[Beholden]

My best friend in real life has started to act distant with me. She is limiting the time she spends with me and I'm not at all sure why.

How do I ask her without her becoming defensive? She still wants us to come for Christmas, says I'm like a sister to her and we have been very close over the years. I don't want her to befriend me just because she thinks she is hurting my feeling, but I don't want to 'posess' her either.

I'm trying to think of what I may have done to cause this distancing.

She flat out told me my H doesn't treat me right. I know he is demanding - but that has never interfered with our friendship before. I know she thinks he has a spending addiction, which is now something DH and I are truley working on. I know she was upset when we decided to have our dog put down in Sept, it was too expensive for us to have the dog treated, with no guarentees that she would be ok. Her dogs are the world to her. I loved my dog, but after all, she was a dog...

I dumped all my frustration on her about our financial shi****and she was supportive, but now it's like she doesn't want me to spend any money on our lunching...

I'm trying to figure out if I've hurt her feelings in some way...I'm afraid to ask. I really miss our time together. Though I'd apologize and mean it....

What do I do? We used to see each other every week, now maybe once a month. She almost always has an excuse why she can't do something with me. She is the only person I see and the only person I have as a friend. In the summer there are several other not so close friends we 'hang' with, but no one I know really well or call a close friend.

I'm really hurting and want to do what I can to repair this relationship. I try to meet other people, but that is really hard for me. I know that is one thing I really need to do to make me a better person.

Any advise?

[KathyM]

((Beholden))

Making yourself a better person is your responsibility and your business. It doesn't belong to your husband, and it doesn't belong to your best friend, so they have no business evaluating your progress as a human being.

I don't beat around the bush with my friends, especially best friends. I would ask if her negative feelings towards your husband was worth ruining a perfectly good friendship. If she blames you for her feelings, tell her to do a better job at making you a better person. If it's merely because she's been too busy coping with her own life, tell her to smack you upside the head at her earliest convenience.

[lynn P.]

Wise advice from KathyM. I'm going to speculate by using my intuitive instincts but I could be wrong. First I wanted to say what I tell my girls - don't rely on 1 friend - have a few, that way if the friendship fails, you don't feel as devastated and lost.

This will be long but bare with me. I've noticed in some of your threads the last few months, that you're really working on yourself with weight loss, exercise and if I remember correctly, you feel happier. I get the impression from your description, that your friend knows a great deal about what you've go through and probably she took on the 'role' of helper.

Have you ever heard of women who go through drastic weight loss and they find their partners struggle with the changes - this is because some how the weight and the challenges bonded them in a dysfunctional sort of way. So your friend took on the role of helper/problem solver - but now that you're in a better place, you don't need her in that capacity and that's why you feel uncomfortable with her stressing her opinions now.

The thing is - she may not even realize this is happening. She might be feeling a slight resentment because you don't take her advice or seem to need it. TBO she shouldn't be dissing your husband or giving her disapproval of your decisions.

I think you should be gently honest and ask her if anythings bothering her? I think you're just in a better place and the friendship is evolving. If I were you I wouldn't act to worried because it sounds like your friend has the upper hand in the friendship - you don't want to give her anymore control. She sounds like she has too much say already lol. Are you and hubby in financial counseling - I think every couple should take financial counseling.

Lynn Good posting!!You too Kathy!

[Beholden]

Thanks all for posting some advise. No, hubby and I aren't in c. But I'm working on being more responsible to learning how he does the
'b u d g e t". I am using that word loosly because what we have isn't a real buget. anyway, we are able to work at it in ways we haven't before, so that is good but still needs way more working/cooperation.

The only 2 things I can think of that may really be bugging my friend is my weight loss and her telling me out right to "stop" - thatI've lost enough already. and I was sharing with her about my sister's relatives death, by drug overdose....my friend is a recovering alcholic 14 years sober....

I was telling of the sort of life this person had as a youngster, having grown up in a family where both parents were severe alcoholics. I may have touched on a nerve or two there. I know I can ask her if that has hurt her feeling, the way I discribed the situation. I felt an immediate negative energy while stating that. We are so very open about all that. She had an alcohoic father and grew up without him emotionally...and then he was murdered.

But the weight lose thing may be what she thinks is for my own good. I have the support of my doctors and weight loss specialists to keep lossing. I'm firm about what I am doing as far as my weight/health choices are, that her opinion of me stopping, is just that, her opinion. She has started to loose some weight over that past 2 months, so I know she wants to do that.

When we were out shopping recently, and I picked out my new coat, I asked her, does this one make my stomach stick out? She stated back, "you don't ask that of a gal who has a big gut".

Or on other shopping lunch fun days, she makes fun of herself with comments like, "I need to go to the lard and lovely department", in a good natured way, or more recently, when we do our window shopping, she picks the opposite of what I pick and says she watches the TV show What Not to Wear and that us short gals can't wear that style.... She does have an eye for what makes her look good.

She did say she isn't jealous of my weight loss, so that has nothing to do with her telling me to STOP! But that she thinks older women who loose weight look bad. saggy skin, drawn faces, etc.... That's okay with me if I get healthier. In our last phone converstation she said, "I'm not trying to cut you off, but I can't do such and such because I have to _________ ".

"We'll talk on Facebook". She did want to know about things concerning our new adopted dog though, like that is what it's ok to talk about with her. Control? But to me it seems like she is cutting me off.

I guess I need to just talk to her. Or do it on FB like she said!

Thanks for listening....guys/gals... and I know I want more friends. It just isn't happening even though I can be outgoing and comfortable around people, it just isn't easy to meet people who I can call up or invite to lunch.