I want to apologize, but have rightfully been cut off...

Hi. I'm new here, and not sure where to start, so I suppose I'll begin at the beginning of what I've been bothered by recently.

A couple of months ago, I started dating someone considerably younger than me (we'll say 12-15 years, I'm 37). Bethany (not her real name) was sweet, kind, funny, and fun to be around. At the outset, I tried to be as straightforward as possible, and explained that I'm not necessarily looking for something long term. It seemed for a moment that she might be. Anyway, we decided mutually that we were simply going to enjoy our time together, and have some fun. We did. At some point though, I think I subconsciously wanted more, as I found myself coming around a little too often and wanting to spend more and more time with her. I guess I don't know how to admit to myself that I truly want long term and stable companionship.

A couple of weeks ago, she put the brakes on. She didn't even dump me at first, just a gentle prodding to spend a little less time together. I thought I was OK with this, but I guess on sensing imminent rejection, I couldn't handle it, and I suppose I turned up the heat a little. I think I probably have issues with attachment/abandonment. At any rate, she then put an end to things, as I was expecting she would do. Emotionally, I completely flipped out. Crying and hurting from the pain (despite the fact that this was only a 60 day fling), I showed up at her house a couple of times unannounced. In my insecurity, I even demanded to know if this was about her dating or wanting to date someone else. I'm ashamed that I even woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night and walked by to see if anyone was staying over. This part worries me. It's not who I try to be or who I want to be.

She told me it certainly wasn't about anyone else, and re-explained for the umpteenth time that this was about the fact that we're heading in different directions and that it "just didn't feel right." After a couple of days I told her I thought it would be healthy for both of us if I just dropped out of sight for awhile and she agreed.

So, completely ignoring my own inclinations, I then proceeded to "run into" her last weekend after she told me she was hanging out with her roommate and their mutual friend. Of course, I found what I went searching for when I saw her out on a double date with her ex and another couple of friends. I lost my cool and I went up and asked her what the hell was up, completely freaked out - although not yelling at her or anything like that. She was very patient and calm with me (as she had been all the way up to this point) and told me she knows it's hard, since I live alone and have so much on my plate right now. She encouraged me to go home and sleep. I went home, finished off the bottle of scotch I had started earlier, and promptly sent a half dozen accusatory and angry text messages. The next day we had a brief text spat, and she told me never to contact her again. I was devastated. Persona non grata - and of course it was all my own doing. Instead of being the calm cool collected adult in the room, I behaved like a selfish, needy little boy - and worse yet, like a freaking stalker.

Two days later she (still the compassionate, patient one after all that) texted and said she was sorry, she doesn't hate me, and that at some point after a good break away, she'd like to be friends if that's what I wanted. I said of course I wanted to be friends, and asked politely if I could send a brief letter, which I did a couple of days later. I actually felt ok about this. In the letter I made sure to call attention to my behavior, and specifically apologized for being so immature, and especially selfish. I told her I knew nothing would change and that I didn't expect it to, but that I wanted her to understand this whole pile of garbage is on me, that it's my fault, and that she's the one through all of this who's shown incredible maturity and calm.

Soooooo, THIS weekend, I was going to talk to a buddy of mine who works the door at a local bar (yes, subconsciously I think I was out looking for her), and I saw her and a date through the giant plate glass window of a nearby gallery. I'm positive they saw me. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't understand how she could be dating somebody when she told me that this is difficult for her too, and that this wasn't about dating other people. I couldn't accept the fact that I'm so completely and utterly unwanted. Rightly or wrongly I felt completely betrayed, like I was the butt of some kind of joke. Despite the very obvious fact that I'm the one that's been doing all of the contacting - I texted her and said "I don't think you should contact me ever again. I'm sorry." 30 minutes later, I got a message (I think from her roommate or maybe her brother) that said, "please don't contact Bethany again. She's uncomfortable and you're exacerbating the situation. It's unfair." So I replied that I didn't want to get into "what's fair" here, and consider it done.

Yes, I've deleted all of her contact info from my phone at this point. I've even blocked her number from my account so that I can't attempt to call or text.

God, I needed to get that out. Thanks.

I'm miserable, hurt, angry... and right now I'm completely full of more self-hatred than I've ever felt in my life. She's the only one here with a right to be upset. I'm such a needy, fearful little man it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm afraid of being abandoned and unloved, and yet I seem to keep writing the same story over and over. This time it's just that much worse because of proximity to this person. I let the dark recesses of my heart completely engulf my self and my (brief) relationship with a beautiful, kind and patient person. I became "that guy." A real creep.

To complicate matters, we run around in the same neighborhood in this town. She even works close enough to me that I can see her car from my apartment. Driving down my street this morning on my way to work, I saw one of her good friends out for a run. I know my just being alive and here right now is giving her anxiety and making her uncomfortable. I know she truly hates me.

I have no idea what to do at this point. Before you reply, I know the first thing I have to do is never contact her in any way shape or form ever again. I simply don't know what to do in general. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I know something is.

It's also killing me that I can't apologize. Not only because of the complete severance of communication, but because I've reacted this way after already apologizing once. Apologies are worthless if the behavior returns, in my opinion.

I've started seeing a psychologist again, though. I'm not sure if there are specific questions I need to ask about my recent behavior. I want to make sure all of my bases are covered if there's something really screwed up about me.

If anyone has any advice at all, I'll take it. Thanks for reading.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post. I'm very sorry that you're going through this right now. It's very difficult. I think the feeling that you are out of control and hurting people and it seems like you can't stop yourself is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially afterward. I think it is good that you started talking to a therapist, they should be able to help you work on these issues. I really don't have much advice for you right now. I do believe that she doesn't hate you. I think it would be safe to write her a letter to say you are sorry and never send it. That way you get your apology out on paper. Save it, shred it, do whatever you want with it. Perhaps the wind will carry your message to her, at least, that's always kind of how I feel when I write letters I know will never be sent.

Good luck. Feel free to come back and vent as much as you want. We're here for you!

Hey, thank you so much. It is definitely one of the worst feelings in the world, and to realize that it's a pattern that's advancing itself as the years go by makes it even worse.

I have been doing some writing, and I think writing a letter and shredding it is a pretty good way to go...

Thanks again.

U have made ur apology,now dont worry about what she will think etc. If she is uncomfortable with u living near by its her problem not yours. Try to socialize with new ppl and get her off of ur mind. i can understand its hard for u to let go just like that,but u have to, for ur sake.

Hello Shoreditch,

Welcome to pc. First up please don't hate yourself. There are a number of people here at pc who understand what is happening with you as they suffer the same pain.

It's not something they want or that you want, but because the actual cause or reason is hidden under the surface you don't know what you are looking for so that you can fix it; this is why you need a therapist to help you to work it out and heal it.

You are doing your best to handle it and that is commendable, I've seen people who don't even attempt to rein themselves in at all so don't be so harsh on yourself. Here you'll recieve support and friendship that will help you to stay stable in your attempts to get strong and work out what is happening to you.

Please feel free to message me if you need some private support or there are things you feel you can't mention in the public forum,

Rhiannon