[LittleForgetMeNot]

Jesse added me this morning at 1:30am. I didn't know until I checked my e-mails around 8pm and seen his msn invite in the junk folder (haha). I dunno what was wrong with me, but I accepted and about a half hour later when he came on I let him explain to me why he added me in the first place. His reason? He missed me. I was just like "okay whatever". Miss.Rachel again broke up with him about ten minutes into our conversation and I spent about an hour just listening (again) to his problems. By the end he said he suddenly felt a lot of respect for me because I was actually willing to sit there and listen, putting all he did behind me. After that we talked like normal friends, and played a few games where we tried to confuse each other. The one who got confused lost and the other won gaining a point. It was a stupid game but passed the time quite nicely.. plus it was neutral.. so neither of us got into stupid junk like emotions. By the end now, about a half an hour ago he said Rachel took him back. This didn't affect me, and I asked him "Well what about her liking that other guy?" he said he didn't care, all I did was say that he should, and then we moved back into random conversation till he left about 5 minutes ago.

Now I just have to ask.. what the hell am I doing? This guy SUCKS. He was mean to me last month when we talked. He made fun of me and my friend. He put me down and caused a lot of anxiety. He cheated and it's only been just recently that I've finally been getting into a more positive mindset.. Right now I'm not hurting or anything nor do I feel anything for him.. but man.. I feel kinda stupid for accepting.. All I can say now was that it wasn't me who broke and ran back.. it was him.. I know I should have ignored it but.. I dunno.. I'm retarded. He probably only used me for emotional support cause Rachel left.. I hate myself right now.

[Emotionally Dead]

The kid's got issues. The problem is you keep feeding him all of this by accepting his requests. My most recent ex tried to add me on Myspace about 50 times and I denied the request each time. I think that's something you will have to learn to do, or this will never stop. Don't hate yourself over it, just change it. Stop talking to him cold turkey, or it's going to get worse. And I mean this in a sincere way because I know how it is. You have to save yourself from this pain... You can't keep letting it happen, and even if you don't care that he has that girl anymore he will try to use you and get you to feel sorry for him and become his girl again. Not a good thing. Hope it all works for you.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Well he's back with her again now, so I don't necessarily have to worry about him trying to get with me.. I'm reluctant because he was being how he always used to be and not jerkish or anything.. It's such a simple thing yet I'm making it so complicated

[Emotionally Dead]

Well you don't have to listen to me, besides it's something that you have to be strong about yourself and you have to deal with it on your own and do what's best. But it's the same thing every time, that's something you have to realize.

[Belle1979]

I read a book recently - "He's just not that into to you".. insightful YES, harsh TOTALLY.
All that Jesse was missing is having someone to talk to.. I would put money on him contacting you every time that him and Rachel have a fight, break up etc. He just doesn't want to be alone and knows that you will be there for him (as you recently proved). Don't be anyones "second choice". He treated you terribly and you deserve better.. plus he doesn't deserve your friendship and if he was a worthy person he would know that!
Take care of yourself and let the past become the past xxx

[LittleForgetMeNot]

What shezbut said in my other thread has kind of gotten to me.

Originally Posted by shezbut

Typically, low self-esteem is the cause of settling whatever a person is willing to give you. Very low when you are willing to take abuse ~ emotional, sexual, or physical ~ rather than be alone.

In my experience, very low self-esteem comes from being ignored. Especially in early childhood. My pleas for help were ignored, unseen, and I was put down for being stupid. I "deserved" what I got.

Abuse can go on for many years or it can be "every once in awhile". The occasional victims end up scratching their heads in wonder of why and blame themselves. The frequent victims quickly blame themselves for all of their suffering. It's the only way to make logical sense of the hell in the mind of one who has been abused. ~ that's the typical cycle anyway.

As much as Jesse probably uses me as company, I think I do the same back to him. As you know I've been whining a lot lately about having no friends and being lonely.. This time round, Jesse's been a hell of a lot nicer as more of the negative qualities are revealed about Rachel.. He's already muttered quite a few things that make me better than her and because he's being nice, it's making me question my judgement.

I really want to be able to say this is how I think and this is what I want and no one will ever make me change my mind but I seem to fail.. horribly.

