ifhe wants to go and if we have more problems. plus this morning he sent a pleasant email so it eases my worry a little bit. after reflecting on my own feelings a lot i feel like now i really need to fix myself then once i get my own stuff in order then the relationship might be better.