Heart bleeds for him

I am a selfish girl. Wanted to eat my cake and have it too. Now I pay the price for wanting everything.

I cannot have the nice safe life I've created and a burning new love
interest.

However, it doesn't stop me from wanting both.

I want the guarantee of safety with the excitement of passion.

But I can't have both and I'm left unhappy and unsatisfied.

How does one deal with this?

(((Baltazar)) - are you torn between choosing a guy who's slightly dangerous yet passionate/exciting...compared to a safer guy who's not exciting. I'm not sure how one deals with this. Maybe you can sow your oats like young men do and experience the excitement/passion but know it's limited, where it won't be longterm??

i think you can find both in the same person. you may have to explore many ppl to find the right match for u but i believe it's out there waiting for you. don't feel as tho you need to rush this. try to be content where you are. if it's meant to be, and i think it is, it will happen. get acquainted with ppl with the same interests as yours...then weed out the losers. don't settle for "seconds".
BTW i liked the way you worded your feelings.

Hi Baltazar

I don't think it's possible for another person to provide you with guaranteed safety and passion. It shouldn't be their mission/purpose/goal in life, just as your goal in life shouldn't be completely centered around someone else. Each person can only give so much of themselves to someone else, even when they are completely devoted to each other.

Maybe you can focus more on feeling safe with yourself and finding your own passion for life. You might find more passion in a safe man, and you might find more safety in a passionate man.

I hope you find what you are looking for in a relationship.

Hugs lynn. Don't let the name fool ya I'm Jaen Wirefly the writer...the name Baltazar...LONG STORY.

There is so many factors and so many reasons to stay where I am. Very good reasons. But this new man...he's...I can't explain it. There is something there that I cannot get away from. Something powerful and amazing.

It's times like these I really wish I believed in God.

Oh Kathy Thank you so much. Your words are so wise.

My muddled mind is always looking outwards for love, comfort and approval. I'm very BPD - cannot self-sooth.

When I'm with this new man I feel my heart soar and my blood burn. But it is not meant to be anyway. I don't think he would be able to put up with my moods, my insanity and my needs.

I know I need to repair myself from a broken childhood. The abuse of a sociopath father. But that is going to take many years.

And, actually I'm better than I use to be. So for me, I'm actually doing well with this situation. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad and when I cry I need to hide it. But I'm not numbing the pain with alcohol or trying to deny it. I'm letting myself feel hurt and trying to cope with the pain in healthier ways. I need to change so much about myself so I can be normal. Or at least sort of normal in order to have more control over my life.

I'm just so damn sad right now.

Thanks so much Madisgram for your kind words and compliments. I'm not really in a place in my life that will allow me to do too much exploring. Perhaps I just need to come to terms with who I am and what I can realistically handle. Passion doesn't seem to be on my menu. But maybe in the darkest areas in my mind I can let my imagination soar and live out love that I cannot have.

George Carlin said "You can't have everything...where would you put it?"

I guess he was right.

((Baltazar))

When you fight an outside enemy, it feels good to defeat them - it might not even matter if you destroy them. When you fight yourself, any victory feels like a loss.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, and remember to breathe.

GOOD POSTING !! ((Kathy M))

Baltazar,

You sound like my wife. You want it all. Nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds like you are in a committed relationship with a safe guy, but can't get the passion from him. That would be me. I don't live in that world, but I try to understand it the best I can. I admire it and love it from my vantage point.
I think that the stability gives you a foundation to spring forth your passion into safe areas. If you find the passionate man to share your life with, you will have magic in the short term but ultimately struggle when your passions diverge. You might find someone who you could share your passions with longterm, but it could take a lifetime to find. And who know if it will blow up until you've spent your life with them.

I agree with everything you say. My marriage is good and I love my husband. We built a beautiful life together. It's warm and comforting. But this new man brings out feelings I've haven't had in so long. Feelings that are intense. But I'm not a stupid girl. If I don't see a stable future with this new man I will leave. I won't be one of those women who end up alone and impoverished. My major choices will be careful and well thought out. (The stolen moments are delicious though.)

Can one have both passion and stability?