A few times when I brought up Jesse and Rachel to my Dad, he would ask me why I kept going back in the first place, why I keep torchering myself.. Even I myself wonder why.. and this dilemma seems to be a reoccurring thing and I can't stop the cycle until I can figure out a solution to my own personal, emotional problems.. If not Jesse I go back to, it'll be another guy in the future.. as before him it was Rachel, and before her: Steven..

[Belle1979]

Loneliness can and does hurt. I don't have all the many friends but I do have a few that i can call on at anytime of the day or night - this helps.

"He's already muttered quite a few things that make me feel better than her".... Am going to be harsh (sorry in advance!). What's the bet that he muttered lots of things about you to her also?

You are so young to be going through these struggles. I feel for you. I am an overly emotional person (as we all know haha). I put myself back in situations are are bad for me.. similar types of guys over and over.. Now I have stopped considering the what if's (for the time being) and just taking it day by day its easier.
I think you should have nothing more to do with him, it will help you grow as a person and find what you want in life - I'm 30 and I still am figuring myself out, therefore you have a lot of years to grow and reach your full potential! xx

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I don't mean feel, I do mean that he's literally told me how I'm better. I don't really take it to heart because I know he's a parrot and copies everything he says to everyone.. but I can't help but feel a little smug about it (it's the I told you so feeling again when he complains). The bet would be that they probably have talked about me horribly together.. I mean she HATES me and he will do just about anything to make her happy (which as I've learned means going as far as to hack into a teacher's computer just to talk with her online during school).

I never really wanted to have to go through relationship struggles. For the longest time I snubbed guys who liked me or asked me out. I said being in relationships at my age was a waste of time and it was just more logical to ignore it until we're older and more mature to handle things like this. I know I'm not well equip to deal with it.. and maybe I knew that before I even started this mess which was why I looked down on them.. But there are always those select few who make you question yourself..

From Jesse now, the only thing I'm getting is (likely) false confirmation that Rachel isn't, and never was, my equal.. That she wasn't someone worth feeling intimidated over.. Basically it's feeding my ego.. and this has unhealthy written all over it as I'm putting my self-worth on what he thinks.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I'll probably delete him tonight.. The initial excitement from him returning is gone now, and I'm left feeling sick. I'm talking to him now and now that the dust has settled, what he did before is starting to sink back into my head and I can't enjoy it like I did yesterday.

[Belle1979]

all very normal feelings
I think deleting him is a good idea - he treated you horribly and as much as you want it to have never happened it did and you don't want to be his second choice should things go (as they will!) bad with Rachel. You deserve to be number 1 xxx

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I know, it's a cycle.

Things are already bad with Rachel. She (so he says) is now complaining about the things I used to complain about, and he complains about her as well. The only thing holding them together is her ever constant changing emotions, his need to be with someone, and the sexual exploitation (I wonder if that's the right term) of herself. She lowers herself extremely when it comes to realtionships and she's only just turned 13. The fact that he encourages this is sickening (we're two years older than she is) and it makes me count my blessings that I have more self-respect as to not to do those things.. Especially since her actions have gone out far. I heard these stories from himself (as he seems to either "brag" about it, maybe to feed his own ego or make me insecure), and his friends, so he's not a very great person at all when it comes down to it.

He doesn't sound like a good friend or a good boyfriend. Cut this guy off and find someone else.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Well, just an update. Something happened but not really at the same time. The last time I posted I was about to delete Jesse. But it was getting late in the night (or early in the morning), and Jesse had managed to keep me talking to him right up until my Dad woke up to go to work (3am). I left very quickly so I wouldn't get in trouble and completely forgot about Jesse all together until earlier today. I was deleting people off my list that I didn't talk to anymore. I seen him still added and wondered why I hadn't seen him online if I hadn't deleted him. I checked just to prove my own suspicions right and turns out he instead blocked me o.o'.

This just makes everything easier and either A.) proves I really was used as an emotional crutch or B.) he just got paranoid about leaving his acc alone with me added on as he apparently was going away for thanksgiving holiday and Rachel goes on his e-mail to check up on his actions. Regardless, it's a hell of a lot easier to get rid of him now, especially since I forgot I had started talking up with him again and I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday.