The trouble with keeping friends...

Ok, so I just wanted to see if maybe this is just me, or if this is a common thing.

Note that I do have Social Anxiety - was bullied in school as a kid, and fear being out in public places that are crowded (even though I guess technically that would be Agoraphobia? from my bad days of IBS).

Either way, here's the situation: I don't have any friends. I have a couple people I can talk to, but truth is that they're really only available because they're related somehow. I am lucky enough that one of my old high school friends is now my future sister in-law, but even then, we're not 'solid'.

Thing is, I really do want to try to have friends... but every time I meet someone I click with, I ALWAYS find some excuse to fall thru with plans (to hang out). Same thing has actually happened with the mentioned sister - tried making plans to hang out more so we could build a friendship (because in my darkest hours, I do confide in her regardless so she knows this), but "something" always happens to make me a no-show at the last minute.

Why do I do this?! I mean, sometimes my stomach has legitimately started hurting before an event due to anxiety, but I don't understand HOW to break this cycle. It's as if I just don't feel bothered. In all honesty, I have been back-stabbed by people close to me before and this could contribute to it, but I do want to try!

Has/Does this happen to anyone else, and what do you do?

Hello asher,

Welcome to pc. I think you'll find that there are a lot of us here who have the same or similar issues.

I won't make friends because I know I don't like visitors and I won't go visiting. I'm happy being the way I am (except for the anxiety attaks and panic attacks).

I don't see me changing; online friends are great.

Hi Rhiannonsmoon!

You know, I'm glad you said that!

Honestly, I think the only way I can keep a good relationship is online... I'm always active in any forums I've been a part of and always keep in touch with people I feel that I've developed a bond with.

I guess when it comes down to it, it is MUCH easier than having to deal with the anxiety in person. Which sounds a little sad when put that way, but it's a lot easier for me!

Hi Ashers ~ I do this too. I think for me it's because I'm not comfortable in a social setting. I don't feel adequate ~ or as up to date or as good as. I know it's all in my head, and I've been in and out of therapy all my life and I don't want to go back. I'm tired of it. lol And like Rhiannonnsmoon said, I don't like it when people just "pop in" to visit. I can't stand that. And I don't go visiting either. I'll talk on the phone or online. I'm disabled, so visiting isn't easy for me.

And I think I'm alot like you in that i've been stabbed in the back many times too - and I won't allow myself to get too close to anyone anymore for fear of that happening again. I have one VERY close friend, whom I've known since I was 4 yrs old ~ we tell each other everything. Other than that, I just have acquaintances. At this stage of my life, I don't see it changing any time soon.

Best of luck to you ~ I wish you all the luck in the world. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

I give up on new friendship, and I always have this "luck" of being left behind by every good friend I ever had. not because we fight or something but really it's just my luck", all people I could actually friends with always end up going to another city, another country, or another continent. I don't have any "right here right now" friend by my side, and you know what happen with long distance relationship even in friendship. And I end up giving up to make any new close distance friend since I'm afraid when I can actually have a good attachment with that person I will lost him/her again. so having a new friend is only on the net option for me, but even this hard enough. and I always end up cancel it to even to try to.

ashers86 I actually keep doing the same thing and don't know how to get out of it either :S. I've also been bullied in school and people I called friends has betrayed me in the past... I guess those are the reasons I do that, though I do really want to find real friends, sometimes for me forums and online friends aren't enough... but it seems that I'm scared of being hurt again... :/

Avoiding anxiety provoking situations may be easier, but in the long run it will only hinder your life. Face your fears. Maybe a one-on-one meeting is too much for you right now. Try to think of something that will get you out of your comfort zone just enough so the anxiety isn't overwhelming and take part in it.

I flip between wanting close friends in my life and not wanting the cost of friendship. The commitment to maintaining a friendship takes a lot of effort. It takes trust. It takes a willingness to be available, to be real and to be open and vulnerable. I don't do any of those things well.

I am good at the front end. Making a friend and getting to know someone and providing support and for a while even asking for support but sooner or later I begin to feel too exposed. Even with online friendships. There comes a point where I feel too exposed and have to pull away when I think people know too much about me. Or I may have gotten lax and out of the blue someone will attack me or hurt me and I over react by spiralling into the safety of deeper isolation. That is when I start to put on a fake personna and hide my need for support if and when I do need to interact with people socially.

Every now and then a special friendship will develop and I will maintain it privately from a distance where I feel safe. I have one such friendship now with someone I met here and it means the world to me. It fills a void in my life that I won't let anyone, not even family fill. I can be honest with this friend when things aren't going well while I feel I must paint the picture of happiness for everyone else. I feel guilty if I tell my family how my life really is going. They can't fix me so why should I cause them grief with tales about my less then peaceful life? When they start to crowd me because I let some truth out of the bag I start to feed them stories that will make them think all is well and give me some space again.

Yes, this has happened to me. I am at a conflict with myself. I want to have friends and the normal social life but at the same time I am a loner and prefer to be alone a lot. I don't know what to do about it. I do the same thing you do, not show up or come up with an excuse not to go. I think for me it has a lot to do with my childhood and being abused. I don't want to let anyone get close to me because all that have ended up hurting me in the end. But, that's me. I wish I could help you out and say some magic words that would make everything normal for you but I can't
All I can say is keep trying. Never give up if it is important to you. Maybe one day you will find the right person that you can relate to and be close with.

ashers, I have Social Anxiety as well. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have are very precious to me. With all of them, it took a good year or more to really get close with them. I am very cautious about who I open up to and want to "let in". As Skully said, just keep trying...it's hard for you and me to admit this because of our low self-esteem courtesy of the social anxiety, but there are people out there who find us likable enough, and maybe even lovable. Don't give up.