How do we recognise a psychic vampire??

I write again on the subject of manipulating partners/relationships. How is it, no matter how hard we try, that we get into relationships like this more than once??

How do we recognise a psychic vampire anyway?? they only tend to start sinking their 'teeth' into us when we are fairly far into a relationship anyway!! Scary scary thought!!

The Emotional Vampires are the ones I look out for. They are always on the prowl for their next unsuspecting victim.

~Dottie

We tend to be creatures of habit. And if we are also emotionally struggling, we have built-in needs/responses/thoughts that draw these people to us. It takes good therapy to break out of the cycle. I recently commented as much to my T a few weeks ago. more succintly, but that ppl who have this propensity, don't have a chance of breaking out without therapy... he agreed. So I guess... the recognition has to begin within, first?

We are drawn to what we know, whether it's on a conscious or unconscious level. It takes therapy to reset your patterns. It can be done and one day you'll realize you could never be attracted to an unhealthy relationship again.

Cheers!

Jan

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tracylee said:How do we recognise a psychic vampire anyway?? they only tend to start sinking their 'teeth' into us when we are fairly far into a relationship anyway!!

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Usually, the way you can tell that someone is 'sucking the life out of you' is when every time you get around them, you leave feeling worse than when you arrived - it can be phyical drainage or exhaustion, you may actually feel like you're 'coming down with something'... It may be more emotional - every time you get around this person or group of people, you end up cranky or out of sorts. Psychic vampires feed on the power they can exert over you - a lot of them say things like, "Gee, you don't look so good. Are you sure you're okay?" even on days when you feel great. If the vampire's the one who's feeling bad, they may just try to bring you down to their level, subtly or not-so-subtly by making verbal jabs at you until your self confidence and happiness wanes... It can also be through the refusal to acknowledge that your troubles could be anywhere near as important or severe as theirs.

Some psychic vampires don't even know they are psychic vampires until they get into a relationship where their partner begins to show emotional neediness or weakness, a wavering sense of self-worth, anything that the vampire in question could use to their advantage to make themselves feel better at your expense.

My husband's interaction w/his mom & dad is a very good example of psychic vampirism in action - his family is emotionally dysfunctional to begin with, and his mom is very controlling & domineering, and they're all passive-aggressive instead of communicating openly... We'll go out to eat, my other half will be feeling chipper until his mom starts in on him about life, the Universe & everything. If his dad tries to defend him, or if he tries to defend himself, she attacks his dad, too (which is really unfair because his dad has Parkinson's disease). The whole time, my mother-in-law will be sitting up straighter, taking on more color & generally have a great time while her husband's shaking worsens & he gets emotionally upset, and my husband slumps further & further under the table - by the time we get home, he's in a horrible mood & his week is pretty much shot. And because both my husband & his father are being nagged at by her, they start sniping at each other instead of retaliating against her - she's the Alpha in their world. My mother-in-law tries coming after me, but because I'm an outsider (and I have kung-fu psychic defense skills) I can see exactly what's going on & I don't play the game. I ask her things like, "What's really bothering you? Why are you acting this way towards your husband & son? If you really didn't want to go out/eat here, you should have said something and we could have picked a better time/restaurant for you." She doesn't like having people question her judgment & actions, so she pretty much leaves me alone, but when I try to defend my husband or help him stand his ground, she will end the lunch or meeting abruptly, say she doesn't feel well, she needs to go home, things like that. It's a sick household, and none of my husband's family will admit there's anything wrong w/what they've been doing to one another for all these years.

i've learned in therapy that i'm a chronic "donor" for them. i had to ask myself what the constant factor was every time and it was me. i'm not saying that about you, of course. i'm just saying that it's been that way so much in my life that t and i thoroughly analyzed it and he gently let me see that myself.

i had all these vampires in my life because i sought them out and fed them. then i got angry when i ran dry and they weren't there for me. it was life changing when i started changing that behavior.

be safe,

The people everyone describes sounds hauntingly familiar. I must have that ability to spot them because the people who you've written about are the ones I keep far away from and stand on guard when they are around.

I find they're usually the charismatic ones and that's how they get you-they've got that charm and they know how to say what you want to hear.

Like Perzephone does- I've learned to ask them a lot of questions. They usually lie a lot too and I like catching them in their lies.
They do get to me, sometimes, though. My oldest sister, especially. I've looked to her for love and support but soon realized she'd stab me in the heart before giving me anything. Live and learn.
Keep your eyes opened, TraceyLee. You seem to be struggling with this. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!

Hi, I'm new here and this subject is the exact reason that I am here.

My last 3 relationships have been with these types of people. The first one I married, the second one lasted 14 months and the most recent one (which ended last Sunday) lasted 2 1/2 months.

These are my observations:
- They attract you with charm and flattery.
- They are not honest and will lie when confronted, they will also go on the offensive to get you on the defensive, thereby hoping to confuse you enough to change the subject.
- They will bring out the worst in you, they will push enough buttons that they will eventually get the reaction that they are looking for. They then point their finger at you and cry victim.
- They use whatever means nessesary to manipulate you.
- They are hypocritical, they will not accept to be treated the same way that they treat you.
- They cannot accept critisysm of any kind without getting defensive.
- They are abusive when angry.
- They are very jealous, whether it be imagined or not.
- They are very intelligent.
- Have suffered abuse or abandonment as a child.

What I observed about myself when being around these types of people.
- I am often confused.
- I am often depressed.
- Suffer from stress and anxiety
- I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster ride.
- I have felt dependent in two of the relationships.
- Reduced self-esteem usually ending up with a major lack of confidence.

How did each of these situation end.

- The first one divorced me after I stopped giving in to her abuse. This was my first step to realizing that I wasn't her victim but my own. I was letting her do these things to me. I was the one that had the problem. I learned about taking responsibility and not blaming others for a situation that I chose to be in.

- The second one was fairly easy as I got a new job in another town. I eventually caught her in a lie and wouldn't let her turn it around on me. She did the ofensive/defensive try to confuse thing but I wouldn't let her and broke it off. This one had liked to kick me when I was down so it was a little hard to go looking for love without a lot of reservations. One thing that I had learned up to this point was that it wasn't so much that I knew what I wanted in a relationship, but more that I knew what I didn't want. I had set myself some guidlines that I intended to follow.

- The third one, was love at first sight and I mean in a big way. She met all the criteria of the kind of woman that I was hoping to meet. She hardly wore any make-up, wasn't a big fashion statement etc. She liked the simple things, like cuddling, holding hands, touchy feely etc. I though that I had hit the jackpot. Well it didn't take long for the anxiety to set in. I noticed that she flattered me a lot and wouldn't go visit her friends, she was always telling me that the relationship was her priority etc. I later learned that she was doing this because she didn't want me spending time with my friends. She would get moody and would criticize personality traits of mine that would offend her. I found myself getting defensive, which in turn make her defensive and would start this dog chase tail thing. In 2 1/2 months she broke it off 3 times. It got to a point that I was getting stressed, depressed and dependent and then it hit me! I don't have to be in this relationship I have the choice to leave. As much as I feel that I love this woman, I can make a choice of not being in a toxic relationship. So this time I broke it off, it's been a week now and it hasn't been easy, the dependency thing and the loneliness gets a little hard sometimes. But I made a concious decision that I'm in charge of my happiness and if I don't like the situation that I'm in, then leave. One lesson that I learned from this relationship was how to love myself, and I don't mean just being a good humanitarian. I mean love myself as in I'm not going to put myself through this anymore.

I hope that we could start a discussion on this subject and maybe help others that are involved with this type of person. I would also like to see more effort put on educating adults about how the baggage they put on their children affects their lives. A lot of energy goes into trying to deal with bagagge that shouldn't have to. I don't believe that these people are intensionally mean. They are hurt children that have been given baggage by someone that they've trusted. It is the hurt that is inside of them that is doing this. I truly believe that they don't enjoy their lives and would like to make the necessary changes if they knew how.

Be well and thanks for taking the time to read this.

Jp

Hi Perzephone,

Your analysis is spot on. I can't say more!

Cheers, M

I picked up a skill, long ago. As soon as you suspect there is a "payoff" for them...but not for you......run like hell. and they always work for that payoff.

I so wish I had read all this before (but of course, then, I wouldn't have believed it.) Sigh.

I so appreciate all you guys. I am struggling hard to get on with my life and some of you who have already been there are an inspiration to me.

Read this book and you'll have your answers, i just finished it and it was wonderful. Very easy reading, straight and to the point. See below:
" Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt By Them Without Becoming One of Them "
by Jay Carter (Author) (Hardcover - 1989)

This is a very good thread. I've "been there, done that," so many times, what Acajin describes.
Many of you suggested the only way to recognize and avoid this kind of relationship in the future is thru intensive therapy. I have to disagree. "Been there, done that" too, not just once, but many many times over a 30 year period, and still found myself devoting time and energy in the same cycles.
In a way it's sad to admit, but now at my age of 54, I seem to have arrived at a point where I am more discerning, no longer willing to extend myself, recognizing when someone is causing me anxiety in a relationship. This was not due to therapy, but very hard work on my own part, and a lot of heartache and self-examination.
The relationships I've worked so hard to maintain since my divorce 8 years ago have depleted me emotionally, financially, and aged me physically. I am a loving, compassionate, generous, and still somewhat attractive female. Why the happy relationship I've longed for has eluded me is still a big question in my mind. I do know that now I am more discerning, and will never again subject myself to a "psychic vampire," who is also termed "Narcissist."
Seeker

I was at a seminar last night, and the subject was "emotional bagage and the relationships". One of the things that struck me most, was when the speaker said that we have a tendency of courting familiarity. We are attracted to people that we know will be attracted to us. Nobody likes rejection so this is why we rarely stray from what is familiar to us. This was a very profound realization for me as I could see the patterns in my life being displayed. I guess a concious effort on our part would be to like ourselves enough to detach as soon as we realize what type of person that we are with. Another would be to take a chance and explore new avenues. I'm also realizing that rejection isn't that bad, I've survived every one of them and today feel that I'm a stronger person for it.

Jp